Hi Tootie,

Thanks for that. I am sorry that you have had a long stuggle with depression. So has my mum which makes it scary for me i think.

Until yesterday and Jacki said that she thought she should keep an eye on me i thought i was doing ok. Like i said i am enjoying some things about my life. I still love my husband and enjoy his company. We do talk about things other than Katelyn but its just that i dont have much else to talk about at the moment because this is my whole world. We do talk about work and other things though.

The way i looked at it before yesterday was that i knew that it wasnt good that i didnt want to see people but to be honest i didnt really focus on it because i am happy to be at home or go out with Rowan, it is more relaxing for me in this environment. I think it is more of a safety issue and i dont want to deal with other peoples grief reactions to what has happened. If i dont let other people in they cant hurt me IYKWIM so i have created a barrier without realising or wanting that to happen. People can be cruel and i have had enough bad remarks to not want to experience anymore.

I really feel "ok" most of the time. I do feel like i am coping pretty well considering what i have been through. Katelyn's birth was extremely traumatic. I also think that one day soon i will kind of give myself permission to be fully happy again a little bit at a time. I guess i have lost Katelyn who was so important that i kind of feel like i should be grieving for her. She shouldnt even be born yet. I also feel that when i get pregnant with a new baby i will have something happy to focus on in my future which will help me to interact with people again. I am ok at work, i say hello and goodbye to the other staff and i can discuss work things quite well when the need is there. I can talk to clients as if nothing has happened. Even yesterday we had a tradesman come over to our house and he asked me when i was going to give my dad some grandkids and i managed to tell him very briefly that we had just lost Katelyn but i didnt cry or anything, i thought i handled it pretty well i acknowledged her existence but managed to keep it all together. Im not on the verge of tears all the time, i can think about Katelyn and not feel absolute despair over whats happened to her, i think that i am starting to accept that this has happened and i will feel this way about her for the rest of my life. I can cry at the drop of a hat if i need or want to but im not that way all day everyday. But i feel that it is very hard to concentrate on work when i have access to this site etc.

I do smile and laugh but there is a sadness in my heart for Katelyn but i think that will always be there.

It scares me that other people think that i am depressed though, it kind of makes you doubt yourself.

I dont know if i am describing myself very well here but i just think that i miss my daughter but i am ok.