hi all,
i'm farely new to bb, mother to a beautiful baby boy Ashton Mark who's 2 months tomorrow, only just joined a couple of weeks ago and havent had the chance to actually sit down for longer than 20 minutes, but i'm here now and i really need a rant about my stupid XP...
its been a long bumpy ride for me since i fell pregnant, the XP was never any help, even before i was preggers, i dont know what i ever saw in him, now that i look back i cringe at how bad my judgement was when i met him, i think i must of had the love blinkers on.... he was alright for the first couple of months, then we started fighting over tiny little things, most of the time he would pick the fight and i would bite the bait in an instant(stupid temper!). i would ask him to do things a million times and then he would get all uppy because i was "whingeing"... and we all know that i wouldn't be "whingeing" at him so much if he just got off his lazy ass and did what he was supposed to!
oh and dont get me started on his fricken lazyness! to give you a bit of an idea, 4 jobs in 4 months...every one he was fired from because he didnt turn up for work... no call, no message, nothing... and then he would get cranky at me for asking him to get another job!!
meanwhile, as the petrol keeps dripping on the fire... little did we know, baby ashton mark is but an egg slowly growing and growing... i found out i was pregnant about 4 weeks in... my period was 2 weeks late and i didn't feel right... so i took a pregnancy test and low and behold, test is positive! oh joyous me wat a catastrophy!
my first thought was that i couldnt possibly have a baby this young! not married! a good christian girl like me! i was so scared, i told XP and he actually took it pretty well... he just asked me what i wanted to do, of course i told him i didn't know, i had no idea! the decision whether to terminate or keep the pregnancy was killing me, i so badly wanted to keep it, i was so excited at the prospect of having a baby, but on the other hand i was only 20, hadn't even found my own feet in life yet and already i'm growing some more! it took me almost 2 months to make up my mind, meanwhile the fighting still remained, and began to get worse, we even took a trip to the family planning centre about a termination, they suggested we go get an ultrasound... so we did... and that was it, we both looked at eachother and just knew we had to keep this little miracle, that was the first time in a long time me and XP were really happy... that lasted about a week... then the dramas started... oooh the dramas...
but that is for another post!
stay tuned, ill be back tomorrow to right some more!
I JUST WROTE A WHOLE PAGE OF MY NEXT CHAPTER AND THE STUPID COMPUTER ERASED IT!!!
i'm sorry i really have to swear profusely right about now...
**** THIS STUPID **** I HATE THIS ****IING COMPUTER ITS A PEICE OF ****!!
i'm also sorry but i'm not going to write it again so you'll have to wait until i post it again in a day or two... i'm too ****ed off to write anything but smut at the moment...
Ok now for the second instalment of... "duh duh duuuhhhh" mel's rant on how she got to where she is now... (which isn't a bad place after all)
ok wel after the ultrasound, me and XP were a bit frantic trying to decide whether to keep little tadpole or not... i really really wanted to but couldn't help but have these bad little thoughts in the back of my mind telling me that i was too young, not married, not ready... blah blah blah... i was tossing up between yay or nay for weeks, it was getting closer to the cut off date for a "termination" and i still wasn't completely decided, meanwhile XP was surprisingly ok with the prospect of being a father, but little did i know, he hadn't been to work for weeks... and was telling me that he was! that was all i needed, i went off at him, how dare he not go to work knowing he has a baby on the way! i could've throttled him! i almost did, but then all the promises, "i'll go to work", "don't worry i'll support you when the baby arrives" BLAH... BLAH... and stupid me believed him, again...
so yeah, the day i decided to keep li'l froggy was a pretty good day all up, XP and i were on our way back to my place from an outing with our mates and we finally came to a decision, WE'RE HAVING A BABY! i almost crashed the car i was so excited! we both kinda knew all along that we'd keep it but it wasn't in concrete until i said it... it was like a big crate of poop had been lifted off my shoulders, i was so happy, and XP ws ecstatic because it was the first time he'd seen me really "happy" in a while.
when we got back to my place, my sister was there n we told her, at first she jumped up and screamed at me n told me i was making the biggest mistake of my life... (of course now he's her favourite little nephew n reckons she loves him more than i do! hah!)
my sister and i had a big fight that afternoon but she eventually calmed down and got pretty excited about having a little baby around... as you do...
well that was that hurdle to get over, now for the mountain of telling my parents *sigh* i could've had a coronary there and then when i realised... but when i told them they too were surprisingly good about it... i told them i knew what i was getting myself into(no i didnt) and i could handle it (yeah right), of course at that stage i had a partner promising me and my family the world and that he would look after me and bubs... WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! for the next week or so it was ok, XP was working, was planning to move in and everything seemed to be going ok, and then it happened again, XP decided he didn't want to work anymore and stay home watching tv all day... what he didn't realise was that this b!tch was on a hormone hike and the volcano was about to erupt... oh boy did i scream! i was screaming so much his drunk father came staggering in n thought one of us was dying! (and yes you heard me, DRUNK father)
anywho, after all the yelling and screaming i dished out, i threatened to leave him, and of course he came running after me and told me not to go... so i didn't... again...
and then starts a new era of fights...
oh its easy! its become second nature to me to just cut off whenever i like! being pregnant i couldnt help it with the pregnant brain n all but now i just do it to irritate people! although... sometimes my pregnant brain comes back to haunt me and i forget what i'm doing or what i'm talking about!
but i'm doing it on here because it would take me hours to write the whole story in one go... and if i lost it i would be EXTREMELY cranky, just look at the last post i did before todays instalment and u'll get the picture, and that was only a few paragraphs!!
dont worry yourself too much ill write some more tomorrow or thursday!
thanking u cindyb!
yes i'm quite proud of my accomplishment i must say, i only make the cute ones!
yeah i'm a mother with a hig pitched sqeel and sarcasm coming out of my a$$... blame my father, bloody men!
Welcome! I fell preg at 17 and had DD at 18 so I know how hard it can be being a young mother, let alone a single young mother. About finding yourself; you will discover many things about yourself from being a mother. It changes you forever. I had no idea that I had the capacity to love someone as much as I love my daughter. Nothing and no one could EVER compare, nothing else really matters, whenever I feel awful I think of how lucky I am to have a beautiful, healthy daughter. Having her has given me a whole new perspective on what it means to me a human being, a woman, a mother. So don't worry about not knowing yourself yet! Your baby will not only help you discover who you are, he will fundamentally change who you are (for the better!).
my story.. (part 3) ...one of the worst days of my life
OK!
jumping straight into it, where was i in the last post...
ok got it, the day the REAL fights began...
ok so here i am, 4 months pregnant, getting up to go to work, all the while XP is still in bed & "apparently" going to work as well... i go into the bedroom about 4 times to get him up... no response... so i go about my duties in the morning, shower, hair n makeup, brekky, make lunch, pick outfit... so while i'm picking my outfit i tell XP i'm leaving in 5 minutes (we go to work together), 4 minutes later i'm putting my shoes on and out the door, XP jumps up, chucks his clothes on and runs out to the car... (i wish i could get ready that quick!!)
ok now we're in the car, and i can't quite remember but i think i hit my hand on the steering wheel or something similar, and let out an almighty F**K!! just so happens that XP is just getting in the car, so he thinks i'm screaming at him and starts whingeing and *****ing about my attitude... he didnt once stop to ask me why i was yelling, just assumed that it was at him... and WOULD NOT STOP, i asked him nicely, then in a stern voice, then i screamed at him to stop carrying on(yes i know i shouldnt have but i was pregnant and grumpy and soooo not a morning person), and because i raised my voice, "ding!" now the fight just HAS to be MY fault... he just would not shut up, he kept bringing old arguments into the current one and blaming me and my "attitude" for everything... well i'd just about had enough, i was in tears at this point, crying so hard i couldnt see where i was going, i stopped the car and screamed at him to get out, he wouldnt at first but after me practically pushing him out the door he eventually did and started walking, after i watched him walk down the road a bit, i have no idea why i did this but i drove up to him and told him to get in, i took him to his house (which was just up the road) so he could drive himself to work because i wouldn't have been able to put up with him for the whole drive...
needless to say i was doing about 150 on the freeway (which is a 110 speed limit zone), crying and blubbering the whole way so absolutely no vision on my part WHATSOEVER, and just so happened that that day was the only day out of THE WHOLE YEAR that a radar was sitting behind the trees on the freeway... so yes, i was pulled over, and GUESS WHAT, i forgot it was double demerits week... so there goes my licence... the cop was a real A$$HOLE and assumed i was crying because i knew i'd just lost my license... I WASN'T EVEN THINKING ABOUT MY LICENSE, i just had a fight with my partner, ****HEAD!
so now i had no license, a whopping fine, and a court date assigned to see how hard i would get my a$$ kicked by a judge for speeding so much...
i had to ring XP to give me a lift to work because i was stuck on the freeway with no licence... i didnt say one word to him the whole way to work, but just before we pulled up he just had to say "this isn't my fault you know..." what a w@nker.
lets just say i was glad that day was over
i cringe just thinking about it...
i'm so jealous of women who have such great pregnancies... they have a darling husband/partner, they are both smitten with the thought of having a baby... yeah they have their little tiffs but at the end of the day its all forgotten...
*sigh* if only life was that generous to everyone...
my XP was supposed to move in with me when i was 4 months along... he had only brought his clothes over at this point, but to me, that was considered moving in, it had taken so long for him to just do that! so it was a big deal in our world... anyways, one sunday night, everyone had gone to bed, me and XP were in bed cuddling and then his hand starts going down towards 'you know where'... and that night i really wasn't in the mood to do anything, i felt like a fat cow, i was exhausted, and had been neglected by him for a while... so naturally i said no and pulled away... well that was enough for him to snap, he got up carrying on about how i wont let him touch me and i apparently dont want to be with him etc etc... i was just sitting there dumbfounded WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS COMING FROM?? we cuddled almost every single night for **** sakes!! and DTD just as much!! so i'm not allowed to have a break for a few days?!?
luckily all that was just going on in my head... on the outside i was very calm and just told him, "ok, well if you want to cuddle then come back to bed and we can cuddle til the sun comes up if you like..."
nope, times to be a stubborn a$$ like he always is, can't let go of anything...
i kept asking him to come back to bed, i wanted him to come a give me some cuddles etc etc... nothing worked... he just sat there at the end of the bed looking at the wall or something.. pretty much ignoring me... so i said "ok well when your ready to come back to bed then you're welcome to, i'm going to sleep because i'm buggered"
so here i am pretending i'm asleep to see if he will actually come back to bed or not.. then about half an hour later of him sitting on the end of the bed in silence, he gets up and walks out the bedroom, and out of the house...(obviously walking back to his house because he didnt live that far from me at that point)
the next morning, i woke to find no XP as i was expecting, so i called in sick to work and planned on going down to XP's house to see if he had actually gone to work, oh and by the way, he was supposed to start a new job that day...
so i went down a bit later and turned out he hadnt gone to work because his car was still in the driveway.. so here i come, storming into his house, into his bedroom where he's still sleeping at 1pm in the afternoon... i was FURIOUS! how dare he not go to a new job AGAIN just because we had a little tiff the night before! i gave him a serving for about an hour and told him to come and see me when he had a job and was ready to grow up...
3 days later he rings me and tells me he's moving to the gold coast with his brother...
what.... the.... f**k...
I am sorry that you had to go through all this - i believe that when you are in a relationship, you should bring the better out of each other, - which might sound tacky now ...but it definitely should not be such hard work - i am glad i know you and your bub are in a better place now,
What a sad, sorry, selfish excuse for a man.
I've had my moments with DH don't you worry. There are days I'd rather be single & days I honestly wonder why I'm not.
But he's working on it at least. & even though he's not very understanding or helpful, he's never left me. I have wished he would, but he hasn't.
You guys don't need that crap. Your DS doesn't need such a lame father. At least if he's not really around - living away - you don't have to worry about making excuses for him all the time.
A good friend of mine has an xp who maybe see's their DD every 2 - 3 months. Its supposed to be every 2 weeks. Their DD is 7 & I'm so over seeing her heart break every week or two.
i'm so glad i have all you girls on BB for support, although it would've been nice if i found u BEFORE....WHEN I WAS PREGNANT... but i didnt... and cant really do anything about that now...
dont worry the story keeps going! it has a happy ending!
to be honest, i'm actually glad i met my XP... because for one i wouldnt have my beautiful DS, and two, i wouldn't be the stronger person i am now...
so for those reasons i thank him for being such a screw up...
P.S. I know this is no excuse, because everyone chooses who they want to be.. but XP's mother died when he was 12, and his father has been a drunk since then, and even before she past away so he has had really no upbringing at all... and i kind of feel sorry for him in that sense because he doesnt know any better, he doesnt know how to be a real man... he had to witness his father treating his mother like **** for his child life, and then witnessed a drunk pathetic excuse for a human being for his teenage life... i wish he let me in, i wanted to help him become a better person and break out of that stupid pattern he had created for himself... but he just didn't want to, and i know now that there was really nothing anyone could've done for him, he's jst destined to be an a$$ the rest of his life
hey! this icon is what i needed when my computer was being an ass last week! hah funny
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my story...(part 1)
Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!!!!
My story... (part 2) "promises, promises..."
ah the miracle of pregnant brain...
my story.. (part 3) ...one of the worst days of my life
hah funny
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