Are you a different parent to what you would have been if your Mum was still here?

[Lana]

My Mum and I had a really close relationship. She passed away suddenly, about 5 years before I had children. She missed my wedding, pregnancies and meeting her grandchildren. I have moved through the intense grieving phase but have been left with this sadness that sits in the background all the time and pops up at random times like when I am shopping and see a grandma with her daughter and grandchild.

I have been reflecting lately on how things should have/could have/would have been different had she still been here. Am I a sadder person than what I would have been? Do my kids feel that sadness? Am I less hopeful? Less positive? Are there positives? Am I better/ stronger in some ways than I would have been?

The kids have both been shocking sleepers which has left me burnt out. The recurring issue beside the actual sleep deprivation is feeling unsupported which has made everything that much more difficult. I have wondered if I really have less support than other people or that it is just a psychological thing because I don’t have my Mum and it feels like everyone else had their Mum to hold their hand through the baby days. If Mum was still here would it really have made things easier?

She would have taken the kids at a minutes notice when I had had enough and let me have a catch up sleep. She would have listened to my endless complaining and still told me I was doing an amazing job. She would have looked after me like only a Mum can while I was learning to be a Mum. That extra support may have given me more energy, patience and confidence in my parenting. It may not have. While I am doing the best I can do I can’t help but wonder if I could be doing better had things been different.

Obviously we’ll never really know the answers to these questions as we will only live one version of our lives but I wondered how everyone else feels. Are you a different parent than you would have been?

[Mad Scientist]

Wow. I could have written your exact same post. My mum passed away five years ago and also missed out on all those important milestones, wedding, pregnancies, grandchildren. Sure my dad is still here and my MIL but nothing can replace the ease of having your mum there just to....be there. I think I would be a lot more willing to give myself 'me time' if my mum was around. I find it difficult to ask for help but with my mum I didn't. She always understood 'me and my emotional tendencies. No one else does or ever will. I miss that so much. Just being able to cry on her shoulder for no reason. I miss her so much.

I guess the way that I console myself is that I have no idea what type of grandmother she would have been like. I imagine that she would have been wonderful and would have taken huge interest in our girls but one thing I've learnt is when it comes to children, people's reactions often surprise me. Deep down I know she would have been wonderful but to cope I tell myself that maybe she wouldn't have. Who knows? All I know is that I'm so glad that she was my mother and I hope that I can give my girls the type of relationship that I had with my mum.

I'm so sorry for your loss Lana xxx

[Nettie]

:yeahthat:

My Mum passed more than 10 years ago and one of the last things she ever said to me was "I wish you'd given me grandchildren". It's a constant guilt for me.

I always try to be the strong one, the rock. If Mum was around, it would have given me an outlet to tell ANYTHING to. I don't feel like I've got that outlet now so I bottle a lot up inside of me (which isn't good for my health).

Mum would have been the BEST Nanna. She would have spoiled him, played with him and made him feel soooo loved - just like she did with me. I try to remember those things when I'm with Liam and make sure that I'm that person with him (seeing as Mum can't do it). I'm silly with him and muck around a lot. Those are the things Mum would have done. So I change what I do with Liam so that he can get to know Mum through me.

having a bit of a now... sorry. Glad to know I'm not the only one in this boat.

[Nettie]

Whoops - double!

[Lana]

Thanks Mad Scientist. It is really only something people who have been through the loss understand. I have friends that look at me and try to imagine what it is like but it is that old thing until you walk in the shoes...I totally agree with you about Mum's just understanding you. I miss her unconditional love and that I could just say whatever to my Mum without censoring myself or thinking too hard about it. While I do have people who support me in discussions I try not to be too honest about how things are as I don't want them to get the wrong idea or think I am just whinging all the time or make them feel they need to try to find the answer for me.

I hope like you I can have a nice close relationship with my kids but get to hang around long enough so they never have to go through this themselves.

I am sorry you are going through this too.

[Lana]

Oh Nettie didn't mean to make anyone cry!

I think it is great you are taking all those great things from your Mum and passing them on. It is wonderful you are putting that energy into it. I too try to continue on some traditions like I say goodnight to the kids using the same words my Mum did.

I also find it hard my kids won't have the same sense of my Mum and she won't be as important to them or they won't love her like I did. I show them photos and I refer to her as Granny as she wanted to be known so at least in a small way I feel I am connecting her to them rather than her just being my Mum.

It's a hard road.

[meow]

Nope- I doubt it. My Mum died 12 years ago and I do ponder what our relationship would be like now if she were still alive. At the time she was depressed (I didn't realise until she suicided), was neglecting my younger sister who was living with her, I was in my early 20s and had a lot of childhood issues I was trying to deal with with her so all we ever did was fight.

I wonder if she had overcome her depression and we worked through our relationship if things would have been better but I just can't see it. She had lived her whole life with poor emotional skills so why would it change. Besides all that I now live interstate from my family so she wouldn't be around all the time anyway.

I just count the gifts my Mum gave me. She birthed my younger sister at home so I got to see a real birth and not fear it, she BF long term, coslept and allowed me to view many great parenting techniques that I took for granted as 'normal'. Most of all she gave me my sisters and they are a priceless treasure.

[Lana]

That makes sense meow. Just as we take the good stuff from our parents that we want to copy I imagine everyone has stuff they don't want to do again with their own family.

[Loveinamist]

Wow something it hurts to think about but important at the same time to work through.
My mum died 13 years ago when I was single and at university so well before parenthood was on the horizon for me! I agree with the feelings of feeling unsupported. I had got used to not having that unconditionally love and having mum things done for me but now that I have low days where I sometimes feel I cannot cope, I get jealous of my friends whose mums pop round and do their laundry or cook for them etc. I know for a fact that I shut off a whole jot of my emotions when mum died. I tend to be quite cold now as a sort of defence against losing someone again and that hurt and I hope this doesn't affect my son though I do try to stop being that way. I sort of try and assuage the pain by remembering all the potential conflicts I would have had with mum over parenting. She didn't believe in breastfeeding etc however deep down she would have supported me and would have changed her opinion with knowledge but it sort of makes it easier for me to believe I am not so badly off without her around. I guess we do what makes it hurt less and we will never know any different

[Mad Scientist]

Oh Nettie didn't mean to make anyone cry!

I think it is great you are taking all those great things from your Mum and passing them on. It is wonderful you are putting that energy into it. I too try to continue on some traditions like I say goodnight to the kids using the same words my Mum did.

I also find it hard my kids won't have the same sense of my Mum and she won't be as important to them or they won't love her like I did. I show them photos and I refer to her as Granny as she wanted to be known so at least in a small way I feel I am connecting her to them rather than her just being my Mum.

It's a hard road.

Lana, I do the same with good night words and I sing them the songs my mum used to sing to me. I haven't done the photo thing yet mainly because most of them are packed away. I will definitely nurture that though once the girls are a tiny bit older and can understand a bit more. DD1 knows she has an angel grandma which is nice when I hear her talking about her.

Meow, there are plenty of things my mum did that I choose not to do as well. I'm sorry that you have had to go through your experience but it's lovely that you have taken positivity away from it.

Red robin, I could have written your exact post. I have pushed so much deep deep down and probably not dealt with it properly but it was and is the only way I can cope. I get jealous of others too whose mums are so helpful. I know my mum would have dropped everything to help 'me if I needed....you've just got to deal with it don't you? And try not to think too much....

[Lana]

Red Robin it is interesting the coping strategies we employ to cope with our pain. I don't know how you have found it within your social circle but to have lost at parent at our age is an uncommon thing so our peers don't understand it so there is no discussion of how best to deal with these things. I suppose even if there was everyone is different with how they deal with things.

Mad Scientist I too get jealous of my friends. Not that I wish they didn't have their Mums but that I wished mine was here and then I can get a bit stuck in why things are so unfair. Why do I have to go through this and my friends don't. They have had babies that slept and then ontop had Mums to hang out with or take their kids overnight which is great but not what my life is. I try to be philosophical like in my original post that it is teaching me life lessons etc etc but really it just sucks! I suppose though no one has the perfect life and we all have our stuff to deal with and this is just mine.

Thanks ladies it is good to know I am not alone.

[Nettie]

A counsellor once gave me an excellent tip. When I said I was missing my Mum, he asked what it was about her that I missed (like a specific trait). I said that I missed her sillyness and having fun (we played a lot of games) and he asked me if there was anyone else in my life who did those things with me. It reminded me that my SIL (who was my best friend in high school) gave me the same fun, so he suggested spending more time with her to help fill that gap.

It completely helped. Not something you can 'cure', but you can take the sting out sometimes.

[1pj]

hi ladies,i just wanted to quickly reply,i had tears when reading this,i feel so alone sometimes and yet read this and reminds me im not!!My dear mum passed coming up 5 years next year and i was married but my DH didnt want kids for a long time,i feel angry at him in some ways because we were married a long time and we both knew we were going to have kids he just wanted to wait and wait(was actually gone 10 years married that he finally agreed)i just really wanted my mum to meet my daughter or to at least know i was pregnant because she knew how much i wanted to be and she wanted it too,i have 2 older sissters and they both have children who loved and remember there nanny and how loving and fun she was and i feel sad that i dont have her and my kids will never enjoy that,sorry that turned into a bit of a vent!I get sad too and feel i wish so much she was here i know i cant change things and i do agreee as you said Netti it takes away some sting to have ones close wwho are similar,i just worry im still a bit bitter and sad about mum gone i dont know how though to get it out.i guess they will always be missed and everytime we see a grandmother with children and daughters its just a reminder,i just feel i want to say to people who complain etc to appreciate there mums because some of us dont have them in our lives anymore so enjoy them while there here!Every post here is so close to how i feel i guess we all have similar feelings after being through it and i want to be a fun happy mum like mine was but sometimes i too get jealous of others and i feel i dont have the help like they do,there mums do so much and help and things life can be so unfair but i guess i need to try be positive and a good mum my self for my little girl.

[Lana]

Thanks for responding 1pj it is important to know we are not alone. Being a parent is hard enough without all this stuff on top isn't it? I was involved with a Motherless Mothers group for a while which was good as we were all facing the same challenges. There is also a great book called Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman which interviewed women of different ages who have lost their mothers at different stages and what impact that has had.

I don't think grieving for your Mum as an adult is really well appreciated by others. It's kind of like well you're an adult now sad your Mum isn't here but get on with it. It's the natural order of things your parents die before you it's suppose to happen. Maybe that is the case when they have lived a nice long life but I am assuming all of ours have died in middle age which was too early, is so hard to deal with and has long lasting impact on us and our families.

As has been said it is hard not to compare what we don't have with everyone else and what we should have. It doesn't help me but at times I can't help but think why me? And the family we have been left with have their own stuff going on so she was the best of our grandparents and she isn't here. I get not everyone gets on with their Mums and sometimes people are Motherless Mothers not through the death of their Mums but through abandonment, sickness or distance. However in our case we had a chance of things being great and due to circumstances out of our control everything is so different and that takes a bit of working though. Almost like that movie Sliding doors we would have been living a different life. From the emotional support, my health, even where we live now has been affected by her death. Amazing how far reaching the consequences have been.

And look it's not all bad I have learned through this experience that I am a lot stronger than what I thought I was. That I can look after myself and my family without help. That when the thing that you fear the most happens you can survive it. Whether you like it or not somehow the world keeps turning, you keep getting up each morning and your life goes on. It is different to what you would have wanted but you adjust and make a new normal for your life. We are really resilient like that. For me I am trying to work out how to limit the emotional impact of losing my Mum on my own mothering so that my kids don't turn around at the end and say "why was she always sad, tired, angry, resentful, etc" and instead try and take all the wonderful mothering I received and use that instead. My Mum wasn't perfect but if I can recreate that sense of unconditional love and support for my kids I will be happy.