Am I asking too much of him?

[lil_chookie]

DH & I have been on this TTC rollercoaster for well over 5 years now. At times it really has been hell . The tests, operations, disappointment, empty feelings....I could go on and on. But through it all I feel like I soilder on with a brave face. I happily as watch the women in my life have their first child, 2nd child, 3rd child....and on & on. I reach a point where I feel I don't need to be pregnant to have a child that is my own so I make the decision I cannot go on anymore with TTC, I want to do local adoption. DH supports me, becomes very excited about adoption. We progress in the process......then I change my mind. I cannot be the best mother I can to an adopted child until I have faced my fears of IVF not working and try. DH says okay, we go to the appointment & have all the tests. Before finding out the results we go to Europe for the most amazing 6 weeks of my life, I am me again, not Sarah the women with fertility issues. We return and have our IVF appointment. We decide to ease ourselves into IVF and are trying IUI for 6 months. IVF doctor says the chances of this working are not great, but in IVF terms we are young & if this is what we want to do she is supportive.

This brings me to where I am now........I don't like the thought of giving myself injections to make my body do something it wasn't suppoed to do. I am affraid that this process will not work and that disappointed ache will return and consume me all the time. DH tells me I am overreacting, I shouldn't feel like this, I should just get over how I feel & get on with it. Is it too much of me to ask him to support my errational, emotional feelings and give me compassion? or is he right I am just being ridiculous feeling this way?

[lil_chookie]

I feel a little sad that not one single person has been able to offer me one little piece of support at all today.

Perhaps being a member of forums is not good for me anymore.

[Matryoshka]

Lil-chookie i am so sorry that no one has been able to offer you any advice I remember your adoption journey and then the decision to start ivf.... i cannot personally relate to your set of circumstances but i can relate to the emotionally charged journey you are on and for that i sympathise. Please re-consider leaving the site, there are so many people here who i am sure have been through similar thing but have not yet read your post. Many times my threads have been missed and i just assume perhaps no one could relate, not that it wasn't important enough to be acknowledged. I wish i could write more but having a BFN today am not in the best spirits myself!

[Jodie259]

Sarah...

I'm sorry that you haven't had much response to your original post. The forum is always quiet on a Saturday - but that's not really an excuse.

I've not followed your journey - so I'm only going by your post above. And I don't know what to say. I am surprised that you haven't had some more support and understanding for your situation. It must be heartbreaking, and frustrating, and emotionally exhausting to go through it all.

all I can offer you is a cyber-hug. :hugs:

I wish I could give you some words of wisdom.

And I hope that your future provides you with a child - in whatever manner it comes.

Hang in there Sarah.

[Bathsheba]

Hi Sarah *hugs* I agree with OurLux and Jodie, I've written threads too that have been missed for a day or two... especially on the weekend when it is quiet in here. Maybe just give it a little longer before leaving.

Regarding your dilemna: I was reluctant to post because as you can see I have 3 children and I was worried that you might not feel that I could empathsise. However a thought did strike me: sometimes you have to take a leap of faith... many of your fears will still have to be faced even if you fall pregnant. There will ALWAYS be uncertainties once you introduce a child into your life. IVF is just the start. Regarding your DH it seems to me that he is being fairly supportive and probably feels just as confused and frustrated as you do except being a guy (sorry to generalise) he might not have the words to express this. he certainly doesn't have the hormones to contend with

So please continue to seek support in here darl. Saturdays/Sundays are nortoriously quiet. And don't be frightened to take a leap of faith... nothing ventured nothing gained.

[{sarah}]

Awww Sarah :hugs: I've been at work today so haven't had the chance to pop online until now.

I can understand your reasoning behind being apprehensive about IVF. It has got to be one of the most terrifying things I have done in my life. But at the same time one of th most exciting because I can see that this is going to be our best chance of having another baby.

I don't like the thought of giving myself injections to make my body do something it wasn't suppoed to do.

The injections just amplify the processes that occur naturally in your body. Every month you have x amount of follicles that develop x amount of eggs (different quantities each month even), there is only enough hormones in your body naturally to mature 1 egg. What the injections do is give your body the hormones to make all of the available eggs mature so they can be "harvested" (hate that word!). So it is a natural process, just being bumped up a bit

I think the problem with DH is that men are fixers, they want to try & fix what's wrong. So in him telling you to "get over it" is just his way of trying to fix things. I think for men in general (and I'm trying not to be sexist here) it's hard for them to just say, I can understand, it's ok for you to feel like that IYKWIM. Just let him know that you don't want him to fix things, you just need him to give you a hug & tell you that he'll be there when you need him. I told Aaron that a few months ago when he was trying to fix everything & now when he sees I'm down I get an ear & a cuddle which is all I need.


ETA: I might just move this over to the assisted conception area, there are lots of girls there that would have gone through the same things.

[Bathsheba]

"I don't like the thought of giving myself injections to make my body do something it wasn't suppoed to do".

Sarah just made me realise that many women require the same "amplification" process by way of Oxytocin drips during labour to help their bodies birth their babies. I know i did. it's nothing to be ashamed of. Sorry if I'm upsetting you with this comparison darl... I really just wanted to help. Why don't you like the thought of it? Just curious, want to help

[dusty]

Hi Sarah

Hugs to you honey :hugs: it sounds like a really tough day and time in your life.

The gals above have said some really thoughtful things which I would like to ditto!

I completely understand the whole idea of IVF is scary and sometimes feels so much like a last chance and kinda unnatural. But for me it also feels when I am on IVF that I have some control over our TTC and am DOING something about it. Sure it is emotional but it is also very empowering. My DH and I regularly revisit whether we want to be doing this or stop and go the adoption route which we think is a fantastic and valuable one but not for us just now. Sarah H is right about men, they do just sometimes want to fix something to stop our pain with action, while we women want to talk about how it makes us feel without necessarily being judgmental on eithers perspective. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus has some great insights about this, which DH and I often refer to when we realise are not on the same page and misreading each others intentions.

Best of luck with your decision making and I would love you to stick around BB and ask for help and give advise to others when you feel you can and want to.

xx
dusty

[visitor10]

Lil-Chookie,

This whole process is a scarey one and even though I can not relate to your exact circumstances I totally understand why you are apprehensive about doing anything. I am just as afraid of being disappointed once again and sometimes it is tough to always put on a brave face to everyone when inside all you want to do is shrivel up and hide.

PS Your feelings are perfectly normal and NOONE (especially DH) should tell you to just get over it....no matter how long it has been. It just gets harder as more time passes! I think it is very difficult for them to understand as they just don't have the same feelings that us women do. He still loves you but perhaps is also frustrated that this journey has not come to an end for both of you as he probably sees you suffering and just doesn't know what to do anymore either.

Keep your chin up hun and please don't give up on us girls in BB. We really do care for you!

[nic]

hey Sarah, I didn't see your post until just now.
I don't think it is too much for you to ask/expect your husband to support your irrational and emotional feelings.

Sarah-h is right, sometimes I think our men believe that we want or need them to fix our problems/worries, when we tell them how we are feeling or that we're upset... I had to tell my DH that I don't want him to fix anything, I just need him to 'bounce' my emotions etc off. He doesn't have to have answers, he just has to listen and tell me it WILL be better.

I am affraid that this process will not work and that disappointed ache will return and consume me all the time.

I think you've answered this best yourself

I cannot be the best mother I can to an adopted child until I have faced my fears of IVF not working and try.

The girls are right, your body is supposed to do this, and the drugs are just giving it a bit of a kick along.

Hope you decide to stay here with us all

Nic

[Lissie]

Sarah,
Sorry you are having a hard time with all of this. Emotionally and mentally its just so hard i know and so do alot of other girls in here. All i can say is that for ME i know i have to exhaust every possible option there is in IVF - i have gone thru my 6th round with no positive outcome but have booked in again for november. I am determined to keep it up, for ME i know i will regret stopping if i don't try everything and the emotional disappointment is just unfortunately part of it, i never want to look back and say "could have would have should have" so i am willing to go thru all the bad emotional stuff cause thats all i can do. As far as yor DH goes, he probably just wants you to keep going as he knows a baby means so much to both of you - be kind to yourself and DH its a tough tough road - but hey miracles happen every day. As far as IVF drugs and injecting, i got my DH to do the injections for me, so he felt that he was participating in the journey with me and im just a big scardy cat with needles - you will be fine, and don't look at the drugs as making your body doing something its no supposed to, actually the drugs make your body work better thats why we need it - try to look at all the positives and try to cultivate a feeling of excitment about IVF its a journey that could give you what you want in the end. Goodluck sweetie we are all here if you need us.

[visitor10]

Lil-Chookie.....are you there?

How are you going hun? I hope you are okay...Let us know how you are going if you feel up to it.

[nic]

Hey Lil chookie, hope you are okay...
Thinking of you..

Nic

[lil_chookie]

Thanks lovely ladies......just had a really really bad day on Saturday. It is hard to find someone irl to talk to (who can understand) so I guess I look to the cyber world for a little support sometimes. I have worked through alot of my feelings since the weekend & had a big talk with DH, so I am a little better now. Being back on this TTC rollercoaster makes me a little crazy at times!!!

I just want to have a baby, I want to have that little person in my life to love, care for and watch grow. I am feeling really angry at the moment that I don't have this and instead of feeling angry at myself for feeling like this, I am just letting myself feel it. Keeping it together is something I spend a lot of time doing maybe I need to stop doing that and let people around me know just how hard life has become for me. I also think I am suffering from a bit of a holiday 'hang over'. I really felt more like me than I have felt in years while I was away, I just want that back.

Thanks again for taking the time to read the words of an irrantional, emotion charged girl!!

[nic]

Glad to hear you are feeling a little better now lil_chookie!

Nic

[{sarah}]

Just one of those yucky days huh?! Well I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now.

Do you think there is anything that you can do whilst at home to make you feel more you? Some hobby you can take up or something?

[visitor10]

Lil-Chookie...

I'm really pleased to hear that you sorted a few things out with your DH and very very pleased to hear that you haven't given up on us BB girls.

Just as a suggestion...have you thought about perhaps seeking some professional help just to assist you with getting through this time? I went through a severe bout of depression a few years ago (due to various factors) and despite how much I spoke to DH & my friends about it I just couldn't seem to be able to deal with it. I went to a psychologist and found him excellent. It was only for a few times but he gave me some really good things to work on and think about so that when I became depressed I could manage it myself effectively.

I know it's not the best possible situation but it may just help....

Thinking of u sweetie and I hope things get much much better for u very very soon.

[lil_chookie]

Rara - I have suffered from depression in the past, I am fairly good at managing it and I am also a trained councellor myself......so usually fairly on top of noticing the triggers. I have really worked through alot with myself since the weekend, so I am hopeful there are no more meltdowns on the horizon!!

For me I have learnt since the weekend, it is okay....not to be okay. I have spent so many years trying to show the world I am okay, when really I am not. It sucks big time I don't have a baby. It's hard sometimes watching my friends kids around me grow (don't get me wrong I love my little darlings to pieces), I just want it to be my turn.

Thanks for the hobby suggestion Sarah, really I have a very full & wonderful life. I read, I sew, I love my music, I cook, I am surrounded by beautiful people, I live in a lovely area at the foothills of the mountains, my marriage is a great one, I love my job.......everything else in my life is perfect. I guess maybe sometimes this makes the ache for a baby that much worse, I don't think there is a single other thing in the world that can make it go away.