Hi
I lost my little boy @ 19 weeks three weeks ago, due to the cord being wrapped around his neck. Now I have received an invitation to a girlfriends baby shower. Don't really feel like going but I feel bad as she and another girlfriend hosted a baby shower for me when I had my first. (i have 2 boys, 6 and 3) Any advice appreciated.
Do they know that you recently lost your little boy? If they do, I dont think they would think badly of you for declining the invitation, It may have been sent not in poor form but so you didnt feel left out?
If they dont know, perhaps you could ring or go round and try to explain the situation, i know its not something thats easy to talk about, but they are your friends and they should understand.
so sorry about your lost little boy nessie.
xxx
I am so sorry to hear about your little boy Its a hard enough situation when your baby has been taken away from you, and it is just made harder when people around you are having healthy babies. While I understand that your friend gave you a baby shower for your first baby, and under normal circumstances you would without a doubt go and be extremely involved. But I think if your friend is truly a good friend she will completely understand that you are just unable to go. Maybe if you feel you can go and see her prior to the baby shower, take her a present and wish her well but explain that your heart is broken and you just cant go to the shower. Even doing that could be hard though, it has only been 3 weeks - that is like yesterday - and maybe you could just call her and explain that your wish her all the best but it would hurt too much at the moment. I am really sure that any truly good friend will understand and not want to put you through such a heartbreaking thing. If they dont understand, I would question if they are the type of friend you need around you at the moment anyway. You need to take care of you.
I lost my son at 36w1d, it was his 1st birthday last week, and my DHs friends are expecting and we are not going to the shower. They understand things are hard. We are talking about a year later and I still cant be included in the joy of others having babies, so surely after 3 weeks you cant be expected to.
I wish you all the best, and take care of yourself - its a hard time
Oh hun - Im so sorry for your loss Could you talk to your girlfriend and explain that you dont think you will be able to go but maybe you could go out with just her later on for lunch or something and you could give her a little gift then? That way you can privately and personally let her know how you feel without having to be there for the shower where it might be oo painful.
Im sure she will understand as your loss is so recent.
Good luck.
Nessie I am so sorry for your loss Did you name your son? I lost my son last November at 37 weeks to a cord accident. He was born with the cord around his neck twice. It is just so devastating to think that the very thing that is supposed to give them life, so cruelly takes it away. My heart, love and tears go out to you and your family during this heartbreaking time.
Me personally believe that your friend sending you an invitation was insensitive. She could have perhaps told you about it and give you the opportunity to attend if you wish. By sending an invite it is like she expects you to be there. As your pain is so raw (you only lost your son 3 weeks ago), she must understand how you are feeling and understand that you may not be able to attend the shower. If you don't attend, you are not a bad friend. You need to put your feelings first at the moment to protect your emotions. If she is a good friend, she will understand.
Take time to grieve and look after yourself - this is such a difficult time for you. Thinking of you
Yes Lynn, we named him Daniel, but we didn't have a funeral as we have other stressful things going on in our family (brother-in-law very ill with Cancer). so sorry to hear about your son too. I didnt realise this (cord accident) could happen during pregnancy I only thought it happened during a labour. It was a very big shock. Doctor said it is very rare and four times around the neck is even more rare. (it was wrapped around four times).
It was my friends Mum who sent the invite, but I would still presume everyone knows. Bad news travels fast. My husband phoned one close friend to let her know and the next day another friend was on my doorstep crying with flowers. She meant well but I would rather have been left alone. It was only 3 days after the birth. I dont think I really can attend as its just too soon.
I am so sorry for you loss. Your pain must still be so raw, you have to look after you Nessie and do what ever suits you. Your friends will understand. We all cope in different ways, going to a baby shower is not going to help you.
Look after yourself, DH and your sons and do things that make you feel happy and comfortable.
Nessie - I am so sorry to hear about Daniel. I too got told that a cord accident is rare but I have heard too many stories. I am also sorry to hear about your brother in-law. My thoughts are with him and his family. If you think it is too soon to attend that is fine and I'm sure your friends will understand. We all grieve differently but I didn't leave the house for a very long time. It was like I didn't want the world to move forward when we couldn't without Cooper. Take care of yourself
Nessie I'm so sorry about little Daniel. If you're not ready to go to your friend's shower, don't go. You could call her and explain why, or if that's too much yet, you could get someone to pick up a gift on your behalf and write a little note and have someone else drop it in.
If they're your friends, I'm sure they will understand if you're not up to going.
When I had my son he was very, very ill in hospital for 3 months. I had a very good friend who delivered her bub at 19 weeks in the same hospital at the same time. She did not visit me even though she saw me through the Intensive Care window... (she told me later). And you know what? I didn't mind one bit. Even though I was going through a tough time, I knew she was going through worse, and I didn't want to add to that one little bit by making her endure me and my baby at that stage of her grief. I'm glad she chose to be gentle with herself.
Big for you and your DH as you mourn the loss of Daniel.
Nessie, i am so sorry for your loss of Daniel. if only this pain need never happen again, but it is not as rare as the doctors say it is. we lost our son, Yeti, last march three days before his due date. an all too familiar story, the cord was around his neck and our midwife could not find his heartbeat at our weekly prenatal. this pain is so deep, and you have only just begun the journey. please be good to yourself, and that means doing only what you feel you can and avoiding all else. your priority must be to yourself and to live through the pain and searing emotions that will roll over you without warning (i have felt so much guilt, anger, depression, jealousy, and fear).
i have made a pact with myself that i will never attend a baby shower unless the baby has been born. it is too much to ask for me to expect happy endings, it is enough for me to find hope for them but to expect them is too much. another mom in my support group has made the same choice, and she is 6 years out from the loss of her daughter. your friend should understand, but it is not up to you to make her understand. if you feel up to it, explain to her in a phone call or note, but if you don't then have someone else call her for you. at three weeks out from your loss of Daniel, you don't need to take on anyone else's burdens. lifting your own is enough.
Nessie, i wish i could give you a hug and hold your hand. i wish my tears could make you feel better. take good care of yourself, and remember that although you will never forget, the pain will become less with lots of time.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Daniel.
I lost my son Luke at 16 weeks due to a cord accident. Went for a routine U/S only to hear the dreaded words "I'm sorry to tell you but....". By his size they judged that it had only happened about 24 hours prior to the U/S.
My thoughts are with you. Regarding the baby shower, you must do what feels right for you and your wellbeing. It is important to care for yourself at this time which can mean making decisions that may upset other people. But true friends will understand if you decide to not go.
Be gentle to yourself.
A big hug coming your way,
Debbie
I don't think it would be rude at all by not attending the shower.
My wife and I haven't really included ourselves in anything "kid" related (no zoos, parks..baby showers) since our daughter passed away on delivery day. And all of our friends realize what's going on...they know we are not avoiding them in bad spirits.
And we can relate with the bad news traveling quickly...though sometimes not fast enough. The morning after delivery day (stillborn) our neighbors came over with baby gifts and toys. Advised them of the bad news and a few hours later, the same neighbors brought flowers. That was a little awkward.
Simple face is, you get to do what you want. Healing comes first...
Nessie sorry to hear of the loss of you little Daniel. I agree with every one here - definitely don't force yourself to go to your friends baby shower, surely they will understand, i lost my little one 3 weeks ago at 11w 5d and i cant really face anything yet - let alone baby showers. The day after i m/c a close friend brought her new born to my house, whilst i was completely happy for her i was shattered when she left. Not sure if this helped but take care of yourself and everything else comes second!!
I am also so sorry to hear about the loss of precious Daniel. I am another one who lost my little girl last year to a cord accident, during labour. It is heartbreaking and you are so fresh in your grief, do not expect too much of yourself.
I told all my friends who were having babies after my little girl died that I will not be going to any baby showers. I made the mistake of attending one and left in a complete mess that left me depressed for days. I felt unable to shift my mood. I felt embarrassed at my reaction and frustrated that I couldn't change the way I felt. I haven't been to one since and don't know when I will ever go to one even though I have just recently given birth to a healthy baby girl.
We are all different in our reactions and you need time to grieve and begin the healing process. Baby showers are too confronting about what you don't have and want so desperately.
All the best Nessie, I hope your friends understand like we do.
I haven't spoken to her but replied via email ( the invitation was sent via email) to say I wouldn't attend but will send a present with another friend. They know what happened so if they don't understand its their problem.
Lynnette, sorry to hear about your lost little girl but happy to hear you have a new baby (although we never forget our angel babies) Its very brave to go thru pregnancy and birth again after a loss.
Sorry for everyones losses and thanks for all the hugs & support.
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Feeling down
Now I have received an invitation to a girlfriends baby shower. Don't really feel like going but I feel bad as she and another girlfriend hosted a baby shower for me when I had my first. (i have 2 boys, 6 and 3) Any advice appreciated.
Could you talk to your girlfriend and explain that you dont think you will be able to go but maybe you could go out with just her later on for lunch or something and you could give her a little gift then? That way you can privately and personally let her know how you feel without having to be there for the shower where it might be oo painful.
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