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Thread: Is this rude ? ... Wedding ... Couple asking for money as a gift !!

  1. #19

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    I'm sure however much you can afford, if you choose to, is fine, I am sure your friends dont expect you to put yourselves under financial stress to attendtheir wedding.


  2. #20

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    If you could only afford $10 then that would be a suitable amount. $50 is more than enough if that is what you can manage. I would never judge a friend by the amount of money they gave me! i am sure your friends wouldn't either.

    As other people have said, you don't HAVE to give money. If i go to a wedding and they ask for money but i have seen something i would prefer to buy them, then i buy them a gift.

    Again as other people have said, presence not presents is important. And if presents are more important to the couple than presence i would seriously be thinking about my friendship!

  3. #21

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    I don't think its rude either, friends of ours did a wishing well, but people could also buy a gift if they wanted to. I'm sure there will be plenty of people who give presents still, its probably a recommendation not a necessity. Do whatever you feel comfortable with Thats the most important thing, they aren't going to care either way. It just makes it easier for people when they probably have everything they need anyway. There will probably something similar to a wishing well setup so you can place cards/envelopes there.

  4. #22

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    I think your friends would more appreciate the effort and cost you are going to to share the day with them, rather than the gift of money you bring.
    We didn't live together until aobut 4 months before our wedding, but we were totally set up at our engagment (where we so didn't expect to be given gifts. WE still have stuff in boxes at my parents coz no room in our unit for it!
    So, we decided to do teh honeymoon registry, guests didn't have to say how much they put in and the travel agents did't tell us individual amounts. We did still get gifts on the day as well, which we appreciated just as much. So if you go the route of getting a gift, I'm sure they will still love it. You could go for something more ornamental than practical - say, a nice vase rather than a platter dish - the Willow tree ornaments range have some lovely ones suitable for weddings or engagements, and they have little meaningful quote to go with them. We got one for our engagement, and have since bought a number of friends similar for weddings or such, just because they are so nice. (they also don't cost too much - around the $40-$50 mark, but they look lovely)

  5. #23

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    Mmm I normally give money as a gift anyway but I get a bit shirty when people ask for it specifically, Id rather they have a register, I know its easier with money but then it puts some people in a bit of a bind.. as for the $50 - thats fine as an amount, its whatever you can afford, and any amount is appreciated. What you can do, is perhaps by a nice picture frame or two large candles (from a variety/two dollar shop) and put them in a small box with some tissue paper, rose petals, and a handful of wrapped lollies or choclolates (this signifies you are wishing the couple a sweet life together) and put your card in the box and nice big bow over the top. That way you can still spend $60 and it looks like you have spent a bit more and put in extra effort which im sure they will appreciate more than the actual dollar amount...

    BOL

  6. #24

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    We did a wishing well and I don't think it is rude as it was anonymous. We don't know who gave what or even if everybody gave something. Some people still brought gifts instead which was fine. We lived together before and had quite a bit of stuff and not much space so we put the money to a land deposit. I think you can ask nicely and you can ask rudely but most people feel that they would rather give you something you want or can use, not something you already have.

  7. #25

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    We have been to a few weddings now where they give the option of money or a gift.. We choose the gift.. Except for 2 wedding we just put $50 in a envelope.. but like you I prefer to give a gift that might look a little exxy..

  8. #26

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    We asked for money at our wedding as we were saving for a house deposit, had most things as I had been living alone for years and also we married in our home state, so it was preferable not to transport large gifts. Everyone gave money, except for my dad who gave a Myer gift voucher which we purchased a full dinner set with. I think only one person grumbled, but many others were very thankful. We decorated a large money box and left little envelopes decorated with our initials with it.

    Personally I don't see any difference between asking for money and having a registry. If anything I hate being made to purchase a gift that I do not like as it is the only one that fits into my budget.

  9. #27

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    yeah I don't see a prob with it at all & I agree as above...there is no difference to a registry or money. They will still know what was on the list & how much it cost. Also with a registry the couple choose what gifts are on it, so if they were greedy they could choose all very expensive things & that prob would be worse IYKWIM.

    I like the idea & yes we did it at our Wedding. I hate trying to choose a gift not knowing it it will be liked or used...giving money is sooo much eaiser. We had a wishing well so you just pop the money in - you did not have to say who it was from, though most had cards with them.

    We were thankful for what we got, we did not judge anyone. It was our special day & we were just happy to have everyone there.

    I think you also need to remember that the day is usually at a significant cost to the couple & they usually will be feeding you, you will be drinking free drinks & they will have paid for some sort of entertainment. Therefore most people have a fun time at the expense of the coupe as that's what they wish for their day, but it doesn't hurt to then give what they have asked in return IYKWIM. It doesn't have to be lots, receiving something is better than nothing & if you want to get a gift then go for it....we got gifts also & they were great too.

  10. #28

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    we asked for money at our wedding, we had an african bowl (that I'd bought for mum in africa when backpacking & it was given back to me after mum died) for people to put their envelopes in. We did also ask for gift vouchers from one of our fave stores (which we got).

    We had our wedding at my brother's place, but it was still expensive. DH's dad bought the alcohol but I paid for the rest (I used the last chunk of my inheritance from mum for it).

    Friends gave as much (or as little) as they could afford, one family with a baby on the way gave us $40, which was as much as they could give - that touched us as much as (if not more) than the few hundred from others - because we knew it was from the heart. We did give them it back threefold when bubs came along a few weeks later - buy buying them stuff that they wanted but couldn't afford for their baby (more along the lines of "I wish we could have x for bubs but it isn't essential"). Our best man couldn't afford anything more than a box of chocolates for us and that was the most amazing box of chocolates DH & I have ever shared - because it was given with love.

    It is the thing that is done nowdays, it allows the bride & groom to get what they want with the money - without having to go around a shop and do a gift register (which you usually end up putting stuff on it that you wouldn't use much - just because you have to put something down in a range of prices).

    Travel agents now allow you to deposit into a "register" for the bride & groom - I know I gave for a friend and it helped them be able to afford to go around europe for 6 months.

    We used our money to buy some furniture from a few different shopes, then the rest of it we spent on our investment property (ok the trip to see the investment property when it settled & a small "honeymoon" at the same time).

    When we got married, I had all the "stuff" as I owned property and had been living there for about 5 years and DH was living with me by that stage.

  11. #29

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    We asked for money too ... little poem included And here its not uncommon at all. I have never heard that you can ask your guest to pay for their own reception, but an open-bar is standard in the "middle-class" weddings here.

    We have been living together and had all the small stuff, what we really wanted was a stove and a washing machine (top-loader) so we took all our wedding money and bought a great stove and washing machine and had some left over for honeymoon expences. Fun. We did not judge ppl that gave only R50 or less. We apreciated every cent.

    I prefer to give money as a wedding gift. We usually give about R 100 - R 150 (OMG that is about $13-$20 talk about stingy!!! ), depending on what we can afford. Here it is quite a bit of money. I would hate being the guest that gets her "gravy-boat-gift" stashed away in the closet, only as a remindeder of what a crappy gift it was, kwim??? I'd rather give some money for them to throw towards something bigger that they really want, but can't afford.

  12. #30

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    HI smiles

    Well here is my opinion from a girl who had a greek orthodox wedding and reception and also a wishing well asking for monetary gifts.

    We didnt mind if it was gift or money or nothing and we clearly stated that.

    I did not have money pinned to my dress as my husbands family was not from a region that did this practice. Instead we had gold coins thrown in the air during our wedding dance and all the children ran to our feet to collect the money as we dance (supposed to make me fertile to make lots of good greek babies)....

    It is pretty common practice. Myself i love shopping for gifts - and especially for july weddings as you get the end of financial year sales.

    And honestly i had gifts of $35 - $1000 from individual families and we didnt judge them at all - i think if you are judged by the amount of money you give then they arent really your friends to start with.

    I think $50 is a lovely gesture and your friends would be grateful you attended more than anything.

    As for the honeymoon comment posted... i still find please put money into this bank account for our honeymoon comments in inviations rude.

    I actually got one for an ENGAGEMENT PARTY asking us to put money towards their honeymoon.... i was extremely offended by that!!! lol

  13. #31

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    hi,
    i reckon whatever you can afford is perfectly fine to give... my rule is always to try and find out roughly what the cost per head of the reception is and give about that... but depending on your budget this could be too much!

    my husband and i asked for money in a poem for our wedding as well as giving option of ppl giving a traditional present... personally i think that if the couple lives at home and have never lived in a home of their own there is definitely something that they will need..

    I found it rude when my sister in law and her partner asked for money when they got married when they had never lived together and didnt have anything that they needed for their own home... that made me a little angry, and i got them a gift instead because i think if u r going to ask for money it needs to be clear what it will be used for... on ours we actually made it clear that we were putting it towards a deposit for our own house so we could stop renting...

    Anyway, good luck, only give what you can afford and if you are still uncomfortable with giving money the couple will not mind if you buy a gift!

  14. #32

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    I agree that it's rude, but it seems to be the way things are going these days. I went to a baby shower and the invitation asked for a donation to there wishing well, my sister in law set up a honeymoon account with heavenly honey moons, where you payed a portion of there honeymoon. It seems to have become the way of the future, it seems to be becoming more popular and I guess it saves the searching for a gift!

  15. #33
    smiles4u Guest

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    A huge " THANK YOU " to everyone for giving me such insight into the subject asked

    ... I understand that more couples are going this way in asking for monies as a Wedding Gift BUT I hadn't realised that some couples simply don't give you a choice ... That's where I personally do still think that is a rude gester to be asking for money ONLY

    Whether it be in a poem or not, it's still ' asking for money ' no matter what way it is written !!!!

    ... And for the Wishing Well idea my SIL had that for her Wedding last year & I honestly looked through the romantic notion that it's meant to give !!! I felt sickened when I witness SIL & her new DH mentioned that they got more money then they expected & that they should have got married earlier ... The money as a gift ONLY lost the special thought's & caring efforts that any guests could have put into a purchased gift.

    Honestly how hard is it to find a Wedding Gift Next it will be MONEY asked for at 18th & 21st birthday parties !!!!!

    I myself could NEVER ask for MONEY for a Wedding Gift no matter which way I went about asking for it.

    Today's society has become so money orientated that it looks like they have lost the idea of 'giving' a gift !!!!!!!!

    Call me old fashion but if I'm going to ask for money as a gift I would much rather save ' some guests ' (I'm not saying that's ALL guests) the embarrassment. I as a personal choice would rather ASK for NO GIFTS on my invites if it came to that.

    It would mean more to me that everyone joined in & helped celebrate the Wedding Day & if they want to give a gift, it would be accepted with gratefulness & cherished as something sentimental, even if it was a toaster.

    I do know for a fact some of the Elderly relatives that I have come across themselves feel this has become a rude manner of today's society, that couples ask ONLY for money as a Wedding Gift

    As for Wedding in question that I have been invited to, this Family sadly does judge people by their financial status. That's clearly one of the reasons why I have great concern in giving money as their Wedding Gift

    THANK YOU " SNOOPEA " ... for making me feel like I'm not the only one here feeling like it is something considered rude in manner

    ... Thanks once again to ALL for your input ... It is very much so greatly appreciated :
    Last edited by smiles4u; May 16th, 2008 at 02:49 PM.

  16. #34

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    i think with how common it is for couples to live together before marriage - and often to have a family BEFORE they tie the knot - traditional "gifts" are rarely appropriate. it used to be that your smaller household items (toaster, kettle, microwave at a stretch) were normal wedding gifts, but there are few people who don't already have these by the time they wed - and i can't see the point in people stressing over trying to find something unique to fit in a house that is already complete. we did get a couple of gifts - a lovely vase and matching candle holder set, a photo frame that matched these (no idea how - they came from people that didn't know each other!) - but in all honesty, most people thanked us for taking the pressure out of finding something. we didn't ask for cash cos we wanted people to know what their "money" had gone toward. we still haven't finished painting the house through as we're doing it ourselves - but we know that the guests at our wedding have paid for the reno's we're doing - and several have commented that they appreciate knowing that we've been able to make use of their "gift". i guess we will all have differing views on this one from our own personal experiences. i've been to several weddings where a wishing well was available - for most of them, we have given money, but for one couple, that asked for money to build a fence, i refused to give them money as i knew it wouldn't happen. i found them a gift i knew they could use instead. and i was right. 3 years later, they still don't have a fence up!

    do what it is YOU are most comfortable. if you don't want to give them cash - simply don't! find them something you're comfortable giving them. and don't let the family attitude towards your financial status get to you - not worth it! go and join the couple as they celebrate their day



    oh yeah - FWIW - the most treasured "things" from our wedding day are the cards - the personal well wishes that i look at and remember those people sharing our day with us. their words, and those memories, will be there forever. very few "things" will last that long

  17. #35

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    I dont think it is rude at all. My husband and I did this for our wedding a few years ago. We had what we called a 'money tree' and everyone just pinned money to it with pegs. It was anonymous and we didnt really care who gave what. Like someone else said, every little bit helps. I think at our age (youngish) we want to buy what we want or maybe go on that special holiday, rather than recieve a whole heap of things that we didnt need. I think its a great idea and good on em for doing it. Money should be used wisely these days, not wasted.

  18. #36

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    smiles, if they really have everything then they don't need money either so I think that a really appropraite gift would be one from the oxfam unwrapped catalogue.
    You can order a wedding card with it

    tehehehehehe


    ETA -as for whether it's rude or not I guess that different cultures have different traditions so what is normal in one might seem a bit rude in another. In DH's culture everyone gives the bride gold jewelry. It seems a bit odd but it means that if something goes wrong and the woman wants out of her marriage down the track she has something of value that she can use to support herself while she finds her feet.
    My Mum thought it wsn't fair in DH so she gave him some gold too lol.

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