It's hard to know where to start...

If I had walked in and the FS had simply asked me if I was ready to do another cycle yet, I would have honestly answered no.

Yesterday was the school athletics carnival - our appointment got pushed back an hour because he was running late, and we still ended up waiting for over half an hour after we arrived anyway. I was hot, tired, frazzled, and very, very stressed because I was afraid that the FS would simply talk about head stuff and ignore the fact that I'm wanting to rule out any physical reason for the miscarriage.

Sadly, the appointment was everything I was afraid it would be. Something I would have freely admitted myself was absolutely bludgeoned into my brain, and I feel almost as though he's actually set me back in terms of the process of me picking myself up and being able to move on.

The pathology testing that was done was just to confirm that it wasn't a molar pregnancy. Nothing else was checked. I managed to ask about the spotting with reducing the prednisone dosage and he insists that it's completely irrelevant and coincidental and nothing at all to be concerned about. Despite the fact that DH actually said that at this point in time I seem happier and seem to be coping better with life than I did 12 months ago, the FS considers that the anxiety/depression I suffer from is so bad that putting an embryo back now would be a complete waste of an embryo. He also thinks that I'm at such a high risk of post-natal depression that if I did end up having a baby now I'd probably end up killing it. He said that part of the reason I don't have regular cycles is because of the way my brain works.

Basically, I ended up walking out in tears of frustration. He's so hell-bent on the fact that this miscarriage was caused by a freak chromosomal abnormality (with no actual proof of this) that he's completely refusing to entertain the possibility, however remote, that there could actually be a physical/biological problem here. He wants me to sort my head out without acknowledging the fact that ruling out the possibility that my body did something to kill this baby will actually help me move on and help me approach the next cycle with some degree of confidence and less stress.

I have a letter to take back to my GP (appointment Monday afternoon) to talk to him about things and see about being referred on to a psychologist. I've been lectured severely about adjusting my dose of my anti-depressent meds myself, despite the fact that this is a dosage I've been on before. Despite the fact that until I did so I was not sleeping and suffered from constant headaches.

The FS absolutely refuses to do another cycle with me until I've got my head sorted out and we need to go see him again before we can start another cycle. I'm wondering how I can ever convince him that I am doing better after this appointment. It was everything I was afraid of, nothing that I hoped it would be and felt like an all-out attack on my state of mind. I suspect that I'm going to be so afraid of the same thing happening next time that it's going to reduce me to a quivering wreck.

So... in short, I feel like I need the appointment with Dr S more than ever now. I'm not at all tempted to transfer to another clinic so that we can use the embryos we have, but I still believe that ruling out the possibility of other process going on in my body is important in me being able to move on from here and do another cycle.

From there it was straight to acupuncture and that's where the crying started... and didn't really stop until I knocked myself out with digesic and went to bed. It wasn't my normal acupuncturist (still away on holidays) and she doesn't know the full history of our fertility problems so she actually tried to tell me that we have a chance at natural conception in the mean time... ha!

The crying continued all through last night when I got home and was talking to DH about things. In the end it took some extremely strong pain killers and some aromatherapy oils to get me to relax enough to let the headache subside. Killer headache from crying so much, but the pain was so bad it was making me cry more. I did sleep... but I feel so much less able to face my work day than I did before that appointment.

To anyone who made it to the end of all that ramble... thank you! you deserve a medal!

BW