Our Son, Reid was born sleeping this week at 16 weeks 3 day. The wound is still very fresh but I feel I need to talk to someone who can understand what we are going through. Face to face talk at the moment would be to difficult so here is an even better option.
Reid's early arrival was due to Chorioamnionitis. This is an infection in the sac and waters surrounding Reid. Essentially, Reid was a perfectly healthy boy but due to the infection from my body which reached him, my body "rejected" him and I went into preterm labour.
The labour itself was the most painful labour yet. I guess it was painful because it my mind i knew that it shouldn't be happening. The contractions were 2 mins apart from the beginning. They were so strong. I heard his heart beating at about 10am through the doppler and I honestly thought he would be ok. But the look on all their faes said it all. I could feel myself pushing with some of the contractions but i was fighting it. I was terrified to push him our alive.
So much of it was a blur. I'd had a couple of shots of morphine and was using gas. I was eventually transferred to another larger hospital by ambulance. This is where i later birthed Reid.
The contractions eventually slowed but I could feel a lot of pressure in my vagina and bottom. I was taken for an ultrasound where it was confirmed that Reids heart no longer beat. I commented on how squashed he looked and was told that it was probably cause he was in the lower part of the utuers now. This is why I had so much pressure down there.
I was taken back to my room where I laid back down for a little longer to await his birth. I was terrified that I would have to go through labour again to birth him. I eventually got up to go to the toilet as I felt like I needed to push something out. I wasnt sure if it was the baby or a clot so I made the midwife put a container in the toilet.
I sat down onto the toilet and gave a little push and I could feel soemthing move down into my vagina. I wasn't sure whther I should keep pushing or not but I did. I could tell it was the baby. It felt way to big and hard to be a clot. I pushed a little more and out he came. The relief was immediate. I looked into the toilet but I couldn't tell if it was him. The midwife looked and said yes it was as she could see his placenta.
We then took out the container and I could see him inside the sac. That image is burned into my mind. I could see his little leg bent. I laid on the bed while the midwife opened the sac and brought him to me. He was perfect. So perfect. He just needed the time to grow. We didn't know his sex at this point and we immediately looked and see that he is a boy. Finally, we have a Son. I break down immediately. I finally have a Son and he is gone. Taken from us too soon.
We then clip his cord and I cut it. Sadly DP didn't make it back in to be with us during this time as he had to take care of the girls. He and the girls came back in a little later to meet Reid. We took photo's of him and the girls together. Ofcourse they didn't really understand or fully comprehend what was happening but I'm glad for this. Seeing an ounce of pain in them would have shattered me.
I'm still coming to terms with the fact that it was my body who resulted in the death of our perfectly healthy son. He was strong our boy. He fought right until the end when it was too much to fight any more.
We are yet to bury or cremate him and although it may be morbid for some, he's resting in a memory box in our freezer at the moment until we decide its time to make this decision.
The infection which caused all this mess is still in my body. I've only been discharged from hospital yesterday and am still on a strict regime of antibiotics at home. I don't usually like taking antibiotics but with talk of possibly losing my uterus should the infection get out of control, I'm not taking any chances.
Overall, I feel ok. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride. Unfortunately DP and my mum (who's down from Townsville) are making me feel like I can't openly grieve. DP hasn't openly grieved at all which concerns me. He says he's sad but I guess thats some men for you.
Thoughts of another baby have already been on my mind. I feel guilty and definately frightened to even consider going back again. I want to try and shut those kinda thoughts out of my mind but its hard. Its not really fair to Ried
Sorry for the long post. I guess I needed to write it all down.
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