I think I need to rant.

[Bondi_Girl]

Okay, I feel like I really need to rant, but I don't think I'm ready to "rant" it to my friends, workmates and partner, even though I really should be rather than here. So I guess I could here anyway?

I had my first miscarriage, Emily at 16 Weeks in September 2008, following a car accident. Following this, I felt so guilty seeing as I was the one driving even though I wasn't in the wrong. But I was the one driving. I was the one who had control of the vehicle. I ruined the night, killed my daughter and ruined that portion of my life, as well as my fiancee's. As each day passed, it seemed somewhat easier, like every day a bit of weight was taken off my shoulders, and returned to work as soon as I could. But not all of this weight was taken off. In December 2008 I found out I was pregnant again. I felt so guilty. I had only just lost my first daughter, and I had already fallen pregnant again? For weeks I felt horrible. But eventually I picked myself up and remembered that I'm lucky. There's so many other couples that don't have this chance! I didn't put Emily behind me, but I slowly had to think, she's gone, she's not coming back. But I won't forget her.

And so, the second pregnancy went on, and on. I was so happy, I really thought this would be it. But on February 3rd, my world came crashing down, when I again miscarried. Halle was only 15 Weeks. How could I have done this AGAIN? I feel as if I have done something really wrong. At first I thought maybe it was punishment from my first loss because I was the one driving. But I soon realised that, no it wasn't punishment. What happened, happened.

But this time I don't seem to be coping as I did with Emily's loss. I feel as if each day is going completly opposite, backwards. It feels harder to work - especially seeing as I work in the same hospital where both these miscarriages, I guess, were "based". Or however you'd say it. It also feels so much harder to talk to anyone else. Which is why I'm on here rather than speaking to them. I don't have the guts to do it yet, I'm not ready, and I think I need time off work again. Aghhh I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to cope when Emily's due date comes around next month. We'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks for reading, I just really needed to talk, or type. I just had to let it out, for the time being. I'm not looking for any sympathy I really just needed to do it.

Thankyou xxx

[aussienic]

I just wanted to offer you a hug... I hope someone can come by and offer some words of comfort for you soon

I am sorry for your Losses

[maybe baby]

That's awful - lots of love and comfort for you

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Aww sweetheart Thank you so much for sharing your story

Losing one baby is horrendous enough, but to lose two in such a short time is indescribable, i'm so sorry. You said you blamed yourself for Emily's death, and felt that losing Halle was punishment for driving the car. You also said you realise what happened, happened - but I wonder if your heart realises this? You say you 'ruined the night, and that portion of your fiancee's life' - I would say it was whoever hit you! We can be the best driver in the world, but it only takes one idiot to bring it all down

Having lost your babies so close, I'm not surprised you're having a harder time with Halle, because you're probably still grieving for Emily as well, KWIM? If you need to take time off, you should absolutely do it. Take a couple of weeks, and cry, scream, hit something, whatever helps you release this pressure. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we have dealt with something, when we've actually just managed to cover it over. But the problem is, when you cover over something, it'll always come back later, and it'll be worse.

Nobody else would blame you for either tragedy - you need to look inside yourself and make sure you're not still blaming yourself either!

PM me if you want to talk

[Glamourcide]

I just want you to know that I really feel for you. I had an early miscarriage shortly after the birth of my daughter (who is also named Emily - you have good taste in names!) so I have some concept of what it feels like to lose a child, but I think for me it was a bit too early, I didn't really *feel* it, you know?

Please don't blame yourself for your losses. These things are out of our control, even things like car accidents (whether you were driving or not - just think, if you had been a passenger you would be forever beating yourself up for getting in the car with that driver, kwim?), so please don't feel guilty or blame yourself for something that is just out of your hands.

I can't imagine how it must feel to go to work every day and be in the place where such tragic things have happened to you. I don't know if I could be strong enough to do it.

I'm not sure that I can offer any valid advice to you to help you heal, but I definitely think you need to feel it and grieve properly, not just try and sweep it under the carpet and pretend you're okay. We're all here for you if you can't talk to anybody around you IRL (and let's face it, I'm sure there are sooo many of us, myself included, who use this forum to talk about things that we can't discuss with our loved ones), I know nothing I have to say can really help you begin to heal but I just want you to know that I'm incredibly sorry for your losses, and that I hope you can find a way in time to cope with your feelings.
If it helps any, I'm thinking of you and despite being about as far from religious as you can get, I'll say a little prayer for your darling babies. I hope you're okay and that you can get the help you need to not only move forward, but to deal with this
*hugs*

[Je$$_84]

Oh hun i was in tears readying your story. i too have angel babies but not from the same situation as you. It was a huge fear of mine while pregnant with my DD as i worked up til the end and the driving to work etc.

Any loss wether it be an early or late loss is very difficult to go through and no matter what the circumstances it is an emotional time.

Okay, I feel like I really need to rant, but I don't think I'm ready to "rant" it to my friends, workmates and partner, even though I really should be rather than here

I know its a difficult time but talking about it helps to work through your emotions and helps come to terms with what has happened. It will never be easy and will always hurt but opening up and releasing all that bottled up feelings will release alot of that pressure and guilt.

You said your self the accident wasnt your fault. Yes you were the driver but it wasnt like YOU hurt your baby on purpose.

But I was the one driving. I was the one who had control of the vehicle. I ruined the night, killed my daughter and ruined that portion of my life, as well as my fiancee's

Does your DF know this is how you feel??? what happened to your angel emily was an accident. I know it doesnt change how you feel but it was beyond your control. I really think you need to maybe get some councelling and work through this pain. its hard enough dealing with one loss let alone 2 close together.

With my losses i kept them to myself and never spoke about it til one day the anniversary of my 2nd came round and i lost it. i just couldnt cope. i broke down and no one knew why. After lots of talking with friends and family they helped me see that it wasnt anything i did and there was nothing i could do to change it. It sucks i know. its not fair and it hurts that suck an innocent soul has gone. A friend suggested we have a little "ceremony" type thing where i spoke about my lost babies we also released a white baloon into the sky as a symbol of my baby floating up to heaven. I think you need to find a way to forgive yourself and give yourself a chance to grieve for the loss of Emily and Halle. Please speak with someone. If your not ready for your friends and family PM me and i will help anyway i can. You should go through this in the dark hun.

[diannescruffy]

Hi and welcome to BB. I'm so very sorry for your losses. Please don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault. I think it's a natural instinct for us to blame ourselves when things like this happen. I lost Emmanuel at 24wks and I too went through a stage of blaming myself. I'm so glad you found us here as you really need to talk about it and I know how hard it can be talking to family and friends as unless you've actually experienced a loss they just don't understand. I really feel your pain. Just take day by day, don't worry about tomorrow and grieve in any way you know how. Take care.

Regards,
Dianne

[blessedatlast]

Oh babe,
I really feel for you.. I am so sorry for your losses.. Do not blame yourself tho I know, (because I am going thru extreme guilt now) that sometimes you just do.. I do think you should try and talk to your fiancee about how you feel if you haven't as he would quite possibly be grieving too.. Probably not the same (I know my partner and I are grieving totally differently) but the fact is you both have lost 2 babies and you need to grieve in your own way. Take time off if you want and you can always come in here for support.. I find friends can be great but if they haven't gone thru a similar thing it is hard for them to understand.. Also I find no one knows me in here.. I can write how I feel and not feel I am going to be judged.. Sometimes it's easier to let your heart out to people you don't know and then you never have to talk to them again if you don't want.. I don't know if I have made much sense but I am just trying to relate my own experience in dealing with the one thing a mother should never have to deal with..

[Miss.B]

Oh hun, I can't imagine what you have been through . I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious girls. I've lost my little boy at 20 weeks and I have blamed myself so much in the begining after losing him. After all, I was supposed to protect him from all harm.
I did the housework while pregnant, I drove my car, I often lifted a heavy watering can, I climbed many stairs, I did preggie yoga with crazy poses some of which did not feel that good!!! But the truth is, nothing I did took away my son. Nothing. Nothing you did took away your little girls. Nothing! I can't stress this enough. Please don't blame yourself hun, it's so easy to do and the self blame eats away at our hearts.
When I mentioned all these 'blames' to my psychologist, she told me it's so natural to do, and most women do it after they lose a baby. But it's not their fault. She said that some women work right up to their delivery, some stand on their feet all day (like hairdressers) some do heavy manual labour every day, some do heavy lifting often, yet they go on to deliver heathy babies.
Please don't feel like you've let your partner down, as I kept apoligising to my DF when I lost Joshua and he couldn't believe I even thought these thoughts. Again, it's guilt. But we musn't feel guilty because it's not our fault.
I pray that God sends you strength, courage and healing to continue on your journey. I pray that you don't blame yourself as you've done nothing wrong. I pray for your broken heart to heal. And I pray for your little angels in heaven.
Love
Beata xxxxxxxxxx

[Bondi_Girl]

Thankyou, ladies. Really, thankyou. Thankyou for reading and sending the love, I feel much better after typing all of that and hearing what you all had to say. I of course still feel horrible, but better than before. I guess it was just building and building up and I had to let some of it go, KWIM? I'm taking a few weeks off work, at least until after Emily's due date comes around, and my fiancee and I have decided on that day, to have a small ceremony in the park with some close friends & family.

Thankyou for your throughts and prayers, and I send mine back to all of your angel babies too. xoxo

[Miss.B]

Hun, taking time off work is a good idea I think. I took 6 weeks off work (I was lucky as I have plenty of long service leave) and it was the best thing I did. Mum was on my case after 3 weeks to go back to work as she thought I just sat there feeling sorry for myself, but i just couldn't cope with work, with anyone really. Then I started to feel a bit like my old self and I actually started to feel a little bit bored, and then I knew I was ready to face my work mates and my customers. I work in customer service, so I just coudn't imagine answering the phone calls all cheery and happy when I wasn't.
Hun, please don't feel horrible, be kind to yourself. You are still grieving and that will take some time. When people stop grieving too soon, or just don't grieve at all (they hide their feelings and are in denial) it's so much worse as the grief does catch up to them at some later stage. It could be a few months or even years later.

Hun, one day at a time, little steps, might be one step forward and two steps back for a while, but you will get there. And you'll find happiness again, and your heart will mend.
Take care lovely, you are a very strong person to survive what you did, and seek support from others which is so very important. If it wasn't for the beautiful girls here on BB who have supported me through my own loss, I don't think I would be where I am today.

Love
Beata xxxxxx

[Bondi_Girl]

Mhm, I really do hate feeling horrible like this, but I'm stuck as to how to stop it? I guess it'll die down a bit after a while. When Emily died, the only time I took off was to recover from the injuries in the car accident, so I never really grieved properly so I put it away and now it's come out, like you said beata70, a few months later.

I hope things will get back to normal - well feel normal thankyou so much!

xoxoxox

[Miss.B]

Hun, you're feeling horrible because you're still feeling the guilt, plus you are now grieving for Emily all these months late like you said. Have you spoken to a grief councellor or someone from Sands or even Sids and Kids? Sands in particular, have people who can talk to you and understand where you're coming from as every peron there has had a loss themselves, be it a miscarriage, still birth or neo natal death. I would highhly reccommend that you speak with someone like this hun, as it feels so much better to be speaking to someone who has gone through a similar experience. I started seeing a psychologist 3 weeks after I lost Joshua and I still see her to this day. I can't tell you how much she has helped me. I went to my local GP who wrote me a refferal so the sessions are a part of a government founded scheme. There are free councillors around too (like Sands and Sids) who are excellent.
Hun, don't carry all this grief by yourself. There are a lot of people out there that can help you through it, and they really understand.
And you know we are all here for you too, anytime you want to talk hun.
Take care & big hugs
Beata xxxxx

[Visitor8]

oh hun! I don't know what you are going though so I can't offer any advice but I just wanted to say big hugs to you.

[Bondi_Girl]

No, I haven't seen any counsellor. I was offered a number of times while I was in hospital after the car accident for Emily, but I guess I just wasn't in the mood to listen and I thought (I have proven myself wrong) that I could get on with it by myself. At the moment, DF is trying to get me to see one as I won't speak to him about anything. I want to talk to him, I want to see a counsellor, but again there's something telling me I don't.
Thankyou baeta. xoxo

& thankyou too, missymoo.

[kristi14]

So sorry to hear of your losses, it must be so hard to lose 2 so close together and at similar gestation

Please dont blame yourself. Be kind to yourself. And take your time to grieve, its very important. Take it from me, who didnt do it proparly and paid for it later on down the track.

Grief counselling would be a good idea if you can get access to it.

Thinking of you

[Bondi_Girl]

thankyou kristi. (: i think I'm getting it together now, and I'm going to see a counsellor. (: (: (: