Gender Disappointment?

[Lil_Aussie]

oneofeach -
I can truley sympathise with you hun,,, I have 4 boys, my yongest only a week and a half old,,, and I also felt completely crushed when told at the ultrasounds that they were all boys,,,, as i lost my only precious daughter at 30 weeks gestation with no cause.
I thought i could never love my boys the way they deserved either,, and greived for a long time,,,,, but you eventually realise that this little person deserves every ounce of love and caring that you can possible muster,,,, You love your daughter incredibly,,, but once you see this little baby in your arms for the first time,,, all those barriers of greif and hurt you are freeling will just melt away.
I love all my boys with every ounce of my soul,, and even though i would have loved a girl,, i dont feel any regret about having any one of my children. As the other girls said,,,, boys bring daughter in laws into your life,, and then there is always he opportunity that you will become a grandmother to lost of beautiful grandaughters to spoil lol
HTH
Lil

[oneofeach]

Hi ladies

Just got back from my first session with my psychologist since getting 'the news' and thought I'd share something she said to me. It might be of a little help to those currently expecting a boy when they had hoped for a girl (or vice versa).

I shared with her my terror that I won't be able to bond with this baby, that I will resent him for not being the girl I had so wanted and that I won't be able to love him the way I do my DD. I am most terrified that he will in some way pick up on my feelings; and I couldn't live with myself if my own child ever felt unwanted, unloved or a disappointment to me.

What she said to me was that when people are able to admit to how they are feeling, when they are able to openly talk about exactly how they feel without inhibition and able to openly grieve the loss and disappointment they are feeling, this is when they have the best chance of recovering and healing from it. She said that because I found out early and now have this time before the baby comes to really go through the grief process it is very unlikely that I will pass on any negative feelings to my son. It's people who suppress these feelings (out of guilt, shame, fear of persecution and judgment) that have the most problems. It is normally their children who will end up picking up on their unresolved feelings. Because that's the thing - it you don't acknowledge there is a problem and actively do something to help yourself, it will never go away.

At the moment I am still terrified about bonding with this child as I feel so unconnected with him still. But her words gave me hope that given time to grieve and give expression to all my feelings I may be able to get past this.

Anyway, hope that's of some small hope/help to someone else.

[alioops]

I will always find out the sex at ultrasound because when I had Sarah I was desprateley hoping for a boy and finding out at u/s gave me time to get over the disappointment and really bond with her. Again we are hoping for a boy but we will find out in 3 weeks so fingers crossed will let u know what i find out. took me about 3 weeks to get used to the idea of having a girl first time.

[Goodtotalk]

Hi, it is great to have found this forum and talk about an issue I feel I just have to bury and get on with...it is not really accepted to be as hung up on the gender of the baby as I feel right now!
I am pregnant at the moment with baby number three, I have two dear little girls. Every time I have been pregnant all I wanted was a little boy, I long to have a son. This will be my last pregnancy as I know four would be too much for me.
At times I have felt so angry that the gender of this baby is out of my control and I am so worried that should the baby be another girl I will resent her and wonder why on earth I went for a third. I know I always wanted three, and I know the saying, have a baby because you want a baby not because of gender (I said that too!) but I did not realise how overpowering the desire for a boy would be once I was pregnant.
I just don't know what to do...it is all I think about though I try to keep busy. Sometimes (and heres the really crazy bit) I wonder whether to continue the pregnancy as I feel it would not be fair on the child to have such a biased mother.
Is there anyone out there who felt sick of the thought of having the baby of the undesired gender? So many feelings, fear, disappointment in self, so envious of those who get to experience raising boys and girls.
I know I came to terms with having my girls (and did eventually fall for them) but this is my last...how do I come to terms with never having a son if this baby is not one?
I have seen a counsellor who pointed out lots of nice things about girls and helped me understand my feelings. I realise that it is simply my desire to experience being a Mum to a little boy.
This is rather long winded-thank you for listening!

[ttcno2]

Hi goodtotalk

well, as you can see, you're definitely not alone.
will you find out the gender before you have the baby?
i guess you've been through this before, so you know how it goes....you've coped with the disappointment and grief so you will cope with it again (if it works out that way of course)...i know it will be a bit different because it is your last, but probably not as different as you think. you will fall in love with your third daughter and one day you will forget that you felt so strongly about having a boy
maybe think back to how you coped last time and think about what helped - and do those things again.
keep seeing your counsellor and keep talking..
hugs to you, its hard

[Goodtotalk]

Hi ttcno2,

Thank you for your response, it really is helpful to feel heard and understood...and also reassured I will get through this if I don't have the little boy I am hoping for.
Yesterday I had some symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy so was sent along for a scan, thank God it was in the right place, I am not sure I could have coped with losing the pregnancy, the guilt I would have felt, surgery, the wonder of do you try again for a baby given my reaction this time around etc. So I am at least now sure terminating the pregnancy would not be a good idea.
Its great to have this forum and the people listening and supporting you-thank you.
To answer your question, yes, I will find out the gender of baby this time. The last two times I didn't and many said that would be better as I would fall for baby once I saw them anyway. It is a nice idea but for me It took me a month or two to connect with Samantha (even then tinged with some sadness that she was not a boy) so I feel I need to be prepared this time. My husband does not want to find out so will have to get around that. He is pretty disappointed in me that I am so focused on the sex of baby but guess he will have to understand that this is something I will need to know for my own sanity and preparation.

[Tanya]

Goodtotalk, I hope you get your boy, I wouldn't wish the way I have been feeling upon any impending mother. I think it would be a good idea for you to find out the gender before birth, then you can get your head around any disappointment that you may feel if you are expecting DD#3. I read recently that a lady didn't find out the gender of her DC and when he was born she was so disappointed she couldn't focus on the joy of a new baby... she missed the initial moments I guess.

GL
Tanya

[Goodtotalk]

Thanks for the emails. Tanya, thanks for wishing me a little boy...it would be a dream come true and I am praying for it. We will wait and see. I guess I am often just presuming its not a boy just to help prepare. Is that what alot of people do I wonder? Tanya, you mentioned you would not wish how you were feeling on any expectant mother, how are you now and can you tell me your story? I really hope you are feeling a bit better. I know how up and down the feelings can be.

Caro, must be both and excitng and challenging time. You have a daughter and expecting a little boy is that right? I wish you all the very very best and I am sure your reaction to your child will be positive. Be gentle on yourself, even if it takes a while to warm up to baby remember that can happen even in situations where gender is not the issue for parents. We are only human and as this forum shows, this emotion is experienced by many of us.

Well, today I have only been despondent. Much better than my usually totally anxious and occasioanally hysterical state. I imagine there may be a number of ups and downs to follow.I really appreciate having a listening and non judgemental ear. I think the hardest part is knowing there is something you desperately want (i.e the experience of being a Mum to a son) and the 50% possibility you may not get it. Makes you hold your breath somethimes, as in at times that reality just really grabs at you. Boy, the scan is something I can't wait for yet I also dread my reaction...I hope if is not the wee boy I am hoping for that I don't come crashing down again. Can i really prepare myself? Thanks again for listening and take care all of you out there facing the same struggle.

[Tanya]

Hi,
I've taken a little bit out of my journal for you to have a read of;

(16w)
Scan went really well, bub looks happy and healthy. I didn't want to seem to anxious to find out the gender so I waited until the sonographer said something so I could slip in a hint. So when she spoke of the bladder I asked if you could tell the gender at this stage, and she said, yes, but bub has it's leg tightly clamped together. So I'll have another look at the end of the scan.
Anyway she went over hte area a few times and I knew what i was looking at and said, "looks like a girl".
She sort of smiled and said, "it does look like it, but not totally sure, we'll have another look when you come back in a few weeks".

So looks like my intuition was right... I kept imagining hearing, "it's a boy", but I knew as soon as the scan started it wasn't to be Oh well.

When I got to the car I had a big cry, can't help it. I tried so hard, I feel like a failure. I know I am happy bub is healthy, but I feel a little disconnected, I know it'll change.

(16w1d)
I can't beleive how disappointed I am! I cried most of the night, and even now I have to fight back tears. Wato is happy bub is happy and heathy, and isn't really dissapointed at all... I guess Mum wanted a boy even more than Dad!

I am going to hate telling people that we are having another girl... I remember when some people first found out, they would laugh and say, "so are you going to have a boy this time? Geez, yu better". I feel humilated! I never hid the fact that I wanted a boy nor that i tried for a boy.

(16w3d)
I must say I am feeling really guilty about how I am feeling, I catch myself with my hand on my belly and I quickly remove it, I ignore any of bubs movements... I don't want to look pregnant anymore, and I don't want to be around people who might ask questions. I feel like running away and hiding! I am embarrassed and useless! I think if this goes on much longer I may be in serious trouble!! I just hope things change. Maybe I should go shopping!! LOL

I am doing a little better, but am still very disappointed that I will not have a son. I see mixed families and wonder why I can't have just one boy. I am constantly punishing myself for not having a boy... what if, what if, what if. I am now beginning to believe that I just can not carry boys.

Anyway, GL
Tanya

[Goodtotalk]

Dear Tanya,

Thanks for filling me in on your situation. You know, even not knowing exactly what i am having yet I feel just like you-feel I don't want to see anyone, am avoiding social occasions, don't want people to talk about my pregnancy...especially the hope its a boy bit. That comment stings like nothing else. I also understand how you can want to ignore baby moving. You just feel so angry at the situation and so disappointed that what you dreamed might be was not to be this time.

I noticed the names of your family-they are beautiful, especially the name Violet, it is a lovely old fashioned strong name. Just thought I would mention that-you have given your girls a lovely start with those names!

I know what you mean about feeling like a failure by not having a boy...this is the same emotion I talked about with my counsellor when exploring why's of wanting a boy. She pointed out that it truly is 50 50 every time so there's nothing clever or personal in it. She also told me she never wanted girls, really enjoyed boys. Wound up with three girls! I asked her how she felt by the third and she said "resigned to it". She is about 60 now and said she now feels very good about it, she has grandsons, son in laws and is very close to her girls. She encouraged me to look at the long term picture and the women I would send off into the world and what their roles would be and how the family would change with time. I hope this helps a little.

You are not going crazy by the way. You are dealing with your new baby in the best way you can. I sense you feel you are feeling really overpowered by your emotions at times. Boy, do i know that one. I was in the shower sobbing my heart out just yesterday, it felt like emotional and physical pain it is so hard to deal with. I suspect though I feel I am getting prepared I may still be in for a really scary fall come scan time. What keeps me going is that if i do not have a boy I know that time is an enormous healer and that while I may always wish i had a son, the intensity of that feeling will fade. I have a friend with three girls and she said that even last year she was really envious of those who had boys but she is now at a point that its not so hard anymore. Her youngest is three next week.

Tanya, lots of love and hugs to you. I will be thinking of you and hoping you start to have more good days than bad. I am also sure that baby is going to be absolutely gorgeous. Keep me posted, I would love to hear how you are going on your journey.

[TeganRheana]

I do find it bizarre how different people can want a different sex for different reasons as in I am having a boy and have GD And yet I read others who are having a girl and are sooooo dissapointed

Ditto. I couldnt think of anything I would want more than to have a little girl. We are having our second son. I am very happy that he is healthy etc, but I think there will always be a part of me that is going to yearn for a little girl. This will be our last baby and I think that is what makes it feel even worse, but I do know that although we could try for another baby..the chances of us having another boy outweigh the chances of having a girl by enough for me to say that we wont be trying again. I am going to love this baby with all my heart and bring my sons up to be the type of men all us girls want! That keeps me going!

[LisaL]

HI ladies, Ive just been reading your stories and want to send you all some hugs and an extra special one to Tanya.

Lisa

[ttcno2]

i guess its hard for all of us to read this thread: maybe they need separate ones like:
has a boy, having another boy and wants a girl
has a boy, having a girl and wants another boy
has a girl, having another girl and wants a boy
etc LOL!!!
Because for example for caro: while I am really really sorry that you are going through so much pain caro, my "mind" just can't understand how you could be having a boy and girl and not be happy about this...please dont take that as a criticism, its not rational, but im just so jealous that you get to have a girl and i dont, that i just dont get it. my mean jealous thoughts say that i just "know" you will love your boy so much and be so glad that you have got to raise one, whereas I will never stop wishing for a girl...even tho i know i will love my next boy. but thats just me seeing life through my own little selfish window of sadness.....(pls dont be offended!)
anyway, heres hoping that we all just can get over this as soon as possible, and forget about it as soon as we get to know our little ones.
incidentally, i keep looking in here hoping i will see a post from people who have experienced gender disappointment (and specifically in my case, having been disappointed about having never had a girl) and who say that it goes away and that you forget to care/worry about it after a while. i think that is probably unrealistic given this is a preg forum and everyone who writes in here will be in the throes of it, not getting over it....

[Goodtotalk]

I know what you mean! I would really like to hear from people who have had their baby and how they are coping with GD feelings, do the feelings fade and the jealousy ease up a little. I don't know what baby number three is yet but am (and I will be very honest here) dreading the thought of it not being a boy...I know if it is not that I will feel so short changed that the boy I want for this family will never be, and I am so scared these mean feelings of envying those who get to experience both genders won't go away. I feel like it is something I might always grieve and be overly sensitive about. Everytime i hear of someone having a boy it stings! (BTW I know this is a bit silly because I don''t know what gender of baby is yet). Having a boy is something I want to experience so much and I am finding it pretty darn consuming. Oh I do pray this wee one is a boy. Sometimes I won't let myself think about it being a boy too much because I feel I can't dare hope. If I had known how strong these feelings would be once pregnant I am not entirely sure I would have gone for a third...poor baby, sometimes I think its mother needs a head check!
You know we go onto this forum to not only feel understood and not alone, but to seek some advice and answers. Certainly for me I know I am not much help at advising...too caught up in my own struggle and haven't yet fully gone throgh the whole experience. But to hear from some folk who have gone through more of the process and how you are feeling now baby is here, what feelings have resolved, what feelings remain, that would be great to read. Thanks again for listening.

[BellyBelly]