O man DD16 has been an absolute PRINCESS lately and its starting to get me down.
Quite frankly I think the truth is that she is spoilt and lazy, teenage moodiness aside and its going too far. She has 3 jobs to do - unload the dishwasher, feed the cat and hang out her washing/fold the sheets and towels. In order to get things done she must be reminded/hassled to do every job, every time. She gets shirty when reminded, goes to bed early to avoid it and will take as long as possible.
I need her to do the dishwasher before bed or before she goes to school so the dishes dont pile up through the day (no I WONT do it for her, its her fricken plan that I do it). So after the past 3 months I have now told her she can be slack with unloading but if there is a backlog of dishes she will have to reload. So first time it happens of course tonight.....and you should have heard the howls of protest and whining, why should she touch anyone else's dirty dishes??? Even if they were the dishes used to prepare HER meal. The carry on is embarrassing.
She moans about Dp when he is here even to the point of saying untrue things about him to her councellor, shes fine to ask him for money or anything else she wants because she knows I will tell her to pull her finger out before she gets anything.
I've stopped going to the councellor with her now, I don't think there is much point. It was good when she needed to express her needs regarding her biological father (eerrr yuk and another story in itself), and I did what she needed. But now its at the point where her issues are just the usual teenage power struggles and Im fine to handle that. Last time I went I felt that she was using it purely to get what she wants - which at the time was to allow her to sleep over at a boys house (UM, NO, not yet). When she listed her demands I again refused on the basis that she had shown no sign of the maturity needed to gain those freedoms. When she could help around the house and do her jobs without calling in Amnesty International in protest we could talk, until then NADA. To her horror the councellor agreed with me at which point she just threatened to leave school (and I had a feeling she might actually do it out of spite). We both gently pointed out the realities of her moving out (ffs!, she thought moving in with ExH would buy her more freedom but she fails to see he would be far stricter than me!).
We had another argument on the weekend about her stuffing me around when I was trying to get over to Williamstown for our photos and I ended up telling her not to come. I was heartbroken and nearly didn't see the point of going but I knew she would make everyone miserable the whole way there....as she does when she is dissatisfied.
In any case - and this has obviously turned into a mega rant but the point is - I am sick of the Jeckyll and Hyde personality. She is sickeningly sweet when she wants something but then turns on a tanty when she doesn't get her own way, and she is really nasty.
She gets away with it alot because I feel like I lose track of it. I swear not to carry on at her when she does this and mentally note it down so when she asks for money or a lift I can happily say, no I can't be bothered. But then I forget, then I get even more annoyed next time she does it because I've bloody well cut her slack and she can't even appreciate it.
So from now, I'm going to note it down in here (vent again I suppose) so I can keep track and not lose my head. In all honesty I think I'm so tied up about it is because she is showing the ickier side of herself (and we have a crapish side) far more often than the great. Its hard to enjoy the good moments because it feel like they will always be followed by some demand . And really, all she has to do is get off her butt a bit more but she breaks her neck to avoid doing anything for anyone but herself
Oh lord....gold stars for everyone that made it to the end...
i feel a bit weird posting as i was only her age 4 years ago....
i went through the same thing as her although i did move out of home....
i honestly dont think she WANTS to move out or leave school but she just thinks that by saying that she is going to get exactly whats she wants....
i know this is going to sound really stupid but it is really just a teenage girl thing, and i have no idea why we do it???
some of the people i was hanging around at that age were alot older than me and i was so jelous because they were allowed to go out till whenever and do what they wanted but i was stuck at home feeling like a 10 year old.
i do understand why my mum did all that stuff now but there was no way i would have understood it when i was that age!!!
that probably doesnt make alot of sense because there is not alot of advice in there but i hop it helps a little bit????
Sounds just like my sister! The good news is, my sister has now apologised to my mother for her behaviour as a teenager. The bad news is, nothing could stop her at the time and my sister admits that; she's no help whatsoever! (My dad grounding her was a nightmare for me, but at least I could stay out most of the time then.)
You sound like you're doing the right thing. You're not condoning her behaviour and letting her know your standards. If she can't live up to your standards then you don't reward her.
If you fancy a giggle at my 19-month-old (not -year-old): this weekend we asked him to bring us his shoes and coat. Normally this has him running to the door and trying to dress himself (so cute in pyjamas, hat and shoes in his hands!). Saturday, it had him look at us, lift his hand and "tabada hand". Talk to the hand? Already? At least we can answer "yes, that is your hand Clever Boy, now where's your coat?"
hang in there lulu - its a bloody roller coaster aint it!!! and one we could do without. I often find myself shaking my head in disbelief at Laura wondering who on earth this child in front of me is. The mood swings do my head in as well. I do find she is worse when she is premenstrual.
I know this wont make it any easier to accept - but maybe a little easier to understand... Lets blame it on the lack of development in their frontal lobes, the part that enables them to be able to make rational decisions and choices. This part of the brain doesn't fully develop until their 20's....
some interesting reading
" ... compared to adults the teens' frontal lobes (the
seat of goal-oriented rational thinking) are less active and their amygdala (a structure in
the temporal lobe that is involved in discriminating fear and other emotions) is more active.
The teens often misread facial expressions, with those under the age of 14 more often
seeing sadness or anger or confusion instead of fear. Older teenagers answered correctly
more often and exhibited a progressive shift of activity from the amygdala to the
frontal lobes. The results suggest that "in teens, the judgment, insight and reasoning power of the frontal cortex is not being brought to bear on the task as it is in adults.
Teens just process information differently from adults. .... This
new research may also provide a compelling explanation for why adolescents often fail
to heed adults' warnings about such choices; they may simply not be able to understand
and accept arguments that seem logical and decisive to adults. It is also possible that
teens are misperceiving or misunderstanding the emotions of adults, leading to miscommunication
both in terms of what the teen thinks the adult is feeling and in terms of the
teen’s response. "
and some more...
"Inside the teenage brain
Teenage years are often a time of rebellion and conflict, but new research suggests our teens are not being obnoxious on purpose. A report in the August edition of GoodMedicine investigates the latest evidence that teens are effectively being held captive by their developing brains. The report delivers advice to parents on coping with the transformation.
“For many years scientists believed that the first three years of life were the most crucial for brain development,” notes report author, Sarah Marinos. “But researchers now believe the teenage years are equally as vital in the development of our grey matter.”
Far from being an established clump of cells, the teenage brain is a complicated work in progress.
It is still growing and neuroscientists believe this helps to explain some of the weird, wonderful and downright frustrating behaviour we often associate with teenagers.
Parents and the teenage brain
Realise that adolescents are not just a smaller version of adults. The adolescent brain is in transition.
Remember that adolescents’ frontal lobes are closed for construction. As a result, they are short on forethought, planning, consideration and impulse control.
Grab them by their emotions. If you want teenagers to learn, of if you want to communicate with them, make sure what you have to say is emotionally relevant to them.
Bombard them with positives. This is the age where motivation gets tricky. Use rewards and anything else you can think of to keep them intrigued with learning.
Never underestimate your power. Adolescents need someone around them, someone they may battle with, but someone who ultimately they imitate and emulate.
The report explains the reasons behind the lack of interest in conversation, the need to sleep-in (it’s not laziness), and angry outbursts."
I know it won't take away your frustration hun - it certainly doesn't take away mine - but it does sometimes help me in the midst of the arguements to stop, and remember that I'm dealing with someone whose brain is still "growing" so to speak. HTH.
laura - I remember that driving force and the insane jealousy over those older friends. I was determined to leave home and go it alone (especially since I knew everything ), but I just didn't sit around bitaching about it. I went out and got a job, I added to my twisted idea of a glory box so I had sheets and towels etc when I was 16.
I didn't want anyone to tell me what to do so bad I was the worst turd of all, but at least I fricken did it. I moved out at 16, paid my way with work, broke my parents hearts but at least the house was peaceful when I was gone.....and I've been trying to make it up to them ever since .
In any case I also know I'm finding hard to relate to her a little because she seems to be apathy all round. I didn't sit still when I was her age (although I always had my nose in a book like she does) it seemed there was so much to do. Ah well....
Tigger - those fact DO help, in fact it will be useful to revisit that post when the going gets tough
It wasn't that long ago that I was behaving EXACTLY like your DD. To a tee actually!!
The good news, my dear, is that SHE WILL GROW OUT OF IT - I absolutely promise you this!! I went through the princess "I'm entitled to everything but will give you nothing" phase and it lasted for a good two years. Nothing anyone said or did would have changed my attitude as I couldn't see past my own nose.
You will be happy to know that my Mum and I have the best relationship now. I love her and I respect her for all the times she said "No" to me and didn't meet my demands. We got through it together and you and your DD will too.
You know what I would do. Stop cooking meals for her etc.
If she doesn't think she should touch other peoples dirty dishes then why should YOU cook her meals?
Why should YOU wash her clothes. Why should YOU drive her places, give her money?
Is there anything on your shoppinglist you get that really you only get because you know she likes them? don't get it anymore.
Do you buy her toiletry needs? don't buy them anymore.. Well still get them but don't give them to her until she runs out & freaks out that you didn't restock the bathroom or where ever it is she keeps them.
When she starts complaining simply say in your most whinny voice possible while stomping your feet "WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS FOR YOU?!" then storm off to your room, slam the door & turn your crappy teenybopper music up loud.
I stopped washing her clothes a long time ago. Result - piles of washing in her bedroom, then when she does put it in the machine it stays there....and stays there, at which point sometimes Dp will put it out for her (ggrrr) and even fold it and put it in her room (ggrrr).She would even complain there was lack of room on the line when/if she did get around to it, then she would throw ONE pair of jeans into the dryer we never use because it wasn't her fault there was no room on the line. Most of the time I warned her I had a big wash day and told her to get hers done first...but nooooooooo.
I stopped making her dinner - well almost. She went vego and it was too much hassle cooking for her. There are piles of frozen veg meals in the freezer though - I did that when I went to work full time.
I wont be taking her anywhere and the only money she will get is for her train ticket. We discussed an arrangement where I would put a certain amount of money in a bank account for her for day to day stuff, plus pocket money etc (when she actually earns it). Result - she couldn't be bothered going into the bank to enquire about the account or get an application. Or there was somewhere else better to go....
Did I already mention she hasn't got pocket money for about 3 years now because she doesn't get her jobs done without reminding???
Don't hang that washing out when it piles up just dump it in a basket & leave it there so you can then use the machine. If its on the line taking up space, pull it off & dump it on her bed, not in a basket & certainly not folded.
The other girls are so right there is nothing you can do about this and you just have to ride it out.
But by all means MAKE A STAND - she's going to do it anyway but you don't have to make it easy for her.
so the next time she wants a lift to the shopping centre or her friends .... point her to the bus stop
I can't imagine how hard this is for you so good luck xoxox
Gosh Lulu - I'm not looking forward to the teen years!
Is it possible to talk to her and ask her how she thinks things should work? ask her what she thinks she should do around the house and what freedoms that could possibly earn her? (I know - talking to a teenager is near impossible LOL)
The reason I say that, is I remember if I was told or reminded to do something, I'd get my back up and not do it, just because I was asked to. If I had decided to clean up my room one day, and mum came in and said 'don't you think it's about time you tidied your room' I couldn't do it.. coz it would look like I was only doing it because she asked me to LOL. Twisted teenage thinking for you!
So perhaps if you make it look like she's in charge of the negotiations, she might respond to that?
I know as a 16yr old I probably would have felt a bit bullied and ostracised if suddenly no one did anything for me and I was told off for not doing things for myself all the time. I totally get it as an adult, the whole not doing anything for her if she does nothing in return. Just trying to think like a teenager again hehe. Things can get into vicious cycles with teenagers. I'd be inclined to make use of her thinking she's grown up, and use it to your advantage. Let her make some decisions - let her choose some chores (some!) and even let her choose the fair reward and even the fair punishment if it's not done.
Of course, i have never parented a teenager - so take or leave what I just said LOL. Just my thoughts (and memories!).
*hugs* I hope she grows out of it soon and you get some peace.
sounds like me a bit as a teenager Lulu. And i turned out ok?................ didn't i??? Ok, so maybe a bit wierd, but no nearly as self centred as i was! My mum was so awsome, and i was still a little biartch, so don't see it as your fault. I too apologised to my mum when i got older.
I agree with the 'ride it out' people. It is a teenage phase where the world revolves only around ME, me, ME, (being the teenager in question) but it will pass. Hang in there.
The Princess Diaries....
. And really, all she has to do is get off her butt a bit more but she breaks her neck to avoid doing anything for anyone but herself 
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so I had sheets and towels etc when I was 16.
.
My mum was so awsome, and i was still a little biartch, so don't see it as your fault. I too apologised to my mum when i got older.
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