Last year I found out that I was pregnant with twins, My husband and I were over the moon, we were ready for a family. But by the time we went for our 12 week ultrasound one of our babies had died. We were devestated and everyone was so insensitive they would say things like "well at least you've got one healthy baby", but it was our baby to. The last time we saw it alive on ultrasound it had the same heart rate and measured the same length etc as it's twin, it was just as strong and just as alive. Now its all but forgotten as a member of our family, by everyone but me it seems.
Sure we had a ruff pregnancy after the loss of the twin we had to have an amnio, we were told our baby would have a turned foot and I need more suppliments than I was taking. But we where told all of this could be fixed and that everything was fine. We were given a clean bill of health right up until the 12th of February.
On Thursday I went to the doctor because I hadn't felt any movement since Tuesday. The doctor (not my usual one) took a long time to find a heart beat but she said she found it and that everything was ok, she was so very wrong. She sent us to the hospital to be sure and after everyone couldn't find a heart beat I was sent for an ultrasound that confirmed we lost our other baby at 30 wks
Our daughter Isabel was stillborn on Valentine's Day after being induced the day before. We've since had a funeral, but even now it feels like everyone is moving on, forgeting, like no one cares anymore. I don't understand we wanted her so much we could have offered so much.
Why do other people get to keep there babies, but not us? Why did we have to go through the difficulties of pregnancy and labour and not get to keep her at the end of it all?
It's just all so very unfair, and I'm so lost now.
Im so sorry for your loss. Im sorry I can not add any words of wisdom, just that I believe what happened to you is so unfair and I am thinking of you and hubby during this time.
I'm so very sorry for your losses. I wish I had words to take away your pain. Life does seem so unfair sometimes and unfortunately as much as we would like the world to stop, it does go on. Your precious angels will always be close to your heart, so know that they are near you forever. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Kam - I am so very, very sorry for the loss of both your babies. Life is unfair at times and no one should have to go through the loss of a child or children. I am thinking of you and your family. Please take care
I remember when I was in labour with one of my children, I spent some time in the coffee room comforting a woman who was watching her own daughter give birth to a child that had already left. She was truly shattered and grieving the loss of her grandson, and so heartbroken for her daughter, but every time it got too much for her, she would leave the room and I would be waiting there for her. She felt she needed to be strong for her daughter, and not let her daughter see her upset. Most of all, she didn't want her daughter to feel like she had to feel guilty for her mothers grief too.
I also know from personal experience, that at least at first my family had the immediate feeling that perhaps we shouldnt talk about it. Take this song out of the playlist, it would remind them of her. Don't bring it up, we don't want to worsen their grief. It takes the right person to tell them - that is the absolute worst thing they can do.
I was given the most valuable information ever by the lady during my own grief councelling when my niece became an Angel from SIDS. "Yes, losing their baby has hurt them beyond belief. But trying to protect them from their grief by not mentioning her - or pretending she didn't exist is going to hurt them even more."
Perhaps get some of the extended family grief assistance books from the SIDS website and give them to your family "Just in case they need help too". It might just help.
Kam, oh honey, I am so so sorry . I can't even imagine what you went through to lose two precious bubs. Life is unfair, lets not kid ourselves. Unfortunately, I wear rose coloured glasses most of the time, but even I was so rudely awoken when I experienced my own loss. I birthed my own son at only 20 weeks along, and I thought God was so cruel to take away my little baby. There were so many terrible and sad and guilty emotions I went through days, weeks and even months following Joshua's death. But with time I came to accept that yes, life is very unfair, and some women do get to keep their babies, it just wasn't me this time. But our time will come someday, and our new babies will help us heal and fill our hearts with love again. And bring new joy to our lives.
I aso felt that people were forgetting too soon, didn't feel comfortable talking about my loss. So I talked about it, and I forced them to acknowledge my son. He existed, and was so loved, I wanted them to understand that. I just feel so disappointed that my own family wasn't more supportive through my loss.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, and with your two precious angel babies.
Beata xxxx
I came on here looking to find someone to talk to someone in the same boat as me but it looks like the majority of you have had a much harder time than i have.
My partner and i had a miscarriage last year. We were only 14 weeks gone but its amaizing how quickly you change your thoughts of the future and u dont think of life without thinking of being a parent. We went for our 12 week scan to be told that our baby didnt have a heart beat and that it had passed away inside me at 8 weeks. It destroyed me i felt i wasnt even able to miscarry properly .
I had to go 4 a D&C which made me so angry as i wasnt convinced that my baby didnt have a heart beat. I didnt think any1 had the write to take my baby away.
Their is a big part of me that feels guilty because although i think of my baby every day i am desperate to fall pregnant again. I wasnt always like this but now i think i would be happy to be told i was expecting again. Then their is the other part of me that worries incase i have to go through it all again or even worse than i have experienced as i know it couldve been alot worse for my partner and i.
Does the angel on 1 shoulder and devil on the other ever go away
So sorry to hear of your loss, it must have been heartbreaking to have lost both at seperate times
I know what its like when you are told they have found a heartbeat and you are fine. You breath that sigh of relief and relax............only to be told shortly after your baby has passed. I think that blow makes it hit so hard and makes it very hard for you to trust again. I had that happen to me, i relaxed for a week, only to go to my 19wk scan and be told my baby had passed and for a while now, so when i was told she was ok, she had been gone then. I find it so hard to trust because of that.
Please take your time to grieve, its very important. And talk about them as much as you want to. And do as many things as you feel you need to, to preserve their memory. There is a wonderful memorial website you can create, if you havent already. PM me for the link if you would like it.
I am so sorry for your loss hun, it is the same for a woman who has lost a baby at 6 weeks, or 12 weeks or 20 weeks! The loss we feel is so real, as our litle baby is no longer here. I lost my son at 20 weeks, but I would have been just as devastated if I lost him earlier.
It's OK to want another baby soon after a loss. It's only been 5 months for me since I lost Joshua but for the last 3 I have so longed to be pregnant again. I don't want to replace my little boy, he was here for a very short time, and his mission here on earth has been accomplished. I long for another baby because I would love to raise a family of my own. I don't have any earth children of my own (although my DF has 3 adult grown up from his first marriage). Having your partner's kids in your life is just not the same. I want to change pooey napies, soothe my crying baby, and all the other bits that come with having a baby!! I am so ready!!
So don't feel guilty, it is a strong desire for so many women, and for women like us, and nothing should stop us achieving our dream.
I wish you the very best in achieving your pregnancy, and being able to hold that beautiful bub in your arms soon.
I hate myself, I fight with my husband everyday and wonder every second what I could have done better. Maybe I shouldn't have lifted such heavy things or had such hot showers, maybe I should have rested more and it goes on and on. They keep telling me that it wasn't my fault and yeah maybe they're right but they don't know why she left us so they can't say with 100% certainty that it wasn't my fault.
I loved Isabel, I wanted Isabel but I was told that by having a baby my life would be over and as the pregnancy progressed and things started getting harder (feeling sick, having trouble tying my shoe laces etc) I started to believe them. I started to complain, about feeling sick about not having the same freedoms about having trouble finding clothes, every little thing.
My husband recently told me that occassionally he would doubt whether I really wanted her because of the things I would say. But I loved her and I wanted her and now I hate myself. I shouldn't have listened I shouldn't have complained I should have enjoyed it, appreciated it and realised how lucky I was. Instead I'm left wondering if she knew that I loved her and didn't mean it, and wondering if the stress if the horrible things I said could have contributed to her leaving.
I hate myself for thinking of trying again (this is meant to be Isabel's time) and I'm worried that by the time I'm ready I'll be to old.
I hate resenting everyone thats expecting or has a family. Even things like the Huggies ads and walking past the local baby store cut me.
I can't even let my husband touch my tummy because it's not right she's not in there anymore, I'm just a empty shell.
there's so much more I would like to say but I don't know how to get it out at the moment and I'm sure this is more than long enough (thanks for reading).
It's killing me inside.
Last edited by KAM; February 27th, 2009 at 08:15 PM.
Oh Kam, I can feel the anguish in your words, and my heart just breaks for you . Sweetie, as hard as it is to accept now, you have done nothing wrong to lose your precious daughter. She has come here for a very brief time to be with you, and now she went back to heaven. There she will stay until she is ready to come back to you some other time.
When I was pregnant with Joshua, I complained about a lot of things. Can't eat this anymore. My back is sore. Can't tie up my shoes without pain in my belly. Can't imagine going 9 months with this uncomfortable feeling. Winge after half an hour of walking. The list goes on. Then when I lost him, I blamed myself every day. I shouldn't have lifted that watering can. I shouldn't have vaccumed. I shouldn't have eaten all this spicy food. I should have rested more, not walked constantly for more than 2 hours at a time. The list goes on and on.
One day, I stopped and really thought about all these feelings I felt. And I felt guilty of complaining all the time when he was still here. Now I accept that I took my little boy somewhat for granted. Did I know he was going to die at 20 weeks? No.
I then thought about all the things I wished I hadn't done. The truth is, none of the things I did took away my little son. These were my excuses and something to blame, but I know now there is nothing and no one to blame.
So hun, it will take you a while still to come to accept the loss of your precious daughter. But you will one day, and the sorrow in your heart will start melting away.
We are changed forever, our sense of loss won't go away. But it won't eat away at your heart like it is now. Time will heal your broken heart, and the happiness will come to you again. For now, grieve for your daughter openly, and allow your husband to grieve too. Together you are a pillar of strength to each other, and together you will get through this pain. Isabel is a very lucky little girl to have such wonderful and loving parents like you. And from heaven she will always smile at you with her little twin brother or sister, and give you a little wave. And in your heart they will forever live.
All my love
Beata xxxx
Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for loss of Isabel and her twin
Isabel knew her parents loved and wanted her, no matter how much you complained about the pregnancy I'm sure you had a lot of positive feelings as well.
A very close friend of mine lost her little girl @ 32wks just before mothers day (years ago now) and I remember calling her to check up on her only to hear she had dissapeared, after a few hours I found her and she said she was devestated that no one wished her a happy mothers day....Of course everyone was worried about how she would feel and thought she would be worse off if they mentioned anything at all. I encouraged my friend to talk about it, I lost a friend when I was 12 and had no one to talk to when I needed it which caused a lot of problems as I was growing up, I didn't want her to go through what I did.
Talk openly about how you are feeling with your family if you are comfortable to do so, I can't talk from your POV but I know from the other side ppl don't want to cause you more grief. Maybe they are waiting for you to talk about it first?
Unfortunately I'm joining you.
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. Sweetie, as hard as it is to accept now, you have done nothing wrong to lose your precious daughter. She has come here for a very brief time to be with you, and now she went back to heaven. There she will stay until she is ready to come back to you some other time.
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