Male looking for help/advice

[Gage]

Raven - lol at making a move. That's one thing that has made me feel rejected, I usually massage DF's back everynight when we go to bed, but the moment I go to 'make a move' DF tightens up, shrugs me off and moves away. I think that's the part that's been hurting me the most.

[Zennie]

just thought Id mention that since becoming PG , i have felt more emotionally needy and that when im feeling emotionally up we tend to DTD more often.

a few things that get me down are

* lack of conversation/ time( im at home ATM and DP works so really look foward to the adult interaction)

* lack of comfort from DP. Sometimes its not what your saying but what your doing about it. i constantly tell him that sex is the last thing on my mind. when i feel huge un co and ache. but he dosnt do anything about it KWIM.

* Also timeing is a big issue. she may feel like DTD but not when you do or while your out.

Maybe communicating about what makes you each feel good and finding a medium. We did. instead of DTD becasue of being un co we found alternatives.

[Je$$_84]

Well i posted a thread from the other point of view around the early second trimester.. My DP being horney as a dog on heat... It wasnt until i had some great replies that i myself realised that although i wasnt feeling in the mood my DP was...

I guess for me with all the Morning sickness then the tiredness, aches, pains, having a toddler, yeah it was the last thing i was thinking bout and honestly that was the problem i NEVER thought about it...

The wonderful replies i got helped me understand that Men, unlike women, do need sex. I was thinking it was just DP wanting SEX but what i hadnt realised was it was also his way of showing affection to me. My DP was very open to my suggestions, but as its not her asking for help i guess the only advice i can give you is what i told my DP...

With him always asking it was making me feel bad for not feeling like it, after all i couldnt help having no labido... I suggested maybe helping get things done early so we could get to the bedroom earlier, suggested a nice back rub- without the intention of sex after just to possibly get me in the mood, maybe run a nice bath so i could relax, cook dinner, try a little romance to see if it would work up to feeling like it.

I'd also suggest instead of asking all the time maybe try talking and telling her your feeling rejected and UNLOVED??? this hurt me when DP said it was like now i'm preg i didnt need him or want him!!! SO not true.. so maybe get her to see how your feeling emotionally not making it all about "the sex" itself... some of the ladies suggested a few more things i could do instead of "SEX" IUKWIM??? but i dont think it would be a good idea to suggest them your self. If my DP suggested other things to well um.... help his needs i'd have punched him... hehehe

Good luck and hopefully things work out...

[Gage]

Jess - Thankyou for your reply. DF visits this forum from time to time, and after your post I really hope she stumbles across my Thread and reads your reply. Everything you have just said makes perfect sense to me, and I personally think that if DF was to see or hear if from another female, she may actually realise the emotion pain it is causing me, and it's not just the 'sex' I'm wanting.

[Amie]

Hi and congratulations on your pg!

I don't know you DF but if she is anything like me then the mere feeling of being pressured to DTD when I'm not up for it turns me off like a tap. I

Yep, I have to agree wholeheartedly with that. And further to that, anything that even might turn into DTD can feel like pressure ie. your suggestion of having a shower together. Which, by the way, is lovely but if your DF is somewhat "allergic" (not literally of course, YKWIM) to DTD at the moment in her mind she'll be racing 10 steps ahead. For example," a shower means being naked. In a small space. There'll be touching. Naked touching. And at least some kissing. He's sure to get aroused. And then he'll want to DTD and I'll have to say no!" So for her the easiest way might be to just avoid all situations where she has to decline/put a stop to anything intimate.

See, your DF knows that you want to DTD. She's not oblivious. And she also knows that she doesn't want to. So it's on her mind more than you might think. And it's also probably making her feel worse than you might think. I'm sure that she feels bad sometimes (maybe every time) she says no.

As the other posters have said, it can really be as simple as she just doesn't feel like it. At all. Hormones have funny effects on us! I've had similar experiences (never been pg, just out-of-whack hormones) and the best thing for me was to talk to my DP about it all. Now, if he had said "why don't you want to DTD?!" I probably would have gotten upset and defensive. But as it was, he came to me and said "this is how I'm feeling and I don't want you to feel bad, I just want us to talk about it".

Sorry for the ramble! HTH

PS: personally, I don't think it's such a good idea to bring it up with the MW without having talked to your DF first; she (DF) is no doubt sensitive about it anyway and might feel embarrassed/ambushed/angry if it comes up as a surprise topic with the MW.

[Je$$_84]

Hi Gage,
For me i posted a thread more to complain about DP's naging and wanting it ALL THE TIME... lol but ended up with a totally different perspective... My DP just needed to feel like i still wanted him around... I realised that while TTC i was the horn bag and it was frustrating for him - more like a job not enjoying it really... It was pressure for him (and myself also) When i started reading replies from people about what to suggest and what he may be feeling it was like a light switching on in my dumb womanly brain... lol

I never even began to imagine what he was going through... For my DP it was like you were saying- feeling like he was pushed aside, feeling unloved and also he told me it was like losing a friend... He said he was feeling like we were just room mates- no physical interaction, no love maybe a small peck hello and goodbye... Since then we've talked quite a bit about when were both feeling- he understands my side and now i understand his... Now he gives me space when i need it but also its in my head to think about his emotional need (that require physical emotional interaction) Now my DP is happy with once a week (sometimes i surprise him and it happens more) but at least its something, it may not be SEX but it could be the smaller little things a quick shower and even touching and kissing lets him know i still love him and still want him there. I;m sure that something would be better then absolutly nothing.

I really hope your DW understands your emotions- i think you sould be applauded for having the courage to come into a forum like this... My DP surley wouldnt have... like i said it may take a while for her to come round- preg is touch physically, emotionally etc but we often forget about the other person who made it possible to be carrying the child...

Maybe a nice chat, nothing to comfronting, just maybe tell her exactly how lost and empty your feeling, how your longing for some interaction from her, how your feeling neglected and pushed aside. Maybe even ask her if you've done something to make her feel like she is... There could bee something she's concerned about- feeling unsexy maybe??? reassure her of your feelings for her it could be that she feels turned off because shes insecure about whats happening or the changes to her body etc... I know it may not instantly solve the problem but maybe focusing on making her feel good and expressing your feelings openly (again not focusing on the need for SEX) maybe this may help her want to be more inimate...

Again good luck

[Gage]

SJH - Thanks for your reply, I hadn't actually thought of the 'breakdown' process as you explained it (shower, touching, nakedness), so I'll certainly take that into account if/when I run something like that past DF.

Jess - You know, everything you've said, is a carbon copy of what myself and DF have been through. Whilst TTC she was just a 'horn bag' as I was, so that was certainly happy days. Now with the 'drought' DF has only heard my point of view from me, not another male, nor my point of view from another female. I'll be making sure that when I do speak to her next about it, I'll go through all and every emotion I'm experiencing, and hopefully DF may be able to see part of my side. Honestly I wouldn't be worried if we still didn't DTD, but just so long as she knows exactly how I'm feeling, and tries to comfort me as much as I comfort her.
Thanks again.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Gage, I feel a great connection with SJH's post!
With DP, everytime he touches me, I know it's because he wants it to end up as sex. He knows that I don't often want it to end up as sex yet he always takes it there, because he thinks he's convinced me that I want it after all. I'm not dead against it, I'd just sometimes rather conserve my energies and snuggle. I don't know if this is the case with you, I know that DP has admitted it to me - the hoping to change my mind bit.
So, yes, in just you explaining about the shower or massage has made me want to curl up into a ball, just thinking of the chain of events!
I'm breastfeeding, so I expend a lot of nurturing energy during the day AND night. I call it 'putting out'. When DP wants me to roll over after DS has fallen asleep, I just want to snuggle into my little boy, with my DP snuggling my back so that I feel looked after. Next thing I know...hello!! So then I put out on both sides of the bed, so to speak. It's tiring. So, I am not being a doomsayer, just warning you that it could continue after the baby is born, depending on which way her hormones sway. Also, I very much agree with Rosehannah that if you can start showing NOW that you can demonstrate your love for her in lateral ways, she might muster up some mojo on her end of things. My DP is very sporadic in his house cleaning efforts, so that mostly it's me doing everything, with him putting in a big burst of energy every once in a while (sorry, it doesn't buy him enough brownie points when I'm red in the face from asking before some help is rendered!!). By the time we're DTD, it feels like I'm putting out on 3 levels. It's no wonder that I'm seriously behind in my studies! But more about me (hee, hee!)...
I realise that guys equate love with sex and to suggest that your DF's way to reinforce that she loves you would be to DTD could severely backfire. When it merely sniffs of an 'if you loved me you would DTD', it becomes a transaction. It is also emotional blackmail and is not very compromising. Please don't discount the power that hormones have to switch off her mojo - the mind can be very, very willing on one level, and on another very, very unwilling. Two competing states of mind to host at one time...it's not fun! Sex should never be granted out of guilt. I have and I end up feeling tired, and hollow - no-one wants to feel like a vessel and pregnancy (and to a lesser extent, post-birth) is the perfect time to feel like one!
I think it's important to impress upon you fellas that this is so, so common. None of you guys ever admit among yourselves to not getting any, though, so you dont' realise how common it is. It's not a rejection of you, it's a rejection of sex.
I am privy to the way you guys work, I'm in a fire brigade. DP tells me how a couple of the fellas talk about DTD all the time. Eg "x says their sex life is pretty good", or x says "can't complain, she's pretty good about it". Then I get together with the girls, who don't know that I've heard these things, and x's wife blows his cover! Even if he IS getting the sex, she's doing it out of a sense of duty, because she feels like me - like she's putting out all over the place! So, x insists everything is hunky dory and his wife tells me she has to slap him away and she feels guilty.
Like the others have said, communication and consideration will get you far. And mentioning to the MW without talking about it first will lose you so many brownie points!
In a nutshell - it is very, very normal for her to not want to DTD and it has very little to do with her feelings of love for you (she probably feels that she is carrying the ultimate symbol of her love for you).
I hear your pain, I feel hers

[SunnyRain]

If she's anything like me, she probably feels really guilty for not having a desire for sex. It's good to know that I'm not alone by reading this thread, but it doesn't help solve the problem.

One thing that my husband and I did was to go away for a weekend. We didn't go anywhere fancy, just to a farm house which was so quiet and far away from everything and everyone we knew, with no TV or mobile phone reception.

Once we were there I told my husband I'd like to just get down under the bed covers and cuddle. I told him I needed tenderness and love rather than 'throw me against the wall' sex. We just enjoyed each other and we had a lovely time, and he was very pleased with the outcome

Your situation is a tough one, because she doesn't seem to want any closeness, but don't take it the wrong way. Just remember, she is probably riddled with guilt and that's not helping her at all. Anything you can do to make her feel less guilty would be very positive for your relationship.

Consider taking her away somewhere quiet and relaxing, but don't carry any expectations with you. If you do go away, stop by the Body Shop before you go and buy some body scrubs and other things that you could pamper her with. Try some things that will help you connect with her physically but that don't automatically = sex.

[NaeNae]

Heya Gage,

Great name BTW!

I am sure I am not going to offer anything new to this thread, but if its any consolation I haven't felt much like DTD at all during this pregnancy. My poor DH also feels the same way you do. He also knows I am feeling a bit out of sorts with my body etc. I use to be a dancer and was trim, taught and terrific but now have these god aweful stretch marks, I have blown up early etc

DH has started doing nice things for me like rubbing the bio oil into my back, butt, belly etc etc which doesn't do anything to get me in the mood but seeing him appreciate my body in this way without wanting anything in return is really sweet. And through this I know that he is appreciating all the changes that are happening with my body and can appreciate why I am feeling so yuk about my appearence. Seems like a silly thing to him because he loves me no matter what I look like but women like to feel good and when we feel good you know

We have spoken to out GP about sex and know that its ok to DTD but it doesn't help the way i feel.

Besides - this pregancy stuff is totally exhausting just remeber that Bub is sucking everything out of her literally to grow and develop into a healthy baby. She is probably up a few times a night, heartburn, food preferences etc all of which can be very draining.

It is hard for Dh or partners etc and you're only human so its natural to feel a bit left out and unloved etc just give it time and do nice things like rub her back or help her moisturise areas etc without it leading to anything, and when she is feeling ready she will come round.

Just be patient, it is easier said then done but remember you're not the only one not getting any - she isn't either so she is also going through the lack of physical contact + everything else .... which is alot.

Nae x

[Je$$_84]

Just wanted to check back in and see how things were going with you and your DW. Really hope that you had a chance to talk with her about you feelings and emotions- i think alot of men leave the emotional feelings out of conversations with their partners.

TMI*** but my GP suggested at about 20 weeks to avoid perenial tearing during labour that a nice massage of the area every night with some cream or oil can help stretch the area a little and soften it up. of course when you get a huge belly its hard to see down there let alone massage it, so maybe this could be a job for you???

Also Dont want to rub it in but maybe it may give you something to look forward to... As this is the last 5 weeks of our preg journey (this time round) my GP suggested yesterday we actually try DTD as much as possible to try and give things a kick start . Well My DP saw this a s a HUGE GREEN LIGHT... Ever since he has been telling me The doc said if you want to hurry things up we have to do it... Think next time i'll see the GP alone... HEHEHE

Well hoping thinga are sorting them selves out if not you can always look forward to the end when she'll want your help to kick things off...

[sammy2149]

Kitt3n - Shorty - Hiya, ya, but not getting it all, that's my concern. Am I bein selfish for wanting it, or is DF bein selfish for not seeing my point of view?

i dont mean to sound harsh -


I think in a way you are being selfish - Have you stopped to even think about how she actually feels down stairs - some females love sex while pregnant while others, they wont have sex until after bubs is born- when she is ready she will come to you... Everything changes down stairs, that includes the sensitivity... another reason she may not want it is probably the fear of hurting the baby (we all know that this is untrue if she's low risk) - when having sex to it may be sooooooooooooo painful for her as well -
be patient with her - being pregnant has its down sides -

my partner has never winged as he understands whats going on, maybe if you sit and make her a nice dinner, give her a foot rub, run her a bath, even a massage - but do not insinuate sex or foreplay, she may think ur touching her just for sex, it takes the pressure of her to (which can be another problem).

hope all works out, but try and pamper her and let her see your not interested which it will help relax her.

[Gage]

NaeNae - Thanks for the positive thoughts, it's always re-assuring to hear that I'm not the only guy out there that feels like this, it does make me look at it in a different way, so thanks for that. Also thanks for the 'name' comment, I actually wanted to use 'Gage' as a boy name or 'Gauge' as a girl name, but DF doesn't agree lol

Jess - Hiya, thanks for checkin in on me. Things have been progressing well. We talked about it the other night, and by the looks of things, everything is going to be good. I wont go into details, but there is a happy medium for the both of us w/out having to actually DTD

Sammy - I've taken time to think about all aspects of DF, including how she's feeling 'downstairs'. My exact issue wasn't the fact of not just getting sex, it was the issue of not having any closeness what-so-ever. No wanting to cuddle or snuggle in bed, no closeness at all, that's what was affecting me the most, the lack of total closeness between the two of us.

[Je$$_84]

I wont go into details, but there is a happy medium for the both of us w/out having to actually DTD

Great to hear things are working out for you both... I really hope that you both continue talking bout what each of you are going through. It makes a HUGE difference when you both understand the othere point of view.

Good luck for the futer and with the rest of the preg...

BTW- Gage would be a great boys name!!!

[Gage]

Jess - Thanks for that hun, I always prefer to have a smile on my face. If I give you DF's details can yo utell her you also think Gage is a great boys name!!!...Hahahahaha j/k Thanks again

[PenStealingPoltergeist]

Hi Gage - I just wanted to say from my perspective, the more I feel presure to have sex the more I do not want it. Some women breeze through pregnancy, and others suffer alot. Imagine being presured to have sex when you feel like you are going to throw up, have heart burn, back pain, cramps, feel like you have the flu, and are so tired you feel like you have just run a marathon. Even if you only have a couple of symptons, it can be very hard to feel like sex. My feelings are -without trying to be too blunt, that spending sometime plesuring your self and concentrating on affection only without the sex for a few months, may really help your relationship. Just a thought.

[NaeNae]

sammy2149 - go easy on him! saying a guy is selfish because of a lack of intimacy (which does come in many different levels) is too harsh. His Dp has been going through a lot (she is in my due date group ) but there are two people invovled here not just his DP.

Women tend to be more selfish during their pregnancies then most of their DP or DH because we get so focused on ourselves and whats happening with our bodies and how we're feeling and what we want, its very easy to forget about how the other person in the relationship is feeling.

I am no angel and have been so very selfish in every aspect during the past 19 weeks it took someone saying the above to me to realise that without him, bub wouldn't even be here and that I should cut him some slack. Ever since we have had the best relationship its all give and take.


Trav - glad to hear you have chatted, she does seem to have a lot on her plate though from the sound of her last post, you have been doing a great job in supporting her so here is to you Keep up the good work it can't be easy for her especially with the murmer and the change in her shifts so now that i have finally pieced the puzzle together, I will suggest to you what I suggested to her, find some time, get yourselves booked into a massage, find a nice place to stay, dine out somewhere special and take some time out from 'Simon Says' and treat yourselves, you've both been through a lot and need some rest and relaxation and you never know just having a break from everything could be just what the dr ordered

ETA - I will not tell her to name bubba Gage because thats one of my names :P

[Smoke Jaguar]

Mmmm, I think it's probably more fair to say 'self-focussed' than 'selfish'. Women tend to internalise a lot when preggers, because there's so much change happening on the inside that you are embodying so much transition, even when it's not your first pregnancy. Just thinking of more useful ways to comprehend what's happening