Oh tilygirl, I am so very sorry to read your story. You must be in a world of pain, haze, confusion, hurt and anger. I know the lost feeling and I know the wanting to slap people when they say "How are you?".
Take it one day at a time, and if that's too much, go for one hour at a time. If that's too much, one breath at a time. That's all you need to do right now.
If something helps, like talking to us, keep doing it. If it doesn't, don't do it. Try and keep it nice and simple.
Tily Lucy sounds beautiful. Are you ready? Would you like to share her photos? I am so sorry she couldn't stay. What pain you must be in, I wish it wasn't so
I can't sleep... thank-you all for your kind words.
I spend so many hours at night just thinking, I have lost all track of time.
I remember the moment we found out Lucy had died. It was like my world came crashing down around me, the thought of what was to come was overwhelming, but I didn't fall apart. Somehow we made it through to Lucy's birth. We had our family around us. I felt so strong while I was in labour, we even comforted our families because we could see how much they were hurting for us. We were about to meet our precious baby, i told them all not to cry. All I felt was joy, I so wanted to meet our son/daughter. I am so glad everyone was able to meet her and hold her. I was a mum, I felt so proud. It's hard to explain the strength she gave me. Saying goodbye the next day was so hard but I was ok and still we didn't fall apart. The weeks following we have been surrounded by family, we still are. But as time goes by the strength she gave me is wavering.
I am starting to feel so detached from everything. I still have this overwhelming sense of grief that is consuming me, but it's almost like it is about someone else, not me. I have trouble remembering what it was like being pregnant. Like it was a whole other lifetime.
I feel like I am going crazy, did this really happen to me?
Tilygirl - I am so very sorry.... I know I am a bit late in saying so and reading your story - it's still very raw for all of us.. I think you are incredibly strong!!! What has happened to you and your family is extremely emotional and extremely traumatic - you're not meant to be okay yet and that In itself is okay - I've come to realise that for all of us what has happened to us of course were not okay, not yet anyway, but yes eventually we will be - we don't need to be strong for others we just need to heal... If that means talking to someone then you should do it - if it means turning around in a shopping centre coz you can't bare looking at another pregnant woman do that too... Time - we all know it - in time we will be okay - but on here, our support group - we can say No Im Not Okay .... I though I was okay yep grieved time to get on with life - then BAM - my friend gave birth; so happy for her, then why does it burn in my heart??
Teagam - I think it's a wonderful idea for TG to share her photos xx - don't know how to do either TG
I think I have gone off track and rambled a bit - it's very early for me ATM but hope I made a little sense to everyone
to everyone to those who are having a tough time at the moment.
Op I can't see your sig as I'm on my phone, but I will take time to have a look when I'm on the computer next. I hope you're feeling well.. Emotionally and physically.
Hope - I'm listening hun, I'm so sorry
Diamond - I don't really know where to begin. It's been a week already.. As another member said (sorry I can't remember who..Teegam?), it's just a drop of water.. I can only imagine the grief you're dealing with. If you feel as if youre overwhelmed with grief, yes - please go and see your doctor. You have been through a lot this year... Remember to eat, you need to stay strong for your two boys. You're never far from my thoughts beautiful lady.
Tily - I had no idea. I am so. So. So. Sad to hear your precious girl couldn't stay with you. The grief you must be experiencing right now.. I couldn't even imagine. Please keep talking to us, we are all listening.
Tily, re photos - if you have them posted online somewhere, there's a thread somewhere around here that mums can use to share photos. Are they on facebook? Or flickr?
Or you can post them in your Belly Belly photo album if you're not ready for the whole world to see them.
Hun I wrote a long post about the same sort of thing - I thought I was ok and then came crashing down in a big heap. I think its a bit of self-preservation, your mind lets you compartmentalise it to protect yourself when it is so raw and real and then at some stage the walls come down and you start to deal with what has happened.
I wish there was more I could say, more I could do.
On a selfish note, I just noticed yesterday's post, picked it up, rego, bill from accountant, then an envelope that said VCGS Pathology. Opened it up, its a bill for our 10.5wk maternal serum testing.
Why couldn't they have written that one off? They don't know what happened... nor do they care, a service is a service, we had a test done and it needs to be paid for. But its still another kick in the guts. I got all emotional when I realised what it was.
tilygirl I am so sorry to read you story and hear about your beautiful Lucy, I' m so sorry she couldn't stay with you. I remember when you got pregnant, you must be feeling shocked right now. Please take care and talk to us whenever you need. Big hugs to you and your DH, saffy xx
Our Son, Reid was born sleeping this week at 16 weeks 3 day. The wound is still very fresh but I feel I need to talk to someone who can understand what we are going through. Face to face talk at the moment would be to difficult so here is an even better option.
Reid's early arrival was due to Chorioamnionitis. This is an infection in the sac and waters surrounding Reid. Essentially, Reid was a perfectly healthy boy but due to the infection from my body which reached him, my body "rejected" him and I went into preterm labour.
The labour itself was the most painful labour yet. I guess it was painful because it my mind i knew that it shouldn't be happening. The contractions were 2 mins apart from the beginning. They were so strong. I heard his heart beating at about 10am through the doppler and I honestly thought he would be ok. But the look on all their faes said it all. I could feel myself pushing with some of the contractions but i was fighting it. I was terrified to push him our alive.
So much of it was a blur. I'd had a couple of shots of morphine and was using gas. I was eventually transferred to another larger hospital by ambulance. This is where i later birthed Reid.
The contractions eventually slowed but I could feel a lot of pressure in my vagina and bottom. I was taken for an ultrasound where it was confirmed that Reids heart no longer beat. I commented on how squashed he looked and was told that it was probably cause he was in the lower part of the utuers now. This is why I had so much pressure down there.
I was taken back to my room where I laid back down for a little longer to await his birth. I was terrified that I would have to go through labour again to birth him. I eventually got up to go to the toilet as I felt like I needed to push something out. I wasnt sure if it was the baby or a clot so I made the midwife put a container in the toilet.
I sat down onto the toilet and gave a little push and I could feel soemthing move down into my vagina. I wasn't sure whther I should keep pushing or not but I did. I could tell it was the baby. It felt way to big and hard to be a clot. I pushed a little more and out he came. The relief was immediate. I looked into the toilet but I couldn't tell if it was him. The midwife looked and said yes it was as she could see his placenta.
We then took out the container and I could see him inside the sac. That image is burned into my mind. I could see his little leg bent. I laid on the bed while the midwife opened the sac and brought him to me. He was perfect. So perfect. He just needed the time to grow. We didn't know his sex at this point and we immediately looked and see that he is a boy. Finally, we have a Son. I break down immediately. I finally have a Son and he is gone. Taken from us too soon.
We then clip his cord and I cut it. Sadly DP didn't make it back in to be with us during this time as he had to take care of the girls. He and the girls came back in a little later to meet Reid. We took photo's of him and the girls together. Ofcourse they didn't really understand or fully comprehend what was happening but I'm glad for this. Seeing an ounce of pain in them would have shattered me.
I'm still coming to terms with the fact that it was my body who resulted in the death of our perfectly healthy son. He was strong our boy. He fought right until the end when it was too much to fight any more.
We are yet to bury or cremate him and although it may be morbid for some, he's resting in a memory box in our freezer at the moment until we decide its time to make this decision.
The infection which caused all this mess is still in my body. I've only been discharged from hospital yesterday and am still on a strict regime of antibiotics at home. I don't usually like taking antibiotics but with talk of possibly losing my uterus should the infection get out of control, I'm not taking any chances.
Overall, I feel ok. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride. Unfortunately DP and my mum (who's down from Townsville) are making me feel like I can't openly grieve. DP hasn't openly grieved at all which concerns me. He says he's sad but I guess thats some men for you.
Thoughts of another baby have already been on my mind. I feel guilty and definately frightened to even consider going back again. I want to try and shut those kinda thoughts out of my mind but its hard. Its not really fair to Ried
Sorry for the long post. I guess I needed to write it all down.
Sara - Im so very sorry that your beautiful boy Reid was taken too soon. He was such a brave, strong boy to hold on like that. I hope that by writing it all down helps you, if only to take the very slightest edge off the intense pain you must be in. We are all here to listen, to cry with you and to hold your hand as you try to get through this.
So much pain, so much loss in this thread. It breaks my heart to see so many suffering in here.
There is so much pain in here, I am in tears reading everyone's posts..
Sara sweet sweet baby boy taken too soon, DH & I like to think our baby was a boy who passed, it's just not fair, none of it - I so wish I had the answer to all of ours questions and wish i could take al the hurt away...
TT: thank you for your ears....
OP: So sorry that ll these feelings were brought to the surface again, like you said a service is a service that needs payment... we got my pathology receipt in the mail on Thursday yet another reminder of what we DONT have any more
I am in such a bad space right now, I decided to go to my best friends baby shower, prepared to go drove there with DD ready yep, I was going good, then she opens door picks up DD and gives her kiss and says to her - are you taking care of you mummy?? she needs you right now gorgeous girl.. I look at her and burst into tears!!! I didnt think she fully understood what i ws going through and didnt realy want her to as shes about to have her first and want her to think nothing but positiveness... it was just overwhelming that she got I need help and needed taking care of and that she was there.. So we cry and stop and then enjoy the day.. then on my way home i cry and realise just how much i want another baby but that I can't do it yet, that 2012 is about me Dh and DD no one else...
I think i need a break from BB I'm sorry ladies, I know we need support and I get it so well on here, but my word the pain is so overwhelming... I will be lurking I am sure, I will post when you need support I will always be here....
Sara, I'm so sorry Even though I lost mine at only 6 weeks, I remember what it feels to 'birth' and see everything. I hated it at the time, but now I look back and am thankful that I got that much of my babies.
Yesterday was a VERY bad day for me. I found out that my cousin is pregnant again. I won't share my opinion of her parenting of her current 6 children, but suffice to say, in my mind she doesn't deserve it. It made me so angry, so heartsick to think of another baby being born into that household. I felt like I'd been stabbed when Mum told me, and I promptly went to my bedroom and sobbed until the valium kicked in. I feel a little guilty now, because she got rid of all her baby things after her last bub, so she has nothing now. Mum suggested that I might want to give her the few things I've collected for my ever-distant baby, but I refused. I don't want her to have my baby's things.....is that wrong?
HPL, I understand Take the time you need sweetheart, we'll be waiting when you get back.
Last edited by Bumperstump Cummerbund; November 27th, 2011 at 12:00 PM.
Sara: for you im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy Reid and that is so sad your milk is coming in, can you get a script for dostinex to stop it ?
HPL: i understand the need to have a break to you and i hope you can make it back here when you need support
Keike: for you to, personally i don't think you are wrong, i would have a hard to time giving up my unused things for someone else, especially when you are still hoping for your own bub
Registered User
I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to your beautiful daughter too early.
I am so. So. So. Sad to hear your precious girl couldn't stay with you. The grief you must be experiencing right now.. I couldn't even imagine. Please keep talking to us, we are all listening.
thank you for your ears....
Bookmarks