Well it is Katelyn's due date tomorrow and i just wanted to write here to say how i am feeling, there is no need to reply it is more for me to try and get my head into some sort of order.

I am feeling very teary today and not really wanting to talk to anyone about anything in general, i feel as though i just want to go and hide under a big rock. I have found it difficult in the last week because it has been very much in my face about where my life should be now and where it actually is.

Rowan is taking the day off with me tomorrow so that we can celebrate Katelyn's day and her brief little life.

A few people have sent us cards to show that they remembered which is great and are just some more things that i can add into her memory box.

I feel quite strange at the moment because i feel as though i am on the edge of a cliff. Up until now it has always been well i should still be pregnant with my little girl and now i am on the edge of now i should be holding my Katelyn in my arms and caring for her the way that i had planned.

Will i be able to cope with this change? Everyone tells me that i will and that once tomorrow is over with it will be a little more closure for us. Im not so sure at this point i guess only time will tell.

Im actually so glad that i am pregnant again at this point in my grieving journey. Even though it doesnt make it any easier to cope with what happened to Katelyn it does make the future more bearable and brighter if that makes any sense.

If it is fine tomorrow we are going to start the tradition of a picnic for Katelyn's day which we are planning to continue forever with our future children as they come along. We might also go to the movies in the afternoon because this is something that we like to do when we were pregnant and the one thing that felt safe socially soon after we lost Katelyn. Because i have her ashes at home with us i will take her to both these things, i often take her to the movies just to feel that she is still with us and involved in our lives. I know that it probably sounds stupid but it is just our way of coping with her death.

Most days i look back on my memories of Katelyn and can smile about the fantastic things that she brought to our lives. She was our first baby and we had all our first experiences with her, the happy ultrasounds and loud heartbeats etc, she was and always will be the baby who made us parents. Just because we cant hold and care for our baby doesnt mean that she is no longer part of our family and our love for her will always live on in our hearts as will her memory.

Love Sarah