Butterfly... In life we can only act on the information we have at the time. You were following the steps given to you. We don't know why your Caterpillar flew away, we do KNOW WITHOUT THE SHADOW OF DOUBT THAT THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are a very beautiful and intelligent woman. What you are feeling is a normal stage of this grief process. Feel it and let it wash over you - but check it against the reality. The reality is you were doing everything in your power and knowledge to protect your baby.

Now, that said. And I hope you don't feel bombarded because I feel much like Michelle. As you know I have had 3 tiny angels and 3 second trimester angels. I listened to the doctors (it was easier - they knew - they had the med degree I didn't...) I did't listen to that voice that we all have. I have learnt so much on my journey. I am ever grateful to my angels for teaching me. However, I too have so many many regrets. Had I listened to my voice, had I researched more.... But I did what I did with the full belief I was doing the "right thing". As did you. As did Michelle.. As did many belly belly women...

Now, you have a chance to get some more info. Your health and that of your future babies is so very important. Don't give a hoo about what your FS might think. YOu know something??? The mark of a very good professional is one who is happy to be checked. One who is happy to have his opinion, knowledge questioned (in a respectful way of course...).

My obs with my last 2 babies was a gorgeous man. But he didn't want to know about the things I was concerned about. He fobbed it off too. But my voice kept saying "BUT"!
Then the unthinkable happened again...
Then I went about interviewing some obs. They had a job selection panel in me! The good ones were respectful and in awe of what I had done. They read all the research papers I had purchased... They listened with great interest. They were happy to work with Dr S...

The bodgy ones felt threatened and I knew that I would never be heard properly by them. I then came upon my obs now. She listened with heart, ears, and intuition and I knew she was the one. She phoned Dr S. They came up with a plan - but they included me... As my obs said Iknew almost as much as she did about it by this time! (I am being humoruous - not egotistical)...

We need as health consumers - customers of the health system to be informed. We need to be respected. We need a service that we are happy with. If we go to a restaurant and we are not happy with the service, food, wine we point it out...We need not be afraid to do this with the professinals we have employed to look after our health.

I may sound hard. I may sound arrogant... But I hope not. I hope you can see that I too have been a woman that didn't listen to her WOMAN VOICE that ancient one that whispers to us. Sometimes it shouts. We hear when we are ready. Sometimes that's when we are brought to our knees. Sometimes it is earlier. For me I was a knees girl...

Now, Dr S may concur with your FS. You may research some more and decide it's okay. Don't settle Butterfly I urge you without getting more opinions. The price is too high.
Women with autoimmune issues have a higher rate of NK cell invasion (I know you know about this) Dr S can test you for this. Dr S is talented - and compassionate. I have never once detected an arrogance to him. He acknowledges there are no guarantees. But, he listens and he studies what you give him (re your history)... I believe you will get some answers with him. And if you don't? It's the cost of a consult...

I hope I am not being too pushy... I just believe with every ounce of my being that no stone should be left unturned when your voice is whispering. And yours is...

I am here for you, holding your hand as you go through this. I have been where you are so many times... Big big hugs and so much love to you Butterfly...

Be very very gentle with yourself. You are beautiful, strong and this sadly is part of your journey. Smiles will come again soon and your Caterpillar will always remain with you...