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Thread: Trying to Conceive after Late Loss, Still Birth or Recurrent Miscarriage Feb/March 08

  1. #109

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    hi everyone!



    sorry for being out of action -i have actuallyu been on here trying to get time to write but we have'nt changed things with our computer yet and by the time dial up seems to get me into this site i have to go to work!

    My doc appoint is tomorrow for the "confirmation" of our BFP! I am feeling a little nervous and am going to buy a preg test today to do so i know it is positive before i go there. So be thinking of me at 10am as i can feel the butterflies building now, much less what i'll be like sitting there, hence the reason for a early morning appointment. Could'nt wait all day! Am not feeling any symptoms at all except tiredness (mostly due to extra long days and night work this week i think!) which has been normal for all my pregs. So tomorrow will bring me a little gift of hope!
    katie - wishing you luck for your US! I can't imagine what i'll be like so i am sending you loads of hugs! I am really happy that all IS going well for you!
    HAmmi - join us- that is what we are all here for! I am really sorry for your loss also, it is a terrible thing for any of us to have to go through and it is sad that we have all met because of a common heartbreaking moment! TTC when you are ready, it is such an emotional time and in all honesty, losing Jack shook me in a way i could not have imagined! I am normally a very positive person but felt incredibly sad and depressed, i could not see any real reasoning behind it esp when i have had healthy pregs before. I had alot of blood loss in the following months and although we did'nt use any protection against falling pregnant i thought that i would keep it open and hope it would happen when my body felt it was ready. It is really hard to TTC but there have been some happy stories so let those be a wonderful inspiration.
    Tm - good luck with everything! You are in my thoughts!
    Barbara - I hope that mass was ok for you and I really think it is wonderful what the hospital did in having the service for you! Although it may have been hard, it was a beautiful thing for them to do! I hope you are doing ok!!!!
    Simba - sorry to hear you have been running into some negative people! They will always have an opinion and something to say but you need to stay positive and hold you head up too!I don't understand peoples insensitivity at times! esp in medical fields! But i hope you are well and i can't believe how quickly you and katie are moving along!!!
    take care -i'll be back tomorrow after my doc! argh!
    xxx

  2. #110

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    Hi ladies

    Jo - My thoughts are with you for the dr. appt. i know all will be good.

    Katie - same to you with your u/s. i hope your scan is all good. this must be a stressful time. i hope your u/s puts your mind at ease for Nathaniel's EDD.

    TM - hope your FS appt went well.

    Simba - hope your roller coaster ride isn't too bumpy.

    Hammi - i am so sorry for your loss. sd you can see from my signature I lost my son about the same time as you did. He is my only child. You are so right that you feel all alone. i went to a memorial for my son at the hospital last sunday. there were so many (too many) families there who had also lost a child. unfortunately there is no "safe". we have learned that the hard way. My husband and I started TTC one cycle after our loss. it took me 6 weeks for AF to come back and then one month after that. My DH was talking about TTC again while I was still in the hospital before I even gave birth. Unfortunately I have not been as l;ucky as some of these lovely ladies and am still trying . we are on month 3. I have a memory box for Anthony on my bedstand. Ans brutus sits on top. Brutus is the stuffed dog that the hospital gave us. He wears Anthony's hospital bracelet as a collar. I also found this great site and have a keychain with Anthony's footprints etched in it. I take it with me everywhere. it is a long journey, but i have learned that we all have a new normal. some days are good and some are bad. they told us on sunday that we never get over our loss, but learn how to keep living. good luck, we are here for you.

    speaking of my sunday what a crazy ordeal. DH and I went to the wrong mass (we had one said for ANthony) his was at 9am and we both swore we asked for the 12noon. so i was in tears. then my mom was playing with my emotions becasue I hadn't told her about the mass. my mom totally knows how to push my buttons. The memorial at the hospital was wonderful, just very sad. the read the names of all the angel babies. we lit candles and all of the nurses from the maternity wing were there. it was beautiful. it really did prove to me that there are too many of us women out there. anyway i have a few more days until af is due, friday. i am going to hold off and test sunday if she is a no show. one day i feel confident and the next day not so much. well hope all is well.

    Barbara

  3. #111

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    Hi all. I will start with my good news. The scan was great. My ob was very happy and the baby is measuring ahead. My dates say 10 weeks 4 days but the baby was measuring 11 weeks 1 day. I can not tell you how excited that made me. I would love to find out the baby was months and months ahead just to make this go faster! It was very emotional, especially because the baby was moving constantly. It was lovely. Thank you for all your positive thoughts. And yes this will give me some peace of mind as I now start to concentrate on Nathaniels EDD this coming Wednesday.

    Barbara - wow this cycle has gone by fast for you (at least in my world). I will keep everything crossed that AF does not appear. And remember that the first time I tested I got a negative and then a positive the next day. Also, I was already 4 days past AF when I got the negative. I think it is good to wait until after AF to get a good reading. I really hope this is your month. The memorial service at the hospital was obviously very beautiful. I am sorry that you missed the Mass service but Anthony would have known you were there at midday. Also sorry for your mother! Honestly, families whilst being the most supportive can also prove to be the most insensitive. Grrrr

    TM - I hope all is going well with your treatments. I hope your FS appointment went well.

    Jo - good luck for tomorrow. I am thinking that you have probably tested by now? Fingers crossed for you. The fact that AF is this late is a very good sign. Your self-control is amazing. Please keep us updated on your news.

    Hammi - I hope you are okay. As we have all said, a loss of a precious and much loved baby is one of the hardest things you will ever face. We are all here for you and please know we are here to listen and support.

  4. #112

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    Thank you for all your kinds words. It is such a sad way to meet but knowing that we are not alone and that there is still hope for a baby despite all we feel now is a comfort. Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

    Tomorrow is Hamish's funeral and I'm so scared of it and what it means. I've never even been to a funeral before and this week I find myself organising one for my baby.

    I only have some photos of him that the midwives took for me. I want to get a drawing or painting done based on them... do any of you know of anyone who does that?

  5. #113

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    Hammi - I'm so sorry to hear of the devastating loss of your Hamish. My prayers and thoughts are with you, and I hope and pray you get through tomorrow as best you can, with the love and support of those closest to you.
    I sketched a picture of my phoebe, you can view it in my gallery, and would be honored to sketch one of Hamish for you, I am not a professional and have only discovered that I could sketch after losing her, so if you would like me to, I would be honored to do this for you. I have done a couple for a few other ladies on bb who have had late losses, but as I said I am no professional, it just done from my heart. pm me if you like.
    EDIT: before looking in the gallery there are photos of me also pg and an U/S of my current pg so just wanted to warn you as you might find the other pictures difficult.
    Last edited by klee; April 17th, 2008 at 04:08 PM.

  6. #114

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    posting back quickly -
    i thought i would do a preg test today so i could take a more recent one to the docs tomorrow morning than the 2 i have already done (and i also needed reassurance that i was'nt "wasting" my time or getting up hopes!) and the bloody test did'nt work! So now i have to wait to go to get fish and chips for dinner (can't be bothered!) and buy another one! The chenist better still be open! What are the chances?!?
    THEN - about 1/2 hours later the doctors call me re: my appointment tomorrow and my doc is sick so they asked if i wanted to see someone else. I started crying like i loser and basically apologised and felt i had to say i had lost a baby and i really needed to see that specific doctor because she was there for me at the time and the receptionist girl was like okkkkkkkkkk. So after much umming and arhhhhing i am still going tomorrow with a female doctor i have never seen and hope that i actually get some good news! because now this has put me very on edge and i am hoping now that nothing else goes wrong!
    ok to you guys! Can't believe most of us have been on since this morning!
    katie -YAY! i am so glad the ultrasound went well! and how exciting that you might be further along! One less week to countdown! No complaints there huh! and i am glad there was so much movement, seeing them move i think is the most amzing part, even more than the heartbeat as it just begins that bond in a more physical sense.
    hammi - We had a service for jack and it was beautiful. i was really nervous as my DHs dad and stepmum were going to be there and they just seemed so seperated in some ways from it all since he died. (his stepmum was the "you'll fall preg again" person. Bad timing - ARGH!) My parents on the other hand were amzing and felt as much emotion as we all did.My friend read a poem she had wrote for Jack after he died but ours was very small and touching. I am really glad we did it. Feel however you need to feel, it will be hard but just let your emotions guide you on a day like that.
    barbara - i have my fingers crossed for you! forget anything negative from your mum (easier said than done) but you do not need ANYONE to play with your mind right now!Don't let them.
    klee- just wanted to say your drawing was gorgeous! Amazing what you can do when you least expect it...so at least something beautiful and positive has come out of everything as you are able to do the same for others now.

  7. #115

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    hey everyone!
    i have been to my doctors and all is good! I am definetely preggas!!! I was nervous as anything and even though i had never seen the doctor before she was really wonderful and i felt guilty for all my bad thoughts beforehand! She asked about what happened with jack and I explained everything as the computer said i was 38 weeks pregnant and i said no I lost him at 17 weeks. So then we talked about this pregnancy and how i was feeling and she said we should do a test. So i pee in a cup and the nurse does the test and she says have you done a test at home and i said yes and she goes what did it say and i said well i did 4 and she laughed and i said they were all positive. And she said that the test we had done was positive too. So then i went back in with the doc and i had a cry and she said you have to remember you have had good pregnancies before and you have to be positive about this one...be positive and enjoy your pregnancy.
    So i have to have an ultrasound in a week to see that i have a "viable" pregnancy (i hate that term) but hopefully all will be ok!
    I have told DH, actually i yelled it at him one night in a fight and a few days later i got up the nerve to ask him what he thought and he said he said he would be confirmed with the doctor. So today i rang him after and he said it was nice and that we had some planning to do now and then he asked how i felt. (miracle of ALL MIRACLES!) So tonight should be good for us! YAY!
    hope you are all well!
    xx

  8. #116

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    Congratulations Jo - here is some stickyvibes for you Were they able to tell you how many weeks you are? Welcome to the rollercoaster! And I am glad that you have told your DH and that he seems okay about it. I actually had a little chuckle when you said you blurted it during a fight. I was amazed that you could keep quiet for that amount of time. Also did you say you have other children? How many?

    Hi to everyone else. I am sure we will be getting a couple more BFPs in here any day now. Have wonderful weekends.

  9. #117

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    Today we had Hamish's service. Seeing his tiny little white casket was devastating and I didn't really cope really well throughout the whole service. But after our families left, we had the casket opened so we could spend some time with him, and as soon as we saw his little face we both felt immediately better.

    He looked so peaceful and snug lying there in his hospital bunny rug just as we requested. Afterwards I talked to the hospital social worker and I think she thought that I've flipped it when I told her that I felt happy but I really do. Not haha happy but accepting and comforted that my baby is OK.

    Oh KLee thank you for your offer. Are you sure? Although Hamish looks perfect to DH and I, he was only 22wks and not what people usually expect a baby to look like?

    I have no problems looking at any of your pregnancy pictures or hearing about your pregnancies. In fact, it really inspires me because it gives me hope that I'll be there too in time.

  10. #118

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    Hammi--My thoughts and condolences are with you today, I know this had to be such a difficult time for you. I'm amazed at your strength. I think it's such a great idea to have a sketch made of your beautiful son, Hamish! My prayers are with you!

  11. #119

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    I don't know if anybody else finds themselves withdrawing from the outside world in this TTC time, but I have and I wonder if I'll ever find my way back.

    To explain: back in 2005 we decided not to prevent another pregnancy. If we got pregnant, fine--if not, fine. But what we got were three m/c's in a row. Before that (first) m/c, I was very active in my children's school, volunteering and stuff. I also took a dance class and rode horses. When I got preg in 2005, I stopped riding (obviously), but kept up my volunteering and dancing. But with losing pregnancies and the physical and psychological recoveries necessary, I pulled back more and more from all this--I haven't danced since 2006 (after my second mc) and I've stopped all my school volunteering except one thing. Also, I haven't reached out to anyone and made new friends, although I've kept my old friends. Now I'm wondering if that was so smart. But between getting pregnant and losing pregnancies, it's pretty much taken all my energies.

    jo76: I'm so happy you had a good doc appointment

    Anthonysmom: I'm so sorry for the mix up with your Mass and I wish your mom had been more supportive. I'm sure you had your reasons for not telling her about the Mass. Sending cyberhug.

    Katiegirl: I'm so glad for you! Keep us updated

    Hammi: I'm keeping you in my prayers.

  12. #120

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    hi everyone!
    Hammi - really happy that you found comfort in your service for hamish. it is a really huge step and i think you are amzing for being able to say that! I remember with Jacks casket how small he lookedand it was the hardest thing to hand him over to be cremated. My husband collapsed in tears. But we have good memories of the day having said that as it was in a beautiful spot and it was sunny and we had a celebrant very close to the family doing the service so i really believe you find comfort where you can. And i am sure Klee will be ok with a picture of Hamish. i know that i am still protective of Jacks photos and a few of my close friends said they would be honoured to see him but i have'nt bought myself to do that yet. There is one friend who lost her baby very late pregnancy who i would be completely comfortable with as she has been there, you know? I think it is our protective instinct! It does'nt stop!
    TM - I really hope you are ok! I also know what you mean by withdrawing a little from everyone. I have had a few comments. I met someone new a month agao and she asked if we would try for anymore kids and I said we had but he died and she said your so open about it and i said i need to be. It helps me. And i almost felt an enormous moment of strength as i could never imagine myself saying that to someone i barely know. My job is very social so i think that helped and i have to be out there as its expected! Soi was almost forced to get back into it, although the reminders are still there! A customer came in the other day and looked at my belly and said how are YOU? and i was like good, all is well and she looked at me and i'm like my god i have'nt seen you for awhile have i? and she said no and i said we lost our baby and she said she wondered why i did'nt have a bump!But maybe take a baby step and go back to dancing! its fun, its fitness and its social! All benefits! Then gradually climb back into other things! It may be difficult but you need something!
    Katie - yes, i have 2 kids already (hence all my talk since i have been on here re: healthy pregs and my surprise and devastation at losing jack.) A have a girl (3) and a boy (5) and they were very affected by our loss. They met him (i wrote about this previously but you may have missed) the day after he was born and fought about who was going to hold him first. They still speak of him all the time and i have quoted my son here before - he says we won't forget him because he is in our hearts. I still cry everytime he says that as i am not sure who told him that. My daughter asks why i cry for jack and i have tried to always be honest as that is what the hospital advised. My daughter still sees baby things in the house and asks if they belong to jack. Amazing, that eventhough he was'nt completely formed and therefore did'nt have completed features like the babies they are used to seeing, they can find beauty in their brief moments with him. We really do not give kids enough credit. I try really hard to get through my own grief and shelter them from it a little, hence my lifeline of this forum. I am not sure where i would be without it. Even my husband does'nt know about it as i needed a vent that was private. Does that sound terrible?
    Simba - are you out there? hope you are ok! will jump on the preg forum and see if you've posted!
    barbara - hope you are ok also!

    I am booked in for my ultrasound on the 5th of may...argh! I may need to borrow some postive vibes from you katie! I'll be roughly 8 weeks then (but will interesting to get our preg dated from the ultrasound) as i am 6 wks and 3 days now! So i am nervous but excited to see our baby!
    long post guys! sorry!
    take care!
    jo

  13. #121

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    Hi all.

    Jo - I have no idea how I managed to miss your posts about your children? Maybe it was before i joined? It is wonderful that even so young your children both remember Jack in their own way. I know that several of my nieces and nephews were very effected by Nathaniel. My sister has told me that her son who is 10 was very angry about it and also worried that i would be too scared to have another baby. Her daughter who is 8 cried and was especially upset that it was my first pregnancy. They are probably very sensitive as my sister has had 2 late losses - and they were very aware of their brothers and have a grave they visit etc. Children can be wonderful sources of comfort.

    I will do my best to help you with some positive vibes leading up to your scan, but we may need to call in some extra reserves. I am still finding it difficult and seesaw between feeling excited and confident, to anxious and doubtful. I am sure your 8 week scan will show you a good strong heartbeat. It is a beautiful thing to see.

    TM - I understand what you mean about withdrawing. I struggled (and still do at times) to get out again and pick up the pieces. I was starting to get better at the end of TTC and then got the BFP so that has bought on new things. Last weekend my friend wanted to catch up for breakfast and a walk. The night before i had back pain etc, so called her the next morning to say that I would meet her for breakfast but not the walk. It is so easy to become engrossed with TTC. Most people do not understand the overwhelming desire that drives us to want to conceive, and therefore do not always understand that it can be consuming. Take time to look after yourself, and I am sure you will find a way back to doing the things you enjoyed. you have experienced 3 mcs in a short space of time, and that heartbreak can not be measured. Take care

    Hammi - the funeral you had for Hamish sounds beautiful. I am glad you and your DH were able to spend some more time with him. I hope you are doing okay. Take the time to grieve and be kind to yourself.

    Hi Barbara - what are up to in your cycle?

    Simba - hi - how did you pull up after the session on Thursday night? DH and I felt it was worth going to and will go again in May.

    As for me, this Wed is Nathaniel's EDD, so this coming week really is going to be about him. I feel that having the good scan this week means I can move into this coming week not worrying about this baby and concentrating on Nathaniel. I have been a bit up and down, but managing ok. Basically I just let the tears flow when I need to. It seems to help.

    I hope you are all having lovely weekends.

  14. #122

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    hi all,

    sorry i have been a bit mia lately. not really much news to report. the m/s is still there a bit in the morning but not getting too bad. have been quite tired so probably why i havent been posting much as i am getting to bed (or falling asleep on the couch) early most nights. all was good with my ob visit the other day - his scan is not as powerful as the one at the u/s place so he was not able to see bub and the heartbeat. but not concerned as i remember this was the same last time. so now i am waiting for the 12 week scan on 13th May.

    Hammi - glad that the service for Hamish went ok and that you found the comfort that you need by seeing your little boy again. i remember finding the whole concept that we were organising our child's funeral so hard to come to terms with too. we had a beautiful service and so many people came but to be honest that day to me isnt part of my memories of Lani.

    Kate - i was a bit tired on Friday morning but i found the session really great. i was also really nice to meet you and Mel. have been thinking that i might not go to the s&k pg support meeting. think maybe its better for me to just go to one - anyway i will let you know what i decide.


    TM - hope you are doing ok! i have always been a pretty private person but i find now that i can slip into my own world a lot more. grief can be a really lonely experience and you dont always have the energy to deal with whats going on in the rest of the world. take care of yourself.

    Jo - congratulations on the dr's confirmation glad that your DH is being supportive too. good luck with the scan this week will be great to find out how many weeks you are.

    Barbara - so sorry that you missed the mass but am sure Anthony knows you were there at the other servive for him. how special that the hospital had that service for the angel babies. that AF does not arrive for you.

    take care everyone,

    sim
    x

  15. #123

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    Hammi,
    I am grateful that you have found us. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Hamish. Your service sounds beautiful - he sounds like a gorgeous little boy. May you find comfort in here. Big big hugs my love...

    Congratulations Jo! It is difficult but try to live each moment rather than look too far ahead. Manageable milestones and you will get there.

  16. #124

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    just a quickie from me. AF is now late (she was due yesterday). I always have an LP of 11-12 days. This month I O'ed on day 16 (which coincidently was Anthony's EDD). anyway i was too chicken to test this morning. i will temp in the morning wish, me luck. sorry about the me post I am a bit preoccupied.

    Barbara

  17. #125

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    Hi Barbara - I really hope this is your month. I waited 4 days to test after AF was late, so I totally understand. Keep us posted. I will say a prayer for you and fingers crossed that we get another bfp in here soon!

  18. #126

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    Do you think it's a conincidence that we're all around the same age? I'm 31.

    Anthony'smom -

    Thank you for your prayers Jen805. Wow, you found this forum all the way from California!

    Tempus Moriendi, I definitely know what you mean about withdrawing. When I'm feeling very sad, the only person I want to see is my DH. I don't even want to speak to my family even though I'm usually close to them. I have moments when I don't want to do anything because I don't see why life should just go on as normal when my baby's gone. Simba's right, grief is very lonely.

    Jo76, I'm glad you understood my feelings about Hamish's photo. Jack's picts probably look very similar since the dr told me that Hamish was only the size of a 19wk baby. How are you coping with your wait till 5 May? I don't think I'd be able to think of anything else!

    Katiegirl, are you dreading Nathaniel's EDD? I used to be in a Belly Buddy group for girls with the same EDD as mine. Sometimes I visit the thread to see how they're going since they're all so lovely and seeing their tickers always makes my heart sink. I have that all-consuming drive to be a mum too. When consoling me, some people say "you'll have a baby one day" and I want to scream "I want one now!" which to a normal person would sound crazy or cold since we've only just lost Hamish. But since no one's going to give Hamish back to me, I want a baby that I can hold and who will cry when it is born.

    Oh Simba, morning sickness and 12wk scan. So happy for you! Can't wait to hear about your first meeting with your bub!

    Hi Flowerchild. Thank you for your hug! I read your post elsewhere that you've just been through a rough time yourself with a sick child. Hope everything is OK now and I look forward to getting to know you.
    Last edited by Hammi; April 20th, 2008 at 12:42 PM.

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