Is this rude ? ... Wedding ... Couple asking for money as a gift !!

[smiles4u]

DACHLOSTAR, that's such a super idea for my 'next' Wedding gift

... My sister gave everyone OXFAM gifts this past Xmas ...Everyone just LOVED the idea

Everytime I look at my daughter's little doll from OXFAM I think how beautiful that some other little girl (who may never have owned a doll before) has it's twin doll

P.S - I too agree, if the couple mention they have everything then why ask for anything at all

[smiles4u]

Hi all,

Well I went to this Wedding last mth ... and the whole idea of giving money as a gift honestly didn't sit right with me the entire time (infact I put more $ in then I would have spent on a gift at the last minute in the hope of not feeling embarrassed, & because of that was short of cash that week)

And the situation was worse when we got to the Wedding reception ... you could see everyone looking awkward holding onto their envelopes (obviously with card & money in it) & no one knowing where to put it. Infact I said to DP to fit it into his jacket pocket as it wasn't going to fit into my small evening bag ... well, yep it didn't fit & he was embarrassed carrying it into the reception centre then to our table with it

So, he sat it on his lap when being seated at our table like I could see most guests were doing. And we spent the next 20mins wondering where the hell do we put it.
Then the MP amongst his speech then told everyone where to put their 'donations' as he called it in a box sitting at one end of the massive Wedding party table which was high up like a stage. You could see a lot of people looking embarassed going up to put in the box.

Anyone that might read this PLEASE if you chose to have monies only as a Wedding gift take my experience into account & not put guests in such an uncomfortable situation & have somewhere more obvious to see to put the 'money' when guests enter the reception

[squidipa]

I must admit that does sound rude but some times just sometimes ppl do have everything they "THINK" they need. Now in saying that i got married in a different country where all my hubbies family lives we said to ppl please dont give us any gifts at all but bring a plate to the reception. We did also imply that if ppl felt they must give something cash would be of preference as we did not have the money spare to pay the weight on it to get back to Australia And i did have a house full of stuff .

We did get a few bits of cash not alot but every time i say something anything i was like WOW and very appreciative wethor that be 10 or 20 or more dollars. In total we got about 600 not much but the effect of that amount ment we were able to do things on our honey moon we would not have been able to do like dine out more and things like that.

There was one person whom gave us about 350 and i nearly died i was so amazingly wowed out. There was another person whom did buy us a gift to bring back to Australia and i gotta tell ya that one gift takes pride of place in our room. Wouldn't have cost very much 20 at max It was a picture frame with 4 pictures of the seanery of where we got married In New Zealand. Even tho we said no gifts please it was the best received thing!! Ild suggest buy a gift if they are rude enough not to be grateful stuff them. My momma always said beggers cant be choosers!!!

[Sammiejane]

Smiles,

we are in the same situation as you - wedding in a few weeks. I dont like being asked for money, but i also understand that they have most things so $$ towards their honeymoon is more useful
We have decided that we will put money in from several people so that it looks like a big lum sum... They gave us bank account details so will transfer the money

Our rule with giving $$ is that we give about $50 per person (not including kids) so $100 from DH and I, as they would be spending at least that to pay for us to eat and drink iykwim...

I agree also that, you presence is enough and if you dont have the money to give a lot or buy an expensive pressie, well thats fine too.

We didnt judge anyone for the gifts we were given at our wedding

[briggsy's girl]

i totally agree that having something OBVIOUS if you're doing the money thing is really important!! we had a table with our cake on it, and next to that, a table with flowers, a decorated paint tin (we'd asked for vouchers towards our house renos - which 2.5 years later, we're still using up!), and cards put on it. it was easy to see, the reception staff were really helpful in guiding anyone that didn't see it - was awesome

a lot of people have a wishing well - something visible for guests...

[Aimz]

I was about to start a thread for something similar to this.

I have to say that I am not very impressed with a couple we know.

Their wedding invitation contained a little card which asked for a donation to their wishing well in the place of a gift. That part is fine - I have seen this many times. We won't be giving them money though - as I think it is a little rude and I have instead asked them if there is anything they would like as I would prefer not to give cash.

BUT...... I got an invitation to the Bride's hens night the other day and get this... She is having a ****tail party and on the invitation the wording said...

"You are required to bring: A bottle of Strawberry Liquer"

WTF????????????

I SMS'd her and asked if it would be ok if I just BYO as I'm not a fan of ****tails (they trigger my migraines) and that I would prefer to just sip on my JD and coke like I always do. She wrote back asking what she had "designated" me to bring.

Am I just old fashioned or are the words "required" and "designated" just down right rude when it comes to gifts?

[briggsy's girl]

we've had ****tail nights in the past where we've asked people to put in money towards the alcohol so that there isn't a huge expense on the person organising. i know a lot of people do it as each person brings a specific bottle of alcohol instead. i don't think it's rude to ask people to chip in, but i think the way this person has gone about it is probably not particularly polite.

we worded the invites in a way that said we'd be asking people to chip in, and to contact us. there was no issue with anyone as we worded it in such a way that it wasn't a demand, it was a request. we had one person decide they weren't going to drink ****tails, so they were asked to BYO. we had the drink that they would drink here, but if they weren't contributing to the ****tails the same as everyone else, there was no way we should be supplying alcohol for them.

[~clover~]

We had a ****tail night for my hens night & I asked everyone to either bring a bottle of something to mix, or what ever they prefer. I ended up with 4 bottles of Blue Curocao(sp?), 2 bottles of Malibu, Tequila, Vodka, Sambucca - YUK! - Plus everyone bought something for themselves as well.
I think we all thought the Blue was exotic & different!

We also asked for money at our wedding. We had lived together for 6 years & already had the girls. We wouldn't have asked for anything, but people kept asking what to give us. Thats when we decided on the Wishing Well idea.

We had a Chest instead though. Our cake table had a guest sign book, the chest & a photo album to sign all with the chest. Plus we left a pen, paper & envelopes there as well.
I had a few people just leave a little message. Most of them put the money in with the card. They'd sign the book & add the card to the chest if they wanted.

I also had a gift table at the other side of the Bridal table.

We got any where from $30 to $100. Mostly $50.
Our money paid for our Honey Moon.

[Aimz]

I think that if she had asked for people to chip in for the alcohol then that would have been fine - I probably still would have BYO as I don't drink ****tails. But it was the fact that she used the word "required" and then specified what I needed to bring - almost like I didn't have a choice in the matter. That is what I found offputting. She has even asked one of our friends, who is 27 weeks pregnant, to bring the Midori!! I just think the invitation was worded very badly. I have no intention of drinking any of the alcohol except for my own - and I am happier to spend my money on something I will actually drink than something that I won't even touch.

I hope I don't end up drinking too much... I might accidently let slip how I feel!

[luna moth]

smiles, if they really have everything then they don't need money either so I think that a really appropraite gift would be one from the oxfam unwrapped catalogue.
You can order a wedding card with it

We got 4 of these for our wedding. We specified no gifts - 99% of our guests had to travel 200-600km to get there - instead we received donations to go towards our sponsored child's charity. We set up a money house (a hand-me-down from friends who asked for cash) which we redecorated to look African, with a cow and a straw roof.

This turned out to be a double barrel gift, as most people didn't include their details with their donation (we provided forms so that the option was there) so we put it all through in my name when we forwarded it to Plan. It came back to us in the form of a $3500 tax return for me, because of the large charitable donation.

In a vent though (one that I've never been able to have anywhere else) other friends who have asked for cash have netted $4-5000. With the same number of guests, we pulled in under $2000. I know there was travel involved, but I can't help but think that it's rude. If we'd asked for money for us, we'd have got more. But we asked for money for those who NEED it more, and we got less.

We did also ask for handmade and personal gifts, including recipes, letters, stories and photos of us. We got a hilarious handbook from a cousin, some great vinyl records, a marriage textbook someone got from a local op shop, loads of great photos and heaps of lovely and touching letters. I cried more opening our gifts than I did on the wedding day!

So my answer to smiles4u's original 3-month-old and now irrelevant (wedding would have passed) question is: NO, it's not rude to ask for money. It's shallow, but it's not rude.

And for amysarah: it's pretty common to ask everyone to bring a bottle, you just have to be sure they will all come! Otherwise you can get an imbalanced range of ingredients! It's actually more practical than having to ask everyone for money on the night, or ****ing about with change, or the bridesmaid being out of pocket $200, as happened at a recent hens night I hosted. I think that what you've done is completely acceptable though, because you have let them know. Enjoy the night!

[Banx]

DP's sister got married last year and she asked for donations towards their honeymoon..

It was run through harvey world travel and people could just go in there and give over money.. it was asking for money but not "cash"... I didnt find it rude at all

I thought it was a great idea

[Astrid]

So my answer to smiles4u's original 3-month-old and now irrelevant (wedding would have passed) question is: NO, it's not rude to ask for money. It's shallow, but it's not rude.

Thanks, a number of people here including myself asked for money at their weddings. I would much rather be classified as rude than shallow.

[briggsy's girl]

Thanks, a number of people here including myself asked for money at their weddings. I would much rather be classified as rude than shallow.

ditto. i think shallow is extremely harsh! would it have been better for me to say "we have two house fulls of furniture, we want to renovate, so call XYZ and work out what tin of paint you can buy, what additional nuts bolts screws we need"? it wasn't shallow, we didn't use it for petty things. we boughd a video camera with the cash we got, and the vouchers have gone towards painting inside and out, fencing, a new pergola. nothing that would have been an appropriate gift for someone to give for a wedding!! but you can guarantee when people come here, they notice the changes, and they KNOW they were a part of it. it wasn't shallow at all

[Banx]

I don't find asking for money, donations to wishing well (for a specific purpose), vouchers at certain stores, donations to honeymoon.... at all rude or shallow...

I would much rather help give the newlyweds something that they can and want to use and something they will remember forever..

[Liviam]

We also did a wishing well for our wedding as we had moved two house into one unit together so not only did we have everything we needed we had two of them. One thing we didn't have was a good lounge suite so I said that is what we would be buying with it so people knew what we were going to do with it. With the invitation we provided the envelope so it would be completely anamolyous (sp?) and the wishing well was placed on the table at the entry to the reception next to the table seating list so it was visable to all guests.
Before our engagement party I was going to do presenets but after getting over 20, yes you read it right, 20 platters I opted for the wishing well.
I do not think it is rude to ask for a wishing well over presents and I am certainly not a shallow person!!

[mako]

I don't think its rude to ask for money as a wedding gift.
We had a "treasure chest" at our wedding but we also had a very small gift register at Myers for people who weren't comfortable in giving money.

We only did this as we'd been living together for 6 years and had the smallish appliences and towels,sheets etc but needed some larger items of furniture etc. We were able to buy a new tv and entertainment unit and a few other items with the money we recieved.

So the money certainly wasn't "wasted" and it was and is still very much appreciated

[Kailani]

I wouldn't specifically ask for money. If me and my DP had everything we needed and didn't want any gifts, I would specifically say please no gifts and somehow try to get across to guests that we do not have any room/need for them! Of course people would still probably give gifts - things we don't need or already have, but isn't that the nature of gift giving? I know that my family rather give cash than gifts anyway, as they are lazy or can't think of what to buy lol. I am a big charity person so I think the Oxfam idea or having a wishing well set up for a charity is a great idea! I think I'll p*ss off a lot of people at my wedding - I've already told DP the catering will be strictly vegetarian!

On the other hand, it is really understandable why asking for money is common these days. Considering many couples tie the knot after living with each other for a while, traditional gifts aimed to set them up for married life are kinda irrelevant iykwim. Therefore money is more practical, and it also ensures that it will actually be used for something the couple need or want. Isn't that the whole point to begin with??

[fingerscrossed]

HI Everyone,

I haven't been to a wedding for a while and have never been asked for money as a present.

I think the biggest issue s here not being asked for money but how the happy couple ASK for it. When you are invited as a guest, it should be because the bride and groom want to share the day with you, not because you'll pay them back for the food and drink you consume on the day!

But, as a guest, it is customary to give a gift for good luck for the marriage, usually something you choose, whether from your own choice or from a list of suggested gifts/ registry.

If you make a gentle suggestion such as, "if you would like to give a wedding gift for the bride and groom, we are currently saving towards a honeymoon/ renovation/ whatever, and if you would like to contribute to this dream, there will be wishing well at the wedding reception.', it is so much nicer than 'we have everything we want, just give us money!