how to say they are not invited

[Beach Mama]

I have to agree with PP's - and yep I would assume that if it was a kids party, then my kids would be invited as well as my DH. I would find it odd to be invited by myself, regardless of how well we know others there etc. You didn't put them on the invite but now that they are saying they are coming, you are saying you don't want them to come, so essentially you are telling them not to come!

[beansbeans!]

Im sorry but Im with the others. The only time when I wouldnt assume that DH and the girls arent invited to an event is when it was said initially, by the invitee. just because she was the only one from her family to come and see you at hospital does not mean that she would 'get' that only she is invited. there have been plenty of times when I have gone and visited someone at hospital after they have had a baby without Dh and the girls. Dh doesnt like hospitals, so he gets to look after the girls whilst I head down there and thats regardless of whether they are DH's friends, my firends or our friends. I consider that to be part of my job as the head female of the house.

I really think you need to have a chat to this woman about the situation, and be prepared for some heat from the conversation too, and the possibility of losing a friend. As far as 'free feed and drink' and no gift, well you stated gifts arent required. And I also assume that when I attend a party there is no need for me to bring any food or drink to the party unless stated on the invitation.

And its not about assuming anything, but if it isnt stated by the invitee than Im not one to give the invitation the 3rd degree.. If the invitee has further terms and conditions to the invitation than it is their responsibility to make sure that they are clear and understood by all invited.

[*EJ*]

I would probably confirm with the host before i brought my children and/or DH along to a party of a friend like you describe (being a uni friend that does not necessarily know my family very well). But if i got a flat out 'NO they are not invited' i would be quite offended. In all honesty my DH would probably prefer to stay home anyway and in this case we may negotiate who looks after which child/ren to give eachother some kind of break and personally i think that is our right as parents. If you want my presence, you know i'm a mother, i may have to bring a child along.

I completely understand where you are coming from and in this instance i guess you need to figure out how important the friendship is too you because chances are it could offend your friend.

I was invited somewhere where the request had been no children. This was fine with me, i had a 10month old who i was still breatfeeding at the time but it was clearly stated so he was never coming. The day before the occasion i received a text message as a reminder (not worded all that tactfully) that children were not invited, it did not go down well with me as i was already well aware of the request but to arrive and to have other babies my sons age present i was extremely offended (especially since my son was a nephew). It may not relate all that well to your expample but i was deeply offended by the situation and what your saying just brings back memories of that.

Good luck though and i hope your DD has a wonderful birthday. We're planning one right now also

[hj1981]

I have to agree with PP's - and yep I would assume that if it was a kids party, then my kids would be invited as well as my DH. I would find it odd to be invited by myself, regardless of how well we know others there etc. You didn't put them on the invite but now that they are saying they are coming, you are saying you don't want them to come, so essentially you are telling them not to come!

No i said i didn't plan for them to come, hence the no name on the invite, but now that they are coming i do not mind, hence why i said maybe i should change the title of this thread instead!
but wow i hope they don't play up, drawing on my walls with pencils will not go down nicely with DH! he won't have it!

[hj1981]

I would probably confirm with the host before i brought my children and/or DH along to a party of a friend like you describe (being a uni friend that does not necessarily know my family very well). But if i got a flat out 'NO they are not invited' i would be quite offended. In all honesty my DH would probably prefer to stay home anyway and in this case we may negotiate who looks after which child/ren to give eachother some kind of break and personally i think that is our right as parents. If you want my presence, you know i'm a mother, i may have to bring a child along.

I completely understand where you are coming from and in this instance i guess you need to figure out how important the friendship is too you because chances are it could offend your friend.

I was invited somewhere where the request had been no children. This was fine with me, i had a 10month old who i was still breatfeeding at the time but it was clearly stated so he was never coming. The day before the occasion i received a text message as a reminder (not worded all that tactfully) that children were not invited, it did not go down well with me as i was already well aware of the request but to arrive and to have other babies my sons age present i was extremely offended (especially since my son was a nephew). It may not relate all that well to your expample but i was deeply offended by the situation and what your saying just brings back memories of that.

Good luck though and i hope your DD has a wonderful birthday. We're planning one right now also

Thank you EJ! FINALLY someone see's where i am coming from!



My whole issue is the ASSUMING and NOT CLARIFYING

I have NO INTENTIONS WHAT SO EVER of turning around and saying NO THEY CAN NOT COME! like you all said it's not worth the arguments or the loss of friendship!

[SunnyRain]

So you meant to ask how to word an invitation in the future to invite only the friend without the family?

I think someone already said it would be a better verbal invitation to say "it's only a small party, but you were so supportive during my pregnancy and I'd love you to be there with the other women in our group. I'll send you an invitation with the details."

That's how you should do it next time.

Sent from my Desire HD using Tapatalk

[hj1981]

and wow on all those that would end a friendship over something like that!

If my children were not invited to something, no worries i would not have a problem with it, it is everyones perogative on who they invite and don't invite! i wouldn't take offence in any way!

at the end of the day it is my DD's birthday and i want her to have a good day and a good day she will have

[hj1981]

Thank you Kuraiza, i did try and do that also! but in future i now know better thank you

[Maruschke]

and wow on all those that would end a friendship over something like that!

If my children were not invited to something, no worries i would not have a problem with it, it is everyones perogative on who they invite and don't invite! i wouldn't take offence in any way!

at the end of the day it is my DD's birthday and i want her to have a good day and a good day she will have

That isn't what would end the friendship. What would end the friendship is you explaining that you didn't want my husband there because you don't like him, or my children because they are wild.

Sorry but I think the wording of the thread made it seem like you were looking for how to tell this woman not to bring her kids and husband, and that's why you got the reaction you did.

[nothing2lose]

Sorry, another one here who thinks it totally natural to assume that me, my partner and child are a package deal. Invite me, you invite us all. In fact, I have never heard of it being assumed otherwise. I am kind of surprised you think differently.

[[M]umma[M]ia]

I havent read all the replies but an answer to the original question...

I wouldnt just assume my kids and DF were invited. Especially knowing the circumstance (your children have never met and they are somewhat older than the birthday girl). If I am invited somewhere and their names arnt on it, I would ask what they would like. After all, its their party, not mine.

[Traveller]

I think it would be different if it was an adult's party, or an evening affair. Then I would clarify that the kids were invited. FWIW I have been in a similar situation, where someone brought her fiance to a party that he was not named on the invitation but I had to face the fact that people so often come to parties as a family or couple group, and the only was around that is to stipulate "partners not invited" on the invitation. Which, for anything other than a girls night out, would result in my reconsidering the friendship.

[Beatrix]

I think it would be different if it was an adult's party, or an evening affair. Then I would clarify that the kids were invited. FWIW I have been in a similar situation, where someone brought her fiance to a party that he was not named on the invitation but I had to face the fact that people so often come to parties as a family or couple group, and the only was around that is to stipulate "partners not invited" on the invitation. Which, for anything other than a girls night out, would result in my reconsidering the friendship.

I agree and also dif if its a school childs birthday party, i would only take the invited child

1st birthday party's i would def think my children had been invited.. and would most certainly be offended if they wern't.. I wouldn't really bother with the friend after such a incident..

[Astrid]

From personal experience, not including children, partners, siblings etc can always cause issues between friends. It may not kill the friendship, but if things are already rocky it certainly can add to the death of one.

Honestly, once the party is in full swing, half the time you don't notice who is there and who is not.

[*Danni*]

I think that everyone does things differently and I would generally confirm that my family were invited if only my name was on the invite, but I must say as it is a 1st birthday i think it is safe to assume that my family would be invited too, so I definitely understand where others are coming from on this thread.

However, it really isn't the point whether they are being rude, you are being rude etc etc I think all that matters now is finding the best way of telling your friend that it is her only on the invite, purposely! It is your baby's party so it is absolutely your choice and I don't think you should worry about what everyone thinks etc. It isn't exactly unreasonable given the circumstances you have outlined IMO.

now, the question is... Since she has said that her family is coming, have you made contact since? Because the best way to nip this situation is reply to that response directly and say something like oh I'm sorry this invite is specifically for you as you have been there for me throughout my journey and it is more of a small affair, as much as you would like to have everyone's families x y & z are also coming solo and it will be fun.

I personally wouldn't risk her children coming and ruining the event if that's really what you feel may happen. A first birthday is SO special and only happens once!! But if for whatever reason u decided on having them all.. I would definitely treat it as a "my house my rules" situation. Just because they are wild in general does not mean you have to accept that in your house!!


Sent from my iPhone more than likely while I should be doing something else!

[peanutter]

Personally, I would not assume my husband or child/ren were invited to the party of a friend's child if my husband and kids had not met then.

I would ask if they were invited, and if I was told something like kuraiza wrote, I would think that's fair enough.

If I was told my husband is a jerk and my kids were undisciplined brats, that wouldn't go down quite so well

I understand the POVs that a kids party would equate kids being invited - but I don't think I'd think that, if my kids hadn't met theirs, ITMS.

It's your party, it's for you and your loved ones - your DD isn't going to remember who was and wasn't there, and whether the walls were drawn on or whether she got good prezzies.

I personally would have thought the invitation was clear ... it wasn't "Betty and family" it was "Betty" ... and Betty's family hasn't met your DD.

Would be different if it was one of the kids from playgroup or church or similar - then I'd absolutely be expecting my kid to be the primary invitatee!!

But yeah, I wouldn't be upset or offended, it wouldn't hurt our friendship, I think I'd understand.

JMO

[Floweryfields]

I would feel really odd going to a child's party without my children (if I had children), or my husband (if I had a husband) to be honest and would find such an invite quite strange.

And, even if I were only friends with someone and an invite had only my name on it, I would assume that my husband and children were invited too as that's just what normally happens.

To answer the opening question, I don't actually know how you would word it to say they aren't invited and not sound rude.

Eta - If you verbally told these ladies it was only for them and not their children/partners (as someone else suggested), what would be the reaction when they saw other people there with children and hubbies? Would make me wonder why you didn't want mine there iykwim and could make your friendships messy.

[hj1981]

i have no intentions of saying they can't come, they are coming and that is fine! and i have no intentions of saying what i really think of her husband and her children's lack of disclipine, that is not my place! however it is my home and my DD's birthday! not theirs!