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Thread: An angel named Alex

  1. #37
    kirsty Guest

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    Dear Tootie
    IKWYM when it comes to talking about them not understanding the emotional POV. My DH has said the same thing that he didn't understand how badly it actually has affected me, he also says he does understand that it will take me more time to come to grips with it all. I just wish he would talk about Alex more sometimes, as there are times I want to talk about it & he doesn't. Like the other nite I told him that we might TTC around November this year, I wasn't asking him to sit down & talk about it right then & there but I did want him to know where my head is on this issue. He growled at me & said he didn't want to talk about it now coz he had to go to work. The appreciating me thing seems to be at his own leisure sometimes, although he did buy me flowers the other day (& they are lovely!) & he said maybe it's to do with me being the mother of his children. So don't know about that one. I find the fact that he wants to TTC again a big step, although after discussing it between the two of us we are not sure if we could do it again if something were to go wrong next time. I don't think I am strong enough for that at all & he has admitted that he's not. But here's to better luck next time.
    Days are getting much easier to handle, though am still coming across people who are asking me how much longer we have got to go. So that still makes it kinda tough, but is getting easier to discuss it with people without ending up a blubbering mess. Though today in general not such a good day. Everything just seemed to overwhelm me today & burst into tears for no reason. DH asked what was wrong, but very hard to explain that it is just everything & nothing in particular. But I have to give him credit for trying.
    Anyway will catch you later, & again thanx for letting me ramble on (my DH is trying to convince me to have a go at writing a book & has even gone so far as to get my mum on his side!!) but it means a lot to me to be able to waffle away & get whatever it is off my chest so huge thanx & :hugs: coming your way


  2. #38
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Kirsty,

    Like you, I don't know if I could take it if anything were to go wrong again. 2 losses immediately following one another almost broke me and now of course being well over half way in this PG, I am a total nervous wreck. I couldn't possibly put into words how anxious I am. I just don't think I could cope if something were to go wrong now, but it's all that I seem to think about. I know it's perfectly natural, but it doesn't make it any easier!

    I wish my DH were able to talk more openly about our lost little angels too. There have been times when we have talked about it and we did things to remember them by, but sometimes you just feel like talking about them don't you? I know he thinks about it, but that's different to having a discussion about them IYKWIM. Sometimes all you need is to hear them saying something about your little angels to make you feel better - it's like it would validate your feelings to some extent. It really made me angry and frustrated at times, but I've moved beyond those feelings now I think, and don't find myself angry at him for not talking about it. I guess I've realised that we both deal with grief and loss in different ways?! Not sure...all I can say is that yes it would be nice to talk about them more than we do, and I've accepted it's probably not going to happen but the main thing is that I know that he hasn't forgotten what has happened, and that's ok with me now. Make sense?! Probably not, I confuse myself sometimes LOL. As long as we both remember our little angels in our hearts, then that's the most important thing of all.

    Writing a book huh? Have you ever thought about perhaps writing a letter to Alex? Sometimes that can really help too, particularly on the bad days where you really need to get things off your chest, or to have some kind of outlet for your feelings IYKWIM. It helped me, but then what necessarily works for one, doesn't necessarily work for others. I think it's important to try and do something to remember your little Alex by, and I'm not sure if you have done anything yet or not (forgive me if you have and it's escaped my memory - I blame hormones!), but perhaps if you haven't, in time you might think about what you would like to do, or perhaps something you think that Alex might have liked? Just a suggestion anyway.

    Talk to you again soon.

  3. #39
    kirsty Guest

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    Am coping much better with life now that AF is gone! Yesterday had it's moments as my Mum rang me to let me know that my cousin had a baby girl, which of course I'm thrilled for her, but I guess it is the whole reminder thing that we won't be experiencing that same joy this year. Am still finding it hard to cope with one of DH's friends as they are due to have a baby only a few weeks before Alex's EDD. Most other women I can cope with because I don't know them, & our other friend who has just let us know they are PG I can cope with as she is only in the first stages of it all. I know that time will make it even easier to deal with & that we'll get there.
    We were talking about TTC (once again) the other night (the topic seems to come up quite often lately) & I told him that I'm not in the right mind frame to be PG yet. And I think that that makes a difference, being ready mentally to take the PG journey again. Especially as I know that at least for me it will be one fraught with worry until it works out one way or the other.
    Tootie- I have often thought of writing a letter to Alex but haven't gotten around to it yet. Just looking at his foto's is enough to reduce me to a blithering mess. Have however kept a journal of all that we went through once our journey to Alex's birth began & I have found that to be a great relief for me. I also found it almost like a form of therapy just being able to write with no constrictions & not mattering what I wrote because it is mainly just for me (my DH & my Mum have both read it too).
    I also kept a daily journal when I was PG with James too & now find that great to look back on. Have you done anything similar?

    Meg- are you going ok? Haven't seen any recent posts from you & are hoping that you are going well. Has your OB been able to give you any more answers as to how they will monitor you in your next PG?

    Must go for now as my In-Laws are coming for tea & must go & get some more stuff ready for them.
    Hope everyone is well & enjoying life the best that they can

  4. #40
    Melinda Guest

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    Hi Kirsty,

    The journal you mentioned you had been keeping sounds like a great idea and very therapeutic. It really does help to do something like that because it's a way of getting all your feelings out, without the fear of someone judging you for it IYKWIM....because it's for you and you alone. It's nice that your DH and your Mum have read it though because it will help them to understand how you are feeling.

    I think interacting with people who are PG right now can be one of the hardest parts of suffering a loss, because it's such a terrible reminder. Seriously, I still see people with little babies and think to myself that it should have been me now. I should have given birth in February, or be about to give birth now. The reminders are everywhere and are endless, but in time they become a little less painful to cope with.

    It's really good that you've been open about how you are feeling in terms of TTC again and being mentally ready to take that journey again. You are exactly right, in that you need to be ready for it. To be honest with you, I don't know as you can ever be entirely ready or prepared for it following a loss IYKWIM. You can certainly go a long way towards preparing yourself as best you can, but I think that whether you TTC tomorrow or waited a year, you would still suffer some anxiety and fear over that journey. I don't want to scare you or anything like that, but I just thought it prudent to point out that those fears about what the future holds never fully disappear altogether. I guess they become more manageable, but a PG does tend to bring back a lot of memories too. Hope I'm making sense LOL.

    Oh yes, I am keeping a PG journal. It's full of lots of stuff actually - I found it really useful to start my journal off by how I began on this journey, and how it began with 2 devastating losses. I did this because I want our little one to know just how special they are, and I also thought that if something ever happened to me, it might be a useful reference point from a medical POV IYKWIM. I also found this aspect of the journal to be a therapeutic one - I felt within myself that I needed to "talk" about my little ones openly to ensure their memory remains no matter what and after all, it was because of suffering those losses that I am where I am today and I felt I needed to acknowlege that too.

  5. #41
    kirsty Guest

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    Hey Tootie,
    DH & I were talking last nite & I had said to him how much I miss being PG & he asked if I wanted to TTC. I said no not yet & am now not sure if I've upset him or not. I mean part of me really wanted to say yes but another part of me knows that I'm not ready just yet. I am grateful he offered coz I know it is a big deal for him too, but don't really think he wanted me to say yes either, IYKWIM? As I said before I'm not really in the right min set to be saying yes just now anyway, think my body needs
    some more time to get back to normal. Although I can understand how some people jump right back in after having a m/c to try & get PG again.
    Am finding it hard to be around DH's friends who are expecting a baby & I sometimes think that DH thinks I am being silly. It's just that they are due only a short time from when Alex would have been due, am thrilled for them as it has taken them several years to conceive, just can't seem to find myself over the moon for them anymore. Is that selfish?
    Anyway must be off to pick up James (he had a sleepover with his Grandma & Grandpa last nite)

  6. #42
    Melinda Guest

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    Hi Kirsty,

    I think if deep down you feel that you're not ready to TTC yet, then saying that to your DH when he asked you was the best thing. You really need to be completely honest with each other about how you feel about this, and even though part of you wanted to say yes, the fact that you said you weren't ready yet demonstrates that you are approaching that issue carefully and taking into account the signals that your body and mind are giving you. It's so important to listen to your own body and be honest about how you are feeling. I guess that's why some people TTC again immediately, and why others wait a while IYKWIM? Everybody is so different and that's why I can't emphasise enough that when the time is right for you, then the time is right.....what other people do is entirely their decision and based on their own circumstances and given that we all respond differently to these things, you really need to trust your own judgement. I think you have done the right thing by being honest with your DH about it and I'm sure he appreciates where you're coming from.

    Personally I don't believe that you are being selfish by finding it difficult to be around your DH's friends who are expecting. As you pointed out, you are happy for them because it took them several years to conceive (which would have been very stressful for them no doubt), but the fact that their little one is due around the same time as Alex means that it is a very difficult situation for you to be in. I don't think you are being selfish at all - you are grieving and I'm sure that they would understand that. Are they the kind of people that you feel comfortable in talking to about this kind of thing? If so, perhaps you could say to them that you are really happy for them but are finding it difficult to cope right now because the EDD's are around the same time and it's a bit of a reminder for you of your loss? Perhaps by explaining it to them they will understand your situation more clearly? Sorry if that's not helpful...I'm just trying to think of a way that you could make sure that they understand your feelings.

  7. #43
    kirsty Guest

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    Dear Tootie
    DH's friends are really just that - DH's friends. I don't really have that much to do with them but I have found that his mate doesn't even like to discuss their PG with DH! He will often ask how Julie is doing & Andrew will just say she is fine, no more info than that, which I find a bit strange. Maybe they don't like to raise the fact that they are still having a baby while we are not. Anyway I suppose we will cope.
    Am havign trouble understanding DH at the moment, ever since he raised the thought of TTC I have been thinking it over madly & last nite I asked him what he would say if I said I wanted to TTC. And this time he said no & that he thought I had made a valid point about not quite being in the right mind frame just yet. However he did say that he would like me to have another visit from AF first to make sure my cycle is back to normal & that then we would discuss it. So who knows, in one way I would like to TTC as sometimes I think that the longer I leave it the more time I have to dwell on what might happen, & then of course I go the other way & think that never will be too soon. He would also like to see my BP under control first (have had a few troubles with it during both my PG's & since Alex's birth) which is fair enough, so I guess we'll see. But now the fun will be getting him to open up & discuss it again, as now he has clammed up again.
    Anyway hope all is going well with your PG & everything else.

  8. #44
    meg Guest

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    kirsty, I too am finding being around pregnant friends really difficult. I found out another friend was pregnant and her due date is almost the same as our little moonbeams. I having also found out about a couple of others this week. I feel like it is my turn. I know I have been doing this way longer than them.

    I know what wou mean about ttc again. I think DH and I just need to take the plunge, as I feel like I am not going to feel fully happy until we have a baby so there is no use waiting. Af has not arrived though 4 1/2 weeks after d &c. I really hoping I am not one of those people who it takes 4 months to return to, I may be mildly batty by then.

    Anyway, hope you enjoy your day. Meg

  9. #45
    Melinda Guest

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    Perhaps DH's friends do feel a bit awkward in discussing their PG with you. Some people can be like that, in that they don't want to say anything out of fear of upsetting you. If that's the case, it's nice of them to be concerned, but then I guess on the other hand you get annoyed that they are avoiding the situation IYKWIM? If you wait another cycle your cycle will probably be returning to normal and your body will be healing well, so perhaps your DH's suggestion is a valid one. It can be hard though when you're always in 2 minds about what is right, and half of you is saying that you want to TTC right now. It can be really hard to know what is right. All I can suggest is to go with what your gut is telling you? Often your first thoughts are the right ones, although sometimes after thinking about that for a while you wonder if you were being hasty! It can be so tricky! I sympathise with you that you're stuck in the situation where you're really not sure what you think is best on that front right now. I took one cycle off after my 2nd m/c and I know it was the best thing for me to do as it allowed me time to come to terms with things and to also ensure that the trauma my body had suffered physically, had healed IYKWIM. I wish you lots of luck with thinking things over so that you can work out exactly what is best for you.

    Meg - after my 2nd m/c it took 5w for AF to return. I know it can drive you positively insane because once you make a decision on what you want to do, you don't want to wait. It can be longer with a D&C - up to 6w, but I'm hoping it returns earlier for you because I know you want to get cracking. So I'm hoping for a quick return of AF for you!

  10. #46
    meg Guest

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    has generally taken between 4-6 weeks without d &c in the past

  11. #47
    kirsty Guest

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    Thx guys, we talked some more last nite & are still none the wiser as to what we are going to do. Part of me really wants to TTC again now, but a huge part of me thinks we should wait & I think that is what we are going to do. At least maybe another 4-6wks, enough to have another visit from AF & get back to work. Which is next week & am starting to stress out about it a bit, but unless I try I'll never know if I can handle it or not.

    Meg- great to hear from you, was starting to get worried about you but then saw you had been posting in TTC. I'm not sure about whether to start posting there yet or not. Part of me wants to but I think until we make our minds up for sure exactly when we are going to start to TTC I will wait. Hope all is going well for you & that AF is on her way so you guys can make a beautiful baby.

  12. #48
    Melinda Guest

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    Trust your instincts Kirsty...perhaps if you have the stress of returning to work, you might like to consider focussing on that and dealing with that first and therefore waiting for another cycle before trying again? By that time you'll know how you feel about the work situation IYKWIM? Sometimes it helps to take things one step at a time, and if you're worried about work and TTC at the same time, it might make you feel worse and I'd hate to see that happen as you've been through enough! It can seem really overwhelming when there are too many things going on at once. I know that's how I felt last year, as I had an important exam I needed to study for, so I felt I should devote all my energy towards that, take a cycle off and then try again. It did me the world of good. So maybe try just one thing and get it sorted, wait for your next cycle and then go for it? Just a suggestion of course!

    If you want to post in the TTC forum, then go ahead, as the girls are really really supportive. You can post there even though you haven't decided on what you're doing yet....everyone there will understand your concerns about trying again. On the other hand, if you feel it would be better to wait until you make your decision, then that's fine too - whatever makes you feel most comfortable.

  13. #49

    Join Date
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    Hobart, Tasmania
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    Hey Kirsty,

    Good advice again from Dr Tootie
    Take things at your own speed, there's no need to rush anything.

    Come join us in TTC when you feel ready, we'll do our best to help with the obsessing and the stressing and the waiting

  14. #50
    meg Guest

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    agreed, good advice from mrs toots again. Maybe you should take work one day at a time. Start slow and don't be too hard on yourself if you need a break again. I know I am doing that and it has worked weel enough. I had a sickie today as I was just so sad again this morning, couldn't stop crying, so I just couldn't face it. So be kind to yourself, and take time out when you need it, and review where you're at each day.

    Re ttc. You will know when it is the right time, because you will feel ready, trust your instincts. We would all love it if you came and posted with us in ttc. There is 3 of us in ttc that are not ttc, we are post m/c and waiting for AF. I know Chandra is resting for 2 cycles so she won't be ttc for a little while. Poor Zola is the only one who is actually ttc. The rest of us actually want AF to come! But post when you are ready.

  15. #51
    kirsty Guest

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    Hi guys, have just come from our GP to check on my BP which is finally back to normal (although medication has done it). He said he has had a letter from the OB we saw in Warrnambool & that he has recommended that for our next PG we should be seen by a specialist (which we had planned to do anyway), & maintain a share care program with our GP. If that sounds weird let me explain a little bit - where we live there is only 1 OB (I find him to be an absolutely rude man with no bedside manner - we went to him when we first TTC with James after 12mths with no luck & he put me straight onto medication with no tests to find out what was going on & could never get any answers to anything from him) & my GP doesn't like him at all - he would prefer to send you to Warrnambool which is an hour away to see an OB. That is why we ended up in Warrnambool to deliver Alex. Anyway when we saw him a couple of weeks ago he said he would be willing to take on our PG care in conjunction with our GP, going to our GP to check things like BP & what not & he would take care of U/S & tests etc. We were worried initially how our GP would take our choice but he actually suggested we do that, so that has set our minds at ease as far as all that is concerned. Our GP has also suggested that I try to lose some weight (he would like to see me lose approx. 10kgs - which I am not upset to hear as I am going to WeightWatchers this week anyway & my goal is more like 15-20kgs. As you may be able to tell I am fairly overweight at the moment, actually have been for several years but with all that happened with Alex & James getting so much more active have decided I need to do it for me) to help with my BP while PG. Also that he would like to see us wait another couple of cycles before we start TTC as I have had an irregular cycle (which turned regular after being PG with James) in the past he wants to make sure it has stayed settled & that BP is still under control. So I guess in one way that is good as it makes our decision a little easier to make. So back to safe sex for now! Not that I mind as I have also picked up a urinary tract infection which is making life slightly uncomfortable at the moment.
    Must be off for now, might see you in TTC sooner rather than later. Hope you are all keeping well.

  16. #52

    Join Date
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    Hobart, Tasmania
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    Hey Kirsty,

    Glad to hear that you and your GP are thinking along the same lines.

    I hope everything goes well at WW for you.... I could use a little of that action too

    Here's to it not taking us all long to get knocked up and to everything working out perfectly !!

  17. #53
    Melinda Guest

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    That's great news about the BP Kirsty and that you are happy with the things you discussed with your GP. Sorry to hear that you've picked up a UTI - not pleasant! I hope it clears up for you soon as it can be pretty uncomfortable!

  18. #54
    kirsty Guest

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    Hi guys, life is definetly on the improve! DH & I have finally had it out about all the b*&^hiness that has been going on in our household. The hardest thing for me to admit is that most of it is because I resent him for being able to move on so easily after Alex. I mean I know it isn't easy for him & that he still has moments where it is still hard for him, but to look at him & his actions you'd never know it. Life seems to have moved on for him, & I know it is horrible to say I resent my DH but it wasn't easy to admit either & it can't have been easy for him to hear. He reminded me that every marriage has it's problems but I thought we might have gotten further than 5mths into it before it happened. Oh well it is sorted now & hopefully things will continue to improve. I feel much better in myself too for finally telling him how I feel so here's to a much calmer lifestyle in our household from here on in.

    Tootie- how is your PG going? You must be in the 3rd trimester by now! All I can say is that from here on in you know you will be able to hold a baby in your arms. Good luck!

    Zola - hope you get the BFP that you are hoping for, do you have long to wait to know? Anyway have got my fingers crossed for you & sending you good vibes! I start WW tonite & am a little bit freaked by it but if it makes a PG easier next time round then it's all good.

    Wishing you all a wonderful day

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