Reply With Quoteit's totally normal. It took me a while to bond with Yasin but as he got older and started to make eye contact and smile I started to feel more connected with him.
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I don't feel connected to my baby....
Last week Monday my baby was born via emergency c-section after 14 hours of induced labor. I only dilated 5 cm in total and was already 3 cm dilated when the induction began. My OB decided to do the c-section as it was felt there was no other choice. As it turned out my babys head was 39 cm and too big to pass. He was stuck in my pelvis and facing the wrong way. Anyway by the time it came to it I was more then happy as I was in pain and just wanted the whole thing over with. But I now find it hard to connect to my baby. I miss having my pregnant belly but can't connect my baby as my former baby bump. One moment there was nothing and then I'm holding this beautiful baby and am being told he's mine. I love him but don't feel connected yet. Is this normal? Does it get better? It breaks my heart and I feel really guilty!
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I think I was like this after my first 2 children.. While I loved them I didnt feel that bond everone speaks of. With my first I remember standing over his cot one night when he was a few weeks old and an image from my US came into my head and I felt this big bubble of love. That is the only way I can describe it.. it was then that I bonded..
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Macca
I think because we are told so much about the instantaneous bond that is supposed to happen when we have a baby - that when it doesn't we start questioning everything, and feeling guilty. I have three children, all have been delivered by c-section. When I had my daughter, the bond was pretty instant - well as instant as it could be - a quick look, off to recovery, and finally held her in my arms 2 hours later. My mum got to hold her before me! I was absolutely itching to get to her. My first son was completely different - i went into labour at 36weeks, had an emergency c-section, while I was in recovery he went into respiratory distress, and I didnt see him again until 10hours later. It took a lot longer to connect to Nathan... and I spent lots of time asking what was wrong with me, and trying to figure out the mystery of this little male person that had come into my life. Having only had a sister, and a daughter, my experience with little boys was completely alien. I wish I had something like BB to ask why and seek reassurance...
It wasn't until I stopped trying to figure out the mystery of his maleness, and just accepted him for the miracle that he was, that I was able to finally feel connected. He is my sensitve beautiful boy, who has so much love and heart that it still never ceases to amaze me. I watch him now, with his baby brother, and know in my heart that just because I didn't feel connected to him from the get go, that it hasn't affected him in any way. Be kind to yourself, and give your self some time to get to know this amazing little person who has entered your life. You have not only just had major surgery, but undertaken the biggest challenge any human can have - the moulding of another human being. It will come, that feeling of being connected, just give it some time. in the mean time, keep talking to people, keep asking questions, and keep breathing.
Last edited by tiggerandpooh; April 11th, 2008 at 06:19 PM.
♥ BellyBelly's Creator ♥
Some good advice here - have you thought about doing some infant massage classes? There are lots of great activities to help form the bond with your baby, and it can take time like the others have said. Other things include skin to skin contact, baths and showers together - anything where you are close and that oxytocin can kick in.
Also, inductions and c/s can stuff around with your hormones too, it's common for this to happen as your body hasn't initiated it's own hormone ****tail (synthetic oxytocin used to induce labour doesn't cross the blood/brain barrier) - if you find it's all becoming overwhelming please do seek some counselling and look out for those PND warning signs - remembering a hormone imbalance can cause this and it's important for you to take care of yourself so you have more to give to your baby. I think we tend to ignore how we feel until it all bottoms out, its a great idea to find someone you can trust to debrief with. Good luck
Kelly xx
Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
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Your birth sound almost exactly like mine except I got to the 10cm and pushed for an hour only to find that he wouldn?t come out because he was facing the wrong way.
I also felt like you did for quite a few weeks. I loved him but I just couldn?t grasp the fact that this little person was mine and I was his. I can?t pinpoint an exact moment when we started to form a bond but I would say that it was similar to dochlostar when he started to smile and make eye contact. I think it is completely normal for some women. I am not sure if I would have been the same if it was a vaginal birth or not.
Just take your time and don?t put to much pressure on your self. You have just gone through the stress of an induced labour which from personal experience is very stressful plus major surgery not to mention all the hormones bouncing around in your body. Just relax it will come. But I also must say, if you find the feelings really getting on top of you don?t try and deal with it all by yourself. Speak to someone who is qualified to help you.
Lolly
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Like the other girls said, give it some time
Chin up, mommy
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Funnily enough I bonded really fast with my c-section baby. I sometimes think that because Yasin was my first I was learning to be a mother and getting used to my new role but when Imran arrived I already knew how to be a mummy.
FWIW though i personally only have one child and bonded well, my friend had 2, #1 DS vaginal birth, l-o-n-g 1st stage (34hours) then 90mins pushing. It took her weeks to bond with him. She said he felt like a little stranger in her house and though she knew he was hers, she didn't feel like she knew him or what to do with him. With #2 DS he turned breech during labour. They noticed this when they broke her waters (after 30hours of latent and 1st stage ctx) after she'd stalled at 6cm for 5 hours. She had to have an emergency section. She said she bonded instantly and was twitching for the 30mins in recovery when she was with him but couldn't hold him (she was shaking from the epidural).
You never know with birth. Bonding instantly might be deemed "normal" but as far as i know from talking to women of their own experiences, it is far from widespread.
Look after yourself and be GENTLE with yourself. You've been through a lot, you're doing an amazing job. Hang in there.
Bx
BellyBelly Life Subscriber & MPM
With my second DS I felt that bond instantly, I think it is definitely a first-time-mum feeling not to bond quickly. And I also think if you have had a traumatic birth experience (mine was) that it is also normal not to feel that bond. I'm sure there are plenty of first time mums who do have that connection, but I certainly didn't.
You will feel it soon, but don't feel guilty for not feeling it at the moment. There are plenty of other mums who have felt the same
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I had an emergency C/S and at about a week down the track i finally admitted to my DH that i felt like i did not give birth. I loved my daughter, but they could have handed any baby to me and told me that she was mine.
I felt totally cheated and was carrying a lot of anger that meant that i wasnt able to bond properly.
Molly Jane is now almost 6 weeks and there connection is there. But i had to deal with the anger (its still under there a bit) surrounding the birth (this meant deciding not to seee my OB for any follow up appoints) and the guilt and sadness that i couldnt deliver my baby the 'normal way' before i was able to bond properly.
It will come and it gets better, just enjoy your time with William and you will soon forget what it was ever like not to be a mummy
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I don't think it happens instantly for everyone. I bonded with my son quickly, but the very first thing I remember feeling was shock that this crying little bub was mine, an actual person now. In my case, I had a natural birth. Other women I have spoken to have said it took weeks for them to bond, they were just very overwhelmed.
It will happen! :hugs:
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Oh, a big
I was the same as you. Although in the first few days after the birth I thought I had really bonded with my little girl, but as the baby blues and sleep deprevation kicked in I found myself really emotionally distanced from her.
like the others have said it's all to do with hormones being out of wack but for me dealing with the grief of no birth experience (I was knocked out for my caesar) also played a part.
The love for your bub WILL grow. Please try not to beat yourself up about the way you feel as it is sooo common and trust me, it WILL get better.
If you are still not feeling right in a few weeks please make sure you seek help as it could be PND. Unfortunately that's what mine turned into but since I acknowledged the fact that I had PND and I sought help I've never looked back and never felt better.
Take care
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Yes this is totally normal.
I had my DS via an emergency CS under a general anasthetic and it took me weeks to really feel he was "mine". Don't rush it, those feelings of overwhelming love will come, somtimes it just takes a little time.
In the mean time, I want you to know you are not alone, you are not a bad mother, you and your precious baby are simply in the "getting to know you" stage.
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Thankyou all for your support and positive thoughts. I had a home visit with our local community care nurse and speaking with her was really good. Starting next week Im going to go to an Early Bird group for first time parents and their babies who are 8 weeks old and under. She said that my experience is very common and there are other mums there who have gone through the same thing. I think it will be good to talk to them.
On a positive note i do have to say that the last few days have been slowly getting better and William and I are getting to know each other. He is awake more often now and has periods were he is happy to interact with others a little bit. Even practicing a few smiling gestures.
Thanks again all
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Macca 79 Bravo hun for being so brave. I'm proud of you for reaching out, and getting support. it will make a world of difference... I had to "reconnect" this time round because all my friends have big kids, not babies, and it was hard. It was wonderful to meet some new people, and new mums. And aston has some wonderful friends because of it, and so do I. The information you will gather will be great, and you will meet some new people, all feeling at sea just like you, and feel better for it. Look forward to hearing how you going darlin.
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It happened to me with my first child because of an emergency c/s too. I remember the operation was so quick and sureal. I didn't go into labour as he was in fetal distress, so in less than 20mins of finding out I was going for a c/s I was holding my son wondering if he was really mine. I had no time to get use to the idea of him not being in my belly and being on the outside instead it was just like so instant. I remember the epidural wearing off afterwards and putting my hands on my belly and he was gone and my belly was flattening out. It took me a while to bond with my son and I was upset that I didn't have natural birth I had planned. One day I realised it didn't matter how he got here, he is healthy, beautiful and everything okay. Give yourself time and don't feel bad that you can't bond straight away, it is normal especially after a emergency c/s.
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Could it be just a first baby thing for some? It is just a huge change, I think to myself, one minute I was pregnant and it is all about me and then all of a sudden it is all about the baby, who is now your fulltime job. Sounds selfish, but that is how I felt with my first.
I had a 12 hour labour from my waters breaking by themselves at 38 weeks, 8 hours of contractions and vaginal birth so I wouldn't say traumatic, with my son. But I didn't feel bonded with him, and now that I have had my second child, I can see the difference even more. I just seem to care more about her now than I did with him when he was a baby.
My Mum says it is because she didn't see me touch my belly much when I was pregnant with my son, but I did with my daughter. I think it is just because you don't realise that baby in you becomes a little person until you see them grow up a bit.
Please, please be gentle with yourself. You will get used to being a Mum and love it, what your feeling now doesn't mean you aren't a good Mum, you're just adjusting. Sleep deprivation never helps put things in perspective either.
GL.
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