I went to have a routine Sizing scan on Tuesday 22 July. Everything seemed to be going fine when all of a sudden the sonographer just stood up and said "I can't find a heartbeat, I am going to get a doctor" and just left the room. I was stunned. I wasn't sure I heard her correctly or what that meant - I was hoping it wasn't bad.
Anyway, the doctor came in and they had another look and he said to the sonographer "Yep that's confirmed - no heartbeat" Then he just left the room.
The sonographer then tuirned to me and said "your baby is dead. Can we call someone for you."
I was in such shock I just started crying and couldn't talk so she left the room and left me alone for 10 minutes!!!! When she came back in I gave her my mom's number as she lives close to the hospital I was at. My mom arrived soon after where she found me alone just sobbing!
She then told us that we could drive to the Gold Coast hospital (they don't have a maternity section at the Robina one) as the ambulance would take 2 or 3 hours as it was not an emergency. By this stage I was ready to kill her and her lack of sensitivity!!!!
My stepdad drove us to the GC Hospital where my DF met us as he had been at woprk nearby. We were then taken to the Labour ward and made to wait in a room for 4 hours before we even saw anyone! We saw the Social Worker who started talking about funerals and stuff and I told her to get out! The OB came in after waiting for 6 hours!!! She then said it was too late to start anything and that she recommends we go home and come back in on Wed morning at 7am.
To be continued - have to finalise some work stuff
Oh my god Theresa! That sonographer!! I would have punched her out.. that is absolutely unreal.
We found out about Jayvan at one of my monthly routine check ups. I went to my normal Dr who just really took my blood pressure, weighed me, felt around in my stomach and then got out the dopler machine to listen to the heart beat. I remember the morning of the appointment I was laying in bed and thought I'd ask mum to come "just in case" I was in for bad news.
I went to my appointment and he couldn't find a heart beat, he assured me that everything would be fine but organised for an urgent ultrasound for me as "reassurance".
I went straight in to book my ultrasound, for 5 hours later, at 4 on Wednesday afternoon.
When I got there the tech asked me if I "still felt pregnant" which I thought was bizaar and then proceeded with the ultrasound. She didn't tell me if his heart was beating or not until I asked her, and all she said was no, and then got up to get the Dr. Thank goodness this Dr was lovely, he was very apologetic even though what had happened wasn't his fault, he explained everything he could see from the ultrasound and kept assuring me I hadn't done anything wrong to cause this. The ultrasound showed that he had died 2-3 weeks prior but somehow my body had kept him in and he continued to grow.
I was then sent to ED to meet with an OB who took about 2 hours to come in, they originally thought I'd be able to have a D&C but he told me that I would need to be put into labour as Jayvans body has become quite swallen and a D&C would be to dangerous. He gave both DF and I a sleeping tablet each and sent us home with orders to come straight back in Thursday morning at 7.30-8.00 and head straight up to maternity.
Thursday morning we got there at about 7.45, went straight to maternity and got locked in a little storage room sort of thing for about 1.5 hours while we waited for a room and for the OB to come in and explain what would take place. When we finally got a room I didn't get induced until about 11am, after that I was pretty much left to my own devices, other than the meals lady coming around and the nurses coming in to administer more pills into my cervix!
I was lucky though as I had the most gorgeous nightshift nurse who helped to deliver Jayvan. She had been through the same thing herself and I felt that she didn't try to be reassuring, she aknowledge that I felt like my world was ending and didn't pretend what was happening wasn't happening!! When Jayvan was delivered she wrapped him up in a little blanket and let us both see him, which I'm glad I did, as I orginally wanted to keep the image I had in my mind of the beautifully fully grown baby I had intended to have! I truely regret not holding him though, but at the time I just didn't feel right about touching him, I don't know why.
She gave us photos of him and everything as well, and then after I had had a shower and cleaned myself up they let me go home, that was it.
Over the week at home my bleeding had gotten worse and more painful so I went back in to have a D&C as some of the placenta hadn't come away (2cm of it... who would have thought that small amount would have caused so much trouble!) and had myself a 2 night hospital stay as I needed to be pumped up with antiobiotics through drip. Yucky.
Before my D&C I was packing myself though, after they tell you all the horror stories, some of which can end up leaving you to needing a Hysterectomy, I was convinced that's what I was in for! When I woke up I remember feeling around my stomach for stitches Thankfully there was none!
hey Paula, thanks hun for the pear juice advice. They gave me a laxative on sunday night so I eventually went to the toilet on monday, but the poo was still very hard and it hurt a bit. After that, they were softer, but now I'm back to hard ones so I'll go and get some pear juice. Good luck for saturday hun, I so hope you get a BFP with your friend !!
AF stay away, we don't want you to come for 9 months !!!!
Theresa and Teagz, reading your stories just brings tears to my eyes, as all the sad memories just flood in for me. Huge hugs to you both
Will go for a lie down for a while, tummy getting sore from all the walking today - I think I over did it today. I also forgot to take the pain killers, oops.
Beata -- holy cow, 1 kg! That was no tiny thing, that! Take extra good care of yourself as you're healing. I'm your typical, cynical skeptic that doesn't believe in much of anything, but I *do* believe that meditating on your healing process, picturing your white cells going to work and building you up again, picturing the eggs that are on their way soon and the little baby that will soon take place in your uterus instead of that fibroid... that's something I definitely believe in.
Paula -- glad to see your temp went back up! I saw that post from you last night before I went to bed, because of the time difference. When I got up this morning I checked your chart again, and was all "WTH! Why is there no new temp today!" A little bit of a brain fart on my part, but just so you know, I'm watching you closely!
Helen -- I can't imagine how much DTD there was during a 60-day cycle of concentrated TTC and not knowing when O was coming. Your determination paid off! How's it going with your cervix? (Not a question I ask my friends that often, hehe!)
Jo -- let us know what your psychic has to say, if you're comfortable sharing. As for getting up at 3am to watch Obama get sworn in -- yay! This political geek was plastered to the Swedish news channels yesterday watching the speech and everything. Since we were over at a friend's for dinner at the time, they were VERY patient with me, heh...
Teagz -- I' glad to here the good news about yours acquaintences and their pregnancies! It's always uplifting to hear about all the successes that happen for other members of the "post loss" community, even if we don't know them. In the meantime, I hope you don't have to wait too much longer for Jayvan's results, though I know from Lan's case that it can take a really long, frustrating time to get those kinds of answers. It sounds like you had both the good and the bad with your experience in giving birth to and losing Jayvan. It can't be easy to decide in a moment like that if you want to and would be helped by holding him or not. I was not able to get that kind of closure with Beiron, but shortly after my loss I bought this charm bracelet. Two big heart charms -- a blue one for me, "the teacher," and a yellow one for DH, "the scholar" -- and a little green one for Beiron. I wear it every day and can find myself subconsciously rolling that little green heart around in my fingers. It's not quite the same as having seen and held my baby, but it gives me something to put my fingers on, focus on, sometimes actively and sometimes subconsciously, and sometimes I just "pet" it and say how much I wish I could have known you, my first little baby. The bracelet also has a new little silver heart for Kebab, right next to the little green one.
Theresa -- my experience with losing Beiron also includes a series of "this is exactly how a caregiver should NOT act" experiences, so my heart genuinely breaks for you. The insensitivity, cruelty, mistakes of people who are trained to have our lives in their hands -- they can live on much longer and more vividly than nature's neutral cruelty in taking our babies away. But I definitely hope one thing -- that you won't ever let them treat you like that again! I'm a short, quiet, seemingly unassuming woman (and foreign to boot) so I don't know if that's what leads to be getting kicked around more than others, but believe me, after the letters I wrote and the fuss I made after our miscarriage experience, I believe the entireity of ?sterg?tlands county and Link?ping's university hospital tremble at the thought of me! Rawr!
So I continue to get super excellent treatment this time around -- we had our second appointment with the high risk OB today. I turned out to be a different one than I expected -- I must have met at least 12 of Link?ping's gynecologists by this point -- but she was awesome as well. I got a short scan, not incredibly detailed, but satisfying enough for me. I have, like, a BIG BABY in my belly! Head way down there, butt way up here! And everything looks good. It's a good day.
Teagz - I am so sorry. I do understand as it took me a few hours before I held Zachary. It was not something I could do immediately either. You poor thing having to go back to hospital again. My heart breaks for you. Sending you big hugs
Beata - So glad you are feeling better. It is great to hear you sound more up beat
Back to my story.
We were sent home and told to get a good nights sleep! How the heck do you do that knowing your baby is going to be born and you won't get to take him home!!!!! Anyway - we came home, packed a few things and went and stayed at my mom's. We got to the hospital at 7.10am. We were admitted to a room in the labour ward and we waited for the OB. She eventually came to see me at 10am!!! I was induced at 10.15am. I went through 17 hours of labour and then they realised that Zachary was stuck and I was fully dilated and I could not give birth naturally.
They told me I would have to have a c-section. I was about to be taken down when they had an emergency ceasarean so I had to wait another hour. By this time the epidural had worn off as they had cut it down so I could feel the contractions. I was in agony. I was taken down to theatre and they had to inject me with pain killers as I could not keep still from the pain. Anyway, they got me stabilised and we got into theatre. Then the assisting surgeon took ill and we had to wait another 45 mins for a replacement surgeon to arrive. I was so cold in there that I was convulsing and they had to put hot blankets on me (although this did no good as they only covered my top half and left my bottom half exposed!
After all this Zachary was born on the Thursday morning at 6.34am. it took from Tuesday to Thursday to have him. I couldn't hold him as I was so tired and I was so afraid I was going to drop him. I only held him after we had gotten back to the room.
The midwife who was on duty was wonderful and took photos for us and dressed him in the outfit we had taken. We also had a very kind lady make a hand and footprint cast for us.
All in all it has been the best and worst experience of my life. The best part was getting to see our beautiful son and seeing him looking so peaceful. And you all know why it was the worst.
I hope my story has helped everyone to know they are not alone and I feel for each and every one of you. xxxxx
AFM Had my first OB appointment today. I have to have a bunch of blood tests and I am having to monitor my blood sugars 7 times a day. My fingers feel like pin cushions I have also been put onto 100mg of Aspirin a day.
He tried to do an ultrasound but we just saw a small spot (I am only 6 weeks tomorrow so he said we might not see much). I have an ultrasound booked for the 9th Feb and another appointment on the 18th Feb with both OB and Diabetic specilaist (now referred to as DiabSpec) Hahaha
Hope you are all keeping well and I look forward to your BFP's!!!!
hey girls!
firstly -
theresa - thanks-you for sharing your story but i am sorry you had to go through all that in the first place. It still astounds me to hear of the way we are treated, if people cannot be sensitive in that area of medicine what they hell are they doing there in the first place. I have the footprints and handprints but really wish i could have got a cast of their hands and feet . A very special memento to honour a special baby! And a small spot is just the start of something so wonderful, so there is great news in your post...
beata -i am with Tildy -1kg! i imagined one of those sugar packets and they are huge and heavy! Glad all did go well and that the doc was happy. please rest up tho - your poor body!!! You def deserve to put those feet up!~
teagz -i can't imagine the frustration of waiting for prolonged periods for results. i was one of the "lucky" ones - jacks were back in about a week and Madisons, i had intial ones within 2 weeks and the main involved autopsy ones in 7 weeks. The pain of waiting is horrendous so i hope they come sooner rather than later. i found in my experience they did'nt help at all as mine had no answers but there is one hurdle over when you recieve them.
tildy - your story is one i will never forget! But great news for you! and when did YOUR ticker get so far ahead! I can't believe how close you are to having a bubs in your arms!!!!! And i too not even realising it sometimes play with my necklace that has jack and madisons other half of their hearts on it. its a comfort thing for me and sounds quite the same for you.
paula -i will officially start stalking saturday. Except it'll start sat night as i have to work! grrr!!! so i'll be thinking of you and your girlfriend all day and going slowly mad!
As for the psychic - for the first time i came out with mixed feelings.
I gave her a photo of madison to read and she coudl come up with nothing for why she passed and was getting really frustrated. With jack she had something come very quickly but she sat with her photo for ages and could not get a thing. Which is in line with the results from the autopsy anyway!She said she was a fairy child and could dancing fairies around her and said she would have ben the sweetest little girl. So sounds like my other dd would have had an equally girly sister to play with which she would have LOVED!
She said if i decided to go through with another pregnancy i would have to take a small white pill which is right as my disprin tablets are small white pills that i have to take while ttcing.
She said she was getting strong flashes of pink so most likely a girl but then got a random flash of blue and asked if we have twins in my family and i said on my husbands side. the flash came while she was doing tarot cards and the death card (she said she is going to rip it up before i come next time as it showed about 4 times and was the first card to show 2 days before found out madison had passed) came after the preg card so she was wondering if i would start of preg with twins and then the boy dies and we go onto have the girl as the pink was much stronger. She asked if i had any other kids than what i had told her as she was def seeing another baby. And she could see me holding a baby in my arms with tears down my face but that they were tears of relief not sadness.
She said if we made the decision to go for it (my other tarot cards showed, mourning, insecurity, fear and decision that had to be made) that we would be preg by aug if i was'nt already. I told her not to give me a heartattack as last time she said that i went home and tested and i was. (don't get excited as we have'nt tried and i am 110% certain i am not!) The fools card up next to the preg one and she said it meant that i would be trickingmyself into not thinking the worst and saying to myself i would be ok. (i would love to see myself not stress!) she said i would wake up one morning and go this is it, i am going to think this way and this way only. it would be a definete step forward for me.
She said i would do a course for emotional fulfillment not finanacial.
That we would go on a tripto queensland around august/sept. (we have for the last 2 months been talking with mum and dad about fiji or QLD for sept school hols.)
So there it is. Not sure how i feel about it and i have always been very comforted by her. I think only because that blody death card came up that i kinda went -her we go again but she said it came up after the preg card and this other one which she said was a better sign.
better go, have left my poor son stuck in front of a movie for awhile now!
xxjo
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