BW - I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart just broke and tears ran down my face when reading about your loss. Please accept my heartfelt condolences. Please know that by any means "You are NOT resposible for the Loss of your much loved baby". I know right now it is hard to imagine anything different, because it is something that we tend to do. We tend to blame ourselves. You may have days that no matter which way you turn the pain is just so unbearable. Please know that we are here for you whenever you need to talk. If it helps to have something that you can get comfort out of or just want to spend some time with your caterpillar, why don't you think of a plant, or a special song that you can listen to, or even a baby braclet and engrave on it. I did all of this as a special token to my beloved Angels for me to hold forever. I also wrote a special letter, when I had lost my Angels and let them know that I loved them so much, I wrote down how I felt and how sad and empty I was, and how much I wished I could have held them, touched them and even smelt them and have their head rub against my face. I wrote my experience down and let them know that I would always love them. I found this helped me in some small way, and also gave me a sense of comfort when ever I want it. I cry even now to the song by Enya I have chosen for my muched loved Angels and feel them with me also. I cry when I hold my babies bracelets and all the other keep sakes that I had put aside. All I thought to myself back then, was if I could not give life to my darlings then I had to give them something. My heart breaks to this day and it has been over 5 and a half years since my first m/c. This will stay with you forever and you will always remember, but something changes in you when you do lose something so special. In some ways it also can make you stronger, and also gives you something even more special. That is feeling, helping, caring and supporting others that are going thru a loss. There is a connection that you get that you find you have with people in the same or similar situation to yourself. I honestly wish that you never had to experience such pain and sorrow and you may or may never find a reason for your loss, but please don't blame yourself. We mothers are natural protectors of our children and beat ourselves up so terribly when something goes wrong, we just can't help it, but please please do try not to blame yourself. Sometimes things happen that are just out of our control. Please look after yourself. My thoughts are with you.