Oh Kam, I can feel the anguish in your words, and my heart just breaks for you . Sweetie, as hard as it is to accept now, you have done nothing wrong to lose your precious daughter. She has come here for a very brief time to be with you, and now she went back to heaven. There she will stay until she is ready to come back to you some other time.
When I was pregnant with Joshua, I complained about a lot of things. Can't eat this anymore. My back is sore. Can't tie up my shoes without pain in my belly. Can't imagine going 9 months with this uncomfortable feeling. Winge after half an hour of walking. The list goes on. Then when I lost him, I blamed myself every day. I shouldn't have lifted that watering can. I shouldn't have vaccumed. I shouldn't have eaten all this spicy food. I should have rested more, not walked constantly for more than 2 hours at a time. The list goes on and on.
One day, I stopped and really thought about all these feelings I felt. And I felt guilty of complaining all the time when he was still here. Now I accept that I took my little boy somewhat for granted. Did I know he was going to die at 20 weeks? No.
I then thought about all the things I wished I hadn't done. The truth is, none of the things I did took away my little son. These were my excuses and something to blame, but I know now there is nothing and no one to blame.
So hun, it will take you a while still to come to accept the loss of your precious daughter. But you will one day, and the sorrow in your heart will start melting away.
We are changed forever, our sense of loss won't go away. But it won't eat away at your heart like it is now. Time will heal your broken heart, and the happiness will come to you again. For now, grieve for your daughter openly, and allow your husband to grieve too. Together you are a pillar of strength to each other, and together you will get through this pain. Isabel is a very lucky little girl to have such wonderful and loving parents like you. And from heaven she will always smile at you with her little twin brother or sister, and give you a little wave. And in your heart they will forever live.
All my love
Beata xxxx