I'm scared.

I want a VBAC this time and have discussed it with the doctor who wants to wait and see. I am petrified of the pain of another c/section but I am scared of the risks the doctor outlined to me for a VBAC. I know they are minimal and I shouldn't be scared and I have read a lot, but this is my body, this is my baby. At the end of the day the consequences are mine and mine alone. If it doesn't work out and my baby dies, I am scared of that. I have to live with my choices for the rest of my life. I don't want to be reasoned out of it, I think I just need to think about it for a little while.

Due to my last experience, it scares me to death to have to recover from a c/section in hospital. I don't want to be dependent on anyone else because last time, the midwife I had completely disregarded me and my pain. It scares me to have to depend on someone to care for me when they clearly don't.

I am also petrified of a VB. I have done it twice before and I don't want to do it again. I don't like pain, in fact, I downright hate it but it doesn't scare me. It scares me to be entirely at the mercy of whatever midwife is working at the time of the birth. The two VB's that I have had have been about what they want for me, not what I want for myself. They didn't seem to understand that I had been labouring for a very long by the time I went to the hospital - my labour was 39 hours long before I asked for an epidural because I was just so tired, I couldn't keep going. The midwives decided that I just needed my waters broken and wouldn't get me an epidural until a couple of hours later and even then they stalled the person that came to do it because they didn't think I needed it and wanted me to do it without. It was about them and not what I wanted.

With DS I told the midwife I felt the need to push within an hour and a half of my waters breaking. She just laughed at me and told me I didn't. After an hour and a half of panting through contractions, I was given an epidural to help me not want to push. Over the next 2 - 3 hours, DS made his own way down the birth canal and came out in one push (they went to do a VE - the first one since I went into labour - to see where he was at and his head was pretty much out). They didn't listen to me. They just laughed at me.

I hate that I am kind of aware of what is going on in my own body and what it is that I want/need but it becomes about them. I feel so helpless and so dependent and there is nothing that I can do. I tried being more aggressive with them with DS but I don't think it got me very far. They still weren't actually listening to me. I hate being treated like I don't know my body and they are the 'experts'. I wish they would listen and do what I ask -if I want pain relief, I don't want to beg for it. If I don't want it, I don't want it forced on me. It scares me to have so little control of what is going on.

I am not sure I have overcome any of these things. I have serious trust issues with the people providing my care but due to me being a high risk pregnancy, I have very few options about my care. I feel really stuck between a rock and a hardplace.

I am dealing with it by praying for a fast labour and birth where I don't have to see any of them and it all happens before I can worry too much. Birthing at home by myself while looking after 3 kids, doesn't scare me nearly as much as having to have midwives that just don't care.