Thanx guys, a huge part of me just wants to move on & start trying to have another baby, but then the sensible side kicks in & I know that from previous experience I need a little more time. Then throw into the mix the fact that we are in the middle of buying another house & selling ours (both are under contract atm) & DH telling me last nite that he needs to think about having another baby once we are settled into the new house & we can judge our financial position a bit more & I'm a total emotional mess all over again.

I just don't get it, last week he was all for giving it a little time & then trying again & now all of a sudden he needs to think about things, WTF??? When he said yes we hadn't sold our house so our initial loan for the new house was more, but now our house is under contract & if it all goes through then that eases the financial pressure coz we can pay a huge chuck of it off the new loan. So surely that would make things easier for us in a financial sense & not harder?? I just don't get his way of thinking & then of all the times to discuss it he decides to raise it just as I'm going to bed. So it isn't discussed properly at all.

Then we had a bit of an all out with the counsellor yesterday over some of the stuff that has been going on since we lost speckle, & here he is saying different things while the counsellor was there than he had said when it was just the two of us. Anyway for a little while now we are going to see the counsellor separately to help us deal individually with what we are going through (it is probably more for my benefit than DH's as such) so I'm hoping it will help me deal with some of the anger & bitterness & other washing machine emotions that I am going through atm. It is just so hard, then even when I have a good day something seems to go wrong, or I feel bad because I feel like I'm not grieving speckle properly by not having them in my thoughts all the time. I know we all move on eventually, I guess I thought it should take more time than 3wks to forget my precious little baby. Not that I've forgotten them as such, I probably mean more for me not to be thinking about them all the time.

There are times more than others when it hits me, I found out yesterday that two of my friends are both pregnant. One is 14wks & the other is 20wks ~ they had both planned to tell us about 4wks ago but of course then things went wrong for us & they decided to wait a bit. Then I go shopping yesterday & I swear that every pregnant woman in my town was in the supermarket or down the street shopping ~ it just isn't fair. I want to still be one of those pregnant women & even though I know that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it, I guess part of me is mad at my beautiful little baby for getting itself into such a mess.

Part of me feels that maybe mother nature is trying to tell me that one is all I'll ever have, but that isn't what I want at all.

Anyway enough of a rant & ramble here, will go & dry my eyes now before I short out the keyboard 8-[

If you've got this far a huge thanx