Hun, you're feeling horrible because you're still feeling the guilt, plus you are now grieving for Emily all these months late like you said. Have you spoken to a grief councellor or someone from Sands or even Sids and Kids? Sands in particular, have people who can talk to you and understand where you're coming from as every peron there has had a loss themselves, be it a miscarriage, still birth or neo natal death. I would highhly reccommend that you speak with someone like this hun, as it feels so much better to be speaking to someone who has gone through a similar experience. I started seeing a psychologist 3 weeks after I lost Joshua and I still see her to this day. I can't tell you how much she has helped me. I went to my local GP who wrote me a refferal so the sessions are a part of a government founded scheme. There are free councillors around too (like Sands and Sids) who are excellent.
Hun, don't carry all this grief by yourself. There are a lot of people out there that can help you through it, and they really understand.
And you know we are all here for you too, anytime you want to talk hun.
Take care & big hugs
Beata xxxxx