Need some thoughts, new here too

[whattodo]

Hi all, i'm new to this forum and i'm hoping i might find some help.

First a little about me, i have 2 kids, oldest being 11yrs. I'm divorced and i was in a recent relationship with a guy for over 3yrs but his mum is very determined he marry someone from their country that she's managed to 'buy' him into it. I really think it's brainwashing, but either way, he's now engaged to this person who he's known for barely a mth while he was there on 'holiday' which was to meet her. Seems the two families have planned this a long time ago as she's 24, still a virgin and has been waiting for him.

When he returned, he of course came back to me and was confused as to what he wanted. When i later found txts on his ph, him telling her he loves her, etc. i went nuts and ended it. Seems he was playing me, maybe just using me to fill in time till she gets here. Don't know. I doubt he even knows what he wants even though he'll say she's everything he's wanted, a virgin with no bagage.

Now the problem is, i'm about 4wks pregnant. Just confirmed it couple of days ago. He doesn't want it under any cirumstance and is pretty much forcing me to abort. His mum doesn't even know about me, he always said she wouldn't approve of me cos i had kids and was divorced.

I really don't want to abort, but at the same time my youngest started school and i got a job, which i love, and i've just started to get my life back on track. I know i couldn't raise this kid on my own, it was hard enough when ex hubby was helping. I don't really have family to help either.

So, i don't know what to do. I have wondered of adopting it out, and i'm not sure if i could when it came time. I know it's a boy, not that that makes any difference either way. If i had someone to look after it while i was at work and to help out, i could probably do it. But at the moment, i can't see how i could cope.

[AwesomeFoursome]

Welcome to bb. It sounds like you are have a hard time. He CAN NOT under any cirumstance force you to abort. This is your baby, your body and your decision. You need to do whatever you choose for YOU not him. If you do choose to keep the bub there is help out there, you just need to make it very clear that you need help. Just take time out to think and work out what you want. Your ex sounds very spineless. Best of luck with everything .

[*becstar*]

Oh wow! What a situation to be in. You absolutely have to make the right decision for YOU. No one else but YOU. I'm not sure of details but i'm sure there would be some kind of counselling you could go to to help with a decision, just someone to talk it over with? i'm sure if you went to your GP they could refer you to someone??

Take care of yourself. Keep up with BB, there will always be someone here to support you, no matter what your decision is. All the best. xxx

[whattodo]

Thank you both.

I know there would be some support, but i don't know how i could manage it all on my own.

I'm 32 and finally in the workforce, it's taken a long time to get here and to do this on my own now would stuff up a lot of things for me and my kids. We've been struggling for so long and now finally we're that little better off which is making enough difference that the kids don't feel left out of too many things, especially with school, etc.

My mum is no help really, she says she'll help but she's not reliable. One minute she'll help and next she won't, and when she will, she wants money for it.

I know i couldn't ask the ex for anything as he's already made it clear that he wants nothing to do with it. Deep down though i know it's not true, i think he's just saying that cos of the crappy situation he's in now. he has to impress a lot of people and is under pressure. So far he's putting on an act, he's lied to her so many times already. Anyway. Point is, i'd have to give up a lot of things to try to raise this baby on my own.

I know in a way it's a selfish thing, but what chance do i have of finding someone with 3 kids?

I just don't know whats the best thing to do.

[Inertia]

I don't envy you the decisions you now face. But this is key - those decisions are entirely yours to make. Your XP has made his and while he can't tell you what to do with your body and your child, his choice ostensibly says to me that he has voluntarily removed himself from the equation. Don't let yourself feel pressured by him at all, and remind him that he made his decision, its out of his hands now.

Anything further to that is entirely up to you. Any advice I could give would be too far removed from the situation to be given in your best interests. What I can say is writing is amazingly therapeutic and helpful. Get some time to yourself and write down everything that comes to mind about this. Write down exactly what outcomes you would want, how the alternatives make you feel, get it all down. Once your head is decluttered and it is all on paper, it should help you make a decision that you, your heart and your head can all agree to.

Good Luck. for you. Remember, no matter where that process takes you, you will find support on BellyBelly.

[Shalou]

Hi, I just wanted to send lots of best wishes your way. I can't imagine what your going through. I'm not sure whether this would be an option to you but is it possible to use childcare? I know not everyone is open to this option but you don't necessarily have to use centre based care, you could try family day care or shared nanny care. I'm sorry I'm not much help to, but I'd definately talk it over with your GP. Even if it's not your regular one, there are some great female GP's around now who specialise in pregnancy options and counselling who may be able to help you decide what is right for you and your children. Wishing you all the best in your decision.

[Toomanytoomany]

I'm so sorry for the difficult situation you find yourself in.

If *you* don't want to continue the pregnancy, that's up to you, of course, absolutely. But he doesn't just get to say, "I wash my hands of this" and to leave you to your own devices. He has legal obligations should you continue with the pregnancy and will be required by law to provide child support.

If you are only four weeks along, you have some time to make a decision. Take him out of the picture, don't factor what is right for him into it at all - just focus on what is best for you, and what you want, and what you can manage.

And I wish you all the best in your decision.

[Nelle]

Sounds like such a tough situation. I agree with Toomany that if you chose to acknowledge his paternity, then he is obliged to provide financial support.

I'm curious as to how you know bub is a boy if you're only about 4 weeks pregnant?

All the best with your decision making.

[Toomanytoomany]

I forgot to add... I was a single parent for five years and often despaired of finding anyone who would take on a ready made family. But I did and it's been wonderful.

[whattodo]

Thanks everyone.

I keep going over it in my head trying to figure out what's the best for all involved. I'm not thinking about my ex. (probably in time he'd come around, but now he's against it)

My kids, both don't want another one to join us, selfish i guess, but they're having to deal with their dad getting married and her having a toddler, so i guess they're over it all.

As i said, i love my job and just getting into it all and finally getting somewhere, i really dont' want to give that up. I'd need another room for the baby, so i'd have to move, which isn't really something i want to do right now or could.

I have thought of adopting it out, but i don't know if i'd be able to, nothing worse then getting to the end and wanting it. If i could either find a great but cheap babysitter, i'd probably keep it.

One thought i had was if i did adopt, is having to later deal with the 'why did u give me up?' What if his life ended up crap and it's better if i just didn't go through with it??

Too many thoughts and no answers. I know the easiest way out is to abort but is that the best??

Nelle, i know when i'm pregnant and i know what sex they are. With my first i knew i was pregnant before any test could pick it up. I remember going home over and over with doctors saying it's negative and not pregnant and then finally it showed up. I knew it was a girl. With the second, i knew the sex of it before it. I know how weird this sounds, but back then i was married and my dumb FIL kept saying to have another as we have to have a boy, and i didn't want to do as he said, and i kept having dreams it would be a boy. I finally gave in few years later and sure enough, had a boy. This one feels like a boy.

[Toomanytoomany]

If i could either find a great but cheap babysitter, i'd probably keep it....

<snip>I know the easiest way out is to abort but is that the best??

If it is "just" a matter of assistance in looking after the baby, then please look into your options, daycare, sitters, whatever, and what leave you may be entitled to in your work, and what flexibility might be available to you. The options are rarely black and white. And given that it's the idea of having to go it on your own that's causing most of your concern, I really worry that you might regret an abortion and that it wouldn't be the easiest way out for you at all. I'm not anti abortion by any means but it can have consequences emotionally particularly if you feel like you had little choice.

It might be a good idea to sit down with someone you trust and really hash out a good list of options. If you feel you have options and can choose from them, you are more likely to feel at ease with whatever decision you finally make.

[whattodo]

Here's the thing, about 6-7mths ago i was in the same situation, got pregnant with him and he went nuts, we were together at the time and he said he didn't want a baby with me, he kept saying his family wouldn't approve since i had kids. etc.... That one was a girl, i was attached to her, but i had to let her go as i was just starting work perm. A really crap situation, which is now i guess worse.

I know how stupid this makes me, thing is, at the time he'd say he didn't care if i'd fall pregnant, i guess he was hoping it wouldn't work, which is really stupid and selfish of him. He also treated me bad that day and after it, refused to help me and after we got home he left me. I was in agony and wks later he said he left that day cos he couldn't put up with me winging.

So i know, that the chances of him being of any help is not existent. Plus he'll be married to his virgin as planned by family. If they knew about it, it would cause him hell which would give me hell as he'd go nuts at me.

So if i keep it, it's me and kids only. No help from him in any way. I know that i couldn't have done it on my own with the last two, i was very young too, but it was very hard and my ex was great help. So on my own i really can't see it working. I'd need a nanny that lived with us.

Am i looking for excuses to abort? Do i sound like i want to keep it?