Hey Becc,

Thanks for your thoughts and no you are not too late. I am always willing to listen to whatever advice others can offer.

Even though it is so sad and you never want another person to feel like this it is so nice to know that you are not abnormal. I think that is how i cope with things. I just think well i feel that way and that is how hundreds of other people have felt so it is ok i just try to accept my feelings for what they are at that particular time.

Going back to work was extremely difficult. Can i share with you my experience of it?

Well let me set the scene - i work in a small office with 11 staff. I am pretty close with most of the girls and they had been asking me quite alot about what it was like to be pregnant etc. They were always asking after me which is nice. A couple of days before we found out that Katelyn had died a few of us were looking at the pregnancy photos that i had taken (you know the same time every couple of weeks so i could see how much my belly had grown). There was one photo of Rowan and i that we took on the day we found out we were expecting. We just look so happy. Anyway that is slightly off track. Just trying to let you know what sort of relationship that we have. So because i also work with my mum and dad they had told everyone at the monday meeting after i Katelyn was born on the Sunday. I really didnt want anyone to know because it hurt too much but they had to know why i wasnt at work as i had left suddenly on friday (to go to the doctors for my appointment and not come back that day). Mum and Dad said that they just had their heads down but most of the girls had a tear etc. Well it took me 3 weeks to go in. I couldnt face everyone individually but one of the girls was leaving so i wanted to say goodbye to her. On the day that she left they had drinks after work so i just went in said hi to everyone and plonked myself down on the chair. That was honestly the hardest part and i took a deep breath before i did it. They could all see me sitting in the car anyway so i couldnt wimp out! The girl who was leaving, we talked about Katelyn a bit, i used to sit next to her so she was very upset. And another said that it will get easier (she has no kids by the way!!). I felt upset afterwards but at least i had done it - it was another thing out the way. Anyway i went back to work part time for a week (i just went in when i wanted to). I was there at starting time but left about 2 in the arvo when it just got too much. Then the next two weeks i was in canberra for a conference with my dad and then on holidays in Sydney and Melbourne for a week after that (DH flew over). We had already had that planned so we just continued but god it was so hard to leave her ashes behind for so long. Anyway going back to work again (6 weeks since Katelyn was born) was still hard but it has got much easier and i am definately back into the swing of things now. It is easy at work now. That is far too long sorry. All i was trying to say is that it was really hard at first but before you know it a few weeks have gone by and it is much better. Although i am on this site all the time to get me through the day!

Probably the only tips that helped me was greating everyone at the same time so you dont have to make the small talk (keeping in mind it was only 3 weeks after she had died) and getting in early so people have to greet you not the other way around.

The way that everyone dealt with it i found hard though. They basically didnt talk to me and kind of acted like i wasnt there. I know that they care i think they just thought that i looked so sad (and was on the verge of tears most of the time) that they didnt want to upset me anymore and they didnt know what to say anyway. It hurt that they reacted that way because i really wanted to talk about Katelyn at that point but i understand why they did it. They have all kind of relaxed now and treating me normally but i did feel like i had the plague for awhile.

Well i hope that you are going well, do you have the sort of job that allows you to be flexible with your hours? The thing that i found hard was writing in my diary and completing dates in spreadsheets after the time that i would have been finishing work and being with Katelyn. I didnt really think about this much before hand, it still gets me but i am getting there.

Love Sarah