BIG problem! DDs dad doesn't love her

[Feathertop]

Hi Socks, I haven't got any great advice, lots of people have given some excellent ideas already, but I just wanted to say that I feel for you, and that I hope you and your lovely baby are ok. You sound very sad, but as long as you and your daughter love each other and know you love each other, you will be ok in the long run. Whether you are with her dad or not.

Look after yourself.

[kirsty_lee]

I haven't had personal experience with this one darl, as I am only pregnant with my first. But a friend of Dp and I was the same with his little girl. He was there for the birth then left the hospital straight away to come to our place to get pi$$ed and didnt even want to talk about the birth etc. When his missus got home he wouldn't change nappies or didnt want to be left alone with her and just really didnt wanna know about her. But hopefully with your hubby its just a phase like it was with our friend cause he absolutely adores her now and is the biggest sook dad you've ever seen. Hope it gets better hugs for you

[bellelass]

That really sucks, I think if the only issue is discomfort/antipathy for his daughter then he's immature and still freaking out about being a father. Especially if he missed a month of being around for her. If he's lovely and wonderful in every other way, then maybe he just needs time. It's impossible to take care of a baby or a child and not eventually feel some sort of bond or closeness, so despite his snide remarks go ahead and have him hold her anyway. Men (women too really) use nasty remarks to hide behind, and to create distance, and to cover up nervousness.. As long as he's not hurting her, then too bad he can hold her for ten minutes or *gasp* give her a bottle. Won't hurt either of them.

I guess the line is if there are other issues besides this one, or if he IS hurting her or you, well then that's a huge problem. But if he's just freaking out and too immature to tell you he's freaked out he'll get over it, especially since he's got a supportive loving partner and a gorgeous baby.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Thanks for replying, everyone.

This isn't the only issue between us, not by a long-shot. He has a HUGE attitude problem. He thinks he's the only person in the world who actually matters. He never helps me with anything, even though he knows how tired I am. As far as he's concerned, HE is tired so why should he have to do anything? After all, i'm the one who decided not to terminate the pregnancy. Even when I was pregnant, and crawling around on my hands and knees on the ground because standing up was just too agonizing, he still wouldn't do anything around the house and got ****ed off with ME because the house was a mess. Gee, that'll happen when you're in so much pain you can't walk! This isn't even the worst of it. There are so many problems I'm not going to list them all, but to me anyway, this is the worst of all of them.

[Patooties]

Baby Socks - i'm so sorry that he feels this way. It is hard to understand why a Daddy wouldn't love his little girl, especially one as beautiful as yours. Is there somewhere that you could go for some 'time- out' from each other. Maybe then he might realise what he is missing out on.
I'm not the best person to be offering you advice though, as i'm not walking in your shoes - but know that i'm hoping that everything turns out the best for you and your little girl.

[Nadine216]

I am going to be very blunt, so please excuse me before hand ...
It sounds like he only said yes to having a baby with you, after you told him that you are not on the pill and could get pg, because he wanted to get in your panties.

I'm sorry hun, but it sounds like he is deliberatly trying to get you to walk out on him. If he is holding the fact that YOU did not terminate the pg over you the whole time, he is being mean on purpose!! It sounds like he does not have the b@lls to tell you to bugger off and leave him alone. I also get the feeling that if you stay with him, he is going to throw the baby into EVERY argument you are ever going to have. He is going to hold "taking" his freedom away against you, like it already sounds.

:hugs: Sounds like you are torned. I do hope you get an answer to you problem soon.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Thanks so much all of you, for your help. It's been a really difficult . . . i don't know, two years?

He's gone. He punched me in the face (this is the 'other problem' stuff i didn't talk about earlier) and as far as I'm concerned it'd be better for both me and my daughter if he fell off the face of the earth. I hope that's what he does. He'd have some nerve not to, he left willingly without a fight because I could easily go to the police with this giant bump/bruise on my forehead - I look like one of those cartoon characters that gets a giant bump on the top of their heads from being hit with a mallot or something. Anyway, thanks everyone. *HUGS*

[LadyRaven]

My XP turned around one day and said he could rape me at any time and I couldn't stop him and that was it! Gone! Just the threat was enough to say good riddence!!

Take a photo just incase, this will sound bad but if he tries to cause you trouble you have photographic evidence that puts him up poop creek so he may stay away. If he does this to you and doesnt love your daughter imagine what sort of danger she will be in.

Change the locks, if you have some money probs tell the locksmith why and they will usually discount it for you. We just told our locksmith about the people that used to live here and that we had a little baby and he slashed $100 off the price and then gave us a further discount when we needed to replace the backdoor (it was rotten you could push on it and ur hand would go straight through!). Do you have someone who can come and help you out? Friends? Family? Do you get family assistance or centrelink? If the relationship was ended due to domestic violence you can claim money after being together just 6 months and you'll get single parenting payments. Are you renting or bought? Tell the real estate if you are renting because legally if his name is on the lease he can go get a key from them at any time to enter the property

[Spring Angel]

I second what all the ladies have already said but I just wanted to provide you with some more support and encouragement.

Firstly, take the photos, tell some trusted family/friends you have nothing to be ashamed of. And when you feel up to it, go to the police. They are here to protect you and you shouldn't have keep any secrets fro him.

You have made the right decision, this man (if I can call him that) is a coward and should be ashamed of who he is as a person. Stay strong, it is not uncommon for them to come crawling back but you should never, ever let this creature back into your life.

You deserve so much more.

Lv Spring

[Nelle]

Sounds like he's burnt his bridges pretty well this time. Hugs, hope your face is feeling better real soon.
I think the girls have some great suggestions, and are wise to suggest at least a photo, if you don't want to report him.

All the best, stay strong, it'll be so great to look back on this, see the positive changes you made for the sake of you and your little girl, and feel really proud of yourself and how far you've come.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Thanks for your replies.

We took photos today (my parents and I), and although you can see a bump its not very obvious. There's a big bump but the bruising is only slight so it isn't that noticeable in photos ykwim? I put ice on it as soon as it happened and it helped a lot. Someone on this forum suggested to me to go to my GP so that there'd be a record of what happened, which I'm going to do tomorrow.

I'm living with my parents right now, so that's okay but I am a bit worried. He's broken a window before, and I'm scared he might do it tomorrow when he isn't working and he knows my parents won't be home. He'd be pretty daft to do that though.

I'm really proud of how I handled this to be honest, I didn't let him scare me. Even when he pushed me (by my neck and face) into the fridge, the wall and then onto the floor and held me down, I spat in his face. He said that he could kill me where I stood and no one could stop him - i said "Do it then" and smiled. It probably sounds nuts but I was just SO TIRED of him scaring and intimidating me. After he punched me, he was apologetic for all of three seconds until he realized that it made no difference to me, then I was a ***** again. You know what I can't get over? When we were looking at the bump in the mirror, he actually said "Wow, I didn't expect it to puff up like that, you have really sensitive skin. It shouldn't have puffed up like that." HA! Of course! It isn't his fault for PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, it's my skins' fault for overreacting! What a lunatic.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Thanks, Jodie. He actually came over half an hour or so ago. I didn't speak to him, I saw him and grabbed my parents and got them to deal with him. I know that if I talk to him, he'll try to talk me into getting back with him and I just don't want to take that chance. He told my parents that I was being abuse to HIM and that he was defending himself. Whaaaat? Okay, that might work if I had a gun in my hand, but even if it were true, HE'S TWICE MY SIZE. What the hell would he be defending himself against?! Of course my folks didn't buy it. My mum annoyed me though, she said she felt sorry for him. "Mum, he punched me in the face, ok? Why would you feel sorry for him?" "I know, but he's homeless" Guuuuh, it's his own fault! She said she was half tempted to give him money to get back to his parents. Whaaaaaat the heck? I'm sorry but if someone punched my daughter in the face i'd be coming at them with a broken bottle, but that's just me I suppose >.<

[fionas]

Baby Socks

I think you're handling a very difficult situation EXTREMELY well. He's showing the typical abusive partner pattern - a few warning signs beforehand then more when you're pregnant and then getting out of hand when the baby is born.

While you're feeling relatively calm (which I think is amazing under the circumstances), I'd be finding out about Domestic Violence Services in your area - not so much for right now, but just so you have contact numbers to hand should you need any in the future.

Chances are he WILL try to win you back and he must be reasonably persuasive if your mum ended up feeling sorry for him. That, by the way, has floored me - FFS he hit you and it's not like he was the perfect partner before then. He wasn't helping you with the baby, didn't want her around so it's not like this is just a minor glitch.

When I first told my DP about your original post, his exact words were "well, he sounds like a total loser." I think blokes often put things much better and simpler than us women! Another bloke told me (when I was giving him a VERY LONG story one day about an on again, off again relationship that completely tormented me) "look Fiona, if someone loves you they make your life easier not harder, they don't make you cry they make you smile so even if this guy is telling you he loves you, it doesn't seem like he's making you happy."

I have no doubt that there are reasons that your ex has turned out the way he is. I am a firm believer that everyone comes out good but circumstances can make them bad.

But, I also believe that it takes A LONG time for people to sort themselves out from bad childhoods - I usually give people until they're 30.

So even if he does try to re-enter your life saying he's sorry, it won't happen again, he may mean it but it's not realistic. It took years for him to become the person he is, it will take years for him to change.

You don't have the time to wait that long and your DD deserves a positive upbringing.

Lastly, I want to say that many women return to abusive partners and feel ashamed that they've done so because everyone 'told them not to' and they then feel like they can't go and seek support from those they originally sought support from. This does not mean they're stupid. It can be very difficult to leave especially when you love/care about someone. I hope you stick to your guns of getting him out of your life but if not, please do keep posting here and/or get some support from elsewhere.

As I said, I think you're handling this extremely well and fingers crossed, he has gone for good.

[Feathertop]

Socks, violence is not on. You don't want your child to growing up thinking that violence is the norm. Sounds like you are doing all the right things.

Fionas is right, make contact with the domestic violence services in your area. You might just want to talk over your choices and how you are feeling with them, and also find out about your options. It's important to be prepared. And they are a place who will understand those feelings of still loving your partner but hating what they have done, so you are free to talk about things like that.

Please be careful, and be strong. Love your daughter and respect yourself - you both deserve a happy life free from violence, like every woman.

[AnyDream]

BabySocks, gee I'm sorry I didn't read this thread earlier, I just got to the bit where you said "Even when I was pregnant, and crawling around on my hands and knees on the ground because standing up was just too agonizing, he still wouldn't do anything around the house and got ****ed off with ME because the house was a mess." and I said "uh-oh this man is abusive" and then I read your next post(!) and yes, the physical abuse is just a culmination of all of the other (emotional) abuse you've been living with. Hun, I really hope he is gone for good, and most of all I hope you are able to get some support and counselling for the last couple of years because I'm fairly sure that being in a relationship with this man will have gradually chipped pieces off you. Good luck to you and your DD and I hope you have a safe and strong and happy life together. I don't know whether you'll be able to negotiate a reasonable relationship for your daughter with her dad, but I do know she is much better off having a strong and empowered single mother than one who lives in fear and intimidation.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Thankyou so much ladies. I actually pressed charges today and have an appointment to file a DV restraining order tomorrow. The fact that i'm sitting here crying because I, for some stupid reason, REALLY want to see him right now is immaterial, he's a pig.

[AnyDream]

BabySocks, wow I'm really impressed with the steps you are taking right now. It won't be easy, hun, you have invested a lot of love and a lot of your life in this man, sadly he used it all up and left you needy for whatever positive attention he'd show you. You deserve much better than that, you are a strong and courageous woman who deserves a partner who gives you what you need - love and respect! Good luck with the appointment tomorrow.

[bellelass]

Pressing charges is hard work, at least in my experience. Hang on tightly to the belief that you're doing 100% the right thing. He broke the law, and he should not be allowed to get away with treating you that way. It is illegal and it is immoral. Follow up with the police and prosecutors, be organized, and don't let anyone talk you out of it.

ETA: Its such a hard, but ultimately best decision you've made. I've never been in your position exactly, but I just wanted to offer you a bit of advice. For you and for your beautiful daughter, do everything and anything you can to work through this. It sounds like you have wonderful parents to fall back on, and that you're pretty strong. I hate hearing that one, but I'll say it to you anyway- you're so strong for doing what's best rather than what's easy. It won't happen today, and it won't happen tomorrow, but try to forgive him (and yourself). Maybe that sounds a little from out of left field, but you don't want bitterness to come into your life.