Back to square one...cycle cancelled

[Possums]

Hi ladies, like Wishes has just posted in her thread, sadly my cycle has also just been cancelled, due to no response to synarel..my hormones are just following a normal cycle, and despite an extra week on synarel (which worked for me last time) still no change. My nurse says it appears I havent yet ovulated, so DH and I will try naturally (if I ovulate, she said I might not, as the synarel had surpressed my LH levels), but we just feel so let down and disappointed...we thought after more than 5 weeks since I started the pill, that we were close to egg collection etc.. Plus I am nervous that if we do another cycle the same thing will happen (and my clinic seems to want to try the same thing again, as it worked the first time).

I am posting separately here, as I am now sliding back down into the hole I have been in since the last miscarriage. I feel like I am drowning in this limbo and have no direction, I seem to just survive each day, each week. I go to work, and I exercise etc, but there is no real spark or happiness. I am reading self help books and trying hard to be positive and find joy in simple things and to reflect etc, but it certainly isn't easy. Some days I just want to hide from the world. I know that sounds dramatic I guess sometimes I just dont want to have to make any effort to be 'up' for people at work etc. I think I picked up when we started this cycle, as I had hope again, and I felt like I was at least doing something proactive towards achieving our goal... now that it has been cancelled, I feel so frustrated and disappointed and right back at square one. I am so grateful I have this site and you ladies to talk to and share this with, because I find people IRL have no real clue what it means ...

Also, next week is when the baby from my second pregnancy would have been due. I can't help but wonder what that baby would have been like. I also have a sense of guilt that the babies have been lost all because of problems with my body (antiphospholipid syndrome and the ectopic/dodgy tubes). I know it was out of my control, but it stll gets to me.

Thanks for the place to vent and be honest about how I feel in this 'me' thread. I know many here are in /or have been in the same boat.

[CeCe]

So sorry Possums

I only came near to having a cylce cancelled and I struggled with that. I'm sorry you are hurting.

If you don't feel confident doing the same type of cycle again perhaps push the issue and see what else they can do. It is your right as it's your body and emotions.

[Possums]

Thanks Cece..I think I will discuss it more with the clinic. And I know I will pick back up, it's just a rough patch

[wishes]

Possums, you know I am right there with you. You are definitely not alone, and I think this website is really great for that. To be able to share your low times (and your high times) with people going through the same thing. Maybe you and I will be on the same cycle when we start again. I really hope all of us gets a healthy baby of our own soon.

Wishes xoxo

[Possums]

Thanks Wishes...I too hope you and I can celebrate a successful cycle together soon

[dusty]

Sweetie, that is so disappointing for you. I have been there a few times and know how difficult, confusing, shocking and frustrating it can be.
Try not to be angry at your body. Be kind to yourself as much as you can.

I am now sliding back down into the hole I have been in since the last miscarriage. I feel like I am drowning in this limbo and have no direction, I seem to just survive each day, each week. I go to work, and I exercise etc, but there is no real spark or happiness. I am reading self help books and trying hard to be positive and find joy in simple things and to reflect etc, but it certainly isn't easy. Some days I just want to hide from the world. I know that sounds dramatic I guess sometimes I just dont want to have to make any effort to be 'up' for people at work etc. I think I picked up when we started this cycle, as I had hope again, and I felt like I was at least doing something proactive towards achieving our goal... now that it has been cancelled, I feel so frustrated and disappointed and right back at square one.

I guess there are (sadly) many of us who can so totally relate to this. Infertility is called the 'rollercoaster' ride for a reason, there are the highs and hopes and the lows and disappointment. For me, trying to even out the ride over time to be smoother, more consistent and less bumpy is the goal for my happiness. I can really only speak from my experience, but I know it is hard work, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and keep doing, but IME it does get a little easier and while I get knocked down sometimes, I can get back up again and keep focused on my happiness, not the desired outcome, but learning from all the hardship.

This may sound all self helpy, but I can really only offer you what has worked best for me. I hope you can find your own less bumpy path over time. I think the fact that you are so aware of both what is going on and your response to this disappointment shows personal growth and that you have the strength to cope even if you feel like crap right now. Just writing out your feelings above shows you are aware of what is going on. You need hands to hold, ears to listen to you, cyber shoulders to cry on, and hun you have that here.

xx

[Cadence]

Hi Possums,
I am so, so, sorry. I know that there is nothing I can say to help ease your pain so I am just sending you a huge .
I hope and pray that you have a successful cycle really soon.
Take care of yourself.

[Possums]

Dusty- thank so much for your thoughtful, caring and wise words.

It continues to surprise me how much support I can find here on an internet site. It has helped me through so far, and I think it's also helping me grow as a person and understand many different situations, beyond my own. I am finding the Stephanie Dowrick book to be really good, but I know it takes time and self discipline to implement changes in the way I think/view things. I tend to be an obsessive person and have seen a psych for issues related to that before, so I know that with dedication I can master my thought processes, and hopefully find a less bumpy road through this. Given your long and difficult journey, I think you do amazingly well and admire your strength.

Cadence- thanks for your support and kind thoughts. I appreciate it

also, as for my old due date approaching next week, I read in a book on miscarriage last night, that sometimes it helps to still do something to mark that day and celebrate the soul that was with me, however briefly...so I think I will do that.

[Liviam]

I'm so sorry that your cycle was cancanlled. I can't imagine the disappointment you and your DH must be feeling at the moment.

[JBM]

just sending you a BIG hug, next time. my sis says to me when i look back on this time, i'll understand more? who knows if she's right but it makes me feel a bit better. vent away. and good luck for next cycle. xo

[Sara69]

Possums,

Really sorry to hear that It is so very dissappointing having a cycle cancelled. Can you perhaps ask your clinic if they could try an antagonist cycle with you? The advantage it that it is a very short cycle as you don;t have to take the pill before hand, their are a few threads about these cycles on BB.

With the due date I've heards that releasing some balloons or another sign of hope can help to overcome sadness on those days. With my own lost baby I didn't do anything on the due date but a few months later went for a weekend in a retreat and meditated at a river with some flowers which the current carried away.

Be kind to yourself,

Sara

[esperan]

big big hug!
I'm so sorry for your cycle being cancelled. I had my first cycle cancelled and I know how devastating it is...

I know it's hard, but try to be positive. Things will always happen to us when we have patience and positive attitude!.
I wish all the best for you next time. Is your FS considering an antagonist cycle?

[Possums]

thanks so much everyone for the support- it really does help

I will have to speak to my nurse this week and ask whether they'd look at an antagonist cycle

[turner]

Dear Possums, You really are having a bad run of it. I'm so sorry to hear that this cycle hasn't been successful. I understand that life is just going through the motions so you can keep your head above water. Pat yourself on the back for that and if you have to take a mental health day to lie under the doona and sleep - this it the perfect weather for it.

've seen your posts on this website and you do seem so caring to others and very generous with your support. So you have our support now. Be very kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve. But don't let the horrible days win. You are too special to be beaten by this journey. Talk to your FS and ask the hard questions - have them written down before hand and if you don't understand anything, make sure you ask. Are they doing enough for you? Are they monitoring you enough? Are the dosages correct - can they be modified?

DH and I weren't given the best advice and I felt that, I too, was drowning in the big black hole with no way out. We asked the hard questions and our FS just didn't seem to provide the information we needed. We also felt that we were in her too hard basket and bringing the stats down. We actually felt she was trying to move us on. Still feel v. angry toward her. We found a new clinic and I have gone to a new acupuncturist and we are really glad we made the change. But this is just my experience.

Best wishes to you. And all the very best to you and your DH.

[Possums]

turner- thanks. I am only now realising that DH and I havent been asking enough questions, and have been just doing what we are told. I am now planning to ask more.
Your support helps and thanks for the kind words

[farmgirl77]

Possums
I think it is only natural for you to be feeling as you do at the moment as you are facing two very difficult time - cancelling a cycle and the impending due date of your angle baby. I wish I had the answers for you, but I can only support what has been already suggested - talk to your FS about other options for cycles.

As for this being your fault because of the APLS etc - it is not! In fact by finding out about the condition you are giving yourself the best change of a baby - so it is a positive, not negative - although I know how hard it is to see this.

Big hugs and am always here for you.
FG

[Possums]

Thanks FG...i have been thinking of you and hope things are going smoothly?
And I know it's positive we've found out, I guess sometimes I just have the guilt that all our TTC troubles seems to come from me...DH is great about it and tells me not to be silly

[Possums]

Thanks to everyone's information and suggestions I have now asked my IVF nurse, who will in turn ask the FS, whether we should consider an antagonist cycle, and/or whether we should try lucrin instead of synarel otherwise...it is good to have extra knowledge. I have found with so many things, if you don't ask questions, or push for tests, noone bothers to tell you, or suggest them!