To anyone, hope this helps.
We had a funeral for DD a week or so after she was born. I was obsessed, wanted to do everything under the sun for her. I worked out that my theory was, this experience was still related to her life. I wasn't going to get the life with her that i dreamed, so this was all i could do. SO i wanted to do everythign i could. I still do things to remember her, sometimes i tell people and sometimes i don't. I sleep with her ashes often as it calms me, I have made her a play mat, bought her gifts, released butterflies, bought a lamington to eat with her, painted a wall pink for her, light candles for her, write to her. And one of the biggest things, I found a good medium to speak to a couple of times a year. This has given me immense healing. We have found certain songs make us think of her and stop us in our tracks and we feel she is communicating with us.
Her funeral, i originally wanted to be small and personal and then the day before i desperately wanted it bigger than ben hur (sp). I felt like i wanted her significant to others as much as she was to us. She was born just over 28weeks in April 09. We had it at the rememberance garden. I hung white paper butterflies from the gazebo, and white flowers. We scattered flowers and petals everywhere. We wrote about her life, spoke about her life. I did a memory board of herlife, my belly, her birth. People sent messages to go with her, children drew pictures of butterflies for her. We set butterflies free and toasted her life with a glass of champagne.
As i mentioned, I was obsessed and kept it together the whole way through. I have absolutely no idea how. I knew that i wanted no regrets. Painful for me or not. I will never get the time back. It was all i had of her, and i wanted it all.
For some people this is a very private experience and i wanted that too. You just have to follow your heart and do what you feel is best for you. But try not to have regrets and be at peace with whatever you do. It is never too late to do as little or as much as you see fit.
Each and everyday i still do thing for her, be with her things and think of her. MY dh and I bought her a story book each and we wrote a message to her in it. We sent a copy of each book with her and we kept a copy for us to read to her from this earth.
I hope these ideas help someone. At the end of the day, only you know what will be best to do for your child. You are their mother or father and you will always know best.
Love and sincere thoughts to you all enduring loss of a child.
HM xoxo
Hi everyone,dory-thanks for asking,the day i found hard,we had a memory cake around Matthew's grave,i donated teddy bears back to the hospital to give to other greiving families,did some journalling,kids did some pictures for his memory box.I agree with you that everyday is hard to live with our loss,i read the other day 'death ends a life but not a relationship',the love we have for them continues doesn't it,we need to hang on to that.How are you?...Gigi-It sounds like you've found lovely ways to remember your Daughter.What did you name her?
mathew's mum - good to hear that things went well. what you have described sounds just so beautiful.
today is a good day for me, not sure why, but thanks for asking.
it's so hard to know what's right when deciding something as important as memoralising our babies.
i think we as mothers and parents, will never stop finding ways to celebrate and cherish our little ones memory but the first big step takes so much emotional investment.
my DH and i have had a service in the funeral directors chapel for each of our little ones. they don't get any easier. for our first child Amelia, we invited close family members. i never imagined we would have to endure our childs funeral again, but that wasn't to be. for our second child Nicholas and our third child Sophie, it was just us. we didn't hold it together, but that was ok, we were together.
one day we will decide what to do next and how and where to place their ashes. I am just not sure i am ready to let go yet. probably a memorial service, but we'll see.
i understand Gigi1's feelings of obsession and it's so good to hear all ideas of remembrance. people say i am strong, but i find strength in the experiences of being a mother and the memories of my babies. i also get inspiration from the other mothers on BB, sharing their anguish, their love and good days and their bad days, their hopes and dreams. in unity there is strength.
Dory, you are an incredible woman. I hope you are feeling ok today.
Matthew's Mum and others, you too impress me. You all help me feel normal...thank you. I think i will follow in your footsteps and make her a cake when her birthday comes around. Right now i want to put a stop to the clock. Time is getting away from me and it is moving so fast. Sorry, MM I will pm DD's name for you. I used to have it plastered everywhere but i found it took this safe place for me and my privacy. So i have started using DD and Gigi for short. This way i still have this space to be free.
We go to a psychic/medium tomorrow and speak to our DD again. We will do this a couple of times a year, more if we can afford. She is incredible.
I will never let go i think, DD's ashes will be with us always and go with us. You will know what to do when the time comes, if it does. In the mean time there is no rush....my view only.
Sometimes i feel like i have entered into a world of weird, that is so comfortable to me. I coul dnever tell people we know what we do. Others that have not felt this just look at us with judgmental eyes. It is hard to wear sometimes. It is believed by some that we are a bit over the top, she was only a baby, she never 'lived' kind of looks from people. I hate the forced pity and lack of knowing. The looks. Oh this is not the place for this, but it just came out.
Anyway, bit of a funny day. Love and peace to all
Hmxx
Last edited by Gigi1; December 6th, 2009 at 01:59 PM.
hello everyone, gigi-thanks for the pm,beautiful name you've chosen,How are you ?have you been to the medium again.Not long after my loss my husband organised for me to go to a spiritual healer not sure how similiar that is,she was saying an older lady was saying things but i couldn't really work a lot of it out,she wrote it down,when i got home dh read it and he thought of his mum who past before we meet......How is everyone else going?Shoulten's jewellers are making name pendants,i got one done as a memorial necklace for Matthew,they did a really nice job of it..hope you all find some comfort over the christmas period ,i believe our heavenly children will be with us all in there own way
You're talking to the converted, regarding the reaction of others. Sadly though, until my experiences I was probably one of those others who just didn't get it. Now on this side loss, I don't understand how I didn't get it before. The emotional attachment to my babies is so strong and the feelings profound. For me my babies are little people, who are just not on this earth anymore. They live on through both DH and me, and they have their own legacies.
Some people don't really get it when your pet dies either and dismiss your grief as silly. Maybe they are people who are yet to experience any profound loss in their lives? I was going to say lucky them, but I don't actually think that.
It's ironic that my experiences of loss have shaped me in ways that I never expected, but ultimately I hope have made me a better person. I can't think of the right word, better is not quite it, but there are a whole heap of other words to describe what I mean by "better" - decent human being, empathetic, real, wise, compassionate, much more in tune with myself and others, someone not longer afraid of sadness, stronger, and sad.
It's a paradox, I wish more than anything that my babies were alive and didn''t die, but then that means I wouldn't be the person I am now. If Amelia had lived I wouldn't have met Nicholas or Sophie. I wouldn't have found my way to this forum either.
I struggle with grief, but it's also a link to the times I spent with each of them during the pregnancies and for their brief time outside the womb. But then I feel guilty for accepting things as they have happened. I suppose I am just trying to find some meaning in this tragedy and pain.
This grief journey is pretty challenging huh?
I haven't been to a medium. Actually hadn't even thought of it til I read your post. But now I am at least aware of the possibility. Do you get a sense of serenity when you go? I honestly think if it works for you and doesn't harm you, then just keep going.
There's a line from a movie, can't remember which one - where a kid is getting scolded for believing in something that can't be seen, and the kid says something like " I know you haven't seen a million dollars, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist".
Trust your heart and your instincts, and stay strong.
Ps sorry for getting of the track of the original post of memorial ideas. DH and I had a photo shoot recently, just for us, so we had something for us from this year, something to remind us of the strength of our love for each other, so we don't get overwhelmed with living in grief.
Thankyou, I didn't expect I'd end up helping anyone and I am really honoured (and surprised) to have been able to. Thanks for telling me top, I needed it today.
That is so beautiful your story about P!ink and your DD. Thankyou for sharing. I am smiling through my tears at the thought of you singing loudly in the car, feeling so connected to your DD in a little coccoon. Singing in the car is like dancing when you think no one is watching. It's an ongoing memorial, singing P!nk to your DD.
I am off for a cry too. Tears are the words the heart can't speak.
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