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Thread: How do I cope with this?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Dec 2006
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    Unhappy How do I cope with this?

    Everything seemed to happen so fast. Just over a week ago we were happily 28 weeks pregnant with our first baby. We had our usual OB appointment where I mentioned I didn't think I was getting big enough. He noticed there wasn't a lot of amniotic fluid and sent us immediately for a proper scan.
    The scan showed our little girl hadn't been growing properly for some time. We had last minute genetic tests to rule out any issues before being scheduled in for an emergency C-section. Just minutes before the operation, the doctor checked and our little Emily no longer had a heartbeat. I then was induced and gave birth to her. We were able to spend some time with her and say goodbye. She was a beautiful, tiny, little girl. There didn't seem to be any specific problems, just that my placenta didn't develop properly after about 23/24 weeks and it was just bad luck? It is possible I had a clotting issue but those tests will come back in a few weeks.
    We have her funeral tomorrow - which will be very difficult for us.
    All we can think about is how unfair this is and how much we miss her and want her back in our lives - but have been overwhelmed with support from friends and family and also hearing about similar stories happening to other people. I didn't realise how common this was and how you can go on and have healthy babies afterwards.
    All we have ever wanted is to start a family together - and we want to start trying as soon as we can but also want to have time to grieve.
    I would love to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience and how you coped during this extremely difficult time.
    My thoughts are with anyone else going through the same thing.


  2. #2

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    Hey Doza,

    I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your precious little girl Emily
    My thoughts will be with you & your family tomorrow for her funeral.

    take care....
    Last edited by jlk; October 22nd, 2007 at 04:44 PM. Reason: Spelling

  3. #3

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    I am so sorry for your lose doza.
    I am sorry i do not have any advice for you but i am sure that someone here will. Letting you know that we are all here for you.

    Nikki

  4. #4

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    :hugs: I am so sorry to hear of your little Emily

  5. #5

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    Oh Doza, I am so sorry you have to go through this, it just isn't fair!
    Take the time you need to grieve, be kind to yourself and do whatever it is you're feeling, cry if you want to, scream if you want to but remember that you have your DH and many other loving people around you to support you through this awful time.
    Hugs to you my sweet
    xxx

  6. #6

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    Doza I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter Emily. You are in the early raw stages of grieving and you just need to take one day at a time. Tomorrow will be an extremely hard day and you will be in my thoughts.

    I lost my son Cooper last November at 37 weeks from a cord accident. I was told that it is very rare but this doesn't make it easier to understand how it happened and accept it. It is a hard decision of when to try again. Obviously you need the time to grieve but for me nearly a year on I am still grieving. I believe you will always grieve and no-one can tell you when the right time is to TTC. It is a personal decision and for me it was straight away because of my fertility problems. By trying again soon you are not replacing Emily, you are just trying to replace the hole in your heart that she has left and hopefully one day fill your empty aching arms. It isn't an easy journey and as you will see from my sig I am pg again. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Coops and fear of losing this bub too but with the wonderful support that I receive from the ladies here I am getting there..........day by day.

    It is so unfair that this happens and it is so cruel. Surround yourself with supportive people.

    When you feel ready join the girls in the TTC after Stillbirth thread. They are so wonderfully supportive and will help you through this painful and heartbreaking journey.

    Take the time to grieve - cry, scream, be angry - whatever it is you need to do, but take care of yourself.

    Luv & hugs
    Lynn
    xxxxxxxx

  7. #7

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    i am so so sorry to hear of your loss. it's simply heartbreaking...

  8. #8

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    Hi hun, you must be in shock. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes i just can't believe how unfair life can be at times. I am glad to hear you have a large support network, you will need them to help you through this. I hope little Emily's funeral is beautiful tomorrow, hugs to you.Look after yourself and DH.

  9. #9

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    Doza, I am so sorry to hear about your precious little girl Emily My heart goes out to you, tomorrow is going to be one of the hardest days and wish you all the strength to get through it. It really is hard to get your head around the fact that this can happen. It is something that we are not prepared for when pregnant, you get past that 12 weeks and just think everything is fine and I just wish we werent the "unlucky" ones who come to realise that just isnt true.

    About the clotting issue... I lost my son at 36w1d in September of last year and at first I was told it was "bad luck" and had all of the tests run which showed nothing. However, with the encouragement of my BB friends I sought a second opinion and found out I have a blood clotting condition called anticardiolipin antibodies. It caused a blood clot in the placenta. The antibodies were not found in my original bloods because they cannot be found until at least 6w post partum. It is not to say that you DO have a blood issue but I would definitely pass on the same advice I was given and that is to not rest until you are satisfied that you have got the answers you need. Sadly sometimes there are no answers, but we all need to make sure of that before we can "accept" it as true.

    I wish you so much strength for tomorrow as you say goodbye to your beautiful girl. If you need anything we are all here for you. And as Lynn said, if and when you feel like it come over to the TTC after recurrent miscarriage/late loss/stillbirth thread. Not everyone in there was TTC when they first got involved. It really is not just a TTC thread but more a support thread.

    :hugs: to you.

    Mel

  10. #10

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    Dear Doza,
    I know words can never really help. I can't properly imagine what you are going through but twice I thought I had lost my bub (once early in the pg and then during birth) and when I hear your story, I have that same feeling all over again. I am so sp sorry for your loss. I want to wish you all strong thoughts for tomorrow. We will all be thinking of you.

  11. #11

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    Dear Doza

    I am sorry to hear about Emily. It is just tragic news and something we dont expect to happen to us (or anyone we know). But unfortunately it does happen. I will be thinking of you tomorrow as you say your final goodbye to Emily. It will be tough but know that she will be with you forever. Just keep talking about her and how you feel as it is going to be tough...but the pain does ease over time.

    We lost our Thomas last xmas in labour, after my waters broke. They called it an unexplained stillbirth and all that they could find was that the placenta was more in line with a 35 week gestation rather than 39 weeks (so perhaps the placenta stopped growing in our case and we just missed him making it- but that we will never know). He was just under 7pounds but a good, healthy size when he was delivered. Bad luck perhaps or is this just the way life is for some of us ???

    It is still very early and raw for you and may seem quite surreal. It still seems surreal for me (i often have to question myself "we DID have a baby boy last year and he died"...). There is so much support here from mums and dads who have gone through the same loss as you so jump on here when you need to to vent and feelings you have. Also, if you can, get in touch with your local Sids & Kids support group for face-to-face support.

    Will be thinking of you tomorrow. XXX

  12. #12

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    Doza, Tommysmum had a good suggestion. My DH and I are involved with Sids and Kids in Melbourne, as well as one of the other girls on here Klee (who I am sure will post to you as soon as she reads this), and I have met some other wonderful people who really have helped me get through. We have monthly support meetings and it is a place where you can go and talk with people who understand what you are going through. Everyone is so kind and loving. If you want to find out about the meetings you can get the Melbourne number from Sids and Kids

    Again, you are in my thoughts for tomorrow

  13. #13
    missing_u_bub Guest

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    Doza,

    So sorry to hear about your loss, deepest sympathy to you and your DH.

    We lost our second daughter at 32 weeks from an infection. The easiest part of the grief for me was the first week or two. It sounds so pathetic and uncaring i know but honestly it was. Although you go through the motions of saying goodbye for the last time and the funeral but I always had that little voice telling me this isnt real shes going to be bought to me any moment now and its all been a mistake. It wasnt until it finally hit me that she wasnt did it really kick in. The emotional rollercoaster was terrible. Just seeing another baby would make me cry. I keep thinking why were other people allowed their littleones and I wasnt. Its all normal you feel hurt, angry, frustrated and the most hardest is blaming yourself. Its extremely hard for a few months but slowly you heal. The best way for me to look at it was she was in heaven, lucky enough she has been taken to a better place and will not have to go through the terrible things that life can bring such as what us as parents are going through right now. I also used to imagine talking to her in a park or on the beach at night as I was falling asleep. It did wonders as crazy as it might seem.

    It never goes away but slowly over time you will notice it slows down. You start to not think so much about the actual loss and more about you little one in a happy delightful way but the pain will drift in every so often and it does break you down once again.

    I am really sorry and do wish you the best.

    "Our little angels are sitting up their looking down and one day we will be doing the same with their hands in ours"

  14. #14

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    Doza, I'm so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. I will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow as you say goodbye to your precious Emily. Just remember that she is and will be with you always xx

  15. #15

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    Doza

    I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your darling little girl Emily. It breaks my heart to learn that another family is going through the pain of losing a child. I lost my son Harrison at 36wks 2 days, he had some medical issues but we thought that he would be born healthy and may just need some help as he grew up. The moment they told me he was gone is a moment that will stay with me forever. The pain feels like it will never dull, it almost seems that just getting through the day is an impossble feat, but as you travel the path of grief, some ok days start to come and then a good day happens. Just be kind to yourself, it is ok to be sad, angry, mad, confused, numb. It will slowly get better but you will always be Emily's Mummy anf she wll always love you as her mother.

    Tomorrow I will light a candle for Emily. Just hang in there sweetie, we are here for you and you are not alone.

    Lv Spring

  16. #16

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    Doza,
    I was so sorry to read this, I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl Emily.
    I will light a candle too, in rememberance of her and in sympathy for your family.
    Big hugs,
    xxx

  17. #17

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    Doza

    I am so sorry to hear the loss of your beautiful baby girl emily i feel for you so much and i am sending big hugs to you. I lost my little girl brooklyn at 23 wks and it was the hardest thing in the world i went for my routine 20wk scan to find out i didnt have alot of fluid around her and that she had cysits all over her kidneys i was told she would never survive the outside world as her lungs would never develop so at 23 wks i gave birth to her she was so tiny but so perfect i spent 2 hr with her and got some little pics of her i to had a funeral and it was so hard knowing that it was my baby i was saying goodbye to. i lost my little girl july 2006 and i am still grieving now it is a long process i have seeked councelling as i just couldnt deal with it on my own i think the one thing i should have done was just cry when i needed and talk to people about how i felt i think you and your partner should always tell one another how your feeling and support one another its great you have all the support from you family and friends it makes the world of difference i hope you get through her funeral as well as you can and remember give yourself time my thoughts are with you at this sad time always hear to talk.

    Take care

    Munchy xxx

  18. #18

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    oh Doza, i am so sorry for your loss of Emily. i wish my tears could help your pain. as difficult as your day tomorrow will be, you will one day treasure the time you took to honor her short time with you and your dh. all of the parents of angel babies here on bb will be with you in spirit.

    i guess my advice on how to cope with this incredible pain is to feel whatever you are feeling and allow those feelings their own time. i guess that sounds silly, but some of the feelings are so painful (anger, depression) or usually shameful (jealousy) that is is difficult to accept that they come from within. but they are all, unfortunately, normal for this process. sometimes even within the same hour. let yourself feel them and express them, get through them. i think that is what living through grief means.

    my husband and i lost our first child at 39 weeks via a cord accident. we too went to a regular prenatal and were told our son had died. it still hurts me more deeply than i can find words to express. i know i was in shock for many months and felt the deepest depression and anger i have ever felt. but when i started to have more good days than bad during a week, i knew that it was time for us to try again. we also had the biological clock against us, so that sped us up more than we would have otherwise taken. it is so different for everyone, only you will know when you and your dh are ready to try. some wait longer, some don't. whatever is right for you is good.

    please know that you aren't alone, and that there is much support out there for you when you need it. the ttc thread for multiple miscarriage late loss and stillbirth has been a lifeline for me, and also a group in my town that meets monthly. you may need some time alone to digest your situation, or you may need support right away. no matter when, there will be support for you if you need it. i also agree with Mel above, try to find the answers for your own peace of mind and for possible future pregnancies. it is your body and your baby, you have the right to question.

    i am so sorry that you have to live through this pain, my dear. please take good care of yourself. xxoom

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