Oh hun, I can't imagine what you have been through . I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious girls. I've lost my little boy at 20 weeks and I have blamed myself so much in the begining after losing him. After all, I was supposed to protect him from all harm.
I did the housework while pregnant, I drove my car, I often lifted a heavy watering can, I climbed many stairs, I did preggie yoga with crazy poses some of which did not feel that good!!! But the truth is, nothing I did took away my son. Nothing. Nothing you did took away your little girls. Nothing! I can't stress this enough. Please don't blame yourself hun, it's so easy to do and the self blame eats away at our hearts.
When I mentioned all these 'blames' to my psychologist, she told me it's so natural to do, and most women do it after they lose a baby. But it's not their fault. She said that some women work right up to their delivery, some stand on their feet all day (like hairdressers) some do heavy manual labour every day, some do heavy lifting often, yet they go on to deliver heathy babies.
Please don't feel like you've let your partner down, as I kept apoligising to my DF when I lost Joshua and he couldn't believe I even thought these thoughts. Again, it's guilt. But we musn't feel guilty because it's not our fault.
I pray that God sends you strength, courage and healing to continue on your journey. I pray that you don't blame yourself as you've done nothing wrong. I pray for your broken heart to heal. And I pray for your little angels in heaven.
Love
Beata xxxxxxxxxx