in despair

[widdly]

Right, so DH and I have been seperated for 7 months now, and there have been countless ups and downs, mainly downs sadly.

The set up has been that because DH lives and works an hour away, he stays in the spare room at my house 3 days a week to be with DS. This has for the most part, worked quite well.

I started seeing a psych every week which helped me sort through my issues, but i got to the point where it felt useless going to the shrink without DH there, so DH agreed to come to an appokintment with me for relationship counselling. The session went well and we felt good afterwards. DH agreed to try harder to share my interests and put my wants as high as his own. Things we agreed on were:

I agreed that we dont have to have any more children (not happy with this tho)
He agreed to spend a night each weekend at home with me playing a board game
He agreed to take me to the Jimmy Barnes concert in August
He agreed to frequent the cinema with me

Okay, so a month down the track this is wahts happened

I am still clucky and hate the thought of never having another bub
We have not played a single board game
He isnt taking me to the concert cause he is working that night (tho he is chucking a sickie next weekend to make it to a birthday party he is looking forward to)
He hasn't come to the cinema with me

hmmmmmm, something isnt right here.

What am i doing???? I was on Facebook this arvo and a friend started chatting with me online. Her first sentence was:"I am confused, are you and DH together again or not?" I explained that we are working on things and she wrned me not to get hurt again and not to get back together for DS sake. This got me to thinking how things were really going with us. I dont think they are going very well

My first thought was that I should talk to the psych again, but really he doesnt help. He doesnt let me bring emotions into things, he is very matter of fact, very male i guess thing is, I am emotional, I should have my needs met, I am not happy wiht thinking like a male and just looking at the facts, the facts dont switch my emotions off unfortunately. And yeah DH makes promises to change and to do more 'me' things, but he hasnt delivered on anything. And you know, I havent talked to him about all of these feelings yet, cause I know what his response will be. "You should have just told me what you wanted me to do and I will do it" The things is, I dont want to have to force him to do things just cause he feels guilty about making me upset. I want him to want to do things i want to do sometimes.

I went to Phantom of The Opera with him a couple of months ago cause he adores it and I wanted to share his passion. It turns out I enjoyhed it much to our surprise. However he wont make an efort for me, he sayd he will, but he doesnt!

Oh gosh I dont know what I expect to gain from posting all this

[Amity]

I think you have reasonable expectations of XP and he is not conforming.

The question is, where are his priorities? He seems to be prioritising "him-things" over "you-things" or "us-things".

The real question is, who is putting into this "relationship" ? Seems a lot one-sided to me. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that Daddy walking all over Mummy is normal, or good?

I think you know in your heart that this is not going to work. He's getting what he wants and needs out of the relationship. Where do you get your wants and needs met? Certainly not by him.

On another note - If you don't like your psych, find another one. I usually find females work better for me, personally.

Just my opinion.

[widdly]

Oh Div, you have summed it up perfectly, but I am sitting here bawling knowing (yet again) that the writing is on the wall, I just keep having weak moments and being sucked back in. Why does it hurt me so much to break DH heart?? I am also wracked with guilt at breaking up Archie's family.

mistree, yeah, Ithnk I should try a different psych. If I were standing on the outside looking in I would tell myself to leave, and that one day I will find my Prince and have a happily ever after. But it is so goddarn hard when you love DH as a friend.

I feel like a battered wife, eventhough I have never been battered or even verbally battered! I keep running back through guilt. Please someone tell me how I can get past this

[Lulu]

EEWWWWW, I hate it when the writing on the wall starts blaring neon. You sort of can't get away from it, can't pretend you can't see it anymore. Yukko, I'm there too....

Why does it hurt me so much to break DH heart??

I'm not sure what you mean here - how will this be breaking DH's heart? (Did you mean DS?). The guy can't be arsed playing a round of scrabble with you, is making F all effort to repair the relationship (not even for Archies sake) - and since he is happy to chuck a sickie for his mates NOT YOU, it cannot be said the man is suffering depression.

Hun, its time to go get a manicure. Next time he is leaving your place, give him the finger and say F YOU. And smile sweetly cos I want you to mean it

You are carrying far too much guilt over this breakup - it's hard not to, especially if you were the one to leave, but you just have to keep remembering WHY you had to walk away.

xoxoxoo

[Inertia]

Widdly, firstly I think a saying I was told at the right time needs airing again.

"Kids would rather come from a broken home than live in one."

One thing you said resonated very very loudly with me...

I want him to want to do things i want to do sometimes.

I have said something similiar to my DH at times. Its not about doing it to make me happy - its about wanting to do it. Wanting to do something with me, who cares what it is. Hell, I go fishing because I want to go with you, I would like when I have the sudden urge to go window shopping or for a walk that its taken seriously - not done reluctantly much later to "keep me happy" because that just destroys the whole experience.

I just felt it was important for this little feeling to be validated. Many people may see it as petty or unreasonable - but its not. I am not asking for him to fall in love with random walking with no destination or reason - but I do want him to love spending time with me. If it was about being with me, then what we do shouldn't matter that much that it always has to be something he likes to do. If he liked to see me happy then he would want us to do stuff I like to do too. If it was about us, then it wouldnt be a problem...

My DH has since come around thankfully - still doesnt get that I don't like shopping alone, but he at least understands now that it isnt always just about him and when I say I would like to go out somewhere - I really NEED to get out of the house.

Its all very basic stuff. If your XP isn't getting it....

[fionas]

Boy, they're hard work sometimes aren't they but really, he's not keeping his end of the deal and that's pretty unforgivable - especially as the things in the deal were so simple. That was the good thing out of the counselling that you had - very easy things that DH needed to do. It's not like the counsellor gave him a list of stuff he couldn't get his head around. How hard is it for him to remember to play a board game and take you to Jimmy Barnes?

Sit him down, tell him he's not keeping his promises and see what he says. Because I think your version of "working on it" and his version of "working on it" are currently two different things.

And yep, don't feel guilty if you feel you have to leave the relationship. You can only give it your best shot and it sounds like you are but he isn't.

[organicem]

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I think I understand part of what you are going through.

I just realised today for myself that I need to stop feeling guilty and offering my friendship and respect to a man who does not appreciate or want it.

Its hard for me too, so hope it helps to know you are not alone.

We are women, capable of great things men can never achieve. Unfortunately it takes a rare man to appreciate how special we are.

You are a great mum and an awesomely strong woman to keep trying until now. I am not telling you to give up, you need to decide what you want. I found it helped to write down what I wanted and write down all the things I wanted to say. It let off a bit of steam so when i did talk about my needs and feelings they felt more ordered and I wasn't as emotional.

[widdly]

thanks so much for your support guys, am about to let DH read this thread x

[~Kim~]

wow sweetie
I don't really have anything to offer but support.
You have come so so far. I know you have inside exactly what you need to do this. The little guy deserves more respect too.

[satya]

If he's not willing to do these small things for you now I don't think there's a happy future ahead for you. It sounds to me like things have not changed at all & you will be spending the rest of your time with him exactly how it was before you broke up & that obviously happened because someone wasn't happy.

[littlelara]

Hey Widdly, the one thing I hope you remember is that you haven't asked for anything you wouldn't have done willingly yourself. Theres no reason you should have to decide anything today, though, take your time, but don't let someone else guilt you into staying any longer than you think you should. If keeping you and making you feel loved and special were high on his agenda... Well, he would have done whatever it takes.
What would you tell a friend?
You deserve joy, we all do.
Take care and good luck

[Footsteps]

no advice just huge hugs huni
rach xxx

[widdly]

thankyou guys.

I let him read the thread and he straight away got defensive, telling me that i blow things out of proportion.

We chatted about the changes he hasnt made yet. The concert I understand now that it really is impossible for him to go. The board games, he told me he was only thinking aboutthat the other day. That convo made me feel more positive about us. So what did I do. I told him how sorry I am for being so mental and taking my depression out on him and I thanked him for putting up with me, then i shagged him! Now I see how mental doing all that really is!! Gosh, somebody slap me!

An ad for foster carers was on telly just before, and I mentioned that I look forward to fostering one day, something I have often mentioned to him. He sadi dont be ridiculous, let someone else do it. Well, that says a lot about him doesnt it.....I think you girls need to give me an intervention!

Kim - thanks for you support, it is nice to hear from someone I have 'known' for a while x

On a positive note, the guys at church have been a wonderful support, knowing that I have them each Sunday really gets me through the week.

[Amity]

Consider yourself seriously slapped.

What he is doing is emotionally abusing you.

You know better than to put up with it.

It is not all about him.

You are worth so much more than he is giving you.

You and your son deserve better.

Pack his bags and kick him to the kerb.

[organicem]

Oh hunny.
My XH knows just how to make me feel guilty for his shortcomings too.
I really hope that you guys can work it out.
Have you read "The 5 Love Languages"?
i am not sure if it will help but have been reading it myself and hope to get XH to read it too and maybe it can shed some light on how we got 'here'.

[widdly]

Div - I packed my bags and moved away 7 months ago so that is done

organic - I have not read that particular book, but i have read a few books on love, marriage and realtionships, how male minds work and stuff.

[~Kim~]

Elissa!!!!
I work for a similar organisation remember - it's not that hard to swap a shift....especially this far in advance.
Thinking about spending some time playing games with you is not what the agreement was!!!!
The deal of being a partner is that HE helps you through sickness and health - NOT that you apologise for being unwell!!!!
Can you tell I'm cross!!!!
don't let him do what you don't want. Please?

[organicem]

Div - I packed my bags and moved away 7 months ago so that is done

organic - I have not read that particular book, but i have read a few books on love, marriage and realtionships, how male minds work and stuff.

This one doesn't deal with the differences between males and females which is why I like it. It deals with people in general.

After reading it I have empwered myself to give my XH as much love as humanley possible. The ultimate outcome is that he will feel full of love and start to reciprocate and the worst that could happen is that it is a waste of time.

Koorong stock the book (its not too religious though).