Trying to find where I fit in here

[angelicdragon]

Hi
My name is Judy and I am 43.
I have 4 living children (ages in my signature) but..
we had a baby girl stillborn at 31 weeks on April 5th 2002. Annabelle had the cord around her neck twice and her arm was caught in a loop of cord as well. It was so tight it left marks across her chest and face as her arm was over her head. I had 12 hr solid labour and then had to have a C sec as I couldn't get past 3cms.
It took us 5 mths to concieve her after my DH had had a vasectomy reversal.
I must admit I fell apart and tried to escape the pain in any way, even at one stage trying to leave my family but after a week in Melbourne I was back in Hobart.
After Annabelle and I was given the all clear to TTC again after 4 mths but had 2 chem pgs .. I just couldn't cope so that is when I went to run away and also went on the mini BCP. I kept hoping for an accident though and was on antibiotics at one stage and would forget to take the pill..
anyhow after we settled back down to a new normal life I started charting with Fertility Friend. I finally got a healthy BFP after 3 more chem pg and Samuel arrived safely at 38 wks on September 14 2004. (Induced a 38 weeks due to decreasing amniotic fluid)
PPAF returned Janaury 2005 and as we wanted a closer in age sibling we started TTC straight away. In November 2005 I finally saw 2 lines and my first beta at 13dpo was 143, but the next one was only 178. I was sent for scans to check for ectopic pg (all clear)and in the end I m/c at 6 wks.
Then nothing until 2 more chem pg in consecutive cycles in May and end of June 2006. What lovely dark BFPs and for nothing.
Then in August we got great news, not only dark lines bu a beta at 13dpo of 123 which more than doubled. At 7w3d we had a healthy heartbeat. I had morning sicknes and felt finally we are getting there. At 11w3d I started spotting but I tried to ignore it as I had severe bleeding at the same stage with my 3rd child. The next day it was heavier and I was cramping so we went to the ER and finally had a scan. Imemdiately we could see no heartbeat. I had felt slight flutters starting at just on 10 wks and at 10w6d I no longer felt anything so it was then that Joey Francis had passed away. (the cruelest comment was when I started crying and the sonographer told me she often had people in there with no children and at least I had children at home. Yes I do know but this was MY baby. You can't distinguish the love and desire of a child over other children no matter how many or how few)
I was sent home to come back in the morning and see my OB for a D&C but half an hour after getting home I stood up and passed the baby and started hemorrhaging. I could see baby quite clearly on the pad I had in place TMI. After going into shock and the bleeding not easing off my husband took me straight back to hospital and I was admitted. I ended up having to have a D&C in the end anyhow on the Monday evening and finally allowed home Tuesday. I had very low blood pressure (60/47) and had lost a lot of blood so I had been kept in
Somehow by miracle we got another BFP straight away but I was spotting all the way thru. We had a scan at what was supposed to be 6 wks but measured 5w4d but we still had a measurable heartbeat of 92.
I had to go back the following week to confirm dates and the scan then showed 7w1d and no heartbeat. I went straight to my GP who phoned my OB and we then went straight to him. He did another scan to confirm no heartbeat and I asked for a D&C that day as I did not want the labour like pain and hemorrhaging I had had with Joey.
3 hrs later I was in theatre. Once again I was kept in and had to have the bed tilted overnight (feet up head down) due to low blood pressure.
This time being confirmed m/c #3 he did testing. After all these months of telling me my m/c and chem pg were due to age and chromosone abnormalities the test came back as absolutley clear and Ethan Edward would have been a perfect baby boy. His due date is near, July 20 2007.
That was December 1 2006 and since then we have had no sign of any hope.

I am the stage of my OB saying if we get another BFP he wants to see me at just on 6 wks for a scan and he said no betas.
My thoughts.. two way on the betas - they can double beautifully and mean nothing at all. but if they don't rise at least you know right from the start that it is not good.
The early scans.. he wants to check viability and that formation is ok but why bother when Joey and Ethan both had great heartbeats and met meausrements within allowable limits of +/- a day or two.
The only solution they could come up with Ethan is that I had a subchorionic bleed which eventually caused a placental abruption and seperated the forming placenta from the uterine wall.
He did say if I had another loss he would run the whole spectrum of blood tests for clotting, immunity etc. he offered after Ethan but he said I had to NOT be pg to run the tests and after those months of BFPs in a row I was so sure I would be pg in no time. HA!!

I am really sorry for the novel if you have got this far.

so where do I fit in..
TTC over 40 and losing hope

Judy

[Jennifer13]

Hi Judy

I'm so sorry for your losses. It must be devastating to lose a much-wanted child and to have no solid reason given.

There is currently a thread of other women over 40 who are trying to fall pg, some of whom have children, some not and many who have had losses, unfortunately, like yourself.

http://https://www.bellybelly.com.au...=38313&page=11

I hope you find some comfort and support here and get to hold your much-wanted baby in your arms soon.

[Rach75]

firstly :hugs:

there are many wonderful woman on here who have been thru mutilple losses as well the TTC after m/c and loss board is greeat

anyway welcome and sorry to meet under such painful circumstances

[Lynn]

Judy,

I am so so sorry for your losses. Life is just so cruel and unfair sometimes. As I read your post, I cried. The first few lines was similar to what I could write about Cooper. I lost Cooper last November at 37 weeks to a cord accident. He was born with the cord tightly around his neck twice. Like you, it took us a long time to conceive Cooper - 2 years. We thought it was a miracle that we were pregnant and he was going to be our miracle bubba................but it wasn't meant to be. Every day I miss him and every day I still cry for him.

The comment you received from the sonographer was a appaulling! No matter how many children you have, losing one is too many. Unfortunately there are so many insensitive people out there and I'm sure you have come across a few of them, as we all have.

When I lost Cooper I found this site and started posting in the TTC after Stillbirth thread. The girls I have met in there are some of my closest friends now. I have only known them for 6 months but it feels like I have known them a lifetime. I guess my new life started when I lost Cooper so I have known them for the whole of this life. They are wonderful, beautiful and supportive woman who have also lost their precious and perfect bubbas and know exactly how you are feeling, what you are thinking and most importantly can tell you that you are normal. I know some days I just didn't feel normal but they would let me know that I was.

I wish you a short TTC journey. It is going to be a scary, bumpy and frustrating journey but we are here to guide you and help you.

Take care of yourself, best wishes

[Auntie M]

Judy, i am so sorry for your losses. i hope it helped a little to write out your story and some of what you are feeling. i feel so deeply for your pain. we just lost our Yeti on march 16 at 38 weeks with a cord accident. no other baby will ever replace him, just as no other will replace yours. i don't know if other people will ever truly understand that, but the folks here do understand and have helped me through some days. we are trying to have a little sibling for Yeti, but it is difficult to reconcile that hope with my fear of losing another baby. i hope you find some comfort here, and am sending you hugs. m

[angelicdragon]

Thank you so much everyone for yuor repleis.
I joined the TTC for older women board and they seem a really nice group.
Lynn and AuntyM thank you for your words and I am so sorry too to read of your losses of Cooper and Yeti.
It really is so hard to comprehend that one minute you are having a baby and the next (in my case) listening to a monitor of a heart in distress and there is nothing you can do. They had picked up her heartbeat but it was swinging from 180 down to 40 for 4 hrs til it stopped. The on call OB did not even suggest a c sec and I found out later it was because they were sure the lack of oxygen would have meant she was beyond help anyhow. Still, I feel like there was no sugegstion of help.
The reassurance when I was pg with Samuel was my own OB who said if we had any problems he would rather deliver a baby with a chance at as early as 26 wks than wait to deliver a stillborn.
Hugs and thanks for the warm welcome
Judy

[nickers]

Judy i am so sorry for your losses, my heart broke reading everything that you have been through. I was quiet angry at the comment of the sonographer though, who is she to make judgement that a misscarriage is ok if you have children already. i cannot physically know how you feel but wanted to you know i am still here for support.

[csab]

Judy - I too am so sorry for all your losses. I could not believe the nerve of the sonographer. People like this should not be in a position where such compassion should be given to patients dealing with loss, which they would encounter alot. I have 4 children, have had a couple of m/c's and their loss is just as real and painful, and by no means would they be replaced. For anyone to say to me, at least you have children, it does not mean it hurts any less. No loss of a baby/child should be pushed to a side as if it meant nothing, just because we already have children. My babyangels are in my heart everyday and will be forever.
I feel for you so much and I truly hope that you find some happiness really soon. My thoughts are with you. I cannot begin to even express to you, how sorry I am that you have been thu all of this.
The girsl here are just so wonderful and caring. Whenever you want to vent we are all here. Hugs

[L-net]

Hi Judy,

I also am so very sorry for the loss of your precious, very loved babies. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have to say that it is hard to read your words and know how much pain there is behind them. I am sorry.

I also lost my little girl exactly one year ago to a cord accident. I was in labour, there was no signs of distress, we had a heartbeat one minute, it was lost on the monitor and 4 minutes later I delivered her dead. The cord around her neck.

I have had people say to me "at least you have 2 children, some people can't have any" or 'at least you have one of each" and other similar comments also. When people say these things it saddens me deeply because I love Lucia with the same passion as my other children, and by saying this they negate that she was just as important to me. I have had the courage at times to say this to a few people hoping to 'educate' them but most times I'm too shocked to comment.

I want to wish you all the best for the next part of your journey and hope that you find the support here that you need. I'm glad you have found somewhere to fit in here

With love,
Lynnette x

[lj268]

Hi Judy,
I am so sorry for your losses, I know all too well what it is like to have a m/c. There is always that question of what wouldve my baby looked like, (in my case) what was it, a girl or a boy???? Many, many questions.....then there is the questions of "WHY ME!", it doesnt seem fair.
In a way I was glad that my babies were to be taken from me in the first trimester as to lose a baby that you have had growing, kicking, hiccupping inside you for months only to be told that your baby has passed would be so overwhelming. You and others that have lost babies later in pregnancy are very strong women and I praise you all for your strength.
Oh and btw, that sonographer needs to be reported to someone, how inconsiderate! When I had my last u/s (due to spotting) my DP asked her where the baby was and she just ignored him, needless to say there was no baby as such, well not one that was recognisably a baby, but she couldve pointed that out to him!
I get the same thing as you about having the kids at home too, I mean I have 5 H&H children whom I love to bits, but the yearning to have another baby is so strong and was so devistated when I lost my last baby to my DP of 2 years (this wouldve been his first bub too).
Anyway, enough rambling, I hope that all goes well for you and that you get some answers and end up having that precious little bubba in the very near future.
Look after yourself and I will have my fingers crossed for you.
All the best
Lindy.

[Inanna]

So so sorry my love to hear of your painful goodbyes to your precious babies... :hugs:

I understand the pain of loss and that desire to want to add to your family... I have also endured comments by health professionals that at least I have children. It's hurtful, insensitive and completely unprofessional. Sadly sometimes folk cannot walk in someone elses's shoes and those hurtful comments come out... I am so sorry... :hugs:

I would highly recommend you seek out another opinion. There are many treatable reasons for miscarriage. Whilst chemical pregnancies usually (but of course not always) are due to chromosomal or egg/sperm quality issues later miscarriages/losses are often due to treatable issues.
I am 40 next month and I also understand the sound of that clock donging in your ears..

Perhaps you would also like to join the TTC after stillbirth/recurrent miscarriage/late loss thread. You will find much loving support and information from the wonderful women in there too.

Thinking of you and sending you love... :hugs:

[angelicdragon]

Thank you so much everyone.
hugs to Lindy and Flowerchild. I'll look at making a post on the TTC after stillbrith board early in the week. A bit hard thinking tonight lol. We have friends up for the evening. It is Ethans due date on the 20th but as I usually get induced at 38 wks that would have made it around this weekend.. the year seems to be running past so fast at times.
hugs to everyone for your responses and thougths
Judy

[Mel1977]

I have only just found this thread and I just wanted to say to Angelicdragon that I am so sorry for your losses, I believe Annabelle is up there watching over you and her family with all of your other little angels

I lost my son Nicholas at 36w1d in September last year and it has torn our world apart, we struggle every day to pick up the pieces but I know there will always be some missing. I just cant imagine then going through all of your other losses.

I really wish you the best with your TTC journey and I you get a BFP very soon that leads to a happy healthy bubba

[csab]

Mel1977 - So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.