Awwwww, you poor girlies!

These are my words of comfort: I don't know if they'll be of any help to you but it is my observation about the Other Sex. At least I hope it makes you laugh!

A vast number of men (OK, vast generalisation but hey) seem to have the inbuilt "no" chip as a gut response to a slightly emotionally challenging or interior-decoration-related question. My DH has it too. EG: I used to tease him, without even being completely serious, about how nice a little bun would be and he'd get all "not yet", definite, no-sense-of-humour, "I am the lord of the universe" which in reality means "that's a bit scary thus I'm going to get defensive and put on the lord of the universe voice". Situation has now reversed very quickly: all of a sudden he's made his mind up, and I think that's what blokes do: lightening speed change of mind with little warning. Not v fair on girls but then again they maybe think we're all talk, talk, talk.

The problem is that we girls are sophisticated interpreters of verbal and non-verbal communication with a brilliant and supernatural ability to ANALYSE everything to the Nth degree; however, this relies on men being sophisticated communicators who impart secret messages, whereas in reality I don't think men really are capable of that... we interpret deep, brooding silence as "I do not want a baby" whereas the interior monologue is probably more along the lines of "we're losing the cricket" or "can I get away with farting in here?" or "(hummed theme from Girl from Ipanema)".:eek: We also interpret their "no" as meaning "no forever" whereas "no" in boy language means "not right now while I am watching the cricket" or "I am grumpy and will say no to anything" or they weren't listening and thought you were asking if he thought your bum looked big. First and foremost is that they seem to be unable to think beyond the present when anyone else brings anything up. So they may not be capable of thinking about the concept of the future on anyone else's terms. "No" does not mean forever, and "not now" does not mean "all of now".

I think if your boys knew how upset it made you, they would be horrified. They are not as sophisticated as we at picking up signals. Plus, your way of showing you are upset may not be the way they can interpret the level to which you are upset. It sounds terrible but I have had to learn to adapt the way I communicate my upsetness about anything, instead of the secondary reaction of anger (which I used to defend myself) to a more honest display of how I was feeling, which was sadness. Anger to a bloke is a big back-off but they seem to be able to understand sadness, if you can verbalise what it is that ,makes you sad: i.e. how what they said makes you feel, and why, calmly, so they don't feel like they're being attacked which they don't respond well to either. (And of course we sometimes feel like attacking!!) All of which you've probably tried before, but it might be worth having a practise the next time it comes up in conversation.

Can I tell you a great tactic for working through rage and upset and frustration? Write a letter to your boy and get it all out, vent vent, no-holds-barred. Write down some ways you can both sort through the problem. Then after that, acknowledge all the positive things you both have to work with. End with how much you love him because you know you do - why would you have chose to be with him otherwise?? Then you'll probably find you don't need to give it to him (don't do what a friend did and send the letter!!). You might feel a hell of a lot better having vented and acknowledged the whole situation on paper. Advantage: it can stop you from getting too P***ed off when discussing the issue next time as you've had the change to vent. Or if you DO get P***ed off next time, you have a wonderful stash of pre-prepared insults and vicious phrases to hurl seemingly effortlessly at him...

I think if you can honestly (and calmly - ugh vomit do we have to be??) state why what he says makes you feel upset without telling him he's a turd, he may be more willing to listen and to communicate his feelings.

Also, think about how his mum might respond to stressful and emotional stituations. How has he been trained from childhood to listen and to switch off?

Another thing: maybe write a letter to him you DO want to give him, or tell him in person, why you want HIS baby. This is the key: HIS baby, no-one else's. Not some random bloke's ... um ... "boy-stuff". HIS. What is so wonderful about him that you want to share? Perhaps a humourous list of all the wonderful attributes of the two of you and how these will make the perfect baby. (You can leave the car off this!!!!)

Good luck girls. Sending virtual hugs. Think of it as trying to communicate with a different species!!

PS: In my view (and it is only my view) piercing the condom is probably not the most ideal resolution of the situation - though it was very funny, Shan!! tee hee hee!!