I hate myself, I fight with my husband everyday and wonder every second what I could have done better. Maybe I shouldn't have lifted such heavy things or had such hot showers, maybe I should have rested more and it goes on and on. They keep telling me that it wasn't my fault and yeah maybe they're right but they don't know why she left us so they can't say with 100% certainty that it wasn't my fault.
I loved Isabel, I wanted Isabel but I was told that by having a baby my life would be over and as the pregnancy progressed and things started getting harder (feeling sick, having trouble tying my shoe laces etc) I started to believe them. I started to complain, about feeling sick about not having the same freedoms about having trouble finding clothes, every little thing.
My husband recently told me that occassionally he would doubt whether I really wanted her because of the things I would say. But I loved her and I wanted her and now I hate myself. I shouldn't have listened I shouldn't have complained I should have enjoyed it, appreciated it and realised how lucky I was. Instead I'm left wondering if she knew that I loved her and didn't mean it, and wondering if the stress if the horrible things I said could have contributed to her leaving.
I hate myself for thinking of trying again (this is meant to be Isabel's time) and I'm worried that by the time I'm ready I'll be to old.
I hate resenting everyone thats expecting or has a family. Even things like the Huggies ads and walking past the local baby store cut me.
I can't even let my husband touch my tummy because it's not right she's not in there anymore, I'm just a empty shell.
there's so much more I would like to say but I don't know how to get it out at the moment and I'm sure this is more than long enough (thanks for reading).
It's killing me inside.
Last edited by KAM; February 27th, 2009 at 08:15 PM.
Oh Kam, I can feel the anguish in your words, and my heart just breaks for you . Sweetie, as hard as it is to accept now, you have done nothing wrong to lose your precious daughter. She has come here for a very brief time to be with you, and now she went back to heaven. There she will stay until she is ready to come back to you some other time.
When I was pregnant with Joshua, I complained about a lot of things. Can't eat this anymore. My back is sore. Can't tie up my shoes without pain in my belly. Can't imagine going 9 months with this uncomfortable feeling. Winge after half an hour of walking. The list goes on. Then when I lost him, I blamed myself every day. I shouldn't have lifted that watering can. I shouldn't have vaccumed. I shouldn't have eaten all this spicy food. I should have rested more, not walked constantly for more than 2 hours at a time. The list goes on and on.
One day, I stopped and really thought about all these feelings I felt. And I felt guilty of complaining all the time when he was still here. Now I accept that I took my little boy somewhat for granted. Did I know he was going to die at 20 weeks? No.
I then thought about all the things I wished I hadn't done. The truth is, none of the things I did took away my little son. These were my excuses and something to blame, but I know now there is nothing and no one to blame.
So hun, it will take you a while still to come to accept the loss of your precious daughter. But you will one day, and the sorrow in your heart will start melting away.
We are changed forever, our sense of loss won't go away. But it won't eat away at your heart like it is now. Time will heal your broken heart, and the happiness will come to you again. For now, grieve for your daughter openly, and allow your husband to grieve too. Together you are a pillar of strength to each other, and together you will get through this pain. Isabel is a very lucky little girl to have such wonderful and loving parents like you. And from heaven she will always smile at you with her little twin brother or sister, and give you a little wave. And in your heart they will forever live.
All my love
Beata xxxx
Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for loss of Isabel and her twin
Isabel knew her parents loved and wanted her, no matter how much you complained about the pregnancy I'm sure you had a lot of positive feelings as well.
A very close friend of mine lost her little girl @ 32wks just before mothers day (years ago now) and I remember calling her to check up on her only to hear she had dissapeared, after a few hours I found her and she said she was devestated that no one wished her a happy mothers day....Of course everyone was worried about how she would feel and thought she would be worse off if they mentioned anything at all. I encouraged my friend to talk about it, I lost a friend when I was 12 and had no one to talk to when I needed it which caused a lot of problems as I was growing up, I didn't want her to go through what I did.
Talk openly about how you are feeling with your family if you are comfortable to do so, I can't talk from your POV but I know from the other side ppl don't want to cause you more grief. Maybe they are waiting for you to talk about it first?
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. Sweetie, as hard as it is to accept now, you have done nothing wrong to lose your precious daughter. She has come here for a very brief time to be with you, and now she went back to heaven. There she will stay until she is ready to come back to you some other time.
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