Nessie, i am so sorry for your loss of Daniel. if only this pain need never happen again, but it is not as rare as the doctors say it is. we lost our son, Yeti, last march three days before his due date. an all too familiar story, the cord was around his neck and our midwife could not find his heartbeat at our weekly prenatal. this pain is so deep, and you have only just begun the journey. please be good to yourself, and that means doing only what you feel you can and avoiding all else. your priority must be to yourself and to live through the pain and searing emotions that will roll over you without warning (i have felt so much guilt, anger, depression, jealousy, and fear).

i have made a pact with myself that i will never attend a baby shower unless the baby has been born. it is too much to ask for me to expect happy endings, it is enough for me to find hope for them but to expect them is too much. another mom in my support group has made the same choice, and she is 6 years out from the loss of her daughter. your friend should understand, but it is not up to you to make her understand. if you feel up to it, explain to her in a phone call or note, but if you don't then have someone else call her for you. at three weeks out from your loss of Daniel, you don't need to take on anyone else's burdens. lifting your own is enough.

Nessie, i wish i could give you a hug and hold your hand. i wish my tears could make you feel better. take good care of yourself, and remember that although you will never forget, the pain will become less with lots of time.