I would love some affection as I love a snuggle but my DH just won't give me any "free" cuddles. He always tries to sneak a hand down my pants or under my shirt, I feel like I'm 16 all over again, I mean really, we're not teenagers! We can't go to counselling as we have no support here in Melbourne so there is know one to look after the children so I feel pretty trapped and resigned to the fact that eventually he will leave and I'll go home and my children will grow up without a full time father. I know I'm rambling and I know I'm off track and I know I've totally hijacked this thread but I'm in a very very lonely place right now.
Have you tried giving in and seeing how it all goes? Maybe if you try to get back into it occasionally things might change and you might enjoy being intimate again?
Krisp, I never feel like it either, even when not pregnant. Sometimes I get turned off by the idea (I may be very strange, but that's how i feel). I will give in only so he doesn't run off else where, but not often (maybe fortnightly). And again, same as you Krisp, DH can't just have a cuddle, there's always more to it. I know that's because he's frustrated, but it means I dont' get what I need either. So he misses sex, I miss intimacy... I do really wonder how long it can go on that way.
Oh wow ladies. I know some of what you are going through. When I was preg with DS I wasnt allowed to have sex due to preg complications. Then when DS was born he was very sick and needed lots of heart surgery which as you might imagine was horrendous.
My DH and I had sex when DS was 5 weeks old (c-section delivery) and it hurt! I didnt want to after that for a while and then life was too stressful to have the energy or desire. I think we didnt have sex for around a year, then a couples of times in the second year. I did have counseling about stress etc and my counselor said that if we were having regular sex with the amount of stress we were living with there would be something wrong.
DS was also a rotten sleeper - up six times a night on average for 2.5 years and slept in our room until he was 14 months. My DH and I have both made and effort to get some intimacy back. Just cuddling and more touching WITHOUT it going anywhere. I think that is really important just to feel safe in cuddling and kissing without thinking it has to go somewhere else.
If you are preg, raising young children and sleep deprived - you are going through major changes. It is not reasonable to think other things in your life are also going to go through changes. My DH and I are back to having and enjoying sex (currently 6 wks preg so too scared to have sex!) and we are glad we made the effort to rebuild that part of our lives.
I dont think a reduced sex life means the death of the marriage necessarily. End of communication means the death of a marriage. Believe me ladies there will come a time when your body and mind are ready for sex again. I didnt think I would ever want to do it again. Its such a big adjustment though having kids and such a drain on your energy.
Have you tried talking to him about it, directly? I experienced the same thing really early on and it was as much of a shock to me as it was to him. We didn't talk about it at all for the first few months, but the underlying tension was so present that we had to sit down and discuss how we were both feeling, honestly.
It was difficult to articulate how I had become this person who was quite indifferent to sex and intimate contact, but he understood. And he explained to me that he felt as though he was being rejected as a result of my indifference, and that in fact despite how I was feeling (i.e. slightly awkward and constantly nauseous in those early months) he loved me and was attracted to me. Perhaps if you think about his behaviour as testament to his desire for you, it makes a bit more sense?
I came to realise that men can't really ever understand how physically taxing pregnancy and new motherhood can be, at any stage, so his initial sulkiness made a little more sense to me then. But...it was difficult for a while there, and he was hurt and upset and cranky, at times. I really think speaking about it openly, and clearing the air, might help things. Personally, I don't think you should have to feel as though you need to 'give in' to his advances - imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed, and you discovered that he had been, essentially, suffering through it just because he knew that you wanted to? That would feel quite crushing.
Really, I think the best thing is to talk about it - what do you have to lose? And imagine how much better you will feel when you no longer feel weighed down by guilt, and he by confusion? Neither emotion is a known aphrodisiac, anyway! Good luck!
i've not gone off sex during pregnancy (though it's not frequent cos DH knows how much worse the ms gets after) - but for a fairly decent period of time last year before the BFP, i just wasn't interested - after miscarriages, assisted conception, depression etc, i just wasn't there. i felt terrible, and intimacy wasn't on my list at all. so i would say to DH to tell me when he was getting REALLY antsy, and if i didn't feel like it, i'd give him a "helping hand" - it wasn't ideal, but he got his release, and for however long after that (anywhere up to four or five weeks) i'd get the snuggles etc - when the snuggles happened for that period of time, i would start to feel like being intimate sexually as well as emotionally because i wasn't being pressured.
i'm pretty lucky now in that DH won't pressure me at all - if he kisses me and i say i'm not up for it, he just cuddles me, and that understanding in turn helps me to feel more responsive to him and his "needs". i don't always finish for me when we DO have sex - but more often than not, i do because he has learnt over a period of time to be patient with me through all the crud i've been through - it was a long time getting to this point though!
i do agree, talk to your partners - tell them where you're at. TELL THEM that being groped isn't helping, expectations aren't helping. it just messes with your head even more and makes you MORE reluctant to be intimate with them...
I can relate to all this too. After our losses last year and IVF and things I just really lost the desire...it just went away ...I know it's been hard for DH but he doesn't ever pressure me. I think more regular intimacy would be more healthy for us though and I am making an effort...at least for more physical close time and snuggles, which all helps with closeness and to get in the mood.
Last edited by Possums; January 20th, 2009 at 08:44 AM.
With DS I lost interest in sex at about 12 weeks. I hated it and resented DH every time he touched me. He though when he was giving my boobs a grope etc that it was a turn on for me. Took a while but I set him straight. I found though when he started doing more ie cooking, washing etc and giving me a little 'non sexual' tlc it actually put me in the mood. He worked this out but it was only good for now and again.
With this pregnancy it's so so. I haven't lost interest but I want sleep more then sex. I think DH has worked this and he waits for me to let him know if I am in the mood. And if I am not at least he doesn't pressure me, thank god!
While I am pregnant or breastfeeding, I go completely off sex. All I can suggest is to talk openly with your partner, and maybe get him to come on belly belly so that he can see that this is normal and that it doesn't actually have anything to do with him.
My first pg, my DH really struggled with this. we had some big conflicts and ALOT of tears from me. by now (3rd pg) my DH is 'used ' to it. he knows that it isn't because of him, that it is just the hormones doing stupid things. he is realistic in accepting that while I am pg sex will be few and far between.
On my part, I have tried to be more intimate in other ways. And if there is even the slightest inkling that sex isn't completely out of the question (ie, the thought of it doesn't make you want to hurl) - I jump at it, even if i'm not actually 'in the mood' (sometimes I have to warn him to be quick, before the mood passes). Even then it can be a month or two between DTD.
Also if you don't mind 'other' pursuits, there are other things you can do which don't actually involve sex. Personally if I am turned of sex, that means everything - but if not there are other ways to have fun - IYKWIM.
Yikes! Hugs to you all. I guess I am lucky. My situation is reversed, my husband doesn't want it b/c he is afraid he will hurt me or the baby. Even after we spoke with the obgyn who said it is ok, he wants to wait.
My DH and I haven't DTD since i got PG (3 months ago)!!! For a variety of reasons I guess - tired and a bit sick and SCARED of causing spotting or bleeding! My sense of smell and DH's eating habits don't help put me in the mood either I have promised DH that the second semester will see a resumtion of "relations" so he's counting down! Thats officially Thursday - so guess my time is up! I am lucky tho that he hasn't put any pressure on me at all.
I can't tell you how relieved I am to have come across this thread and know that it's not just me. Since I got pregnant I have next to no interest in sex (except for the occasional saucy dream, but I can't convert that to my waking hours ).
I've had sciatica from very early on, which has been a real physical deterrent, but even when it isn't acting up I have very little desire. My poor DH is so understanding, but I can't help but feel guilty... I try and make the effort once a week or so and if I really can't I will try and help in out with my hand. But, when we do DTD I find that it is quite uncomfortable initially and just doesn't feel the way it used to. Don't get me wrong I still end up coming and stuff, but it is just not the same... I really hope this changes after the baby comes
Krisp- Just wanted to let you know you are NOT alone i could have written yours post back in October. My marriage got so bad because of the same issues that DH even went as far as to tell me he didnt think he loved me anymore as i all i ever gave him was rejection. He felt like i treated him like a brother not a husband etc and all we had in common were the children etc. TBH i dont know how to fix these issues but since our big blow up/s I know i have been trying as has he. I told him things that would make me "want" to do it more such as more help around the house, more "me" time for going to the gym, having my hair done, more help around the house etc etc. Although i didnt feel like i had a problem i was just not interested iykwim looking back i think i just need some attention in a different way if that makes sense. Even if the attention was from my self i needed to take some time out to figure out who I was again. We have children virtually the same ages so i know how demanding it can be and its so hard to lose yourself amongst all the mothering and housekeeping. For me i still i have a low sex drive BUT by taking time to put me first every now and then and having DH helping me with day to day things i can certainly say things are on the up. One of my biggest probs b4 was that i felt DH only wanted me for sex sounds silly but like you say every cuddle, kiss or anything remotely close to intimate caused for his hands to wander and me to reject when realisticly i wanted the cuddle the kiss etc just not the expectation that sex must follow.
SOrry if i have rambled a bit but feel free to PM me if you want some one to chat with. It sounds like we have a bit in common
Hoody
I'm not that far long too, and i just haven't wanted anything to do with sex since day 1.
I don't have kids to take care of, i don't work, i stay at home all day and just keep the house clean and do my own thing. But i still just don't want anything to do with it.
Dp hasn't really shown an interest in it either.
So i guess in a way i'm lucky, i don't have a partner nagging me for sex.
But yeah, don't want it now or anytime soon
I have the reverse problem. I am interested, but he isnt. Its EXTREMELY tough. When I am pg, I get HG so I am sick, exhausted and he tends to think that makes me fragile too.
When I am not pg - I am annoyingly fertile and could end up UTD making me sick, exhausted and extremely fragile. I can't take the pill because it makes me sick too. So his solution - just don't do it. Trust me to go and get UTD easy and prove him right. Ugh.
Thankfully for DH, I am more about the intimacy than the act. We havent dont it since the time we did it that got me pg, so thats saying something. First tri I was indifferent, now I am more keen, but getting stonewalled. I do try not to push because I know that he is worried for me and that doesnt help him get in the mood at all - but its very sweet and i cant help but appreciate it.
What helps though is those little things he does that show his love. Cuddles for no reason. Gifts of food every time he shops. Stroking my hair in bed. Not sure if it will help you guys, but here is hoping.
Normally ? I have a very very high sex drive and DP doesn?t want it nearly as much as me. He is more than happy with once or twice a week But since being pregnant it is like role reversal! I cant think of anything worse! And he is like a sex starved maniac! He loves the way that my body has changed (and that he did it! Lol) and it turns him on! Which is great for my confidence on my days when I feel like a blob, which is about every second one at the moment!
My Advice is just talk about it. We are very open and have talked about it quite a great deal. He knows where I am coming from and I know where he is coming from. It doesn?t really help the situation but it makes it much easier to deal with because there is no animosity between us about it. DP knows that I will instigate it when I am ready, and we are still intimate ? just not sexually. We still cuddle all the time and he rubs moisturizer on my belly every night so we still have that contact. He has even got quite inventive about doing things to relax me and hopefully get me in the mood! Some nights while I am showering he will light a dozen candels in our room and we lay in bed cuddling listening to a CD, or he will surprise me with a full body massage ? no strings attached. Yet sometimes these are just the things I need to make me interested! It?s a bit hit and miss but he gets it and luckily doesn?t push.
My biggest issue is I think ? I have very low blood pressure, and it makes me really tired along with shocking headaches, in addition to almost constant thrush.
But I am praying like mad that it comes back with the baby and everything goes back to normal ? except of course DP?s new obsession with sex!
I've tried talking to him, I've tried to get to understand that it's not that I don't love him I just need some space. Plus I've got some serious body issues I need to sort out. I breast fed both my cherubs from one side due to breast cancer and now I have very very different breasts. One is a completely different shape and size and I feel like a bit of a freak so I hate him to see me naked. I'm sorry to unload all this but I haven't talked about it before so it's kinda all gushing out...
krisp - maybe you need to seek counselling for you in regard to the body issues - not sure if you've done it before, but i get the feeling that you unloading in here is the first time you've "fessed up" what you're feeling. it's not great to have body issues (i'm a big person, and i have some serious body issues - hate anyone seeing me in anything LESS than full attire - even DH most of the time) - i have had counselling about a lot of other stuff, and we dealt with this as well
as my DH is always saying to me - he's not attracted to a particular part of me - he's attracted to ME as a whole - personality is what started it (i swore at him first time i met him!) and my body is simply a part of me - he finds the whole package attractive - your DH is probably very much the same, and doesn't have any hang ups about your body - but because you do, it makes sense that it is impacting your relationship.
i really hope you can find a way to work around this and maybe come to some sort of "happy medium" where both of you are happy - it would be horrible for a relationship to breakdown over lack of intimacy if that is the only issue you have kwim?
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But since being pregnant it is like role reversal! I cant think of anything worse! And he is like a sex starved maniac! He loves the way that my body has changed (and that he did it! Lol) and it turns him on! Which is great for my confidence on my days when I feel like a blob, which is about every second one at the moment! 
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