Teenage Girls and sex

[Lisa]

(Gotta admit though, when I look at my little boy who can't walk yet, I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to talk to him about sex LOL!)

Exactly Rory!!!

I honestly believe that unless you're in the situation whereby you do have a child at the age that sex does become an issue, then you really don't know how you or he/she are going to react to it.
Yep, I have discussed sex with my 13 yr old son, and everything that goes along with it... he is 13, he is starting to get to the age of being more curious about sex. When the day comes that he may or may not want to talk about it with me, I would like to think that we could have open and honest communication with each other... but until then, I don't know how we will be... I just hope that he will feel like he can discuss anything with me.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Soul, I have been thinking about this a LOT recently.

Firstly, I don't think you are a bad parent, far from it. You sound like a great parent. I don't think I have stated that before so want to make sure that's clear.

However, I have many hang-ups about sex. Far too many really. I was thinking about PMing you about them but then thought no, I may as well say why I feel like this here. I don't want to discuss this at all, so will not welcome comments on it. I am not saying it is correct or rational to feel like this, but this is how I feel about it all.

When I was 16 my mother just assumed I was sleeping with my boyfriend - I wasn't, but she wanted me too. He wanted me to. His mother was OK with it. I wasn't. So when he got abusive I felt I couldn't go anywhere because everyone would just tell me that "well, it's normal to have sex." Not only that, but my little sister was having sex at that time too, so my mother I think couldn't have coped with me being different or abused. The vast majority of girls I knew as a teen had underage sex and/or been sexually abused by boyfriends. OK, so there was a pocket of people who were OK, but those were the ones whose parents were more strict. But everyone knew girls who had abortions, were uncomfortable with what boyfriends wanted to do but did it anyway to keep them happy, and turned up to exams pregnant. Maybe it's just where I grew up, maybe I just remember the bad points, but that's what I remember.

It's not about virginity, it's not about underage sex, it's about consent and not doing it for a silly reason (such as "I'm turning 16 next week and can't be a virgin at 16.") I actually had one boyfriend say how nice it was to finally date someone chaste... he wasn't saying that after 3 months though: I'll just say now we did break up for other reasons (my depression hit big-time and he couldn't cope with it). But I had another boyfriend cheat on me, sleep with a floozy I knew from school, because I wouldn't have sex with him. And that's just the one I know about.

DH slept with other girls before me and it makes me wonder if he compares us, how I rate, if they did something he really liked... if he wants me to do that, if he asks me to do something is it because someone else did it first... yes, I know I'm hung up on this but just think how fewer hang-ups I would have if it were normal to wait and this were encouraged. I wouldn't feel intimidated by a past that DH wants to forget (btw, it was only last year I finally saw a photo of an ex-girlfriend I was told was "hot" by one of DH's friends; that not-so-accurate description had plagued me for years!). I'm still paranoid that I don't measure up - and he did say that he'd have left if we weren't married when I was pregnant because I was so paranoid.

But that's why I'm against mothers (and fathers) being OK with their children having sex before they're in a very serious relationship. You don't have to be married (I wasn't - we were engaged), but it may cut down on the upsets. I'm just so scared something bad is going to happen to my baby, or my future babies. I'm not saying my attitude is right, or is going to stay the same forever, but I am going to say that's why I feel how I feel right now.

[soul]

Ryn sweetheart I knew you had had some hang ups sweetheart, we all do, in one way or another and I will say a great big thank you for being so honest and sharing yours with me, with us all, that took a lot of guts to do that and I respect you so very much for that, you should be very proud of yourself my sweet because the first step to healing in any way about our pasts is talking about it! You did not need to share this, not at all, so I salute you for bringing it to the fore for us all to understand your way of thinking so much easier!

You love your babe so much you would be willing to protect him from all the hurts and pains you have had to go through yourslef, that is a mothers love alright, and we do all see this, its hard not to notice how much you love that little fella.

Just know, my daughter is still a virgin, has no intention of being otherwise till her body has finished growing and I told her that is after 18 lol! BUT I just wanted her to know if she was to go behind my back, heaven forbid, I want her to understand to use protection, that is all this has been about, not my giving her permission.


I am glad you wrote all this, becuase I see now where you are coming from with your own hurts and pains.


Love and Light to you and yours,
Jay aka soul

[Ozziehoffy]

Soul, this is why I am so happy I have boys!! What a hard situation you are in. Like you said, your DH and you started dating at a similar age and a similar age gap. It's so hard to explain to them that it was different huh! I say to go with your mother's instinct hun, it serves us mum's very well indeed. I do think that the age difference is something which should be judged case by case and not as a blanket thrown across the ages IYKWIM. As we know kids all mature differently and some are definitely older than their years. BTW... I was a virgin until 18 and my first was Joshua's dad... I think it's important that they know it's not a bad thing at all to wait until they are really sure about it all. All the best with this one hun.

[soul]

LOL She is dating her old flame again, has been since day two of starting this thread, just shows you how quicj things change as we cannot predict anything when it comes to teenagers ha!Oh and he is only 2 years older than her, but even at 17 they are wanting sex, so dont mean she is any better off! But he is scared stiff of me and hubbie, scared stiff, so I doubt he will be thinking below his belly!

[paradise lost]

Ryn it took a lot of guts to share that. Bravo.

It's sad that your mother made you feel not being ready to have sex was some sort of ridiculous hang-up instead of being completely normal. I was abused by a family member and by a boyfriend but i do not regret the consensual sex i had as a teenager. In my experience whether it is me or the partner i'm with, if anything get's compared it is not the physicalities or the mechanics but the mood. Today after some very wonderful intimate moments DP remarked that he has had unloving sex before and he is always amazed by the difference between that and how it is between us. It is not what i do or how i do it, it is how i FEEL when i do it.

Sex is not a purely physical act of relief or an "activity" to be take part in during leisure time. As you feel in your heart (as shown by how you talk about married sex) sex is about the connection between two people. There is no sexual technique or trick which can fake loving devotion to another and the desire to use your body to communicate that love to them through their own body. There is no thrill of willingness or knowledge which can emulate love with conviction, and without love sex is functional and distant.

We raise men not to discuss this, we raise them to be undemonstrative but we allow them to be demonstrative about sex. Men are encouraged, expected to be keen on and to seek sex. Some of that is nature, sure, as it is with women, but a lot of it is nurture.

As a society we joke about men wanting to be bachelors forever, play the field, sleep around, experience everything. But as many men as women get married because as many men as women seek the closeness and ressurance and warmth of the marital bed.

It is my opinion that you should cease giving even a passing thought to those other women DH has known. Whatever it was they did in bed was not spectacular enough to stop him committing his whole life and self to you so he could always share yours. THAT, in my opinion, speaks for itself.



Bx

[mrsmac]

Wow this thread has really raced ahead while I have been away for the weekend! This is such an emotional issue for all of us and makes me realise even more that I am not the only one with hangups!
I have asked DD (nearly 16) to read this thread when she gets time as i would really like her input and also it has been a great conversation starter for us! More later.

[soul]

mrsmac, hope your weekend was a good one sweetie! It sure was an eye opener wasnt it!


Chloe thanked me tonight, omg my heart just melted, she had an argumnet with her boyfriend and she came and gave me a hug and told me she is so glad I am her mum, awwwwwwww!!! lol We talked about this thread a couple of days ago, she told me she is so glad I dont make her feel she has to hide things form me, and this is the whole reason I said I want her to know about her choices if she so decided to have sex "Regardless" of my encouragement not to just yet!!!They are little women still trying to find there way to adulthood, and it can be such a sonfusing time for them, becauwse there minds are stuck in two worlds, that of being grown up, but feeling angry that they are not heard as littlw women, that we stiull see them as our little girls, but even at 30 they will still be our little girls, thats just the way it is for a parent. But I refuse to at least not hear what she has to say, becuase I know she is not a silly teenager, she is a beautiful young women and has a good mind too!

[Ozziehoffy]

Soul, well done hun. You are doing a brilliant job as a mum! You should be so proud of yourself.

[soul]

awwwwwwww me loves ya!!!!