I wish I could say that the grief of a birth experience going pear shaped disappears with time, but for me personally it still smarts - even after having a brilliant one follow. Nathan's birth experience was horrible for me, ex was on night shift, and I was 36weeks. I had been uncomfortable all day, but as I had no point of reference for labour never having experienced it with Laura, I didn't know that it was, plus I think I was in denial...it was too early, he wasn't supposed to be coming yet, this isn't how I had planned it, what was I going to do with laura, etc etc etc... so I "laboured" at home by myself, with a sleeping 2yo, until about 4.30am when I finally rang my mum, and described what was going on... I then rang the hospital, then rang the ex, whose response was, I finish in an hour. (he also worked an hour away from where we were living, so wouldn't be home for 2hours!) My mum came around, and I proceeded to finish packing my bag, whilst saying Nothing happening, I'm going to get to the hospital, and they will send me home... whilst being in pain - I had this delusion that contractions came, and then when they went away you could just go on your merry way...NOOOO...just the intensity of the pain increased, when the contraction stopped there was still pain! by the time the ex got home from work and we drove to the hospital half hour away it was 7.45. I had not slept at all, was apologising to the ex for having to go to the hospital, and cringing -because every bump we went over it hurt! At the hospital I was examined and had started to dilate, and they gave me a shot of pethadine to see if things would stop by themselves. Noooo...examined again, had dilated further, plus they were finally starting to listen to me about the very tender spot I was experiencing on my lower abdomen. With Nathan I had placenta previa, and because I had this tenderness, which was different to contraction pain, they started to become concerned that a plancetal abruption had occured, so off we went to surgery to have him delivered 3 weeks before the scheduled c-section date. Man, having an epidural put in while you are in labour is an interesting experience NOT! Nathan when born was all good, but while I was in recovery he went into respiratory distress, and was put on oxygen, and placed in a humidcrib. When I was taken back to my room, and special care nurse arrived to tell me that they needed to start giving him formula because his BSL were dropping too. I said can't you give him my colostrum with it. Well, she looked all put out, because it meant she had to go and get me a speciman jar, so I could express it out, and proceeded to tell me while I was doing this, that in chinese cultures they don't even give their babies the colostrum??!!! So now Nathan is on oxygen, in a humidcrib, with a nasal gastro tube, and I have SEEN him for all of 5mins in the operating theatre. He is in the special care nursery, and because I am still waiting for my legs to return I can't get to him! I asked the midwife looking after me if she could take me in there, and her reply was we are too busy, and said very rudely. So the special care nurses had taken a poloriod picture of him and I was hanging onto that. the ex had gone home, and brought Laura back. as noone would take me to the special care nursery (and the ex was soooo good on taking care of my needs! not!) i missed out on seeing Laura meet her new baby brother for the first time. I didn't get to hold him until he was 10hours old. It was horrible. when I think about it, I still feel sad, but near Nathan's birthday and on the day, I get out the photo albums and look at this baby boy, who is fast becoming a young man, and marvel at how far he has come, and celebrate the amazing human being he is becoming. his arrival was only the beginning of his journey, and while I feel sad about it still, there is so much more that has happened since, amazing wonderful experiences, that I have reason to celebrate.

on a completely different tangent, I can't get use to this walking boy that I have now! every time he walks towards me I keep shaking my head in amazement that this baby I had last week, has turned into a toddler overnight! he kicks the ball, has started gathering speed lol, bends down to pick things up along the way, carries them, and continues on to where he is headed. That added to "give me that spoon, I will feed myself thank you very much mum", no baby here anymore!!

Aston has lost his voice, so he is a croaky little frog. he has still got this cold thing hanging around poor little guy.

Laura and Nathan have been taking turns having a bath with him each night, because he has finally outgrown the baby bath we had (which was huge hence why he was in it for so long) He thinks it is wonderful!

We have had a busy weekend getting vege patch ready, and early starts to the day to avoid the heat of the sun. It is so hot!! I have had trouble sleeping, and are living on 3 to 3.5 hours a sleep a night...wondering when I'm gonna hit the wall. soon I think!