Clare, I don't think the odd night out is selfish when your child is left with a loved, and loving, adult. Heck, I've left my mum to put DS to sleep a couple of times so DH and I could go out!

I do think it's selfish when it's every week and it's a different teenager pretty much every week - and a 3-month rota means to a baby, even to a pre-schooler, it's a new teenager every week.

I agree that if you have a baby you have to make certain sacrifices. But not 100% sacrifices. Should I sacrifice all my sleep when I can kick DH out of bed once or twice on a bad night? Happy mummy, happy baby. Unhappy Daddy but that's not the point LOL. Leaving DS with his Dad is never a bad thing, whether it's so I can shower or do the groceries or just have a night out with the girls. I agree that if you're not willing to consider the child as a human and one who not only deserves respect but your time and love - unconditionally - then you shouldn't have children.

Having said that, there are times when a mother should come first. Very few occasions. Needing the loo is always one. Finances... I'm not happy about leaving DS at nursery but DS is and I'm happy that my home isn't being reposessed. Sometimes we have to think more of a bigger picture. I had a "martyr mummy" and it isn't fun. I am not going to give up EVERYTHING for the sake of DS. He is going to have chores and I am not going to spend hours doing his homework so he gets a good grade. (Helping, yes, but doing it all no.) I am going to say "actually, I need a new coat more than you need that computer game bought for you." Especially when, like this Autumn, I had no winter coat at all as the one that is 14 years old has too many holes in. (Thankfully I got my sister's cast offs from last winter, but that's not the point.) Because the self-sacrifice all the time didn't make me feel differently towards my mum but I did resent the way she hated her selfish family... well you shouldn't be facilitating it! You want me to clean my room, vacuum it? Don't you do it! Same with my ironing! I will happily not iron my pants, so don't whinge when you choose to do it!

Anyway. Really good points. And yes, the mantra is used wrongly to put mummy wants in front of baby needs (eg control crying). If a woman "wants her body back" then why have a baby? I'm not BFing and still don't have my body back in that it's now DS's climbing frame. Things change. But realising that you chose to have a baby, the baby didn't choose you: that's the first step in putting the balance in the right direction IMO.