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Thread: Baby Lost - Heart Broken (Factor V Leiden responsible)

  1. #199
    meg Guest

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    Just wanted to pop in and say well done to you both. I think it is so important to recognise that you will have good and bad days and be OK with that, to not judge yourself for how you are feeling, to acknowledge the sadness and just let it be. I am very proud of you both. Hoping tomorrow is a good one.

    Love Meg


  2. #200

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    Hi Girls,

    No need to reply i just felt like posting under Katelyn's story because i hadnt in awhile.

    I just wanted to say a few things out loud, like i said no replys necessary.

    I just wanted to say how much i still miss my baby girl. Just because i am pregnant again none of those feelings about her have gone away. Being pregnant again has just made me feel more positive about where my future is heading and also that Katelyn will not be our only chance to ever have a baby.

    She is still so precious to me and i think about her all the time. I still really really want her to be here even though i think i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that she never will be. Now i want her and little bean not one over the other.

    Katelyn still holds such a special and huge place in my heart. We have such an incredible bond. She was my first born baby and she was perfect. This new baby is such a tribute to her that we are willing to go though whatever it takes to have some more of the happiness that we had in the to short time that she was with us.

    I will miss Katelyn forever, i know that she lives on in my heart and the love i have for her will continue to be so strong. We will meet again one day - this cant be the end.

  3. #201

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    Sometimes i feel like writing a few things in here, again there is no need to reply.

    Well it has been 4 months today since my precious Katelyn was born. It still hurts so much and i have come to accept that it always will. The time seems to have gone so fast yet everyday is filled with thoughts of her.

    Her due date is approaching next month which is also hard.

    I think that the memorial service that we are having in mid august (before her due date) will be a big help. Although it wont make anything easier it will still let us both grieve for her in an organised setting.

    I think that this is such a hard thing to go through, i honestly think that she knows how i feel and how much i love her and that we will meet again. Like i have said before i cant say goodbye to her because this cant be the end.

    Love Sarah

  4. #202
    Melinda Guest

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    Sarah,

    I know you said that there was no need to reply to your post, but I really wanted to, so I hope that's ok.

    I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of big squishy cyber hugs for today and the next month. It must be such a hard time for you.

    Katelyn will always have such a special place in your heart and you're right - being PG again doesn't make the loss any less or take the feelings away. Anniversaries are such tough times, but like you said, I'm sure that she does know how you feel and how very much you love her.

    Again, I hope you don't mind my replying to your post....I just really wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. I'm glad that you still use this thread when you feel the need too - it's really good therapy to get all your feelings out in the open.

    Thinking of you............

  5. #203

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    Of course i dont mind you replying Tootie, I just didnt want anyone to feel like they had too, like you said it is just away for me to keep in touch with my feelings and get them out in the open.

    Thanks for what you said though, i know you have had some anniversarys this month also so i hope you are feeling ok about those. Big hugs back.

    Love Sarah

  6. #204

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    Just wanted to say that we went to a memorial organised by the chaplain at the hospital for Katelyn on Saturday.

    It was for all the families that had had someone pass away around the time that Katelyn was born.

    It was very emotional for both Rowan and I, especially when they read out her name and we had to go up and collect some rosemary, lavender and tea tree that they had bundled together with Katelyn's name on it.

    Even though it was really hard i also feel that it was quite healing to go and express the loss that we feel in a formal manner.

    I really think that it was quite good timing because Katelyn's due date is coming up really soon and i have been feeling very upset about her all the time. I am always upset about her but i am finding this time particularly hard.

    Afterwards they put on a light lunch upstairs and we got to talk to a fair amount of people, which was good because they understood more than some of our friends what we are going through losing Katelyn.

    We also spoke to another young couple who had lost their baby ashleigh at 21 weeks a few months after we had lost Katelyn. The circumstances are quite similar which was a bit scary but they didnt find any results with their tests whereas we found out about the FVL clotting disorder.

    What really shook me up though was that even though they have 2 daughters this was the second baby that they had lost under these circumstances. Late last year they lost a son at 19 weeks.

    Rowan and i were talking about our new baby on the way over to the hospital and how we thought that it just couldnt happen again we couldnt be that unlucky. And then we were smacked in the face by living proof that it can happen twice. I know that i am on the Clexane to stop the over clotting (which they were not) but i am still absoutely packing myself at the thought that this could happen again. One positive i suppose is that they have the same OB as us so he had experience with this type of thing although i guess it proves that he cant stop it.

    Right so i am trying to think of the positives at the moment but it is pretty hard.

    Love Sarah

  7. #205
    Melinda Guest

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    Oh Sarah, big hugs matey. I can only begin to imagine how hard it was to go to the ceremony, but I'm so very glad that you found it healing and soothing IYKWIM? It's fantastic that the hospital had organised it too - it's such an important thing to grieve and I just think it's great that the hospital has acknowledged that and provided an outlet for people to grieve and to share their experiences with others in similar situations.

    I know it must be very hard to feel positive when you were confronted with the other couple who have lost 2 babies - I just can't believe how awful that is, truly. That poor family. I'm not sure I can say anything to really ease your fears, except to tell you that it's only natural to worry and to have doubts and they are often compounded when you are confronted by this kind of situation. I guess all you can do is just take heart in the fact that something was found in your tests and that you are doing EVERYTHING you can to take care of yourself and to manage the condition with your OB.

    Thinking of you....

  8. #206

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    My friends just brought their new baby boy in.

    It is the first time that the mum has seen me or spoken to me since we lost Katelyn and it was to show me her new baby.

    I miss Katelyn so much.

    Now i am in my office with the door shut because i just cant stop the tears.......

    Love Sarah

  9. #207
    Melinda Guest

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    Oh Sarah, you poor chook. You've really had a harrowing time lately and I really feel for you. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you, particularly now when you are going through so much stress with Katelyn's EDD just around the corner and worrying about your little one and injections and the works!

    Just know that I'm thinking of you...

  10. #208

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    Thanks Tootie,

    You are always there for me and i really really appreciate that.

    Love Sarah

  11. #209

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    Hi Sarah

    I just replied to your email but then I came in here & saw your last post.

    That must have been so difficult for you, seeing your friends & their baby.

    I am another one who is thinking of you and I am sending you so many hugs.

    Love

  12. #210

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    Thanks Bec,

    You dont know how much that means right now.

    Love Sarah

  13. #211
    meg Guest

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    Sarah- we went to a memorial for people who had lost children or babies. It was really special and DH and I balled out eyes out the whole way through. DH doesn't cry much so it was so good to have some kind of process or structure that allow him to grieve. I think it is so good that they run such things. It is really challenging to face another pregnancy. I think it is very scary as we know all too well that things can go wrong. There is nothing I can say to make that fear go away, there is nothing that makes my own fear go away. But boy, won't our little ones be special when they come to us! I know that everything will be worth it when we can hold a healthy little one in our arms. I know that on some level you believe this can happen or you wouldn't even be embarking on this journey again. Wishing you mountains of strength and lots of love, and know that if you need a shoulder for support or a listening ear we will be around.

  14. #212

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    Dear Meg,

    Thanks for that matie, i remember you saying awhile ago that you had been to a memorial. Ours wasnt designed soley for babies but it was still quite a constructive environment. Thanks for the support, i know that you are right and both our babies will be absolutely fine, its just that i have a little voice sometimes that says what if it is not.............i am learning to deal with the stress ATM and think that i am going as well as i can at this point.

    I cant wait to hear about your u/s. Very exciting.

    Love Sarah

  15. #213

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    Sarah,

    Will be thinking of you tomorrow & remembering Katelyn with you.

    :hugs: :hugs:

    Love

  16. #214

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    Thanks Bec,

    It will be a hard day but i means alot that other people are thinking of her.

    Love Sarah

  17. #215

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    Well it is Katelyn's due date tomorrow and i just wanted to write here to say how i am feeling, there is no need to reply it is more for me to try and get my head into some sort of order.

    I am feeling very teary today and not really wanting to talk to anyone about anything in general, i feel as though i just want to go and hide under a big rock. I have found it difficult in the last week because it has been very much in my face about where my life should be now and where it actually is.

    Rowan is taking the day off with me tomorrow so that we can celebrate Katelyn's day and her brief little life.

    A few people have sent us cards to show that they remembered which is great and are just some more things that i can add into her memory box.

    I feel quite strange at the moment because i feel as though i am on the edge of a cliff. Up until now it has always been well i should still be pregnant with my little girl and now i am on the edge of now i should be holding my Katelyn in my arms and caring for her the way that i had planned.

    Will i be able to cope with this change? Everyone tells me that i will and that once tomorrow is over with it will be a little more closure for us. Im not so sure at this point i guess only time will tell.

    Im actually so glad that i am pregnant again at this point in my grieving journey. Even though it doesnt make it any easier to cope with what happened to Katelyn it does make the future more bearable and brighter if that makes any sense.

    If it is fine tomorrow we are going to start the tradition of a picnic for Katelyn's day which we are planning to continue forever with our future children as they come along. We might also go to the movies in the afternoon because this is something that we like to do when we were pregnant and the one thing that felt safe socially soon after we lost Katelyn. Because i have her ashes at home with us i will take her to both these things, i often take her to the movies just to feel that she is still with us and involved in our lives. I know that it probably sounds stupid but it is just our way of coping with her death.

    Most days i look back on my memories of Katelyn and can smile about the fantastic things that she brought to our lives. She was our first baby and we had all our first experiences with her, the happy ultrasounds and loud heartbeats etc, she was and always will be the baby who made us parents. Just because we cant hold and care for our baby doesnt mean that she is no longer part of our family and our love for her will always live on in our hearts as will her memory.

    Love Sarah

  18. #216

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    Hi Sarah

    Have been thinking of you both and hope you are both alright. It must have been hard for you. I will never forget Katelyn she will always be remembered in my heart.

    :hugs: :hugs: to you.

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