Unfortunately I'm joining you.

[KAM]

I'm sorry for your loss Hoping and Praying,

But I need to get somethings out of my head.

I hate myself, I fight with my husband everyday and wonder every second what I could have done better. Maybe I shouldn't have lifted such heavy things or had such hot showers, maybe I should have rested more and it goes on and on. They keep telling me that it wasn't my fault and yeah maybe they're right but they don't know why she left us so they can't say with 100% certainty that it wasn't my fault.

I loved Isabel, I wanted Isabel but I was told that by having a baby my life would be over and as the pregnancy progressed and things started getting harder (feeling sick, having trouble tying my shoe laces etc) I started to believe them. I started to complain, about feeling sick about not having the same freedoms about having trouble finding clothes, every little thing.

My husband recently told me that occassionally he would doubt whether I really wanted her because of the things I would say. But I loved her and I wanted her and now I hate myself. I shouldn't have listened I shouldn't have complained I should have enjoyed it, appreciated it and realised how lucky I was. Instead I'm left wondering if she knew that I loved her and didn't mean it, and wondering if the stress if the horrible things I said could have contributed to her leaving.

I hate myself for thinking of trying again (this is meant to be Isabel's time) and I'm worried that by the time I'm ready I'll be to old.

I hate resenting everyone thats expecting or has a family. Even things like the Huggies ads and walking past the local baby store cut me.

I can't even let my husband touch my tummy because it's not right she's not in there anymore, I'm just a empty shell.

there's so much more I would like to say but I don't know how to get it out at the moment and I'm sure this is more than long enough (thanks for reading).

It's killing me inside.