Feeling confused re: DH and TTC

[Maruschke]

Oh hun I feel you. Actually I had to wait about that long to get DH to agree to TTC with me for DD1... I waited 24 months from the time my body started aching for a baby, until he finally gave us the go ahead to try. And then DD1 took 12 months to conceive. Ouch ouch ouch.

Would you feel uncomfortable charting or using OPK's without keeping DH involved? Initiating sex at the right time without mentioning it was the right time?

What I am hearing is that you want DH to be more sympathetic of the deep desires you have for a child, and more sympathetic when those dreams are dashed each month. That is totally understandable and I hope you can find a way to get that from him.

[toomanyshoes]

So know how you're feeling, my HD is "happy to have another baby" but mention seeing a DR and it's all too "real"...........I really wish they could understand what we go through and how much is plays with our emotions!

[littlemissmountain]

I just wanted to send you a
and to let you know that a couple of years ago my DP was the same for many months too. Even to the point of sometimes randomly using condoms... it was very confusing and disappointing. I decided not too make a fuss about it because I knew that if I pressured him he would resist altogether. And he came around, faster than I thought he would actually. And now we've been trying for 18 months and it's taking forever to happen anyway!
They're strange creatures DC... and perhaps behave quite unconsciously when responding to our feelings sometimes.
You might be right that he is not ready... but that doesn't mean he won't be soon.
Hang in there chick.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

I think it is mostly he is scared that he will lose his wifey to the big black hole of post natal depression all over again. Therefore "TRYING" to conceive makes it a more valid concern. I don't know how else I am supposed to prove that I am healthy and in control. I have said numerous times that I will see a psychologist during pregnancy if it will help him feel more at ease - and for my own sake but i also think that second time around - WANTing to have a child, and being PREARED emotionally and financially with adequate support will make all the difference.

I completely get where he is coming from with that but I can't make the fact that yes I was a mess for a long time go away.

[Mum2Romone]

DragonCookie, Im sure that your DH has concerns about your PND too but as it effects women for many different reasons there is no guarantee that you will even have it again, so I don't think that would be his main concern.
perhaps he was just expecting it to happen like you, and thinks if he just keeps putting it out of his mind ....it will happen and you won't have to be one of those people that TRY to have a baby, especially after having an oopsy baby first....same as us.....
( No offense to those trying for a baby, I am too but some people don't like to be 'branded' as someone that HAD to TRY )

my DH doesn't want to ""try"..... He basically avoids me if I say I'm ovulating, even though he was the one that suggested it was time to have another baby in April. It certainly doesn't help that I took him seriously and put my heart into it straight away,( especially after my miscarriage) whilst he just expected that his super sperm would knock me up straight away, I think it bothers them more than we realize but they don't want to talk or plan or "TRY" for a baby, but they will have sex, when it suits them. I get where you are coming from and I understand your frustration with waiting months.....

I don't have any advice on how to deal with DHs attitude as I'm certainly in the same boat. Ive tried talking about how much I want this, especially after the miscarriage, and how we actually have to have sex at a certain time each month. That DS was not simply a fluke but rather good timing... DTD.

I hope that in the next few days you can resolve things, and try to work together towards a baby together as YAS said in her post, it's a joint effort and when they aren't in it with you, you can't do it by yourself, especially emotionally

[Trillian]

I think he is in a horrible catch 22 situation. Last time he didn't have to *think* about anything - the decision to have a baby was made for him by fate kwim? Everything that happened after that was out of his hands in a way because it was a progression of what happened previously. You had an unexpected pg, that was OK, you both accepted it and moved forward. Then he was born and you both just kept plugging away at life, doing what you could to make ends meet and all that stuff that goes with having a family to support and then on top of that you had PND and you both had to just deal with it. BUT, this time around he actually has to make all those choices first, not just deal with them as they happen. And that can scare the crap out of a lot of people. It is easy to just roll with the punches when big decisions are taken out of your hands, because often it's the making the decision part that is the hardest. When my DH and I were first discussing having babies, it was just before we got married and I thought we were on the same page with it - to start trying as soon as we were married. But then once we were married and I brought it up he'd completely changed his mind and wanted to wait. He wanted us to have time together as a married couple before we became married with kids. He kept thinking about how we could provide for a baby financially, how he would deal with being a father on an emotional level etc. I was devastated because not only did I feel he broke our 'deal' but also because he was over-thinking things too kwim? It was almost totally irrational and very unlike my level-headed husband to think like that. Lucky for me, we also had a surprise baby too which totally solved the problem because he could stop thinking and just start doing, if that makes sense. He still had his head in the sand for a long time about the pg and baby, but it absolved him of any responsibility to *think* about it all.

I think this is the problem that your DH is having. He probably really does want a baby as much as you, but by not wanting it to be made 'real' by seeing charts and all that stuff, I think that comes back to just wanting all the decisions to be made for him again kwim? All the issues that he would have had to think about and make decisions on if you had both decided to try for a baby years ago are having to be made now and it sounds like he's not good at having to do that. And not helping that is the very real concern that he has about you getting PND again

Maybe there is some way you can come to a compromise on it. Being able to share everything is one thing - it's fantastic that you can do that - but if it is better for his mindset about having another baby to not know all that, is that a bad thing? I know my DH wasn't interested in the slightest when I charted for our last baby (gender swaying) and he was more than happy to just do what he needed to do without knowing all of the mechanics behind it, kinda like watching a magic show - you love the tricks they do but you don't want to know how they do them. Is there any way you can show him, rather than just tell him, how you will deal with PND if it happens again? Do you think he would go to a joint session with you to talk about strategies for avoiding PND and to maybe talk about his concerns?

I know how it feels to be in that position (even it it was a slightly different situation) and it tears your heart out, but don't give up just yet because it sounds like you two are just on a different wavelength to each other and need to find that common ground.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Trillian; thank you for such a thought provoking and considerate post. I really, tremendously, appreciate it.



Here's to hoping those of us with less than desirably interested DH's that the other half pull their socks up soon or our hormonal urges p*** off so we don't have to feel disappointed in them

Thank you for the love, advice, suggestions and support.
Much appreciated.