Well, it would appear that I typed too soon yesterday...Oscar slept from about 1 to 7.30. NOT GOOD! I woke up to two self-supporting balloons and I had some weird dreams that I wouldn't have had time to have had he fed during the night! His feeds are so erratic lately, so there's no tracking a pattern!
My mum was down for the weekend again, and I did the impossible. I implored DP to come to my parents with me for dinner last night, implored and implored. Could give no other reason than "I just want you to come with me" and no bargaining or manipulation would have worked, so I used all I had, which was "I realising what it is I'm asking of you, I'm asking you to do it for me first, Oscar second". Well, all were on their best behaviour and my dad asked me today how I did it. I feel so much lighter now after last night. It was becoming untenable to have my mum come down from the country, cook up a big dinner so that we can come over (and I'd rather go there, she cooks great and the house is toasty warm!) and I turn up with just Oscar. It just was feeling so weird doing that and made me feel so off-kilter, like I had done something wrong or like I was choosing. I can't explain it, but I felt whole last night, even though DP would rather not have been there.
I can understand the perspective of you girls who are itching to get back to work and are struggling to come to terms with the gap between the idea of a 'good' mother and the fact of the mother that you are. The latter is the important one, cos that's the one that your kid gets! Don't worry about anything else. I'm not being facetious, but I find myself being the mother I didn't think I could be to a little person. I'm loving it so much and I've taken to it really much better than I thought I would. I was holding Oscar today and I realised how much he's grown and I hoped that I had savoured the time that has just flown by in the way it should be savoured. And then there was the great morning we had on Thursday - that's got mileage! I'm absolutely flourishing in my new role, it really was time for Oscar to happen to me But I was in a position where I could afford to let go of pre-Oscar aspects of my life, or more appropriately, rework them into my Oscar-life! I dont' have a career yet, never really had great financial circumstances, so it's not like a lot of you girls, who have a lot of that to work through.
I think I need to get a dinner rolling...or I might get DP to think about it. Oscar is asleep in the HAB and wearing a fluffy white bunny suit, making great sleepy, snuffly noises!