Seperation Anxiety - Both of us!

[enigma]

Ever since Anetka was 1yr old ive thought about sending her to daycare. DH didnt want to - but I was all for it.
Now we have a place for Anetka FREE!( thanks to my husbands english school) for 3 days a week , 9-12..
DH and my mum think its a godsend , and that this is the best thing that Anetka needs , she will learn english ( we speak polish at home ) , she will develop better socially and after 20 months i will have some time to myself.
She went ok the first day , but the next one she was hysterical. I said i would stay the whole time( since im not working ).. but she wouldnt let go of me .. kept pointing at the door and shouting THERE ( in polish ).
I really just wanted to pack up and go , i saw no point in stressing her out so much , especially since its not essential , i dont work - and im not that desperate to have time to myself if it means leaving my child in this state.
But DH and my mum think im crazy , like every mother before me i should just get over it , let her cry it out a bit - and it will be for her good in the end
i dont know.. i just think that if we are doing something for her benefit , she should enjoy it.. and not get used to it just because we know its good for her

woah.. what a vent.. sorry.. anyone else found themselves in a similar situation??
I dunno what to do , i dont want to let Anetka down - even if she eventually gets used to it , i dont want her crying and not having me there to comfort her


ETA - she's 20mths old

[BeautifulMadness]

Some kids do go through that. i am sure after a week or so she will be fine also if u dont sort it out now she will bad when she starts kinder and school. maybe take something along with her that has you're scent or a comfort thing

[~Trish~]

Oh I know how you feel! It's so stressful when they cling to you and cry and cry. There are pros and cons to each situation and it makes it hard to make the right choice. At the end of the day if you want your DD with you and don't see a need to have her in care then don't send her and don't worry what anyone else says. She is your child and your time with her is so precious.

My DS is three and has never been in care, I, like you never felt the need for "me" time (not that I have a problem with anyone who does!) and have loved watching him grow and develop at home with me. I've made sure he's gotten to do lots of fun things and played with other kids regularly. The only problem is that when he started 3yo kinder this week he was hysterical about me leaving him with people he didn't know. I ended up just leaving him there crying while the ladies took care of him. Within a few minutes he had calmed down and ended up having a BLAST! When I went to pick him up he hadn't missed me at all. It was harder on me in the end!

Would you consider just leaving your DD there as a trial and seeing if she calms down after a short while? You could wait outside so she thinks you have left and you could let the workers try and calm her down and get her playing with things. If she hasn't calmed down after a certain amount of time (decided by yourself) you could just come in and get her and decide that it just isn't for her. If she does love it you may be happier to give her the opportunity to go.

It is a heart-wrenching decision! If your gut says you don't want her to go, go with that. You know better than anyone else what your DD needs in life!

I wish you all the best in your decision making

[enigma]

thanks girls

its sooo hard , because i dont wnat her to go - but what if thats me being selfish ??
she gets HYSTERICAL when im gone , is that how all kids get or do they just cry? Maybe i could try and come back in 30mins and see if she's calm.... the next one is Tuesday.. so i have all weekend to think think think

[DiannaQ]

I wouldn't take her - but that's just me - I have just put DS into day care and he is very very slowly adjusting to it - he has been 6 times and isn't really LOVING it just yet - but I'm starting back on work on Monday so have no real other option.

If you don't need to take her then wait until you and her are both ready - I feel your pain - I think when they are able to vocalise better then that may be the time they need to go to pre-school up until then if she wants you and you her then just do what feels right

[~Kim~]

ENigma, only you can do what's right for you guys.
There are a couple of options if you decide to take her Tuesday.
Drop her off and go and sit in the car for a short time (10mins or so - or until you can't bear it) then creep back inside and see if you can see through the door/window to see if she's OK. Don't let her see you though, cos if she is settled, you don't want to disrupt her again. If she's still unsettled either repeat the process or take her home.
I remeber when I was learning to walk in high heels and some one told me 'pretend you're confident, and no-one will know the difference". This is similar. Children can pick up on your stress. I don't mean be blase about it, but be cheerful and upbeat. Tell her all the wonderful things she's going to do today. Most improtantly kiss her and tell her you will come back for her shortly.
Tell her that every day you drop her off and soon she will trust you to do as you say.
It isn't selfish the way you are feeling. I truly wish I had had that choice. Children definiatley don't need daycare but if the opportunity is available there are certainly many many benefits for the child too.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Starfish]

Hi Enigma

I am wondering if perhaps it might be a language barrier problem. You said she went okay on her first day, but didn't want to go back the next?
You say you speak Polish at home, but does Anetka (lovely name BTW) understand English? Maybe she got scared because all the words she heard were unfamiliar and she couldn't understand what people were saying?

[enigma]

Starfish - yeah , Anetka knows no english - but she understands a lot of polish , so before we go in I tell her over and over again that theres lots of kids to play with and toys - and that im only going to the shops and ill be back soon - im sure the fact that she doesnt understand a word the carers are saying doesnt help the situation
Thats another thing , the earlier she picks up english the better , i was 5yrs old when we came to Oz and i remember how much i was teased because i couldnt speak "properly"

Kim - I think on Tuesday i might go in with her , and watch her reaction. If she is as desperate to get out as she was on Thursday , ill leave with her , but if she is just cranky .. i might try going for a short while

I think the issue is the daycare centre itself too. They keep forgetting that im sitting there , and that im a mother too - they arent exactly overjoyed to be spending time with all the kids , in fact i dont think they couldnt care less.
A little 9mth old was crying so so much when i was there.. and they just kept saying his new , he'll get used to it. It wasnt even my child but i was feeling his pain , they left him in a highchair crying on his own

The first day Anetka had a bit of a cry herself ( so they tell me ).. when we came to pick her up , she was standing above one of the carers with tears on her face , and they werent paying much attention. ..until they saw me come in ofcourse

So i think im also concerned about the way they will deal with her crying. I wouldnt want her to think no one cares

ahhh i dunno.

[Isadora]

"she was standing above one of the carers with tears on her face , and they werent paying much attention. ..until they saw me come in ofcourse"

Yep Enigma I know exactly what you mean - my DD goes to childcare a couple of days a week and there have been times when I've entered the room and she is unhappy, with no one attending to her. Its heartbreaking! Does she have a comforter that she can take with her to care, like a blankie or special toy? When I worked in childcare we had a young boy about the same age as Aneta start, and he couldnt speak english either. The boss actually buddied an extra carer up with him to focus on him solely, to help him settle in. Starting care alone is hard enough. Maybe the center can do something similar for Aneta? The first few times his parents dropped him off was so upsetting for him and both his parents were in tears too, but before you knew it he was waving goodbye to mum and dad, and loving it! I'm sure Aneta will be the same, its so hard, but you are right, if you want her to start learning english then this is the perfect opportunity. Good luck.

[~Kim~]

Ooh OK that makes it totally different ENigma. No way would I be taking my child back to a place like that.
THere are easier less traumatic ways for her to learn English.

[enigma]

Yeah i know.. who would have thought parting with your baby for 3 hours would be so difficult ? Maybe they didnt cut the umbilical cord properly :P

Ive started to look into playgroups in our area.. seems like a good solution , contact with kids - and no need for me to leave.
Now if DH and my mum just give me a break about not wanting daycare , all will be well

[{sarah}]

I agree with Kim. If you've seen that they don't attend to upset children the way you'd like then there's is no way I'd be taking her back there. Language barrier or not, all children understand being comforted vs being ignored when they're upset.

[~Kim~]

Well put Sarah that's exactly what it sounds like.

[enigma]

at first i actually thought this was normal , in the sense that they cant comfort every child at once ,
but the more i think about it , the more ridiculous the situation was .. no other child was upset - they had time for her ( which like i said , they found the second i walked in the door )
im not taking her back. decision made. I just hope this hasnt had a negative effect on her , because im sure there must be some decent daycares out there
it will be playgroup for now , and maybe another attempt at daycare in 6mths or so - when she's 2 and a bit and ready for the older kids group
thanks everyone for your advice

[mollycat]

enigma - you have made the best decision for both of you at this time. The carers should be able to have time to cuddle an upset child, if any child is really upset the best option is for the child to leave for the day and try again on a shorter time and build up to long days if possible. May be you could try a smaller group for her such as family day care (there is only 4 or 5 children at a time). The group size could make a huge difference when you are ready. In the meantime, playgroup is a wonderful option, it gives you both the opportunity to separate (without separating). Your daughter can go and play happily knowing you are in the same room, but not always beside her. It's a great start to learning to separate. When you are ready to try day care again, look around, only place her where you feel comfortable.