My family consists of myself, my partner, his 6 year old daughter, and our 2 month old baby daughter.
6 yo stays with us an average of 3 nights per week. The rest is with her biological mum.
We have an old small house which is double story.
there are 2 bedrooms upstairs and 2 bedrooms downstairs.
Before baby came along my partner n I and 6 year old would sleep upstairs, us in our room, 6 year old in her room, just accross the hall.
Now with Baby, as there was not enough room upstairs, I have moved our bedroom downstairs with the other adjoining room into nursery.
Got it so far??
Problem is this:
6 year old is very much attached to Daddy. Daddy loves 6 year old. Very sweet and lovely.
On many occaisions they would cuddle up together "camping" in her room, our room, caravan - anywhere - thus setting up what I believe to be a routine with not much scope for any real development of self security and independence for the 6 yo.
I must add here that 6 yo is very smart and endearing (read: cute!) and is used to getting her own way on just about everything - but THATS another issue.
Since baby came along the sleeping arrangement has been this: Daddy and 6 yo sleep upstairs on mattress in one bedroom, myself and baby sleeping downstairs, me in parents room, baby in her nursery.
3 nights a week is annoying to me. I have a problem with it. And as much as I try NOT to - sometimes I do take it personally.
The way I see it is ; why cant 6 year old sleep in her OWN room (decorated beautifully mind you - verrrrrrry apealing for a young girl) which is upstairs,
and
Mum and Dad sleep downstairs in own room.
The house is tiny.
I can hear talking and crying from anywhere in house.
My partner however, refuses to leave his 6 year old upstairs "alone" - for security concerns and because he is worried she will be upset; whilst he an I are downstairs - closer to the naturally more demanding baby.
He thinks I have to get over it, and I think he should teach the 6 yo to sleep independantly. BASICALLY.
Ever since she was 2 she has interrupted our sleeping habits and taken time away from OUR reletionship on the nights she stays because Dad allows her to stay up until 10 or 11pm - when he goes to bed. I love my partner very much and would like to spend at least an hour alone with him to unwind every day. I though thats what was normal for most parents who are happy together - which we are.
Dont get me wrong - 6 yo and I have a fantastic relationship of our own and if she would let me I would love her as my own!
Now I have a baby of my own who is here every night - I want to raise her with a good sense of self security and resonable independance.
I would not have a problem with having her upstairs and parents on another level.
I just do NOT want this new baby of ours to take over and control our lives the way the 6 yo does. Nor am I looking forward to conflicts that could arise from jelousy between the siblings over whos sleeping with with Daddy.
I forgot to mention Daddy is :"GOOD COP" - Me Mummy is "BAD COP".
Do I have to get over this?
Or is daddy's concerns over the top and unreasonable?
We can't agree on this topic - now we are avoiding it to avoid arguments.
Does anyone else who has one child sleep on separate floors and can make it work?
Can the baby sleep in your room, and the 6 yo in the other on the same floor?
It's a big change for her given what she is used to, and it's sounds like the dependence is encouraged and enabled by your partner, who I'm sure loves his dd and only wants what's best..
He needs to be the one to encourage her to sleep on the other floor, and it doesn't sound like he is prepared to
I'm not sure whether there's anything you can do I really feel it has income from him.
What does her school teacher or her mum think of her staying up so late? What are her sleeping arrangements at her mums house?
Are there any underlying gears or anxiety that either your partner or his dd may have?
I think you can't force independence. It comes when they are ready and you can kind of help them along the way, but it needs to be gentle. If it is forced it could completely backfire, often by nurturing closeness when they need it you will get that independence later (Pinky Mckay has written about this)
The first thing that needs to be worked on is the bedtime, it is really quite late as Pandora has said. Good idea to have a similar bedtime to what she has at home. At least getting her to sleep by herself for those few hours is the first step to getting her to sleep by herself the whole night. I understand you need for adult time of an evening, I certainly have that need as well.
As for spending the whole night separately, well there many dads who are shift workers, or who work away, so I see a dad spending time with his daughter a few nights a week not to be such a bad. I think if you can get her to bed earlier, then things will be better.
My 5 1/2 yo often wants to come to bed and sometimes still need us in the middle of the night. So I think it is quite normal for a 6yo to still need a parent to some extent of an evening. I suppose it is just finding that workable balance.
Pandora: Her mum would hate to know of her staying up so late - especially on a school night. The next morning she can be irritable and tired - not surprisingly. He says that he know he has to get her to bed earlier but he's all talk and no action. I keep suggesting to get her to bed earlier but as im not the biological mum, and I can see how much fun they do have together - I kind of feel like its not my place to be such a party pooper. If she was my daughter however - I would not stand for it.
Some underlying fears are he worries that because she doesnt have her mum n dad together hes trying to make it up to her by ensuring that whenever she visits her dad she has super fun. He worries she will feel sad. (he came from a similar situation growing up)
Honestly - I can see he enjoys this time together with her - so maybe there isnt anyhting I can do, it might just be an issue for us that will be ongoing - crap.
I just was wondering if I was being a sook - though my feelings are mine and I think theres absolutley nothing wrong with wanting to spend quality time with my partner -he is a lucky lucky man!!
Its such a big change for her with a new baby there, i would be reluctant to force separation at this point. I think having the baby in with you for a while and the 6 yo on the same level is a good solution for the moment, and look at moving her upstairs on her own when the dust has settled a bit. Could you have both of them upstairs and you guys downstairs? This might be a bit more appealing to her, knowing she is not upstairs on her own and its a bit of a novelty?
Can you have the baby in your room with your DH and the 6 yr old in the other room close? that seems to be the best solution she has her own room (ie, independance) and your have your DH back in you room...
I have to agree with your DH, I wouldnt leave a 6yr old (my dd1 is nearly 5) upstairs by herself at all for the same reason. I dont want to create anxiety within my child, I would prefer her to feel safe and comfy in her own home. But thats just me.
As your baby gets older the sleeping arrangements will change again, and maybe in 2 years time the 6yr old will like having a room upstairs by herself, but I think shes a bit young yet. I can see its hard that half the rooms are upstairs and half are downstairs.
ETA - re staying up late, I think its late, I would never be happy with staying up that late, when my dd1 stays at my mums she does go to bed maybe 1-2 hour later thats it, anymore I would be saying I dont think its right. Also it is time that you have with your DH.
Last edited by *Belle*; February 17th, 2011 at 07:44 PM.
Would you be ok with the kids sharing a room? I know that my eldest girl loves sharing a room with her sister - then you and DH can have your room and the 2 girls right next door.
Yeah I think sharing is awonderful idea, I have 6 kids and they all have to share with somebody. the youngest is 8 weeks and soon he will have to share with his brother.
I also wanted to say that you and dh need to be united on your approach to prenting his dd...it sounds like you feel she is getting between you and you sound upset by that. Why can't you and dh have an agreed bedtime and ritual? If she needs him in the night- fine he can go to her, but at least you start the night with her in her own bed and you and dh with some time together. Six is very young still, and she will be dependent on daddy...but it's ok to have some basic rules around bed such as the time she goes to sleep and who comforts her etc.
Forcing independence is forced detatchment. Children need to feel safe and secure to thrive.
I have to say I agree with some of the PP. "Upstairs" can feel a long way away for a six year old. My own eight year old wouldn't like it. The other thing is as a child of seperated parents she does have some "special needs" around feeling secure. Not sure how long ago your DH and her biological mum seperated - or the circumstances around it - but it is a big thing for a little one to go through. Not only that but if she is at your place at least three nights a week that may be increasing her feelings of insecurity (sorry, I am not someone who believes shared care works very well for children - especially young ones). Then, to top all this off, she has a new sibling to contend with or, more precisely, daddy has a new little baby - one who gets to stay with him all the time. I imagine the poor little thing feels very displaced. Even if she is not outwardly jealous, she will no doubt be a little upset about yet another big change in her life.
Maybe try seeing things from her point of view.
Also, I worry a little bit about your comment - "She has taken time away from OUR reletionship on the nights she stays". That's not a healthy way to look at it. He is her father. You are his partner. She is not your competition. She sees him three nights a week. You see him seven. You are an adult. She is a child. Sorry to be so blunt but a parent/child relationship is forever and I think you should be very, very thankful that he is such a caring, doting father. A lot here on BB would give their right arm for a man so engaged in their children's lives.
That said, I know it's hard. I have been on both sides of this fence. I was the wicked stepmother for nine years (I no longer get to see the little boys I brought up), and now my DD has her own wicked stepmother. Except, in DD's case, her SM really is wicked. It kills me having to pick up the pieces each fortnight when she comes home from a contact visit upset at some petty act of jealousy, vindictiveness and insecurity her SM has subjected her to.
I have thought about rooming in but 6 yo just cant seem to be quiet even when asked and baby has reflux so is a bit of a handful. In time yes, they could hopefully because it would be nice.
Our house is small and the rooms upstairs are very close to lounge and kitchen therefore would disturb the baby easily and we dont want to be tiptoeing around so much in our free time.
Nothingto lose -6 yo was born with her parents separated so dosnt know any different. yeah, you dont have to worry - Im not in competition with her - but that she takes away time from her father and myself IS TRUE - if it wasnt so consistent - every single time - I could deal with it just fine. But she is high maintenance - she cant be independant - always needs to have us around to watch her etc.
I actually disagree a bit with your comment about it being unhealthy - I believe that a family unit with 2 parents together should be nurtured, especially with the divorce separatiion rate being as it is. We have been together a long time and I cherish him and our time together - Yes I am lucky to see him 7 nights a week, have him to myself 3-4 nights, but that doesnt mean quality time, you know what I mean? Weekends are so busy, his job is very demanding of his time and energy etc. Its hard! I think the 6 yo should be in bed by 9 to give us an hour of time together to reconnect - and I say thats healthy. Im not taking away anything from thier own relationship - he is a great dad and we are all thankful for that - parent child relationship is forever, yes, but around 20 they move on with thier own lives remember, I am still hoping to have him by my side and am trying to ensure our relationship is not affected for years to come by this situation - which im sure will sort itself out in the end - just would REALLY like to know when that end is!!!
Thankyou for your point of view though.
I am seeing a theme in everyones responses - looking like Im the one who has to suck it up. And I still have a problem with it...therapy!!!
Delara,
Sorry, my post didnt mention that I agree with you that a six year old should be in bed by 8pm on a school night. And I also think it is really important that couples have alone time. But remember, six years old is still very young, and just because her parents seperated before she was born, doesnt mean she isnt mourning the fact she doesnt live with her dad - particularly if many of her friends live with their dads. It is a point of difference that she will become more keenly aware of as she gets older.
For me the issue seems to be more that you guys are not a united front. It seems to me that your partner is feeling guilty and trying to compensate to his daughter for the new baby. As difficult as it is going to be there needs to be some changes - setting limits (including bedtime) trust me she will thank her dad for it later. Kids really don't want to feel different - they need to be included in the family.
hip mummy - this has been going on way before our newborn came along. It was actually worse, when she was 2-3 I slept on the couch so he could sleep with her in the "big bed" - our bed. I did that for a year! sheesh! Great point on kids not wanting to feel different - which is what goes through my thoughts alot especially with the new bub - I just want to treat them both the same, with a little bit more special attention for 6 yo due to fact she doesnt see her dad for half the week - but that said - im afraid admitting there is like a "flaw" with her life (by giving her special treatment - in the form of priveledges and treats etc) would only make the situation worse because she could someday realise shes being compensated for - She actually has a huge extended family who adore her to bits - I dont think she is too hard done by when it comes to love and affection - only because she doesnt see dad every day which is not to be sneezed at at all....This is a hard situation...
nothing 2 lose - good point on being aware of the difference between her and her sibling - we think about that alot - as above - where do you draw the line and find a happy balance between spoiling and giving special privldges to soothe the differences.
That said, 6 yo has a great life in the way of lots of family and always doing something different with mum or dad and thier extended families. Our newborn wont have that kind of experiences.
delara, I just wanted to say that I think that your points are valid (I don't think you should suck it up) and that your DP needs to see that continuing in this way will only make his DD more "different". I know that 6 is still young so being close to her dad (on the same floor) is probably still a good thing, but the independent sleeping is something that needs to be started soon. Maybe DP needs to let go a bit too?
I might add that I don't have any kids myself, but that's just my thoughts.
Delara I think you have some very valid points. We have shared care of my DH's three eldest children and it can be quite tricky at times to find a happy balance for everyone. Have you sat down with your DH and had a 'proper' discussion about all this? I found that the few times DH and I encountered differences of opinion re the steppies that writing him a letter pointing out how I felt was much more effective than a discussion that can tend to get emotional. I think because my DH feels guilty about not being able to see his kids everyday that he sometimes (especially in the earlier days) felt he was making up for it my being the 'fun' parent, when really kids thrive on stability and 'routine'. I think a set bedtime is really important - we notice if we even let the kids stay up half an hour later that they are irritable the next day! For now, I think the best solution is having your baby sleep in your room and DSD sleeps in the room next to you. Can your DH lie with her in her room until she falls to sleep as a kind of transition?
Good luck, this step-parenting business can be tricky!
I have discussed this over and over with DH but I guess because its emotional for both of us the discussion goes nowhere. We end up having to agree to dissagree. He actually challenged me to find 10 families who have the kids sleep on a different level to the parents, then maybe he would reconsider his stance! Thats part of the reason behind this thread! Not looking that good for me!! lol
I dont want to have to move bunk beds, cot, changetable toys etc up and down stairs for a child who is only here 3 nights a week on average; I think i wil just have to let DH sleep upstairs to be closer to the 6 yo who I think should be sleeping alone in her own bunk bed (considering it cost a fortune - u should SEE this kids room! spoilt!)
DH always ies with her until she falls asleep/ sleeps with her - its not a necessity - more of a comfort thing - she CAN go to sleep without - they both just like it that way - OK if it wasnt every single time - I dont want the baby thinking thats what goes on! plus I feel 6 yo needs to gain inderpendance and get to sleep by herself.
sleeping arrangement saga - OPINIONS WELCOME!
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