Having a Second Baby....

[{sarah}]

Nope I'm not pregnant!! I'm just having a bit of a stress & want to see if I'm normal or a complete nutcase for thinking these things. I really really want to have more children than Zander - I had 3 siblings & loved being a part of a big family, but I am so worried about the whole thing.

Firstly, I'm worried that Zander will hate us because we won't have as much time to be with him as we do now. I don't want him to feel like he's second best because we need to spend more time with a newborn. We were thinking of TTC again soon, so in theory he'd still be too little to understand what's going on.

I also worry that Zander will be my favourite & I won't be able to help it. He'll be my first experience with everything, so I'm thinking that maybe everything isn't going to be as exciting and special with another baby. Or that because of the above reason I'll try to compensate for not being as available & the new baby will think that we love Zander more.

I'm petrified of the actual birth. I've made the decision that I won't be trying for a natural birth this time. After the experience I had with Zander's birth, I would go into it scared that the same would happen & it turn into a self fulfilling prophecy (stress & being scared is known to slow/halt labour as far as I know). Now I'm happy with my decision, but I am terrified of the whole c/s thing. Last time it was a case of I wanted them to do *something* to get me out of pain & if it meant chopping my left arm off I would have said go ahead! This time I'll be going into it knowing that I'm going to be cut open & that really freaks me out.

Also, how am I going to cope with 2 babies??? Zander sleeps alright, but he doesn't sleep through every night & I don't know how I'd deal with both a newborn & Zander waking through the night.

We had spoken about TTC from December, but I couldn't do it. I'm just too scared. Now we are talking about April, once Zander has turned one. As it gets closer I get more & more worried about everything. I just don't know if I should wait longer so I can get these feelings all sorted out (on some level I know I'm being silly) or just jump in the deep end & know that everything will sort itself out.

I think that's it for the moment

[BellyBelly]

Sarah, have you read the article, Loving Two? https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/loving-two-children

Also regarding confidence to birth, I can recommend some great workshops in NSW and even some support people who would be able to help you. Ultimately the birth you choose is your decision, but it just seems to me that you feel unconfident in your body when you can have every reason to Perhaps unsupported too. Having unexperienced people with you in labour can make it more anxiety frought for mum, she looks to them for stability and reassurance, but they are too busy freaking out themselves!!!

[{sarah}]

Kelly I went looking for that article, but found the New Baby one - https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/a-new-baby - I was sure there was one about loving two. Thank you

[Adnil]

Sarah, what you posted is exactly what I have been thinking lately. Not that we are TTC, noy for quite some time, but I already worry that I wont have enough time for Emma with a newborn & also that the new baby wont be as prescious to me.

So, I dont have any advice, but just wanted to say - wow- you have posted everything I have been thinking LOL

[{sarah}]

Hey Linda, thanks for responding I think that's what I need to hear, that I'm thinking the same things that others do. I don't know, it makes it easier knowing that others feel the same way.

[Colleen]

i think these things too! you guys arent alone....

I stress about these things even tho we arent ttc

I worry more that I will neglect Jay and not give him my full attention :/

[Phteven]

I worry about these things too. Sometimes I look at Yasin and I think that there is no way that I could love another baby as much and I feel sorry for number 2 because it will never have the kind of quality time that me and Yasin have. When I spoke to DH about it he pointed out that love isn't like a cake with only so many slices to go around you get a new cake with each baby and that although Yasin may be upset to start with in the long run a sibling will (hopefully) be a friend for life.

[jay+tyler]

hi sarah
your story is exactly mine expect ive just given birth to my second son3 weeks ago i totally understand me and jayden have such a strong bond i was worried bout not loving this new baby would i even want to hang out with him cause me and jayden were and still are a team the crazy thoughts i worried the whole pregancy cause i personally found it different first time round everything is just amazing second round time i didnt have time to notice every bit of my pregancy i had hard larbour last time which ended in ceasearn and i opted for it this time i was terrifed your right first time round you just want the pain to stop but second time round you have a build up of whats to come however with my story pretty much being the same i have to say it all falls in to place i never believed anyone so i guess its something you have to experience i had the ceasaren and i myself was amazaed i was walking round the next day and second time round you dont get as many visits lol so i had quite alot of bonding time with tyler and i love him so much now im home when tyler goes down i play with jay and spend time with him. doesnt leave much time for yourself my partner has been home last two weeks and heading back to work tommorow so as for coping with two i let ya know tommorow which i have to say im scared but im sure il cope ya just do
hope ive helped

[mouse_9_2001]

I used to think the same about the whole loving thing too, but ive found it to be ok,

i always worry about that Josh is going to think i dont love him , 1 for not being there with him and 2 he might not think hes important because chloe is here with me and he isnt.

we have started ttc the next one, and i sometimes worry how chloe would cope, but i think shes going to be too young to understand.

thats not much help but wanted to share my story

Lesley

[Melinda]

You're definitely not alone Sarah!!!

We had always wanted our children close in age and had planned before Jacob was born, that once he turned one, we'd be TTC again. In the first few months of his life, I became more and more eager to TTC again and would have done it in a flash so we decided to start trying when he was 10 months old!

Time passed and when we started TTC (which was actually in June prior to Jacob's 1st birthday) I totally freaked out. I got really panicky about it and was worrying about the same things as you - would Jacob cope, would I cope?

Honestly, the best thing for us was to hold off on TTC for a few more months. As you know, we've just started trying again from November. So if you think about it, it took me from June until November to actually feel better about it all.

Having said that, of course I am still anxious and worried about how Jacob will cope and how I will cope, and I'm sure once I fall PG again that will be even more heightened, but I must say that I don't feel as anxious about it as I did going back a few months. I think I've had the benefit of that time to think things through and to sort some of those feelings out in my mind.

[jaggard]

Yep been there too. Always wanted more than one child but the day we started trying for our 2nd I cried and felt so guilty, wondering if I could love another just as much etc.

Oh but when he arrived my love just grew. I have an amzing relationship with my 1st born but I also have just as amzing relationship with DS. I love them equally. They are 20mths apart.

Can't help you with the fear of a c/s, it's only natural to wonder what it's all going to be like. My 1st labour was no picnic. I'd run labour day over in my head constantly and worry myself stupid of scenarios and he came out without a hassle. (all that worrying for nothing)

Pregnancy went faster as I had DD to run after. She did not walk until 17 months which I found very hard.

Sleeping, DS decided to take 6 months b4 he started sleeping through which I found very tiring and DD still had a dummy so when that fell out we'd be getting up for her. I'll admit it's tough somedays, but now I don't hear a whimper from DS at all, he doesn't even cry out. You'll go on overdrive. Zander may still be waking up now but in 9 months time (if you fell pg today), he may not wake through the night.

As for Zander hating you b/c there wont be as much time spent, the only thing I can suggest is to involve him in everything ( as much as you can) leading up to the baby and when the baby arrives. My DD is such a little mother and does everything for her brother, she loves being involved and I never really got any jealousy. It may differ with little boys though.

Keep in mind that TTC another bub should be a fun thing not full of worry and anxiety! When I worry about things like this I think of my mother that had 5 of us under 8 years and she loves us all to bits and equally.

"There is always enough room and love for 1 more" as my grandmother would say who came from a family of 13..... eeeek!

Good luck!

[Pietta]

Sarah as i was reading that i was thinking "yep i understand' especially about the c/s thing.

Im not too worried about the other sibling but am very worried about the c/s...

I dont know what to say to help lol but i just wanted you to know your not alone.

[visitor2]

I was worried how Kimberley would be when i was pg with Alex but now he is here she is great. She has always been independant and played on here own so i had no worries of her missing out. When Alex is asleep we play together and sometimes when Paul is home we go to the shops without Alex.

We are trying again and to be honest i haven't even thought about how Alex would cope with having a baby in the house.

Never had a problem with loving both of them as i love them both the same.

[Astrid]

Sarah - SNAP! DH and I were only discussing this today. I'm not so much worried about the c/section, but more about what if the 2nd baby is just as hyper! How would we cope?

Good to see we are not alone in these thoughts, it was great reading every-body's posts

[Ambah]

I am also worried/scared of having a 2nd baby, yet at the same time would love one...
Apart from the fact that DP isnt so sure anyway... I havent even been talking to him lately about the fact that I want to TTC, as I am just not sure if I would cope with 2? Plus I think it has to be a decision that DP is keen on himself.

WRT having a second child... I'm petrified of going through all of the sleep deprivation again for a start.... plus Aidyn, DP and I are all settled into our own happy little routines now, I'm just scared of how well we all would cope. Although I know in reality we probably would cope ok, its just that things will not be 'easy' anymore, like they are atm with having just the one child.
Plus I understand how it is to wonder if you can ever love another child as much as the first, as that goes through my head too... I love Aidyn to pieces, and in my eyes he is absoulutely perfect and wonderful... and I wonder how I could feel the same about a second child... although I'm sure I probably could.
I do worry about how Aidyn would cope initially... but one of my main reasons for wanting another child is so Aidyn doesnt grow up as an only child, as I think he would benefit greatly from having a sibling in his life...

[Tracey]

:-k I must admit having the longer gap (nt necessarily by choice) between my girls is a blessing. Maddison understands that while Indah is awake, grizzling, hungry, etc that I am pretty busy, but she also knows that if I am doing housework & Indah wakes up that she can entertain/sing to her for a bit & 'help' by doing so til I can get Indah...
Whislt I am busy with Indah Maddy will read to us or she will happily go & play in her room, or just sit & talk... But whe Indah is asleep or playing on floor etc, Maddy & I will do stuff.

Maddy loves Indah & changes nappies or bounces her in her bouncer, sings to her, cuddles her, holds her hands & makes faces etc... I know they are gonna adore each other as they grow up & it's gorgeous to watch..

I never wonderd if I could love another child, I desperately wanted more & I knew I had more love to give & I had explained to Maddy when we were pregnant that love never runs out, you just get more love, I even explained it like the cake story your DH used Dach... She accepted that & understands that I might be busier now, but I still love her & I love Indah...

As for the sleep deprivation etc, I think it's easier really, because you go into it knowing your baby will grow so fast so you savour all those moments with the new baby that went past so quick with the first.. I have found having Indah much less daunting & I am a more relaxed Mum, which is great!

I am keen to start trying for #3 mid this year... Dh just needs convincing!!!

I did not LOVE childbirth, the pain etc, but I am not scared of it either, so I was happy to finally have it start & went in to hospital happy to be in labour...

Sarah I have heard all your worries from friends, it's totally natural.... Good Luck with your decision, as with Maddy, we adore Indah & wouldnt give her back for the world!!!!

[BellyBelly]

Tracey, I too have decided big gaps are the way to go. I will be waiting a while for the next one. I understand not everyone has the luxury, but 2.5 years for me was tricky with jealousy issues, not understanding why things are etc. But perhaps it will be easier with #3 in that #1 isn't used to company and #2 is, but still, I think I will wait a little longer than last time.

[Tracey]

Kelly,
Right now Maddy is singing, dancing & basically entertaining Indah whilst watching the Wiggles, which Maddy doesnt nrmally watch, but Indah loves watching maddy & gives her big rewarding laughs, so Maddy enjoys it!!!