Soul, I have been thinking about this a LOT recently.

Firstly, I don't think you are a bad parent, far from it. You sound like a great parent. I don't think I have stated that before so want to make sure that's clear.

However, I have many hang-ups about sex. Far too many really. I was thinking about PMing you about them but then thought no, I may as well say why I feel like this here. I don't want to discuss this at all, so will not welcome comments on it. I am not saying it is correct or rational to feel like this, but this is how I feel about it all.

When I was 16 my mother just assumed I was sleeping with my boyfriend - I wasn't, but she wanted me too. He wanted me to. His mother was OK with it. I wasn't. So when he got abusive I felt I couldn't go anywhere because everyone would just tell me that "well, it's normal to have sex." Not only that, but my little sister was having sex at that time too, so my mother I think couldn't have coped with me being different or abused. The vast majority of girls I knew as a teen had underage sex and/or been sexually abused by boyfriends. OK, so there was a pocket of people who were OK, but those were the ones whose parents were more strict. But everyone knew girls who had abortions, were uncomfortable with what boyfriends wanted to do but did it anyway to keep them happy, and turned up to exams pregnant. Maybe it's just where I grew up, maybe I just remember the bad points, but that's what I remember.

It's not about virginity, it's not about underage sex, it's about consent and not doing it for a silly reason (such as "I'm turning 16 next week and can't be a virgin at 16.") I actually had one boyfriend say how nice it was to finally date someone chaste... he wasn't saying that after 3 months though: I'll just say now we did break up for other reasons (my depression hit big-time and he couldn't cope with it). But I had another boyfriend cheat on me, sleep with a floozy I knew from school, because I wouldn't have sex with him. And that's just the one I know about.

DH slept with other girls before me and it makes me wonder if he compares us, how I rate, if they did something he really liked... if he wants me to do that, if he asks me to do something is it because someone else did it first... yes, I know I'm hung up on this but just think how fewer hang-ups I would have if it were normal to wait and this were encouraged. I wouldn't feel intimidated by a past that DH wants to forget (btw, it was only last year I finally saw a photo of an ex-girlfriend I was told was "hot" by one of DH's friends; that not-so-accurate description had plagued me for years!). I'm still paranoid that I don't measure up - and he did say that he'd have left if we weren't married when I was pregnant because I was so paranoid.

But that's why I'm against mothers (and fathers) being OK with their children having sex before they're in a very serious relationship. You don't have to be married (I wasn't - we were engaged), but it may cut down on the upsets. I'm just so scared something bad is going to happen to my baby, or my future babies. I'm not saying my attitude is right, or is going to stay the same forever, but I am going to say that's why I feel how I feel right now.